Confessions

The soft glow of early dawn was just beginning to light the room when Will awakened. He was a little surprised that he'd managed to sleep the night through; usually he would have only slept an hour or two before the insomnia kicked in. Magnus was still curled up beside him and he decided to wait until she woke up before getting up himself. The night before had shaken him badly because he had never realized just how much she blamed herself when things went wrong—even when nothing could have changed the outcome. But I should have known. I've worked with her day and night for long enough now…

"Good morning, sleepyhead." Magnus smiled a little when Will started. She had awakened before daylight when the pain medication had worn off; but as long as she kept still it was bearable and she could enjoy the comfort of his presence a little longer.

"I didn't mean to wake you up," Will said softly, glad to see the tiny smile touch her lips. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore," she admitted reluctantly. "And a bit drained. Yesterday was rather…difficult, wasn't it."

"That's kind of an understatement," Will answered. "You should probably take today off and get some rest."

"I suppose you're right—but only if you do the same." Painfully she moved closer until she was laying half on his chest, but had to move off him again as pain flared through her side. "Dammit!"

"Take it easy," Will said as he helped her lie flat. "That jerk really did a number on you. I'd have shot him myself if Kate hadn't gotten there first."

"I'd have done it myself if I hadn't dropped my gun," Magnus confessed. "And I am very glad that none of you were hurt."

"I'm just thankful you're still with us," Will told her as he sat up. After a moment he asked, "How bad is it?"

"Bad enough," Magnus answered. "I woke up a little before you did…the medication had worn off."

"You should have waked me up." Will brushed a few strands of hair back from her face. "I would have gotten you another shot."

Magnus couldn't stop the slight flush that spread over her cheeks. "I…I wanted you to stay close a little longer, Will. It's been a long time since…"

"It's ok, I understand. I really do," he said reassuringly. "I just hate to see you in pain, that's all. Let me go now and get another dose of painkiller for you. Then you won't be able to get rid of me for the rest of the day. How does that sound?"

"I'd rather you stayed here…"Magnus knew it was irrational, but she was afraid that if he left now she would wake up on the couch in her office and find that last night had been nothing more than a dream concocted by fate to torment her.

"I can be back before you even notice I'm gone." Will had seen the look in her eyes and was calculating just how quickly he could get to the infirmary and back. He didn't know why she was so afraid to let him leave, but he knew that he had to get her out of pain. "I promise I won't be long."

On impulse, Magnus pulled him down to hug him tightly. "Please hurry."

True to his word, Will returned some ten minutes later with the shot. It had taken a few minutes longer than he'd hoped because the Big Guy had been tending to some work in the infirmary. Will had briefly explained about Magnus' injuries, and Biggie had promised to check up on her later as well. When he entered his room, he was relieved to see Magnus was resting quietly but he could see that she was in considerable discomfort now. "It's pretty bad, huh?"

"Yes." Magnus knew there was no point in lying about it. She had a fairly high pain threshold, but even she had limits. "It actually wasn't so bad at first—that is until I moved."

"That's usually how it works," Will agreed as he administered the shot. "At least this will take care of the worst of it."

"Thank you," Magnus sighed. "For everything you've done."

"I didn't do much more than listen," Will shrugged. "I just wish I'd realized sooner...how come you never said anything? You knew I would be there."

"You were there—more than you know. It just felt wrong to ask even more of you." Magnus slipped her hand into his before continuing. "Will if you only knew how much you have done for all of us here…it sounds a bit cliché but I don't know how we got on without you all this time."

"Maybe you don't give yourself enough credit." Will spoke seriously with no trace of humor. "You're the one we all look to for strength. It's why you keep things bottled up until they tear you up inside and hide from all of us how much you're hurting. But we knew anyway."

"Will, I never meant to hurt you, please believe that." Magnus tried to sit up, but he gently held her back and lay beside her once more, carefully holding her to his side. "I…I can't really explain why…"

"Why were you so afraid?" Will interrupted quietly. When she froze and didn't answer right away, he knew he'd finally gotten to the root of the problem. But what is she so afraid of? he wondered. "You know that you can tell me anything and it won't go any further, right?"

"I know that, Will, but this time there's no simple answer to it." Magnus pressed as tightly into him as she could without aggravating her already aching ribs. "God, I wish there were."

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong before you decide that it can't be fixed?" Will asked, holding her close. "No matter how tough it is, I'll stick by you and help in any way I can—and for as long as it takes."

"That's just it, Will! We don't have the time! It's…" Magnus buried her face in his shoulder, clinging to him for dear life. How could she tell him that he didn't have 'as long as it takes', that the problem was that he would grow old and die—leaving her more alone than she'd ever been before? In the past she had at least had The Five to turn to for comfort when she lost someone, but now with the exception of Nikola, they were gone. How would she go on this time?

"You mean I don't have the time," Will said softly. He had always known that she would, barring fatal injury or illness, that she would outlive him. Indeed, those times that he had thought she would die and leave him to carry on without her had terrified him. It had never occurred to him that he was as much a part of her life as she was of his. "Is that it?"

Magnus nodded against his shoulder, unable to speak now. Will stroked her back gently, hating that there was no real comfort that he could offer. Now more than ever he understood why she tried to remain aloof and keep from getting close to anyone. He had often wondered if she was lonely, but her work seemed to be all the companionship she really wanted. His heart ached with remorse that he had misjudged her so completely.

"I wish you had told me sooner," he whispered against her hair. "Because I may not know exactly how you feel, but I understand it. When that parasite infected you and the only way to cure you was to kill you…I can't tell you how hard that was to do."

Slowly Magnus raised her head to look him in the eye. "Is that why you never spoke about it again?"

"Yeah." Will shuddered as he remembered his desperate fight to bring her back to life. "I killed you…I had to watch you die…and the worst—the worst—was that I didn't know if I'd be able to bring you back…"

"I hated to ask it of you," Magnus told him. "Truthfully, that was the second hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"The second hardest?" Will gently brushed away the tears that fell once more. "What was the first?"

"Asking you to die so we could stop Kali." Magnus shifted so she could rest her forehead against his. "Every day since I've asked myself what would have happened if…if you had…"

"Hey, that's all over now," Will soothed. "If we hadn't done it, then I would have died anyway—and in a hell of a lot of pain. It was a gamble, but it paid off and we saved a lot of innocent lives that day. And now…who knows, we may still find a way to make things work out. I don't know if you've noticed, but somehow we find a way of doing that pretty often."

"How do you always manage to find a silver lining to any cloud and then help the rest of us to see it?" Magnus asked him softly. She rested against him, feeling calmer than she had in ages. "But I'm afraid that this time we aren't going to win."

"Then we have to enjoy the time we have." Will pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "Magnus, I can't promise that I won't ever leave you—any more than you could promise not to leave me. What I can promise is that I will do anything and everything in my power to stay with you as long as I can. It's not the answer I wish I could give you, but…"

"It's enough, Will." Magnus snuggled into his warm embrace. A thought began forming in the back of her mind but she pushed it aside for now. That was a decision that would need a great deal more consideration.