4. sadness (2 weeks after)
I run all the way home without stopping to catch my breath.
When I enter my apartment, I don't even stop to say hello to Hikari. She's sitting on the couch doing homework and I feel her gaze on the back of my head as I immediately go to my room and close the door. She knows something isn't right, but she won't follow me. She's learned by now when to ask me what's wrong and when to just leave me alone.
I throw my backpack on the ground and collapse facedown into my bed. My entire body is screaming in pain; I can feel my pulse in all my muscles and the metallic taste of blood slides down my throat with every swallow. Though that's nothing compared to how I feel inside.
I punch the wall angrily, not knowing what else to do. It doesn't make me feel better, but it doesn't make me feel worse, so I do it again, and again, and again. I'm about to connect my fist with the wall for the twelfth time when I hear a soft knock on the door.
"Hikari," I say aggressively. "Go away."
"It's me."
I freeze.
"Can I come in?"
When I don't respond, the door opens. Though I can't see him, Koushirou's presence fills the room.
"How did you-?" I ask, unmoving.
"Miyako-kun called me," he says, sitting on my bed. "She was in the computer lab and saw you running past."
"Oh." I hope that's all she saw, though I know it isn't. She wouldn't have called if she hadn't seen the reason why I was so quick to leave. Humiliation burns the back of my throat and I stare at the wall, unspeaking.
"What happened?" he asks.
With a heavy sigh, I sit up and look at him for the first time.
His eyes widen when he sees my face. I haven't looked in a mirror but if I look as bad as I feel, I must be pretty fucked up. I know my lower lip is split and bleeding into my mouth, I think I have a black eye, my jaw feels like it's pretty badly bruised and I can feel small cuts and scrapes all over the rest of my face.
"Oh, my God," he breathes, obviously devastated. "Why-?" The look on his face hurts worse than all my injuries combined.
"I-" I begin, "they-" and before I know it, I'm crying. Hard. I can't remember the last time I've cried, but here I am, sitting in my bed, crying like a little kid.
"Oh- shh, Tai, it's okay," he says awkwardly, unsure of what to do. He reaches for me, and I bury my face in his shoulder, arms around his neck, staining his shirt with my tears. I don't understand what I did wrong- what we did wrong. I don't understand how any of this could be wrong.
"I'm sorry," I manage to choke out. "I just don't know how to deal with this."
He doesn't speak, just gently strokes my hair. I feel so stupid- we're two high school boys, sitting on a bed, holding each other and I'm crying- but there's nothing else I can do. Everything hurts and I'm so confused and now I'm also wet.
He softly kisses my forehead and I catch my breath. I know it's going to be okay.
I have him.