Chapter 4- The Hard Learned Truth
Laguna stood with his hands wide open in a welcoming gesture, emerald eyes shining. "Squall! Rinoa! Hey there! It's so great to see you, kids, again! See? What'd I tell ya! Love, friendship, and courage was the way, and now look at you!" Laguna seemed to be bursting with pride as he walked briskly toward them. He clapped his hands firmly on, a rather stunned, Squall's shoulders. "Alive, well. Happy, I hope? Man, I gotta tell ya, it's a relief seeing that you're healthy and not all beaten and tore up and stuff. I'm sure that precounter with Ultimecia wasn't exactly an easy trip on a boat!"
Trip on a boat? Precounter...? Pretty sure he means encounter... Squall shook his head and pushed Laguna's hands off of him, but the older gentleman paid it no mind.
The President peeked around Squall and Rinoa, scanning the room. "Well, where are the others?"
"Quistis, Selphie, Zell, and Irvine have gone to scout the city and talk with the citizens and soldiers," Squall replied impatiently, arms folded across his chest. "They're gathering information for their own purposes."
"Sir Laguna, it's so wonderful to see you again as well!" Rinoa piped up before the President could respond. Laguna cast his eyes toward Rinoa and reached his hands out to take one of Rinoa's in his own. Squall's ice blue eyes narrowed downward as he watched the older man place one hand over the top of hers.
"Ah, Julia's daughter," Laguna sighed, with a flicker of nostalgia in his emerald green eyes. "Miss Rinoa Heartilly. You look so much like your mother. I've been meaning to tell you that for awhile now, just never got the chance to. Just as pretty too!"
Rinoa giggled, blushed and nodded her head in acknowledgment of his words. "Thank you, Sir." She paused for a moment and Laguna let go of her hands and took a step back, still smiling. "Now there will be none of this 'Sir' nonsense," he gently scolded the girl. "Makes me sound old! Laguna will do just fine."
Rinoa placed her hands behind her back, running the toe of her boot over the floor in circles. "Sir, sorry, Laguna... If I may ask, I was... I was hoping that maybe you could tell me more about my mother, please? What was she like? How do you remember her? The only memories I have are just her holding me when I was small and how she used to sing to me. Please?" She folded her hands to her chest, looking up at the black-haired man, her chocolate eyes glittering hopefully.
"Rinoa," Squall interrupted, a hint of exasperation in his voice, hand on his hip. "We really don't have time for this right now." Rinoa bowed her head in apology and backed away from Laguna. She took a few steps back and kept her head lowered, hands folded in front of her.
Squall felt guilty for a moment, wondering if he hurt her feelings, which he hadn't meant to. He just wanted to get this supposed meeting with Laguna done and over with as quickly as possible so he could concentrate on the mission. Squall couldn't help but sometimes forget that Rinoa wasn't accustomed to SeeD protocol and how specific things were handled. He would explain that to her later, and let her know he hadn't meant to hurt her feelings. Brushing off that thought, the Commander of Seed turned and looked at The President of Esthar once more.
"We're in a hurry. State your business."
Laguna chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Straight to the matter at heart, as usual! Just like a work-a-holic SeeD!"
Squall could recall that Laguna had said those words to him once before, and for some reason, it really annoyed him more than what he already is. His patience with all of this was growing thin. The President leaned in toward Rinoa and Squall heard him whisper to her.
"Psst... Don't worry. We'll have more time later, and then I can tell you more about Julia. Promise," he added with a wink, placing a large hand on the girl's small shoulder to give it a gentle squeeze. Rinoa lifted her head and gave a small smile, but chose to stay silent.
"Alright, let's go to my office and talk there. More private and we won't have a buncha onlookers listening in on what I have to say," Laguna stated, becoming more serious now and he beckoned all of them in his direction. Squall, Rinoa, Kiros, Ward, and Ellone followed Laguna down the massive hall and into his elaborately decorated office. He closed the door behind him, but before Laguna could begin speaking, Squall spoke up first.
"Look, Laguna. I'm not trying to sound rude here or anything," Squall began, but his tone certainly indicated differently. "We're not here on some social call, and you can't just call SeeD up here whenever you need a chat because something might be weighing on your mind."
"Squall, please," Ellone cut in, approaching her little brother. She placed a hand against his arm. "Please hear him out. This isn't a social call like you think it is, but it's important you understand what's going on here and what Uncle Laguna has to say."
Squall huffed, folded his arms and lowered his head. "Fine. Just please make it quick so we can get on with the mission."
