Comment: I know this has been absolutely intolerable behavior, so I am not even going to start and find excuses. I just want you to know that it was never my intention to leave Willow and Spike in the uncertainty I created for them - and certainly not my readers, and I'm really sorry.
So... Spike's back!! Are you happy or what? And, what's more important: will Willow be happy?
If you're not too mad at me, please, please tell me what you think! I promise to be good and post again very soon, ok? :))
Chapter 4
"She's not here."
Spike's voice was a monotone. Maybe it was from not using it. All their trip back, he had not spoken one word. Not one. And it had been a long trip.
Or maybe he didn't care anymore.
Buffy had decided not to go into Giles' place with him. She wasn't exactly a favorite with any of her friends right now, and that was understandable. She wasn't even on her own favorite-list. Her goal had been to bring Spike back. As with so many things lately, Buffy wasn't quite sure why that was so important to her (redemption? self-chastisement? simple stubbornness?), but she had done it and, on the way, she had found her own peace of mind. Well, she had found the beginning of the road that lead to it. Now she would have to walk that road for a long while.
"No, she isn't. I'm sorry, Spike."
Giles seemed genuinely sympathetic as he stood facing Spike in his living room. Suddenly, Spike had the feeling that, in some way or another, lately his whole life had been revolving around that living room, as if it had become the pivoting point of his existence. Here he had woken up to feel Willow's eyes burning into his skin and her blood running through his veins. Here she had confronted her friends for his sake and thereby changed everything for everyone. Here he had watched her sleep after the fall of the Initiative, after she had for the first time unleashed her darkest powers.
Spike could still feel that cold abyss in his mind, even though Buffy had told him the Bond they shared must have worn out by now. She had told him what they shared was love, that he could not hide and run from the love he felt because it was what he was now - and that frightened him more than anything in his life -or death- had ever frightened him.
Maybe that was why there was no inflexion in his voice. He was petrified with fear.
Instinctively, Giles sensed that fear. The Watcher in him told him there was nothing more dangerous than a scared vampire, and that the safest thing to do was to put as much distance as possible between the creature and himself.
But the man in him couldn't shake the knowledge: this was not just a "creature". As aberrant as it might seem, this was a being of nature, that walked the earth for a reason. And before that, it had been a man. Pain, hope, love, despair and doubt still shone in the demon's eyes. Who was he, Rupert Giles, to decide how much of that man dwelled in this body?
And there was another. A slight girl, wise and noble beyond her years, love and darkness battling in her soul her future in the gray that exists between stars The Watcher in Giles knew she was dangerous too, perhaps even more so than the vampire, that one day she would perhaps cause great sorrow. But it was the man, the protector, the friend who spoke:
"You can still find her. She only left a few hours ago."
"Did she tell you where she was going?"
"No. I went up into my room for a moment, and when I came back, she was gone."
"I see." Still Spike was not moving. Giles wanted to urge him on, to say 'hurry up you fool, go find her! If you don't, I don't know what will come upon us all.. ' But he restrained himself and kept silent. Clearly, there was something more Spike needed to know.
"Did she say something?"
"Something? What do you mean?"
"Something, anything at all. Buffy said she didn't talk to her, so I thought maybe she didn't speak to you either." Now he sounded almost hopeful.
"Well, I think it was quite natural she wouldn't want to speak to Buffy, don't you think?" And he wanted to add 'and I don't know what makes you think she'd want to talk to you', but Giles bit his lip. This was the last thing Spike needed to hear. They were not dealing with ordinary high-school heartbreak here, after all; there were dark powers involved, a vampire, a witch, and the force of destiny, no less. A normal day in Sunnydale, but precautions had to be taken.
Besides, something told Giles Willow actually WOULD want to talk to Spike. He wasn't quite sure if that made him happy or scared the hell out of him.
"Yes, she did talk to me."
"What - what did she say?"
"About what?"
"You know about what, Giles, don't be a jerk!"
Giles found this outburst of bad manners oddly reassuring. If Spike could cuss, maybe there was still some hope for the world.
"She didn't say much, Spike. Really, I tried to make her talk about it, I thought she might feel better, but she... well, I guess she was too hurt."
One could see clearly that Spike was hating every second of this conversation, especially because of Giles' very supportive and understanding attitude. A vampire doesn't want to be understood or supported by *humans*! First the Slayer had to tell him about the real meaning of life, now he depended on the Watcher to try and save what was still left of that life, and what would be next - the Slayer's preppie boyfriend taking him shopping? A trip to the hairdresser?
"What - did - she -say?", he uttered between clenched teeth.
"She said she was afraid of herself. That she needed to be somewhere else and take some time to think about everything, about who she was and what she wanted."
"And didn't she mention where that might be?"
"No."
Spike nodded and turned to go. His hand already on the doorknob, he said: "Thank you, Giles."
He had to admit some grudging admiration for the man; not only was he honestly trying to help him find Willow, but he was doing so against what must be his better judgment. And he had even helped him feel better (hopefully, he would never know THAT): when he had come into the room, everything inside Spike had felt like icy cold, slippery marble, on which every thought and feeling must crash to a thousand shreds. Now, with his annoyance about these pitiful people, a part of his former self had returned, and with it, his ability to think, to focus on what he wanted and how to get it.
What he wanted was Willow.
"Spike!"
"Yes." He repressed his impatience. Although he didn't know where to start, he was sure he'd have some good ideas as soon as he wasn't held back by this human's general - incompetence. But he turned towards Giles with all the politeness he could muster. Never would he admit this, not even to himself, not even under torture, but Spike felt he OWED the man a debt.
