Travel Logs & Unsent Letters

by xxDustNight88

A companion piece to Teardrops & Teacups, this story is a collection of unsent letters and travel logs that Hermione wrote over the course of her four year journey to find inner peace. The letters and logs portray exactly how dark and lost Hermione was feeling during this time, along with moments of happiness and inspiration after having her heart broken.

4. Part IV: 2009

Author's Note: And here we are at the end of yet another story in this series. I remember when I first had the conversation to even write this thing. I know it took longer than I planned but it feels like that is always a part of this process. I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my angsty heart for all of the love I have ever received on this story. I'm so thankful that you went on this journey with Hermione and me. There will be one more part of the Teardrops & Teacups series entitled, Floo Calls & Earnest Regrets. I have no timeline for this, but promise to advertise it as soon as it is ready. In the meantime, enjoy this last chapter and the rest of the Wolves without Teeth series which this fits into (but can be read on its own).

And of course, a huge thank you to satrrnobella who put so much of her own self into this story by way of articles, addendums, and comments that triggered scenes here and ideas for Floo Calls & Earnest Regrets! You're amazing! Thank you so much. Also, a thank you to SquarePeg72 who alpha read and kept me sane when I thought something sounded horrible. Thanks for being so helpful all the time! xxDustNight

Disclaimer: All non-original characters, plot points, and information belongs to J.K. Rowling. The cover photo is a mashup I created from photos found on Google. The story plot and dialogue belong to me. I do not write for profit.

Full Summary: A companion piece to Teardrops & Teacups, this story is a collection of unsent letters and travel logs that Hermione wrote over the course of her four year journey to find inner peace. The letters and logs portray exactly how dark and lost Hermione was feeling during this time, along with moments of happiness and inspiration after having her heart broken.

Trigger Warnings: Adultery, Depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Threesome - F/M/M, Threesome - F/F/M, Near Death, Minor Character Death, Light Dom/sub, Mildly Dubious Consent, Infidelity, Suicidal Thoughts, Dark, Angst, Miscarriage

Playlist: htt*ps:/open*.*spotify** user/1246401*351/playlist/4KbudJyqif4ZrKeu0ao*IsL?si=JINCreb-SDulWdBBNkILmQ

Travel Logs & Unsent Letters
Rating: M
Companion Piece to Teardrops & Teacups
Mini-Fic/Prequel to Wolves without Teeth
Part Four: 2009
Song Recommendations: "You Found Me" by The Fray, "I Remember" by Keyshia Cole, "Please Don't Leave Me" by P!nk, "Gotta Be Somebody" by Nickelback, "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, "Rehab" by Rihanna, "Don't You Worry Child" by Swedish House Mafia and John Martin, and "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus

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"Pour a rainbow from a teapot—

drink of happiness and love

warmth, calmness, and peace

breathe in the curling steam of dreams."
— Terri Guillemets
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Travel Logs & Unsent Letters

Part Four: 2009

4 January 2009: Travel Log #302

London, England

Blaise and I have returned from Paris. I return to work tomorrow and he returns to Solicitor's training on Wednesday. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about returning to work. I love Blaise, but the thought of seeing Draco always does something to me. Maybe, one day, I won't worry about what could have been between the two of us. I don't know if Blaise and I are meant to be, but I find peace with him. For now, that's what I need.

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10 January 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I've spent the entire week frazzled beyond belief. I can't believe that Harry has come to our Department asking for us to work together on this Sympathizer case! He knows that there is friction between us… You have to talk to him-

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14 January 2009: Travel Log #308

London, England

My therapy session did not go as well I as planned. It started out well enough. I told Dr. Leonard that I was feeling happier in my love life and that work was going well. I fibbed a bit about work, not wanting to share the news of having to work with Draco again just yet. Then she just had to ask if I'd moved on from my previous lovers enough in order to fully commit myself to Blaise! I know she was only doing her job but still… She easily made me second guess myself in a matter of seconds. How can I commit myself to Blaise when I still wonder what it would be like to fall asleep in Draco's arms night after night?

Not what I wanted to hear at all. There goes all that so called progress...

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16 January 2009: Travel Log #309

Ministry of Magic, London, England

I summoned enough courage to talk to Harry about working with Draco this morning. It did not go well. Why are things going so horribly for me this week? First, I lost that bet to George which I refuse to talk about, and then my therapist was questioning my commitment to Blaise. Now this? I should have stayed in Paris…

Anyway, he was really apologetic about having me partnered with Draco for the case. He's not wrong in that Draco and I are the best when it comes to capturing Sympathizers. We used to work so very well together before all this madness started. Damn betrothal contracts. I'm going to fix this someday, I swear it. In the end, I told Harry I understood where he was coming from and left it at that. I'll just have to put on a brave face and deal with the heartache I feel when I see him.

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19 January 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I want so desperately to believe that we can work together but I fear our unrequited love is far too much…

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20 January 2009: Travel Log #310
London, England

I can't sleep again. There are too many things running through my mind in order for me to rest. Working with Draco has gone well so far. We are keeping things very professional and not touching on each other's personal lives or feelings at all. It's been difficult as we haven't really spoken since Copenhagen. I don't want to cut my losses and run because I simply don't think Kingsley will allow it to happen. He knows how important this case is and I imagine he will fire me if I disappear once more. Even with asking permission.

Essentially, my hands are tied and not in a good way. I probably sound so repetitive but I am constantly asking myself how I'm going to get through this. I never had to think about this when Ron and I separated. He essentially quit the Ministry to get away from me, but not in a bad way. He just couldn't look me in the eye every day knowing what we lost. I was the same, really. I love Ron to death but seeing him after the loss of our baby was terribly difficult. The separation and space saved our friendship and for that I'm grateful.

I ended things rather succinctly in Copenhagen. It's a miracle that Draco himself hasn't gone to Harry in regards to us working together. Then again, maybe he has but Harry didn't share that with me. Harry may be one of my best friends but he's very professional when it comes to our jobs at the Ministry. I feel so silly sitting here in bed worrying over this while Blaise sleeps peacefully next to me. He's really far too good for the likes of me. I need to put this bloody notebook away and attempt to sleep. As always, I must carry on as if I am fine and not a mess of nerves.

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3 February 2009: Unsent letter to Ron Weasley

Ron,

I was in Flourish and Blotts today and had a sort of weird encounter with Daphne Greengrass-Goyle and Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy. I'm fairly certain I didn't imagine the event, but then again, I haven't been sleeping well while dealing with this case. Anyway, I think that Daphne called me a whore… At first I wasn't sure I heard correctly but then she said it again as I was leaving. Maybe I'm losing my mind or maybe they've found out about some of the things Draco and I have done…

I don't know what to do.

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3 February 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

Have you told Astoria about Copenhagen? If so, that was a mistake of epic proportions. What did you think would happen? Do you feel better having cleared your conscious? Ask her what she and her sister were calling after me in public today. Do you have any idea what you have done!? If this truly gets out, we're ruined. Do you hear me? Ruined.