"Hoo-boy, where do I begin?" Laguna began, scratching the back of his head once more. "Well, I'm sure you remember, Elle sending you back into the past in my head 'n all that, right? The faeries! Right, well you saw when we were in Winhill and everything, and how Raine brought me in and took care of me for all them months and stuff. Y'know, if I hadn't been for Raine, I really don't know if I'd be standing here today," he added as an afterthought, and Squall thought for a moment he saw a flicker of pain in Laguna's eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it came.
Laguna cleared his throat. "Well, when Elle was kidnapped, Raine begged me to go and find her, and truth be told, she didn't have to beg me. I promised Elle and Raine both that I'd always take care of her, and if anything happened to her, I'd always go and find her and bring her home! Me, her and Raine, we were gonna be together, be a family and that's that, right? Right!" Laguna glanced at the thin girl at his side, and Ellone smiled, nodding her head at the President in agreement.
He sure is animated... like a cartoon character... Squall mentally noted, taking in Laguna's constant movement and mannerisms.
Then out of nowhere, Laguna began to slow down, the brightness leaving his green eyes as a dark cloud seemed to settle over him. "But now Esthar needed someone to run the city, and not rule it with tyranny and fear, so they appointed me as their president. I felt that Ellone would be safer back in Winhill with Raine, and so I sent her home. Once I could get the city back in order, then I could go back to Winhill, go back home and be with Raine and Elle. You see, Raine and I had gotten very close. About a month before Elle had been kidnapped, I sorta...," Laguna broke off and Squall noticed the man looking down at a silver ring on his left hand.
"You got married?" Squall questioned, hoping to help speed things along. He wasn't entirely sure why Laguna was telling him all of this, but deep down, he felt he had a pretty good idea at what this leading to. Though Squall himself wasn't sure if he was ready to accept it or not, he was pretty sure he had figured it out.
"Yeah! Yeah, we did. And uhhh... what was I talking about? Oh! Yeah! So a week before Ellone was kidnapped, Raine and I got married, and uhhh... oh boy, the townspeople were so mad. Heh, they never liked me much at all. There was this store owner who hated me so much, he would've easier just thrown me into the streets if he'd had Raine's permission, and the flower shop lady? Hoo-boy, she couldn't stand me! But they all loved Raine and supported her for her decision to be with me," Laguna paused once more and this time for certain he saw the pain in Laguna's eyes.
Rinoa cleared her throat softly. "So, even though the townspeople didn't like you and were against you, you still married Raine, Sir Laguna?" the young sorceress questioned, looking up at him with a softness in her eyes. "Oh that's true love," and she cast her glance elsewhere with a faraway look in her eyes. Squall couldn't help but wonder if she were thinking about him.
"Yeah, well... while I was in Esthar, working on rebuilding the city, Raine... She uh... well, she died while I was here," Laguna closed his eyes painfully, his voice unsteady. "The townspeople told me that one day she just passed away, but they wouldn't tell me what from. All they told me was that it was just a mysterious illness, never really specified what the illness was. Nothing. So, they had sent Ellone to live in an orphanage," he opened up his eyes and locked them with Squall's ice blue stare. "Kramer Orphanage."
"So, Ellone was sent to the same orphanage I was, right?" Squall stated placing a hand on his hip. "What does this even have to do with anything?"
"Squall, please just listen," Ellone pleaded once more. "Come on now, Uncle Laguna," the young woman encouraged the president who's demeanor was once so animated, he'd now slowed and was hardly moving. He seemed to be wanting to stare more at the floor than anything but kept his gaze locked on the young SeeD Commander before him. The way Laguna was looking at him made Squall uneasy.
"What... what I didn't know at the time was that Raine was, well... she was... pregnant," Laguna finally spit out. Rinoa gasped, eyes widening, placing a hand on her chest and Laguna scratched the back of his neck, unable to look at Squall. "The townspeople hated me so flippin' much that they refused to tell me that Raine was pregnant with our child, and died shortly after childbirth. She had given birth to a baby boy, our baby boy, a son! I had a son, and that was when both Ellone and my son were sent to the orphanage, and, well that baby was- ARGH!" Laguna grasped at his leg and began limping over to his desk.
"Sir Laguna!" Rinoa exclaimed, rushing forward along with Ellone. "Are you alright? Squall!" Rinoa turned her widened-eyed expression to meet Squall's, who remained outwardly impassive.
"Oh, this? Leg cramp. Heh. Old injury just flares up sometimes when I get nervous. Don't worry about me." He sat on top of his desk, rubbing the kink out of his leg.
The usual leg cramps. Always seem to strike at the most convenient times...
