Four

"So when Juicey said this Jenn was a dancer, I figured the lad meant exotic," Chibs said, breaking the silence that had fallen in the back of the Teller-Morrow van. He had insisted on joining the impromptu mission to scope out the bars and clubs singled out as the search for their fallen brother's apparently not-so-old flame narrowed and was still getting himself up to speed, sat in the back with Tig and Happy while Juice sat up front to give the prospect directions. "How does a guy like Kozik hook up with a hot wee ballerina in the first place? No offense to Blondie, but I'm gonna guess he didn't find her while taking in Swan Lake or some such shite of an evening ..."

"It helps if the so-called pressure of all that twirling about gets too much and the hot wee ballerina gets herself kicked out of some fancy dance school and into rehab," Tig said dryly, his lip curling in evident distaste.

"And that was how they met? Rehab?"

"Some support group he tried for a while," Tig shrugged. "I warned him it was a bad idea, two addicts together. But would he fucking listen?"

"Would you, if you were getting to dip your dick in some tight little bad-girl dancer?" Chibs questioned, an eyebrow raised knowingly. "Feisty and flexible - come on, man, that's a tasty combination right there ..."

"Until the shit hits the fan. Yeah, yeah, he was like the cat that got the fucking cream in the beginning. But ya know what happens to cream? It turns sour."

Ten years earlier

"Christ, Koz, I thought you understood!"

"I tried, Jenn – I really fucking tried, but can you seriously blame me for not being cool with this?" he demanded, his fists already clenched as he watched her storm about the bedroom still in those fuck-me heels, all fiery hair and tiny scraps of lace. Angry as he was, he couldn't take his eyes off her and that was only making his temper sky-rocket, knowing she must have had the same effect on every goddamn guy in that shitty club before he'd all but dragged her out of there, barely stopping to let her pull her skirt and shirt on over that goddamn underwear. "I know what those places are like and I don't want that shit for you, babe."

"I explained it to you though. I told you this is my second chance," she ranted, kicking off her shoes and dropping back down all at once to barely reaching his shoulder. "I can't make this kind of money waiting tables or some shit. But if I do this, just for a little while, I could afford to get back into dance school. Not like before - I fucked that up and they'd never take me back. But somewhere. I could start over ..."

"Look, I get that," Kozik insisted, trying to find a way to explain. "That's why I tried to get past it, but come on, Jenn, get real - who the fuck wants to see their girl take her damn clothes off for a bunch of lecherous assholes night after night?"

"And what is it you think I'm going to do, huh?" she demanded, rounding on him with a dangerous glint in those bright green, kohl-lined eyes. "You think some sleazeball stranger's gonna push up on me and what? Come on, Koz, how far do you think your girl's gonna go, huh? Do I let him touch me up? Jack him off in front of everyone?"

"Stop it," Kozik growled, not liking the images she was putting in his head while stood there in that leave-nothing-to-the-imagination electric blue lingerie, giving him exactly the same eyeful as she'd just given a club full of drunks, but also hating that she was deliberately trying to push his buttons. And even more so, hating that he knew that was exactly what she was trying to do and she was still succeeding.

He didn't know whether he wanted to slap the shit out of her or fuck her senseless right there on the floor.

And she just sneered at him as she shook her head, crossing her arms across that infuriatingly enticing display of cleavage. "Nah, we're just talking this shit out like you wanted and now I want to know how little my so-called boyfriend really thinks of me. Because clearly you think this makes me no better than some backstreet hooker, so come on, Kozik – just because I do this to try to pay my way, to try to get something of my old life back, how many of these assholes do you think I'm gonna cheat on you with exactly? Because that's what this bullshit comes down to, isn't it? You think I'm gonna spread my legs and let the first guy who asks fuck me! Shit, Koz, if staying clean turned you into this judgemental prick, maybe I'm glad that's just one more thing I keep fucking up!"

He put his fist to the wall. It was that or her pretty little face and, despite everything else he was capable of, he never wanted to be that guy.