Hermione

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4 February 2009: Travel Log #317
London, England

I've never been called a whore before. Sure, my lovers have called me some filthy names in bed, but they never called me that. Ron never called me anything naughty. He and I shared a relatively vanilla sex life. Draco was the one who introduced me to the darker side of sex and I've never wanted to look back. But I digress.

I've been sitting in this chair by the fire and going over what it felt like to be called such a name in public. I feel dirty. I feel… I feel regret for having acted in a way that provoked being called that in the first place.

I really should have told Draco to fuck himself when I received his invitation to Copenhagen. Nothing but sorrow and hurt have come from that trip and it continues to follow us around like a dark cloud day after day. I probably should speak to him about this at work but I simply do not know how to bring it up in conversation. We've been so careful about keeping things professional between us.

What a bloody mess. I'll have to continue going through my daily life as if nothing is amiss and that I didn't hear the hurtful name they called me. They want me to go mad. They want me to fall to pieces and run to Draco for help and his defense. This is probably all a ruse to catch us together and ruin my life. Merlin, what do I do?

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17 February 2009: Unsent letter to Theodore Nott

Theo,

It was good to see you today despite the grim situation in which you visited. How did you find out about Copenhagen? You told me that the Greengrass sisters know but I need to know how you discovered that Draco and I had an affair. Was it assumed or is there proof? I can't continue sitting here not knowing. Please, you have to help me.

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17 February 2009: Unsent letter to Theodore Nott

How dare you discuss my private life with Blaise! This doesn't even concern you! I appreciate your warning but stay the fuck out of my life. You made it abundantly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me before so why are you here now? This is my mess to fix. Not bloody yours.

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18 February 2009: Travel Log #320
Ministry of Magic, London, England

If I thought things a right mess before, it's nothing compared to what's happening now. After Theo came to warn me yesterday, Blaise and I briefly discussed what happened last night. He doesn't seem as happy with me as he did before and I honestly can't blame him. He's assured me that he's not upset by the news, simply unsure if we can withstand all of this drama that is unfolding. My heart breaks but not for myself. It breaks for Blaise. He deserves so much more than I can give him. I love him, I do- I don't know what is going to happen. The sooner this case ends, the better. Then, I can set off for another trip to research my project and I can get away from London, Draco, and all that entails. Something is coming… I'm not sure what, but I imagine I won't like it.

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21 February 2009: Travel Log #321
The Leaky Cauldron, Diagon Alley, London, England

As predicted, things have hit the papers. Theo was right. Someone squealed in regards to Copenhagen and it certainly wasn't me. Only a handful of people knew or even assumed what happened. Me. Draco. Blaise. Theo (apparently). And Astoria. Here I am, sitting and having some tea and lunch when I look up at a witch at another table reading Witch Weekly. Of course I had to run off and find a copy of my own so I could read the utter rubbish being written about me yet again...

Gryffindor Princess and her Illustrious Affair!

21 February 2009

Katie Bell

LONDON- It would appear that Draco Malfoy was not so alone in Copenhagen as we were originally led to believe. He was in the company of his former lover and classmate, Hermione Granger.

Our sources inform us that Granger did not need much prodding to agree to meet with a married man alone in his hotel room. That prim and proper façade she had worked so hard to put forward has faded away revealing her true nature. No wonder none of her previous relationships have lasted very long.

We aren't entirely sure what she expected to happen in the end, but it would appear that she went to great lengths to keep the details of the trip under wraps, even from those who were closest to her.

Unfortunately for her, Malfoy was was eager to tell his beloved wife everything that happened in a desperate attempt to save his marriage. We reached out to Astoria for a comment, but she was too distraught by the whole ordeal to share any thoughts on the matter.

Katie Bell sure is making a name for herself over at Witch Weekly. A vindictive writer if I ever saw one. It appears as if she may be the Rita Skeeter of our generation! If this continues, I'll most certainly have to take a leave of absence from work. Kingsley will never like having his Head of the MLE being slandered in this way. If only he knew most of it was true…

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24 February 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I think that it is safe to assume that by now you've seen the magazines and papers… All the seedy rumors about us splashed across the pages. I find that I can't even look you in the eye at work. How can we make it through this without falling apart at the seams? You need to talk to Astoria. Beg her to get her sister to end this madness. I know it has to be them doing this but don't they realize they're hurting you in this too? And what of little Scorpius? What will he think when he is old enough to see what was written about his father. I don't want him to think that you were anything but a good wizard, Draco, because it's true. Despite what we have done, you are a good wizard and I'm sorry I was too weak and came to see you in Copenhagen.

We have to end this. We can't work together and expect people to believe the articles were all lies…

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1 March 2009: Travel Log #324
Witch's Brew, Ministry of Magic, London, England

Can I never eat in peace? I was just sitting here drinking my morning latte and enjoying a scone when some bloody witch from another department comes over and asks me if Theo and Blaise were sexy when they kissed! I nearly spit out my drink at that! When I'd pulled myself together, I asked her what she meant and she handed me her copy of Witch Weekly. Another bloody article. This one about my time spent in Venice with Theo and Blaise. I'm at my wit's end. I can't handle another article in this trashy magazine. Can't they leave me alone and go back to printing about how to match your eye color to your socks or whatever it is they normally print when they're not blathering on about my personal life?!

I need to get up to my office and get to work but I'm pasting the article here so I can fume over it some more on my lunch. Maybe I can pop over and see Ron. He may have some suggestions about what I can do. Oh! And Blaise… He is not going to be happy about this. At all. Theo is supposedly out of the country so perhaps it won't reach his ears...

Hermione Granger beds not one, but two former Slytherins!
At the same time!

1 March 2009

Katie Bell

LONDON - All it takes is one article for the truth to start rolling out about everyone's favorite Gryffindor. Since the release of our article about Hermione Granger's affair with Draco Malfoy, our tip lines have been lighting up with stories. There was one in particular that caught our ears and we couldn't put it down.

Two more former Slytherins, Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini, have opted to share a bed with Hermione Granger, not alone though. The two have opted to share a bed with her at the exact same time. Some may find that a shock; however, it's not the first time that these two playboys have found a mutual connection with a young witch.

Our source informed us that sharing a bed with the same witch at the same time was a favored past time for the two classmates, so it's no surprise that they were able to lure Granger to bed with either of them. Especially since Granger has been linked romantically to both men on separate occasions.

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10 March 2009: Unsent letter to Jean Granger

Mum,

I know that all my life you've taught me not to let what others say bother me but I'm having a really hard time right now. The horrible things the papers are writing about me day after day are really starting to grate on my mind. I'm second guessing everything I've ever done. My therapist has tried to talk with me but then I came home and my mind starts thinking about it all over again. I need you mum. I need…

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19 March 2009: Travel Log #329
London, England

I've taken a few days off of work-sick days not leave-to recuperate after the St. Patrick's day fiasco. I spent a lot of time crying alone in bed. Blaise has taken to sleeping on the couch because he feels so badly about forcing me to attend Seamus and Dean's party. I knew it was a bad idea to go. I tried to convince him but I felt bad because I know he always has a good time. What's done is done and there is no way to travel back in time and change what happened. Besides, he has his final Solicitor's exam next week and doesn't need anymore stress. I've simply stopped talking about it. Instead, I'm pouring my feelings into working on my addendums until I return to work on Monday. I've written two thousand at this point.