"Ha ha, sorry, what was I saying?" Laguna rambled, eyes cast downward. He glanced back up, a small smile upturning the corners of his lips, but seemed unable to speak. He looked toward Ellone for some sort of backup or support. She seemed to read him instantly.
"What Uncle Laguna is trying to say," Ellone began gently, looking at Squall, recovering her for her Uncle, recovering the words he seemed unable to say. "Is that Raine gave birth to a son. His son and that child of his had been sent along with me to the Kramer Orphanage." She stared hard into his eyes. "Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you, Squall?"
What...? Does she really mean... No... No way. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't possible. It wasn't hard to figure out, but this? Is it really true? This bumbling, loopy fool? No, I just... No. How does this even... how can this... Why? Why now?
"You're my father, is that what you wanted to say? That I was the child that was sent to the orphanage along with Ellone? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"
Squall seemed unable to stop himself, but he couldn't help it, and he couldn't ignore the pounding of his heart against his ribcage, almost as if it wanted to burst out of his chest. He maintained his breathing, trying hard to stay as calm as he could on the outside, but inside of him, his thoughts were racing, a storm was forming, and he wasn't sure if he could contain the storm this time. Rinoa glanced wide-eyed in astonishment from Squall to Ellone, to Laguna and then back to Squall, but the SeeD commander ignored it.
"Wha- I mean, well yeah, but Squall. You gotta understand, I had no-," Laguna stammered, trying to gather his bearings.
"So, Sis and I were left for all those years," Squall interrupted. "I was alone in that orphanage, alone for 13 years believing I had no parents..." Squall began, his voice becoming bitter. "I understand you had a duty to Esthar, and I appreciate your sense of responsibility to this city and its people, but didn't Ellone matter to you at all? You had a duty to her and to Raine." Squall could feel a sense of resentment building up inside of him, resentment he never knew he could feel, and he stopped himself before he could say more. He didn't understand why this was or why he felt the way he did. Maybe he was angry at the fact that he really did have a father. Squall had gone his whole life believing his parents to be dead and always thought of them as someone else. He certainly never thought that one them was Laguna.
"Well, I-I mean, of course, Elle mattered to me, and had I known I had a son, you would have mattered too, Squall! At that time, Esthar was more dangerous, and I knew she'd be safer at the orphanage, so I just-,"
"You just what? Left her there? You left her there and you left me there," Squall replied cooly, stormy eyes blazing.
"Squall, that's not fair," Ellone said, sounding angry. "Uncle Laguna had no idea you had even been born. He was just trying to protect me, and had he known about you, I'm sure things would've been a lot different," the girl tried to reason with him, but Squall turned away in disgust.
"We're done here," was all he had to say before turning to stalk out of Laguna's office.
"Squall, please I... what about the monster extermination!" Laguna intervened, running toward his son, his hand reaching outward to him.
"No, we are done here," the Commander of SeeD repeated, putting emphasis on his final two words, and Laguna came to a swift halt. "Rinoa, let's go. We're going to find the others and leave here."
Squall turned sharply on his heel and made to turn toward the office door. He had to get out of there. He couldn't stand being in this room for another minute with Laguna, Ellone any of them. His thoughts slammed into each other, one right after the other, racing with such a ferocity that Squall thought his head might explode. He needed to get somewhere quiet so he could gather his thoughts and understand how all of this was even happening to him and now. Why now?
"Wait a minute, Squall! We already have a signed contract from Garden! The Headmaster, Cid, signed it for us yesterday! You can't just break a contract!" Kiros piped up, walking forward toward where Squall was standing. He placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder, to which Squall threw off. Ward thundered up next to Kiros, waving a hand wildly, eyes piercing into the SeeD Commander's own light blue ones.
I can't... I can't be here right now. I can't deal with this right now. Laguna? Raine? They're my parents... I've had a father for 17, almost 18, years and never knew it. Maybe if, maybe if I just... if... No, I can't. I've got to leave. I've gotta get away. I can't handle this. I don't know what I'm doing.
"Is that so?" Squall responded with all the ice of a winter storm in his tone, but his outward features were emotionless and cold. He inclined his head to look over his shoulder and gave Kiros a solid glare. "Because just this morning Headmaster Cid appointed me the Commander of SeeD as well as Director of Garden Operations. Therefore, I am in charge of where SeeD will go, and what SeeD will do."
Kiros and Ward's eyes equally widened and they took a couple of steps back. Laguna had turned his back to Squall now, not daring to try and interfere with his son's conversation.
"The city is hardly in shambles, and I didn't see that many battles at all on my way here. Looks to me like the Galbadians and Estharians have everything under control. You're no longer in need of our assistance, so I am voiding our contract."