"I remember one other thing she said. 'Whatever I am now, whatever I will be, William is part of it.'
So... Spike's back!! Are you happy or what? And, what's more important: will Willow be happy?
If you're not too mad at me, please, please tell me what you think! I promise to be good and post again very soon, ok? :))
Chapter 4
"She's not here."
Spike's voice was a monotone. Maybe it was from not using it. All their trip back, he had not spoken one word. Not one. And it had been a long trip.
Or maybe he didn't care anymore.
Buffy had decided not to go into Giles' place with him. She wasn't exactly a favorite with any of her friends right now, and that was understandable. She wasn't even on her own favorite-list. Her goal had been to bring Spike back. As with so many things lately, Buffy wasn't quite sure why that was so important to her (redemption? self-chastisement? simple stubbornness?), but she had done it and, on the way, she had found her own peace of mind. Well, she had found the beginning of the road that lead to it. Now she would have to walk that road for a long while.
"No, she isn't. I'm sorry, Spike."
Giles seemed genuinely sympathetic as he stood facing Spike in his living room. Suddenly, Spike had the feeling that, in some way or another, lately his whole life had been revolving around that living room, as if it had become the pivoting point of his existence. Here he had woken up to feel Willow's eyes burning into his skin and her blood running through his veins. Here she had confronted her friends for his sake and thereby changed everything for everyone. Here he had watched her sleep after the fall of the Initiative, after she had for the first time unleashed her darkest powers.
Spike could still feel that cold abyss in his mind, even though Buffy had told him the Bond they shared must have worn out by now. She had told him what they shared was love, that he could not hide and run from the love he felt because it was what he was now - and that frightened him more than anything in his life -or death- had ever frightened him.
Maybe that was why there was no inflexion in his voice. He was petrified with fear.
Instinctively, Giles sensed that fear. The Watcher in him told him there was nothing more dangerous than a scared vampire, and that the safest thing to do was to put as much distance as possible between the creature and himself.
But the man in him couldn't shake the knowledge: this was not just a "creature". As aberrant as it might seem, this was a being of nature, that walked the earth for a reason. And before that, it had been a man. Pain, hope, love, despair and doubt still shone in the demon's eyes. Who was he, Rupert Giles, to decide how much of that man dwelled in this body?
And there was another. A slight girl, wise and noble beyond her years, love and darkness battling in her soul her future in the gray that exists between stars The Watcher in Giles knew she was dangerous too, perhaps even more so than the vampire, that one day she would perhaps cause great sorrow. But it was the man, the protector, the friend who spoke:
"You can still find her. She only left a few hours ago."
"Did she tell you where she was going?"
"No. I went up into my room for a moment, and when I came back, she was gone."
"I see." Still Spike was not moving. Giles wanted to urge him on, to say 'hurry up you fool, go find her! If you don't, I don't know what will come upon us all.. ' But he restrained himself and kept silent. Clearly, there was something more Spike needed to know.
"Did she say something?"
"Something? What do you mean?"
"Something, anything at all. Buffy said she didn't talk to her, so I thought maybe she didn't speak to you either." Now he sounded almost hopeful.
"Well, I think it was quite natural she wouldn't want to speak to Buffy, don't you think?" And he wanted to add 'and I don't know what makes you think she'd want to talk to you', but Giles bit his lip. This was the last thing Spike needed to hear. They were not dealing with ordinary high-school heartbreak here, after all; there were dark powers involved, a vampire, a witch, and the force of destiny, no less. A normal day in Sunnydale, but precautions had to be taken.
Besides, something told Giles Willow actually WOULD want to talk to Spike. He wasn't quite sure if that made him happy or scared the hell out of him.
"Yes, she did talk to me."
"What - what did she say?"
"About what?"
"You know about what, Giles, don't be a jerk!"
Giles found this outburst of bad manners oddly reassuring. If Spike could cuss, maybe there was still some hope for the world.
"She didn't say much, Spike. Really, I tried to make her talk about it, I thought she might feel better, but she... well, I guess she was too hurt."
One could see clearly that Spike was hating every second of this conversation, especially because of Giles' very supportive and understanding attitude. A vampire doesn't want to be understood or supported by *humans*! First the Slayer had to tell him about the real meaning of life, now he depended on the Watcher to try and save what was still left of that life, and what would be next - the Slayer's preppie boyfriend taking him shopping? A trip to the hairdresser?
"What - did - she -say?", he uttered between clenched teeth.
"She said she was afraid of herself. That she needed to be somewhere else and take some time to think about everything, about who she was and what she wanted."
"And didn't she mention where that might be?"
"No."
Spike nodded and turned to go. His hand already on the doorknob, he said: "Thank you, Giles."
He had to admit some grudging admiration for the man; not only was he honestly trying to help him find Willow, but he was doing so against what must be his better judgment. And he had even helped him feel better (hopefully, he would never know THAT): when he had come into the room, everything inside Spike had felt like icy cold, slippery marble, on which every thought and feeling must crash to a thousand shreds. Now, with his annoyance about these pitiful people, a part of his former self had returned, and with it, his ability to think, to focus on what he wanted and how to get it.
What he wanted was Willow.
"Spike!"
"Yes." He repressed his impatience. Although he didn't know where to start, he was sure he'd have some good ideas as soon as he wasn't held back by this human's general - incompetence. But he turned towards Giles with all the politeness he could muster. Never would he admit this, not even to himself, not even under torture, but Spike felt he OWED the man a debt.
"I remember one other thing she said. 'Whatever I am now, whatever I will be, William is part of it.'