I'm hoping that Draco was simply too drunk and will forget it ever happened even though I'll never forget. It's not the first time we've had issues at the St. Patrick's party. At this point, I'm convinced it's cursed. I probably won't attend another. Seamus and Dean will have to understand. I am looking forward to this being lost to the past and moving onward. I have to finish my work on the Pureblood laws and this case then maybe I'll find peace…

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23 March 2009: Unsent letter to Theodore Nott

Theo,

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind talking with Blaise about what happened on St. Patrick's Day. I heard you were back in town and I think he could really use a friend to talk to right now. He and I are having some issues since then and I'm not ready for him to leave my life just yet. I adore him-

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29 March 2009: Travel Log #332
London, England

I'm such an idiot. I told Blaise that he should go and stay the night at his family home so that he wouldn't be distracted as he prepares for his exam in the morning. I've never been the best at relationships but I feel like that wasn't supportive of me at all. I didn't realize what I'd done until he'd left. Now, I am all alone and struggling to fall asleep. I miss him by my side. I hate that there is this distance between us now, and I don't mean because he's not in London at the moment. While he has returned to the bed, we're struggling to find the easygoing romance we had before. What if it never returns?

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1 April 2009: Travel Log #334
The Burrow, Devon, England

I'm currently at the Burrow but I fear I won't be for much longer. Draco sent an owl informing us that there was a Sympathizer raid on one of the old Pureblood family vaults at Gringotts. Harry and I are waiting for more news before we leave and head to Diagon Alley to investigate. It's George's birthday, after all, and if Draco doesn't need backup, then we will remain here and investigate in the morning. Honestly, as stressful as this case has been, I'm ready for it to end. I imagine if the Sympathizers have made a move, that means we'll be able to finally corner them. They're bound to have made a mistake with something so we would be able to track them down for good.

Oh! The floo has just ignited. I have to go…

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17 April 2009: Travel Log #340
London, England

Everything has been so hectic since the other night. It's hard to believe that The Leaky Cauldron is no more, having burnt to the ground. Granted, we were able to capture the Sympathizers before they could escape. Draco has always been rather gifted at rounding them up. It's like he has something to prove even after all this time. Tom, the owner, has decided not to rebuild. Well, he's aiming to retire and I don't blame him. Watching the structure burn to the ground after the raging battle inside was something that I never wanted to witness again.

In fact, I wasn't even supposed to be there that night. I'd gone in to pick up something to eat after work and noticed suspicious activity. Luckily, I was able to send word via my patronus to Draco and Harry. No one was severely injured. My ankle is a bit messed up but I'm far from in pain. My recurring night terrors have returned, though. Blaise, bless him, has been forced to endure me calling out for Draco in my sleep and I have no idea how he truly feels about that. I don't even know how I feel about it. Awful, really…

Nevertheless, there are less Death Eater Sympathizers in the world now and I can prepare for another journey abroad. It may do Blaise and me some good to get away if I can talk him into joining me for a short time. I'm not yet sure where I want to go so I need to do some research and prepare. Besides, I can't really go anywhere until after the Hogwarts Benefit Dinner. It's been quite a while since I've attended and I'm certain my presence will be required. I have plenty of paperwork to finish at work and a few plans made with friends over the next couple of weeks. That should keep my mind busy enough that I don't worry about anything else.

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24 April 2009: Travel Log #344
St. Mungo's,London, England

I thought it might be a good idea to go and see Dr. Leonard. She's been staying abreast of everything in the papers so immediately penciled me in for this afternoon despite it being Friday. She's really great like that. Nevertheless, I'm still feeling that darkness lurking just under the surface and my anxieties itching for something to break. I'm not really sure if talking with her has helped but at least she's aware of this spiral I've suddenly found myself in since the first article broke. One day at a time. I just need to take this one day at a time and everything will be okay.

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26 April 2009: Unsent letter to Blaise Zabini

Blaise,

I don't know where you have gone, but I honestly do not blame you for leaving like you did. What happened at dinner was uncalled for but they're right, in a way. I've done some rather horrible things. I'm not proud of them in any way. Draco and I, we knew better. I knew better and now everything is a mess. I don't want to destroy Astoria and Draco's marriage. I care for you, Blaise. Please, come home.

Hermione

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26 April 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I had no idea I was walking into an ambush last night. I thought it was going to be a simple dinner with the Potters. Ginny never told me she was inviting everyone over. I don't know what she was thinking. Maybe she wasn't. I don't know. I do know that Blaise is gone and I can't find him. He's not here or at his family home. I even checked his office in Diagon Alley. I think I've really screwed this up. Why am I always ruining the things I love the most?

Hermione

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28 April 2009: Unsent letter to Blaise Zabini

Blaise,

Your secretary says that you haven't come into the office this week. Where have you gone? I'm worried about you. I'm worried about us. This isn't how things were supposed to happen between us. You mean so much to me…

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28 April 2009: Unsent letter to Ginny Potter

Ginny,

How could you have done this to me? What did you expect would happen by inviting those horrid witches over? You know what they think of me! It was bound to be nothing but a disaster from the moment it began. I've told you about the way they treated me in Diagon Alley and I know you've read the papers. My heart aches, Gin, and I don't know what to do. I fear that Blaise will never forgive me for the pain I've put him through.

Hermione

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1 May 2009: Travel Log #346
Harry's Office, Ministry of Magic,London, England

I've had a bad feeling since I woke up this morning. If you can even call tossing and turning with nightmares for five hours actually sleeping, that is. Harry saw what a horrible state I was in and pulled me into his office. He's gone down to Witch's Brew to get lunch for the both of us. I'm meant to sit here and wait for his return and "not worry about a thing"... Easier said than done, my friend. I just wish I knew where Blaise has disappeared to since that disastrous dinner. No one has seen or heard from him.

I imagine he may never return and even if he does, I fear the worst. How are we supposed to mend what has obviously been broken between us? I've screwed up again, my past leaking through and tainting the love Blaise bestowed upon me. Some days I wonder if I'm ever meant to find true happiness. Something inside of me must be broken. I'm broken.

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1 May 2009: Unsent letter to Blaise Zabini

Blaise,

I'm writing you one last time, praying that you will come home.

Hermione

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1 May 2009: Travel Log #347
London, England

He's gone. Well, he returned and has left. Blaise and I were not meant to be, apparently. I'm not meant to be with anyone. That's the conclusion I've come to at this point. I need to leave, run far, far away and possibly never return. I don't have anything to return to, anyway. I should have known this would happen. Everything I touch, I break.

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2 May 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

Blaise is gone. I've pushed yet another lover away because of my stupid mistakes. Our stupid mistakes. I'm at a loss and now I have to attend this damned benefit dinner at Hogwarts tonight. Will you be there? You and Astoria? You usually do attend, or so I've heard. I haven't been there in many years… I need to get away again. I can't see your face and not fall apart.