Laguna took a shaky breath, his shoulders slumping, but did not bother to turn around and face them nor did he bother to try and stop Squall, and for a single, brief moment, Squall felt a twinge of guilt, but was gone as quick as it was there. There were just too many jumbled thoughts filling his head that even if he had wanted to stay, sit down and try to talk about this, there was no way in hell he was going to be able to. He wasn't even sure he could form a coherent sentence in regards to all of this, so instead, he grabbed a dumbfounded Rinoa's arm and pulled her toward him.
"Let's go," was all he managed to get out.
An array of emotions was taking over Squall as he strode out of the office, and he wasn't sure how to handle them, much less if he could even control them. He set his jaw, clenching his teeth, and tried to keep his breathing regulated as Rinoa had to nearly run to keep up with Squall's pace.
"Squall? Squall, please! Slow down! Squall, we need to talk about this. We need to work through this, don't you-" but Rinoa was interrupted.
"SQUALL!" Ellone was running now to catch up with them, her green shawl trailing behind her. "Squall, wait! Please! Rinoa is right. We need to talk about this! You don't understand how important this is to Uncle Laguna, to me! How important it would've been to Raine!" Squall's heart leaped when he heard his mother's name mentioned, but he chose to ignore it. The older girl was slightly out of breath as she caught up with Squall and Rinoa. She grabbed the Commander's arm and with surprising strength, whirled him around to face her. "Squall Leonhart, you listen to me right now!"
"There's nothing to talk about, Ellone. What's done is done. Laguna's my father. I know, I get it. Now, will you please let go of me?" Squall did his best to keep a calm demeanor and stoic expression, but with the looks Rinoa kept giving him and the way she seemed to want to say something, he could tell his outer defenses were beginning to very slowly crumble.
"Squall, you have to understand. Uncle Laguna would have never shut you out had he knew that he had a son. It wasn't his choice to send me off to the orphanage. It was the villagers of Winhill. It was their choice, Squall. Uncle Laguna only did what he felt would keep me safe and protected while he handled matters in Esthar. I did my best to keep you safe and so you wouldn't be alone those first four years of your life. Squall, please try to understand," Ellone made attempts to explain, still grasping onto his arm. There was a begging, pleading look in her chocolate brown eyes like a small child trying to get someone to understand what they were trying to say.
Squall jerked his arm out of Ellone's grasp and fixed her with a piercing stare, but his voice betrayed his expression. It was calm and steady, though his insides were quaking with a growing rage. "And you, Sis. What about you? Why didn't you tell me? If you knew back then when we were sent to that orphanage, why didn't you tell me that I had a father? ...why?"
Ellone shook her head, lowering it. "Squall, I was just a child myself. I can't make excuses for the choices I made or what I may or may not have said and done when I was that young, but looking back on it now, maybe I did it because I felt it wasn't my place to tell you. Maybe I felt that soon, you would meet with Uncle Laguna and realize you had a father, so you wouldn't be alone in the world. After I left the orphanage, all I could think about was you. How I never got to say goodbye to you. I worried about you constantly, hoping that you were alright because I knew how alone you must have felt. A huge part of me hoped with everything I had that Uncle Laguna would come and take you away, so you wouldn't be alone anymore." Ellone's eyes began to sparkle with oncoming tears. "Maybe I didn't say anything because this is a family thing. A family thing between a father and his son."
Family thing? But it didn't work, did it, Sis? Laguna never came for me. Nobody ever wanted me. I was always overlooked. Always. I had to learn to live by myself, didn't I?
Squall made an indistinguishable noise at Ellone's words, and his expression changed from stoic to something he wouldn't normally allow one to see, but he had no control over it. He looked hurt, bewildered, maybe even betrayed, and he knew he did. "I thought we were family, Ellone..." was all he could manage to say, his voice dry and tight, no longer able to look at the person he thought was his sister for all these years, in the eye.
"Squall, please! I never meant to hurt you! Not ever. Not once. We are family. We will always be family, but what you could have with Laguna is something entirely different than what you have with me. You have a chance at having a father, Squall! And you know what? Uncle Laguna wants to be there for you! Do you know how happy and thrilled he was when he found out he had a son in the world that was waiting for him? He was so elated and he even cried. I'd never seen him happier than the day he married Raine, but to learn he had a son in the world. Her son. His son. Their son! He kept making a promise to Raine over and over that he would find you, and he would take care of you," Ellone told him earnestly.
