GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!

1200 hours; high noon. The zoo has opened. All sorts of people storming in; young, old, quick, unbearably slow. And why not? The animals there are really exciting, energetic and adorable. The otters and lemurs were entertaining but, the penguins certainly the main attraction by far.

"Alright, team. A bit of a mix up from the usual. When we start pairing it'll be me and Private, and Kowalski and Rico."

Kowalski stammered almost breaking formation, making Skipper curious. "You okay there, smartguy?"

"No. No, I'm alright, but if I may ask, why ARE we mixing it up, Skipper?"

"Marlene has informed me that the humans think that you and I are mates." Kowalski, Rico, and Private all stopped waving their wings and their eyes shifted to their captain. "Yes, I know. I was equally startled with this information too, but luckily Marlene and I came up with a plan..."

1030 hours

After Marlene delivered the news, Skipper was flabbergasted to silence. "So, I guess you and Kowalski aren't"

"No, we aren't! He's my right hand man and I'm his valiant leader. How could anybody think that me and Kowalski were that close?"

"Weeeeeeell, between the four of you that would be my guess as well."

"...Marlene. Are you telling me you actually sit in your den and let those thoughts cultivate in your mind?"

"What? No. I chat it up with the other zoo animals...", Skipper's face was one great animosity. He clearly didn't like all the gossip floating about of this 'relationship'. "I know it sounds bad, but hear me out. Like you said you and Kowalski are close and when the both of you talk, you also lock eye contact and"

"Also taught Rico and Private to talk like that. Why aren't there any rumors of them?"

"Well, if you haven't noticed, Rico isn't all there so he keeps wandering off or focusing on something else and if he does answer it involves him shaking his head wildly and, I'm not sure if you all are doing it instinctively but the rest of you back away slightly. As for Private, it's obvious he's more of a son to everybody with that naivete."

"From looking out to looking in, it's so clear that you shouldn't be listening to the humans. They are clearly trying to use psychological warfare to lower your confidence in us as respectable defenders of the zoo."

"Or they're making logical decisions based on the evidence you are giving them?"

"Hmm. My idea sounds so much more likely now...", Skipper said with massive assurance as he headed for the exit.

"Well either way if you want the rumors to stop," Skipper was still headed out the door, "AND make the human's intel gathering seem faulty," The commando stopped to listen, "Your going to have to mix it up."

1205 hours

"Well, that was informative, but you aren't insulted that the humans think we're of the homosexual orientation?", quipped Kowalski

"Hardly. Though Private's attempts to look fruity with Rico are clearly being overlooked,", Skipper said disappointingly, "regardless, the point is to compromise any and all the data they might have on us. No hard feelings, Kowalski.", the analyst couldn't roll his eyes hard enough in his mind.

Private couldn't help but giggle when he asked, "Oh, so there's no real reason you wouldn't court any of us, eh', Skippa'?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't say that." Private, Kowalski and Rico were taken back. They thought Skipper was okay with the idea, he was sounding hypocritical. "Actually, I forbid any relationship within this team. The last thing I want is for this team to break apart due to broken hearts.", and there it was. The reason Rico had to be a professional about this. On one hand, Kowalski could be more obsessed than he looks and he might not be able to perform to his desires, though on the other hand Rico might be over-thinking how much, if any, Kowalski might have loved him. A simple question would suffice, but that brought up certain complications. The only time he could probably get a good guage on the analyst was to put the two of them in a highly stressful situation, but with the training Skipper gave them everything just seemed so easy...too easy. A flood of doubt ran over Rico as he thought back on his punishment with Kowalski. He'd have to put his heart aside until this dread he was feeling had gone away. Thankfully, still had some time to skulk around. Rico would have to go through some zoo files while the personnel were still there. This solo-mission would take all of his concentra-

"Rico, are you alright?", asked Private sweetly, "You've been spacing out a lot recently..."

Rico smiled weakly and patted Private on the head, trying to put him at ease, but Private knew there was something was troubling his scarred friend. At least he had a good reason for not telling him anything.

"Now come on, boys. Cute 'n cuddly..."

1045

Skipper thought over Marlene's plan and eventually agreed. ,"That's actually not a bad idea. I mean I was just gunna scramble the computers, make the current employees vanish, and brainwash the animals you've been talking to, but this is so much more simple. Thanks, Marlene."

"Uh, right.", the otter could only sit there stunned that she helped stopped a massive crisis.

The commando was about to leave again before he stopped once more and said, "Anything going on in the rumor mill about King Pain-in-the-tail?"

Marlene thought about it for a while, but ultimately said, "Not really. I mean he has a new black and white feather fan that he absolutely loves and you penguins are the closest source of said feathers, but you guys wouldn't give your feathers to him willingly even if they were molting feathers or something so he must have got it somewhere else. Why'd you ask?"

"I was honestly trying to be more civilian, but now I'm sorry I asked", and then he exited Marlene's habitat and as soon as he was out of earshot Skipper said to himself, "So that's why Julien was plucking my feathers...I thought that crazy lemur was just sadistic. Well, it seems that he's finished his little gift to himself; I'll ask him to stop next time we meet. I can only preen myself so well without proper plummage.". Skipper inspected his tail, where King Julien had been taking most of his feathers and then realized how effeminate he was being about the situation. Thinking to himself the commander thought, "And THAT'S the reason 'Don't ask, don't tell' existed. Oh well, nobody's gunna ask if I don't make it obvious and I'm not gunna tell anybody...and making it a secret just makes it all the sweeter."