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12 May 2009: Travel Log #348
Gold Bluffs Beach, Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park, California, United States

I haven't set foot in a tent since traveling during the war with Ron and Harry. However, I needed to get away and I wasn't in the mood for anything extravagant. I'll be staying in a fancy hotel in just a few days time when I finally arrive in Madrid. I'm well aware that Madrid is miles and miles away from California, but I needed to be alone with my thoughts for a few days. I miss Blaise and my heart aches. I fear I may have loved him more than I originally thought. Either that or I just got so used to having him around.

Anyway, the forest here is beautiful and so is the beach. I could have stayed directly in the wooded area but it reminded me too much of the war. I opted for the beach. It's bright and airy and there are not too many other campers this time of the year. It's peaceful. I needed this more than I thought. As much as I love London and my friends, there is just something about being so far away. I start to feel claustrophobic with my feelings and all of the people. They mean well…

I'm going to go and take a walk on the beach before making dinner. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better in regards to everything…

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13 May 2009: Unsent letter to Blaise Zabini

Blaise,

I know that you're gone. You haven't been seen or heard from since moving out and I'm so sorry for that. I don't want you to avoid everything and everyone. Then again, maybe you're just keeping your distance so as to not hurt me. I do that enough on my own. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I loved you, Blaise, and I'm so sorry for having loved Draco more. You deserve so much better. I really did you and Theo so horribly wrong. Someday I hope to not be such a horrible person. Someday, maybe, I'll look back at this all and think about how much time I wasted hoping for something that will never be, but until then, I suffer…

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14 May 2009: Unsent letter to Ron Weasley

For Merlin's sake, Ronald! I took a few days to myself before heading to Madrid! I'm a grown witch. I do not need to check in with you or Harry every time I leave the country! Take a chill-potion and leave me be! I'll be in Madrid sometime tomorrow! Now, let me be!

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15 May 2009: Travel Log #351
AC Palacio del Retiro, Madrid, Spain

I've arrived in Madrid safe and sound. It's fabulously beautiful and completely different than the Redwoods. I've made contact with the Spanish Ministry of Magic and intend to meet with the Minister himself! He is going to help me make connections with a few witches and wizards that are willing to talk to me about their betrothal contracts. I am under the impression that the Pureblood laws here are more of guidelines unless otherwise enforced. They just happen to be used to keep the Muggle-borns and Half-bloods at an arm's length in regards to marriage and other legal issues.

I think I will go out for the evening and see some of the sights around my hotel. Ron and Pansy came here recently and she has given me a list of places to eat and visit. I think that after all these years Pansy is finally starting to warm up to me and for that, I am thankful. I'm not after Ron. I love him, but as my most dearest friend. I want nothing more than happiness for him and I think Pansy can be that for him. Maybe someday I'll get to attend their wedding and watch their family grow. It saddens me still to think about what he and I lost, but I don't want him to hold back from happiness because of that.

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19 May 2009: Travel Log #355
AC Palacio del Retiro, Madrid, Spain

I feel as if my meeting with the Minister went well yesterday. He actually was married because of a betrothal contract. Luckily, he and his wife knew of the agreement most of their lives so there was nothing to worry about. They were some of the lucky ones. However, one of his wife's friends was not as lucky. Her name is Salina and she has agreed to speak with me as well. We're set to have tea on the 26th so that I can interview her for my research. I look forward to it. Any bit helps at this point.

I have yet to hear anything from Blaise, though I doubted I would. I wonder if he has gone to visit Theo in Egypt? Maybe he's even returned to Venice… No matter where he has gone, I miss him. He would have loved Madrid. Why am I like this? I need to get out of this hotel room. It's silly to be in such a beautiful place and lounge around in bed during all my freetime. Where have I put that list Pansy gave me?

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23 May 2009: Travel Log #359
Vinos de Madrid, Madrid, Spain

Pansy is a beautiful and brilliant witch. This place has the very best wine and I can't believe how much I have managed to drink by myself today. The vineyards were amazing and they showed us how the wine is made and let us sample oh so many different varieties. I may have purchased a few bottles to take back with me to the hotel. Some for me and others for my friends back home. I also had a bottle shipped to my mum and dad. I know they'll appreciate it. Their anniversary is coming up…

Currently, I'm waiting on a cab. I've had far too much to drink to even consider apparating or taking the floo. I don't even know if their floo is connected to the hotel. Actually, I doubt the hotel even has a floo connection. I didn't bother to check. The tour guide is being ever so polite and has offered me a glass of water. That's so kind. I can't wait to return to my room and relax. I may even open another bottle…

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23 May 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I should never have let you into my life. It was the worst decision to forgive you for all the horrible things you've done to me when we were children. My heart wouldn't ache as it does if it wasn't for you. Why did you have to apologize? Why did you have to be the one to find me in the loo that day? Why are you so fucking beautiful? I would still kiss your lips and run my fingers through your stupid blond hair. I'd let you take me to bed and make me yours over and over, and over again. It's so unfair, all the things we are missing out on because you are bound to that wretched witch instead of me. Leave her. Run away with me. I still love you…

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23 May 2009: Unsent letter to Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini

My most excellent Slytherin lovers,

I am ever so sorry for the wrong I have done to you. I miss the way you would take care of me. You truly loved me, didn't you? I should have been more careful with your hearts. The feel of your hands and lips on my skin still haunts my dreams. I ache remembering the times when you both had your filthy way with my eager body. It feels like another life, our time in Venice. Being in Madrid reminds me of you two. You will forever be in my heart…

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23 May 2009: Unsent letter to Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy

Astoria,

I may be a whore but you and your sister are nothing but gold digging wenches. What would you do if not for your pureblood husbands? You would still be living at home with mummy and daddy. Oh wait. Daddy is locked away in the Vaults that Draco and I established at Azkaban. I bet mummy sits at home pining after her lost husband.

You may have given Draco a son but I have his heart and when I've finished with this research I'm going to come and take him away from you. You're sitting on borrowed time. Get ready.

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23 May 2009: Unsent letter to Pansy Parkinson

Pansy,

You are a saint. That winery you suggested was marvelous. I am bringing you home a bottle of that special red that you said was your favorite. You deserve all the hugs for this trip. I wish you were here with me to enjoy this. I know that you and I have never been the best of friends, but I want you to know that I adore you. You are so perfect for Ron. You balance him out. He needs you. Much more than he ever needed me. I'm not good for him. I'm not good for anyone. I have far too many issues. There will never be someone for my heart to belong to. You, though, you have Ron and I want you to have him. Love him like I could not. Give him children and make him the happiest wizard alive…

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23 May 2009: Unsent letter to Ron Weasley

Ronald,

If you don't marry Pansy, I am going to kick your arse. That witch is brilliant and beautiful and she loves you more than you probably know. She puts up with you coming to save me time and time again. Ask her to marry you. If you don't, I will. I fucking love that witch.

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23 May 2009: Unsent letter to Harry Potter

Harry,

You and I, we're good, right? I feel like you're hardly ever there. I feel like we're not as close as we once were. I adore you, Harry. Never change. I love you. You're amazing.