"Uncle Laguna wants nothing more than to be your dad! He never knew Squall. Nobody told him Raine had had a son. He had only just found out as soon he and I were reunited again. I was the one who told him he had a son waiting for him! That's why he called you out here! That's why he made up some big excuse about needing SeeD here for a monster extermination because he knew that this was the only way you would come here and listen to him or talk to him!" Ellone's voice trembled with tears, her breath hitching.
Rinoa looked torn as she stood back a ways, glancing back and forth between the two, unable to say anything, unsure of who she should comfort.
Squall lowered his head unable to look at anyone, his eyes burning with rage and contempt, his head pounding with confusion, his heart taken over by emotions he never wanted to exist within him. It was too painful, but why? Why was it so painful? It was too much to take in all in one day. He had to figure this out. There was no way he could figure it out just standing here talking about it. He needed time to think. He needed to get somewhere quiet, so he could be alone and thought longingly of his awaiting dorm room at Balamb Garden that was still docked on Fisherman's Horizon. And suddenly more than anything, he wanted nothing more than to get as far away from Esthar as he possibly could.
"I can't do this. Not here. Not right now. I have to go," was all he could say before he turned and walked away from a now openly weeping Ellone.
Rinoa turned to glance at the older girl, giving her look of sincere apology, and mouthed 'I'm so sorry' before following Squall out of the Presidential Palace. The last thing that could be heard was Ellone's sobbing echoes. Squall remained silent as they took the lift down to the main doorway of the building but didn't shake off Rinoa's hand when it lay gently on his arm and squeezed.
After what seemed like forever, they were finally out of the Presidential Palace, but the squeezing sensation in his chest did not go away, in fact, the pressure just seemed to increase. Conveniently enough, Quistis, Zell, Selphie, and Irvine were all approaching the Palace just as Squall and Rinoa were coming out.
"Squall?" his former instructor addressed him, approaching the couple. She analyzed his face, and her eyebrows drew inward. "Wha-," the blond woman began to say, before Rinoa captured Quistis' attention, shaking her head side to side as if to say 'not now' and she caught on quickly. "So, what did you find out? What are we going to do then? Shall we set to work?"
"We're leaving," Squall replied huskily. "They have no need for us here. Everyone has the city under control, so we're leaving."
Everyone seemed to catch onto Squall's mood, but Selphie. "You mean we're breaking a contract!?" she asked incredulously. "But how is that going to make us look if others want to hire us!? Squall! Didn't you think about that!?" She stamped her tiny foot on the ground, fists clenched at her sides, but Squall just ignored the outburst, and Rinoa buried her face into her palm.
"They have no need for us here. That is all. We're leaving," the young Commander of SeeD responded, sounding completely monotone.
Without uttering another word, the rest of the SeeD members followed their leader into the escort car which drove them back to the outskirts of Esthar, and much later than Squall would have liked, they were finally climbing back into the familiar Balamb Garden vehicles. Zell quickly took the hint that it probably wasn't a good idea to ride along with Squall and Rinoa, so he opted to ride along with Selphie, Irvine and Quistis instead, which in truth, Squall was somewhat relieved. He didn't think he could deal with Zell's questions or loud outbursts at the present time.
The drive back to Fisherman's Horizon was a quiet one. Squall's grip on the steering wheel was much harder this time around, and any turns he made were a lot sharper than usual, causing Rinoa to grip onto the seat so she didn't hit the door or Squall's seat, but the young Commander said nothing. He delved into his thoughts as he drove, trying his best to separate them, but the more he thought, the more upset he became.
Why didn't Sis ever tell me the truth? If only I had known. If she had told me, or if she'd even told Matron or the Headmaster, then they could've looked for my dad. Maybe I wouldn't have spent an entire childhood alone with some false, meaningless existence. Why is all of this about Laguna anyway? Did anybody ever consider how I might feel about this? I guess not... considering I cut myself off from nearly everyone so I don't feel as much pain. Why did I have to miss out on the good things in life? Rinoa... you were right. I did miss out on all the good things. If I hadn't missed out on them, maybe I wouldn't be this way. Why did nobody ever come looking for me? Why did nobody ever want me? Maybe Sis never wanted me either... I don't know. I'm so confused...
Squall fought the urge to just pull the car over, stop and rest his aching head on the steering wheel. How was he ever going to begin to figure any of this out? Wasn't it enough that he already had Garden to deal with on top of this now? Squall could tell Rinoa was watching him, and as much as he loved her, he wasn't ready to talk about this. Not yet, and he wasn't sure if he ever would be, but more than that, Squall feared that if he opened his mouth to utter even a single word about all of this, he just might break, and if he broke, he wasn't sure if he could be fixed this time.