Ana POV

Not that I was interested in Christian Grey, because I wasn't. I just wanted to help Gail cook dinner. Never mind that I can't cook to save my life, or that I'm not exactly enjoying it either.

Through the years, I developed a kind of bravery, or you can call it recklessness when it comes to social interactions. Conversing with someone, speaking my mind comes to me easily. I don't know what's the explanation of it really.

I've learnt to be independent of others opinion. I've come to define myself outside of social connections. Have I? Because what people think of me, is not who I am, so as a consequence, with a very few exceptions their opinion doesn't matter.

I like to speak about the elephant in the room. I like to look for the truth, not the social norm, but the deeper, meaningful, basic truth. And life's too short to beat around the bush. Or in my case the amount of time you'll live in the same place is too short to waste time with pleasantries. By moving from city to city through the years, I've learnt not to waste time when it comes to relationships. Of course, there were people who didn't interest me the sightliest. For those I developed my perfect smile, and answers of the same pattern.

And then, there were the people whom I liked, whom I wanted to get close to, whom I wanted to get to know. With these people I was opinionated, straightforward and direct. And usually they responded to my behaviour with like-minded approach. This is the way I gained some really great friends.

Bottom line is, when I found someone interesting, I just went for it. I couldn't afford to go slow, to built a relationship in the usual tempo, because I never knew when we would move forward.

And there was no place for regrets and doubts, cause really, what's the point? It's not like I'll have to live with those people for the rest of my life. It's not like I'll have to live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life. What's the worst that could happen if you're blatantly honest? It will be awkward for a few more months top, and then you'll never have to see them again. And it became quite easy for me to just shrug off these awkward situations. I certainly didn't lose any sleep because of them.

The same applies to this situation. I have nothing to lose. If I want to leave, I can do that within the hour. It was a long time ago that I learned to live in a way that all my belongings would fit in a suitcase, and I can be all packed within minutes.

I don't own anyone anything here. There are no strings that would hold me here, or anywhere, for that matter. And at this moment there are at least six places in the world I could go.

So, in the full knowledge of my absolute independence I headed towards the kitchen to offer my help to Gail, knowing full well that there's a good chance, that, being Sunday, the master of the house is at home.

"Please Gail. I'm bored. I won't utter a word." I pleaded when she wanted to sent me back. "Plus, you all act like he's Nero himself and will burn alive everyone who gets in his way." I said it jokingly whispering. She just rolled her eyes, and motions for me to start chopping.

"So, for how long this time?" she started.

"I don't know. Depends on what Seattle has to offer." I winked at her.

We worked in a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

"Where have you been this morning? You didn't say anything…"

"I've been to church."

"Church?" she asked incredulously. "Since when are you going to church? Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing. I just…just wouldn't imagine you like someone to go to church."

I just smiled at her stammering.

"Why?"

"You just don't look like that?" she shrugged.

"Why? How does one have to look like to be a believer?"

She just shrugged again.

I smiled. "I wouldn't have thought of you as someone who thinks in the box, Gail." then I added in a slightly more serious tone. "Anyone can be the child of God."

She just stared at me for a moment. I had to suppress my urge to laugh at her.

Then she recovered herself. "Believe me Ana, I think that I'm a very, very open-minded person." she said cryptically. I just raised an eyebrow at her.

"For how long does this lasts?"

"A few years now." I answered. I visited Gail and Jason twice a year or so, but in the last four years I haven't been here for longer than two or three days at once, so she couldn't have known.

My thoughts wonder to Theodora.

"You're full of surprises girl."

I just smiled. I liked to be full of surprises.

For a few minutes there was silence between us, except the sound of the chopping. But I knew this kind of silence.

"Have you been at the house?" It didn't took her long now, did it?

"No."

She didn't comment, bless her heart.

To fill in the awkward silence, she went on with her inquisition in a different direction.

"Anyone special in you life?" Gail dear, stop feigning the nonchalant. It really doesn't suit you.

"Which one are you referring to?" I asked smirking. She just smiled a not exactly honest smile.

"The one the closest to you."

I sighted, not really in the mood to play games right now. "I don't have anyone as of now." Or ever.

Forever the considerate, she didn't press the matter any longer.

Sometimes I wonder, is this how it would've been to grow up with a mother? In what way would I be different today, if I had a mother, whit whom I could talk about these things. Whom I could confide in with my feelings and secrets…

I never missed a mother, though. Dad was everything I could need. Our personalities are so alike. Neither of us is overly emotional, and we sure as hell don't like to manifest our emotions in any outstanding way. We only talk as much as it's necessary.

At the same time, he was always present in my life. And not just physically. Although it was alien of his nature to discuss emotions, and deal with things a teenager girl deals with, but he always made an effort for me. He always assured me, that he would be there for me, and made sure that the lines of communication are always open. It was how it's always been with us, and I was contented with it.

"So, what are you going to do now? Are you going to continue to work for the UNICEF?"

"I think yes."

"Here? In the States?"

"Noo." I answered cautiously, knowing full well what her reaction would be. "It's Guatemala in six months."

She hesitated a moment before she spoke. "Wouldn't you like to settle down? To have a constant place to live?" She asked like it's no big deal, but I knew better. Trust her to find the heart of everything. With that intrinsic intuition that only a woman has, she somehow felt, that there's more to the story. In this regard, Gail was a fearful woman.

It wasn't that I didn't wanted it. It's just I didn't know how to do it. This lifestyle is all I have ever known. I don't think that I'm cut out for the regular life with boyfriend, then husband, a house in what you live for years. Not two or three, but tens of years. God, even the thought…

Great, and now she picked on my hesitation. "I'm contented with my life as it is." I said quickly.

Although I couldn't deny, that deep down I would really love to have kids. If only there wouldn't have been so many things that would make it impossible for me.

She just looked at me for a moment. "You know Ana, sometimes I wonder, what is it exactly, that you expect from life. You always say that you're content, but then…you…"

"What, Gail?" I asked, slightly raising my voice. "What is there not to be contented about? I have everything I could ever ask for. There are so many people around the world who don't even have a small percentage of what I have. I have more than what I ever wanted… "

"All I'm saying is that you have a right to feel whatever you feel. You don't have to oblige yourself to be happy, just because you saw all that suffering in those countries you've been. Mostly because that's not possible." she said a little forcefully. "And you know I'm not talking about material things."

And now I feel bad, because I snapped at her. Regardless I don't apologize. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know how. See? How could I ever be with someone for a long term, when I don't know how to apologize?

But fortunately, Gail is the most considerate person I've ever known. As if she could read my thoughts, she gave me a genuine smile to let me know she doesn't have hard feelings.

Few more minutes passed in a somewhat uncomfortable silence. She doesn't said anything more, thank God. This conversation was deeper anyway, than I ever wanted it to be.

"All right. We are mostly done in here. Would you mind cleaning up? I have things to do in the laundry room." I nodded that it's no problem. "After that you go right back to our quarter."

I just rolled my eyes. This is ridiculous It's like I'm infectious.

But she was already out.

I started to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, and my thoughts wonder to the huge wooden bowl we washed the dishes in in Sudan. I might have been a teacher there, but I always had to have my share of the housework.

I was lost in my thoughts, and when I looked up, I jumped a little because he was standing there at the entrance of his kitchen, looking at me.