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23 May 2009: Unsent letter to Ginny Potter

Gin,

I forgive you for that dinner. I love you. Let's have lunch when I get home from Madrid. I'm sure you didn't mean to ruin my life.

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5 June 2009: Travel Log #363
AC Palacio del Retiro, Madrid, Spain

It's Draco's birthday. It's hard to believe it's almost been a year since Copenhagen. What a disaster that turned out to be. After my drunken weekend a couple weeks ago, I've tried not to drink so much. It's helped to keep me from nearly sending letters that definitely have no reason to ever see the light of day. I don't know why I keep them, tucked away in my travel log journal, but I do. I imagine some day I will read them again and see just how nonsensical I have been.

I've been working feverishly on my addendums since meeting with Lorena. She's sent me a few letters with additional information for me, as well. She's very sweet and had her life stolen from her. She is lucky to have four beautiful children though. She showed me their photos. The girls look like her and the boy I assume resembles his father. I haven't seen Scorpius in quite some time but he looks like Draco. It must be a Pureblood thing, resembling your father. Who knows? Maybe it's magic. Perhaps that is what happens when Purebloods bear children.

I think I need to sleep. Harry and Ron want to come and visit me. I haven't written back yet but I will need to. I'll do that in the morning. I miss them so what is the harm? And Ron is right; Harry should finally know what I've been working on all these years. He's my friend too and I feel like I've cut him out. In all honesty, I'm afraid of what he will say. I don't want him to tell me I'm wrong.

I feel like a hypocrite.

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16 June 2009: Travel Log #367
AC Palacio del Retiro, Madrid, Spain

Harry and Ron have only been gone for a couple days but their absence weighs heavy on my mind. Sometimes I don't realize how alone I feel until I'm not, and than I am again. If that make sense. We had a lot of fun and I finally filled Harry in on my research. He was blown away by my extensive research, as was Ron who had previously not seen my work. I understand their worry, but I need to finish this project. If I don't, I will forever wonder if I could have made a difference in our world.

Harry hinted that I should come home but I have a few more interviews to take care of before that can happen. I also want to make sure to finish the list Pansy gave me. It would feel like a waste if I didn't see the city as she wanted me to. Plus, I have yet to find a teacup to bring home for my collection. I've seen a few that are rather pretty but none that scream at me as my others have done. It will happen. It always does. I just have to keep an eye out!

Look out Madrid, here comes Hermione Granger!

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8 July 2009: Travel Log #375
Condumios Taberna, Madrid, Spain

Oh. What an interesting turn my life has taken. I have always been the type of girl to be in a stable relationship with someone before jumping into bed. Like Ron. Lovely, safe, Ron. He and I dated for nearly two years before deciding to have sex. We were both virgins and it was simple and beautiful. I can't imagine my first time being with anyone else. Draco, well. That's another story. We slept together on our very first date! Broke a vase and nearly destroyed my sofa. He and I had passion from the beginning but we knew we were in it for the long haul. Well, until the betrothal. Then there was Theo, Theo/Blaise, and Blaise. I slept with them with the intention of staying with them. Sex with them was part of the package. I enjoyed it even though my heart ached for Draco and the excitement he gave me.

So despite all that… I am trying to figure out what possessed me to go out to the pub last night, flirt with a random bloke, then take him back to my room and HAVE SEX WITH HIM!? Oh dear sweet Merlin… I have no idea where my head is at. A one night stand? That certainly doesn't sound like something Hermione Granger would do! He wasn't even a wizard… I mean, that doesn't really matter, but still.

I want to blame the copious amount of wine I had at dinner combined with the shots but I know the real reason I did it. He looked like Draco and I'm lonely. I should really pack up my things and head home to London but I have a few meetings left to attend before that can happen. These people went out of their way to set aside time for me. I can't blow it off just because I suddenly felt the need to throw my morals out the door. Do I even have morals anymore? Who knows.

I mean, aside from being perfectly boring, the man was very nice. He bought me a few shots and told me about how he was visiting from the States. He was a gentleman in every way possible. It was me who probably took advantage of the situation. Also, I wasn't very nice when I kicked him out of bed this morning. I probably could have been a bit more hospitable. Then again, I'm not sure what is socially acceptable when it comes to one night stands.

Oh this is a right mess. I need a Bloody Mary.

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17 July 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

I don't know what I've been thinking…finding men at random pubs that resemble you. At first I didn't realize what was happening, but the more it occured, the more I realized what I was really doing. None of them are you. None of them will ever be you. What have you done to me? It's like I can't get you out of my mind…out of my body…out of my soul. It's like we're connected more deeply than I ever imagined. I don't know how I'll ever be free of you—of this intense love I feel for you. I think I need to come home. Madrid is starting to fester, and it's such a beautiful place, I don't want it tarnished with my memories of you.

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26 July 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I have been home for a few days now and have yet to return to work. I've owled Kingsley and promised to come in tomorrow but I'm afraid to see your face. I slept with a handful of men who all slightly resemble you and none of them even touched on what you and I had. I don't know what to do.

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28 July 2009: Unsent letter to Ron Weasley

Ron,

Work is so awkward. I can see why you left the Ministry after we separated. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Maybe I'll just disappear far, far away…

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1 August 2009: Travel Log #381
London, England

I have absolutely no idea what Draco could even possibly want to ask of me. There is no way that after all of my fantasizing that he could actually want to run away with me. That would be unbelievable. Even if it does turn out to be that, I'm not sure I would be able to do so. More than likely he's going to ask me to leave the MLE so that he can become the Head of Department. It's not like I'm there anyway.

I'll meet him Monday if only to placate my curiosity. I will not agree to whatever he says without thinking it through. Neither of us are very stable apparently. I fear the worst, but I hope for the best. Maybe it won't be so bad? I already know that he loves me. That is enough for now…

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3 August 2009: Unsent letter to Ron Weasley

Ronald,

You are never going to believe what Draco has asked of me. In fact, I can barely believe it myself. I'm sitting in my office, trembling. He wishes for me to join him and Astoria so that I can teach her how to be a proper sub. Oh, I'm not sure you are aware what that is. It's something you and I never tried while together. Don't worry. It's safe. I'd be perfectly safe with Draco. He always made sure of that.

I told him I would do it, Ron. I agreed if only because it's the only way he and I can be together. That is what he told me. It sounds so stupid now seeing it written here before me. It's too late though. I've already promised to join him and Astoria. Oh what madness! Tell me not to go. Tell me I am stronger than this. Tell me I do not need Draco bloody Malfoy in my life!

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10 August 2009: Unsent letter to Jean Granger

Mum,

I fear I am about to make a grave mistake and I need your motherly advice. I am not even sure where to begin. I have fallen so far from where I used to be mentally. Even regular visits to my therapist have not helped me as of late. I cannot speak to her of what is about to come for fear that she may prescribe me to be admitted to St. Mungo's. You see? This is what I am talking about. What do I do? What can I do to break free of this hold Draco still has over me? There is something seriously wrong with me, mum. Why must you be so far away? I need you here. I am losing.