Her eyes widened, but that aside, she barely flinched and, instead, turned on her heel and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her and setting him to swearing in earnest over her lack of reaction. Sure, she was fucking furious, but he'd just realised there was still an absence in that gaze that was all-too familiar.

"Are you fucking high? Jenn! Open the motherfucking door, Jenn, or I swear to Christ, I'll put my fucking foot through it!" he raged, barely noticing his shredded knuckles as he slammed his hand flat against the wood. The paranoia, the sudden swings of crazy logic, the temper and yet the almost eerie calm ... It all fell into place.

"Don't you dare, you bastard!" she yelled back, her own temper seeming to really snap judging by the noise coming from the tiny bathroom, leaving him to only assume she was throwing everything in there at the walls. "You're an asshole, Herman Kozik, you know that? I have to trust you, why can't you for once just trust me?"

He could hear the tears in her voice now and it dampened the fire in him just as quickly as she had lit it. Raking a deflated hand through the messy spikes of his hair, he paced the floor, trying to find a way through this shit. Fury he could deal with, but having her upset and crying was a whole other ball game. Especially if something had happened to start her using again and he knew she wouldn't give in to old habits just for shits and giggles. "Open the door, JJ," he sighed, hearing her little wrecking spree continue. "C'mon, babe ..."

"Fuck you!" she all but screamed. "Why do you even care if you just think the same as everyone else? That I'm nothing but some junkie slut ..."

The words rose hysterically only to cut off in a shattering of glass and a wail of pain and fear that chilled him one second and sent him diving for the door the next. "Jenn!" Kozik shouted, wrestling in vain with the handle of the locked door before simply setting his shoulder to it. It only took him two attempts to send it crashing off its hinges.

Despite the get-up and the make-up streaking her face, she looked like a pitiful little girl huddled on the floor when she turned huge tear-filled eyes on him and held out a trembling hand pierced by a huge bloody shard of the mirror that had once hung over the sink.

"Jesus Christ," Kozik swore, dropping to his knees in front of her and taking her injured hand gently in both of his. "Fuck, baby, what did you do? No, no, don't move – let me look ... Shit, JJ, I gotta get this out ..."

But she bore his ministrations with only the tiniest whimpers now, though her shoulders shook with silent sobs and she wouldn't look at him as he slowly and carefully worked out the jagged piece of glass and pressed a towel firmly to the wound to try to stem the bleeding.

"I don't think it'll need stitches. Looked worse than it is, but it's gonna sting like a bitch," he said finally, sitting back to survey the trashed bathroom, the busted door and the blood on the floor, and leaning his head back against the wall in defeat. "Fucking hell, kid."

Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks and she swiped at them with the hand not swathed in a towel. "I'm sorry," Jenn whispered. "I ... I'm so fucking stupid."

"Don't say that," he sighed, reaching out to her until she finally crawled onto his lap and he wrapped her up in his arms, pressing kisses into her tangled hair. "What happened, sweetheart?"

"All the stuff you warned me about from the start, you were right all along," she managed, as it all started to tumble out. "I'd never cheat on you, Koz, never. But the other stuff – the other girls, the drugs, the type of guys ... You were right and I didn't want to admit I couldn't handle it, so I lashed out. I thought I was strong enough and that there'd be security to deal with the assholes, but no one gave a shit. This guy literally had his hands in my underwear and no one gave a shit. And I didn't want to give up, so I ... I took something just to get through it. When I saw you ... I just wanted you to take me home, but I couldn't admit I was wrong and I ... I ..."

"Hey, shhh, baby, don't cry," Kozik soothed, torn between wanting to get up and go find the bastard who'd dared lay a finger on his girl and the need to just hold her close and comfort her. "I got you, JJ. I got you."

"I don't know why you put up with my shit," she sniffled, snuggling deeper into his t-shirt clad chest.

"I could say the same to you."

"I'm serious, Koz."

"So am I. You get under my skin like no one else, girl. You're crazy, gorgeous, sweet and you're all fucking mine. Besides, it's too late to go get this changed," he said, his serious look turning to a grin as he tilted his head to better show off the ink on his neck. "I love you, baby, and that shit's for life."