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13 August 2009: Unsent letter to Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy

Astoria,

I write to you today in the hopes that you will forgive me. I have agreed to meet with you under disguise so that I may sleep with your husband. It is true that he has asked this of me without your knowledge. However, I feel much remorse for even agreeing in the first place. I should have known better. Now, I am afraid to tell Draco that I am backing out. You must talk to him. I don't want to further meddle in your marriage. I just want him to be happy, and I suppose you as well. You don't deserve to be deceived. I am sorry.

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15 August 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I cannot go through with this. Your wife will know it is me behind the mask. She doesn't deserve this! I don't deserve this… If you are to be mine, I want all of you. I do not want to share you with someone else. I love you but I cannot love you like this…..

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16 August 2009: Travel Log #383
London, England

Ron has just left. Last night…

Last night was a disaster. What was I thinking? I knew all along it was a bad idea and now everything is even worse than it was before. Astoria knows now just how depraved I am. And Draco? He said that it was over. I don't blame him. We fucked up. We ARE fucked up.

I promised Ron I would end every single thing between Draco and me. I mean, there is nothing left at this point. How can there be? His plan to include me in his and Astoria's sex life has failed. Merlin, that sounds horrible. I am a fool.

So many tears have been shed over the years, but none so much as today. I am going to run. I am going to leave and not return. Everything I touch here turns to ruin. I am done. There is nothing and no one left here for me.

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18 August 2009: Travel Log #384
Shangri-La Hotel, Tokyo, Japan

I left London as soon as I felt I was able to do so without further harming myself. I've never had the chance to travel to Japan so I hopped on a Muggle aeroplane and found myself in Tokyo. I am going to take a few days just to rest before actually venturing out into the city. I'll eventually find the Wizarding sector and register myself as being a visitor in here. Until then, I plan to sleep and maybe attempt revising my addendums.

I know Ron is going to be a wreck when he realizes what I've done but I couldn't stay there a moment longer. I haven't even sent an owl to Kingsley yet. I'm sure Draco won't be surprised by my absence. Actually, at this point, no one will. Honestly, I don't think anyone would even care if I never came home at all. After some time, the letters would stop and then I would truly be alone in the world. I could start over. Make a new name for myself.

Or, I could just be done with everything entirely.

I don't think I would mind that so much. The darkness would be peaceful.

And silent.

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20 August 2009: Unsent letter to Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy

I am so sorry for what I have done.

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21 August 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I don't think I will be able to come back from this. My heart, my entire soul is broken and I can't get out of bed. Remember the darkness I told you about when we dated? Well, it's never left. It's always been a part of me and now it's taking over. I want it to end. This pain that I feel day after day! I can't do this… It hurts too much, Draco. I need to make it stop.

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23 August 2009: Travel Log #385
Kumano Shrine, Shinjuku, Tokyo, Japan

So I managed to get out of bed today for the first time since I arrived here in Japan. I think the hotel staff was starting to worry about me actually. I found the Wizarding sector and met a few witches that recognized me from the papers. Apparently, news of the Wizarding War travelled here. Who would have known? They were very pleasant and upon seeing how distraught I was, suggested I visit this the Kumano Shrine.

They were right in having me come here. I have found some peace. At least for the moment. I meditated and took in the sights. Although, I am feeling rather weak and tired. I probably need to find some place to eat and then head back to the hotel. I've not been sleeping well. Nightmares. I'm not surprised. The chaos that happened with Astoria and Draco was more than enough to trigger my PTSD. I only hope that I can get a handle on it before it's too late.

I'm sure I need to return to London and visit with Dr. Leonard but I have no desire to go back there just yet. In fact, I'm still contemplating whether or not to go back at all. Some days I wonder if I'm just not meant to be here anymore. If only there was a way to leave this world and never return. I don't belong here. My heart aches. I ache. I want the pain to stop.

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26 August 2009: Travel Log #386
Niimi Teacup Balconies, Kappabashi, Tokyo, Japan

So when I rushed off to Japan, never did I expect to stumble upon something so grand and unique. I was wandering the streets this morning looking for a teacup or two to add to my collection when I ran into the local witches from a few days ago. They saw me looking at the teacups and asked what I was up to. Of course I explained my teacup obsession, leaving out some of the more sordid details as to why I collect them. Even I have yet to admit to myself why I have so many…

Anyways, they urged me to come with them on an adventure so we hit the street running. Or the train, as it were. So off we rush and we arrive in Kappabashi where there is a building with a giant chef's head! But that isn't what is so amazing… No, what is amazing is the building across the way that has balconies that look like teacups! Teacup balconies! They are fabulous and adorable and I wish I could live in them! I thanked the local witches for bringing me here with tears in my eyes.

They then helped me find a replica teacup to bring home for my collection. They're so sweet that I asked them to stay in touch. If ever they come to London, I have promised to show them the sights. Sometimes you stumble upon people who are kind and generous without any prompting. I am going to go and get a few more photos of the teacup balconies before heading back to the hotel for the evening.

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30 August 2009: Unsent letter to Ron Weasley

Ron,

Please, just leave me alone. I've been avoiding your letters. I don't want to come home. I don't care what I promised. I can't believe you told Harry about that night. That wasn't your story to tell! How can I ever show my face in London again!? Don't come for me.

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1 September 2009: Unsent letter to Harry Potter

Harry,

I miss all of you too but I can't get out of bed. I am literally falling to pieces before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do, Harry! I am so weak that even if I wanted, I couldn't return to work. The thought of fighting off Sympathizers alongside Draco makes me physically ill. Don't you understand that I can't do this anymore?

Hermione

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9 September 2009: Unsent letter to Harry Potter

Harry,

My heart is broken over that letter from James. I love him so much that it hurts not to reply. I know you were only trying to help… What am I to do? The darkness is winning.

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10 September 2009: Unsent letter to Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy

Astoria,

Go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

Hermione J. Granger

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10 September 2009: Unsent letter to Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy

Astoria,

I am so sorry that your sister has been kidnapped. However, I don't see what I am supposed to do about it. She was nothing but cruel to me or have you forgotten? In fact, I can't believe Pansy was even able to convince you to contact me at all. She really is a saint. I must remind Ron to marry that witch.

I will consider your words carefully, if only for the sake of Daphne and Greg's children. No one should have to lose children. Ever. If I do return, it is not because you asked me but rather because it was the right thing to do.

Hermione

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12 September 2009: Travel Log #387
Shangri-La Hotel, Tokyo, Japan

I've done a lot of thinking since receiving Astoria's letter. It took a lot for her to send that to me and I should really consider returning to London. If an entire family has been kidnapped by the Sympathizers… This is not good. I couldn't imagine if it was my family that was taken. I've been working diligently on my addendums. I'm so close to the end now… I hope that I am making some sense but I fear that my words mean nothing….

Addendum Draft #3,015

12 September 2009

Pureblood Marriage Law - 1.7.14: Family Involvement in Betrothal Contracts

15/8/2006: That stupid, stupid spell. Families that use that spell on their daughters should be subject to the Unforgivable Curses. No one knows what they want to do or who they want to spend the rest of their life with before the age of twenty one, let alone before the age of eighteen. Hell, I'm pretty sure no one knows even after they get married sometimes.

20/10/2007: Who in their right mind knows what they want at any age? Obviously no one or else I wouldn't be in the middle of an affair right now with my ex lover. There has to be something going on with Draco's marriage and that damn spell is forcing him to stay with someone he doesn't even love. If he could come home with me...at least he would know he was with someone who loved him more than anything… But what about Theo...and Blaise…

30/07/2008: Betrothal contracts may be decided between families of all Wizarding classes. No more shall it be a right strictly reserved for those of pure blood. However, if the person(s) named in the contract find true love outside of the contract, the contract shall become null and void.

30/07/2008: Only person(s) stated in the betrothal contract shall be able to call for clauses regarding infidelity and children. This should not be something decided upon by the families. Times have changed since marriage laws came into existence. No one can be expected to remain in a loveless marriage when love can be seen on the other side of the street.

If someone is going to sign a contract, they damn well should have some kind of involvement in the creation of the contract. Who signs something that they don't know what it states? I wonder if Draco and Astoria even took the time to read what their parents agreed on.

Parents only think they know what's best for their children. They never bother to ask them what they want. They only assume that the life they have set forth for their child is what should happen. That's not fair to anyone.

No one thought about how this would affect the rest of the world in the long run. No one is happy and no one really cares apparently.

Maybe Katie Bell was right and I just make it too easy to break my heart. Or the hearts of others… Am I making a mistake by doing all of this?

Pureblood Marriage Law - 1.7.20: Personal Commitments in Betrothal Contract

10/6/2007: All this states is that the pureblood male supplies his family line with a pureblood heir. Who the hell wants everyone in their family to have pure blood anyways? Variety is the spice of life. Besides, I bet there is some mixed blood in the Greengrass family line somewhere…

20/10/2007: He risked EVERYTHING so that he could be with me…. Maybe the potions and spells don't work after an heir has been given…

20/10/2007: Maybe Astoria is realizing that she cares for someone else and she is looking to leave him... She's done her Pureblood duties after all… Maybe he can be mine after all…

30/07/2008: What if someone doesn't want to have children in an arranged marriage? Did anyone ever think of that? I need to look into what would happen then. There has to be a case of something along those lines happening somewhere in history.

30/07/2008: No child should have to be raised in a home where the marriage is loveless. That's not fair to the child. What if they begin to think that they are the reason that Mommy and Daddy aren't always so nice to each other? How do you explain to them that it's because people they may not even know decided how their lives should be lived? That's something a parent should never have to do. Definitely something to keep in mind…

Why am I even doing this? It's not like Draco even cares what happens to either of us in the end. He's been given an heir, so his family should be happy. But what's going to happen to Scorpius as he grows up. There's obviously problems in that family. Astoria's barely speaking to Draco anymore. Hell he ran away and he invited me along with him. Maybe he doesn't care about anyone but himself.

I have to keep fighting for all of the other couples who have been ripped apart by these stupid laws. If I don't, then they will never be able to be truly happy. Just because I probably won't get my happy ending with Draco, doesn't mean that other people shouldn't be able to get theirs. Some families deserve better than what these laws allow.

Pureblood Marriage Law - 1.9.1: Rights of the Parties Involved

10/8/2006: I can't even believe there is an infidelity clause and rules for infidelity in these stupid things. What does it matter who is sleeping with who if the marriage they are parading around looks happy?

20/10/2007:When Draco and I slept together, he should have dropped dead because of the infidelity clause. Maybe Lucius messed up and didn't include one… Or maybe if it's with someone who loves them more than the other name on the contract, it doesn't hold any power…

20/10/2007:He also should have been forced out of his home because of that potion… Maybe he never drank it… There might be hope for us yet.

30/07/2008: Only the individuals named in the Betrothal Contract will be given the chance to state the expectations and clauses that will be incorporated in the contract. No longer shall the parents and extended families determine the choices that each individual make from the contract and clauses.

Everyone deserves a chance to be happy. It's a simple human right. There shouldn't be a piece of paper that takes all of that away. How is that fair to anyone?

Once these stupid laws are gone and the contracts are banned for good, no one will have to deal with this suffering. No one will start to spiral because they can't be with the person that they love. No one will be alone...

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18 September 2009: Unsent letter to Jean and David Granger

Mum and Dad,

I'm in a bad place right now. Not physically, but mentally. I'm not sure I am going to make it. I want you to know that I love you both very much. I'm sorry… I'm so scared…

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22 September 2009: Travel Log #388
St. Mungo's, London, England

Harry brought James to see me today. It was good to see both my friend and godson. It was refreshing after being away from everyone for so long. Not that I haven't gone away before, but this time was the worst. I've fallen so far and I have no idea how to get back up again. The healers insist that I have depression and I can't argue with them. I think, deep down, I have known all along. Dr. Leonard had to have known too. I wonder why she never let on. I've met with her as well and we plan on meeting more often now.

I just want to go home. I just want to be in my own bed, away from the beeping of machines and the antiseptic smell that plagues me here in the hospital. I want things to go back to normal. I want to be normal. Is that so much to ask? How do I fix myself? I think I need to step back from this journal for a while. I think I need to stop pouring my emotions out onto the page and instead talk about them aloud. Ron and Harry want to be there for me more, and so does Ginny.

Maybe if I immerse myself in their love and attention, I won't feel so empty and lost. It's worth a try. I still intend on finishing my work and research, but I can't do so alone. I have to surround myself with good vibes or I will fall to pieces. Besides, I don't have time for this right now. I have to help solve the Sympathizer case. Things are really bad. There's still no word on the whereabouts of the Goyle family. It's against Dr. Leonard's wishes, but I have to help find them. After this, though, I hope to never have to engage in any more missions.

I'm done.

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27 September 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I'm sure you've heard by now that I am back in London and out of the hospital. I'm going to come back to work and help you with this case. I'm terrified that we won't find them. I'm terrified of seeing your face after what we did. There must be something so very wrong with me that I even agreed to sleep with you and Astoria. It's so fucking messed up. I love you but this… This needs to end. I thought it was over when I left Copenhagen but I was wrong. It may never be over but we need to at least try. I'm never going to survive this.

Hermione

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28 September 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

Seeing you today was… It was heart wrenching. The way you look at me… I saw the pity in your eyes. The want. I don't know what to say to you when we're together. It was a relief having Harry and the other Aurors around so that we never truly were alone. I love you. So very much. Unfortunately, I know where we stand. That was made clear time and time again. I wish it was different but there's nothing to be done about it. We're going to find Goyle and his family. And when that is over, where are we? I think it's time I leave the MLE. I can continue my work elsewhere, but I can't see your face every day and know you are not mine.

Hermione

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1 October 2009: Travel Log #389
St. Mungo's, London, England

I know I said I was giving up writing my travel logs but last night was… A nightmare. I thought Draco was dead. I thought we were all dead. We found the Sympathizers and chased them back to the Greengrass Estate. It was like the Battle of Hogwarts all over again. Minus the forest creatures. Spells exploding all around and taking as many lives as they saved. I was with Harry and Draco when it went to hell. Draco tried infiltrating from the back by himself when the entire place exploded. I thought he was gone. My heart…

In the end, it was Daphne who lost her life. She'd been closest to the explosion when it went off in the dungeons. Gregory and their two children managed to escape somewhat unharmed. I don't know how to feel about the loss of Astoria's sister. She instigated so much of the drama with the papers in an effort to slander my name. I feel for the daughters. I am sure they are going to suffer the most from this disaster. Greg, too, for he actually did love Daphne despite how wretched she could be.

I hate the hospital but I'm here getting checked out after everything that's happened. I've managed to get a concussion and Harry has messed up his leg again. Draco is still unconscious, but at least he is alive. I really thought he was gone last night. Harry had to send me away against my will. I am angry about that but I understand why he did it. I was a mess. I would have run right into that burning mansion to try and save him myself. The paper would have read a lot differently had that been the case.

It is going to take some time for the Wizarding community to heal after this ordeal. I think that the Sympathizers have been taken care of though. At least, for the time being. There's no way that many more are out there somewhere. We captured their leader and the ones that didn't perish in the battle have been taken to the Vaults at Azkaban. The community is safe. Now what to do about my heart and my job…

Daphne Greengrass-Goyle killed in Sympathizer Explosion at Family Estate
Details and funeral arrangements forthcoming

1 October 2009

Demelza Robins

LONDON - Death was not kind to those living in the Goyle Estate earlier this evening when an explosion destroyed the home taking the life of Daphne Greengrass-Goyle. It has been reported that the Sympathizers were holding the family hostage inside the home. Greengrass's body was found in the dungeons by Aurors when the dust finally settled.

Greengrass was survived by her husband and two daughters. Goyle has not come forward with a statement regarding the loss of his wife. However, his sister-in-law, Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy, has expressed sentiments on the whole ordeal.

"The entire family is heartbroken, but we are learning to cope with the loss in the only ways that we know possible. Life without my beloved sister will never be the same, but I will not let my nieces grow up without knowing the wonderful woman that their mother was."

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5 October 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I thought that you were dead that night… I was terrified of never seeing your face again. Even though you and I are not together, I don't know what I would do without you in my life in some way. The thought of this world without you is heartbreaking. I know you are not mine and you can never be mine, but I want you to know that I do still love you. You're like the other half to my soul…

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8 October 2009: Unsent letter to Jean and David Granger

Mum and Dad,

I know it's been a little while since I last wrote. I'm sorry for that. Things have been rather difficult here. It's taken care of now and I am getting better. Ginny has decided she's going to retire from playing Quidditch so she can write for the Prophet. I envy her. She'll be able to work from home most days, taking care of her beautiful children. I'm still stuck working at the MLE. That sounds horrible. I love my job. I love making a difference. I just hate working so closely to Draco. I still can't get over it… I feel so weak admitting that. This is not who you raised me to be.

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14 October 2009: Unsent letter to Pansy Parkinson

Pansy,

Do you realize how much of a saint you are? Having Ron back at the flat has truly helped me mentally. Having someone there when the nightmares take hold makes it easier to come back from the brink of darkness. I don't know how I will ever thank you for pushing him to come back to the flat. Someday, I will find a way to repay you. I promise. And, I am going to try and get Ron to ask you to marry him. He really likes to drag things out.

Hermione

PS: You don't have to be worried about stopping by. I don't hate you and I hope that you don't hate me either…

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29 October 2009: Travel Log #391
London, England

Things have been improving, I suppose. Having Ron back at the flat certainly helps with the loneliness. I thought it was going to be awkward having him there again but it's been anything but. He does hover quite a bit, especially when I am working on my addendums, but other than that he's ever so helpful. He cooks and cleans. He makes sure I remember to feed the cat and take my depression potions. He wakes me when I'm stuck in a night terror.

A part of me wishes I wasn't like this. I hate being a burden on my friends all of the time. He doesn't deserve this. He should be with Pansy at her townhouse and not babysitting my sorry arse. I know he means well. All my friends do. Why am I like this?!

I want to be normal. I hate being depressed and needy! I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like I am not meant to be a part of this world any longer. No… I'm not wishing for death. Not today, anyway. Today has been decent. I haven't even really thought about him… Until now. Damn it. I want to go far, far away to a place where no one knows who I am or what I have done. Once I am done with eradicating all the Pureblood laws I am looking to get as far away from here as possible.

Speaking of which, I think I've finally managed to turn my immense research into something cohesive. Slowly, I've been weeding out all of my comments and twisting things into what Kingsley needs to see in order to approve it. If I can keep myself together, I imagine it will only be a few more weeks before I submit this thing for approval. I don't know whether to feel relief or more anxiety over this fact. I'm terrified he will deny my request. I'm terrified that he will approve it.

What then?

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14 November 2009: Travel Log #392
Ministry of Magic, London, England

I think I am finally done. I think that there is nothing left to do with this project of mine. My final addendum has been written. Now I have to find the courage to submit the damned proposal to Kingsley...

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17 November 2009: Unsent letter to Ron Weasley

Ron,

My first instinct was to write to Draco but somehow I resisted. I am trying to keep my promise to you, I swear. I did it. I submitted my proposal to Kingsley and now I feel…

I don't know how I feel. Empty. Relieved. Scared. Hopeful. I don't know. A mix of everything I suppose. Now I shall sit and wait patiently to hear back from him to either approve or deny it.

I don't know what I will do if he denies the proposal, Ron. I think I may go insane. I put so much of myself into this project that it's a part of me now.

Hermione

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17 November 2009: Travel Log #393
London, England

I was not expecting Draco to seek me out this evening. I…

He was scared that I was resigning from my position and leaving the Ministry. And when I reassured him that I was not, in fact, leaving, he asked if we could go back to how we were before. Oh how my heart broke upon hearing that.

I had to explain to him that we couldn't. I went on and on about how deep our love went but that, in the end, we were clearly not meant to be. It was hard on both of us. Him more than me surprisingly. I am feeling at peace after the conversation, which is unexpected.

I'm meant to be having dinner with Ron and Harry tonight but I'm running late. I'm not sure I am in the right mindset to be in the company of others. I feel like I want to just cuddle up in bed with a cup of tea and a good book. I don't have my research to worry about right now…

Well, it seems as if I don't have a choice in the matter. Ron has come in and insisted that I go. He's right. I shouldn't sit here with my thoughts lest I find myself at Malfoy Manor…

It wouldn't be the first time.

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20 November 2009: Unsent letter to Ron Weasley

He approved it! Kingsley approved my proposal! Now I can set Draco free!

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20 November 2009: Unsent letter to Jean and David Granger

Mum and Dad,

After all these years of torment, I'm finally nearing the end of this journey. I'm going to eradicate these bloody laws and set Draco free. You'll see. Everything will be fine.

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30 November 2009: Unsent letter to Harry Potter

Harry,

I am so nervous about tomorrow morning. I can't eat or sleep. I'm so thankful you will be there but I'm terrified. What if I get in front of the Wizengamot and can't speak? What if they laugh at me? What if Draco stands up from his seat and walks out in embarrassment? I don't know if I am ready for this! I am going to try and rest but I fear that is definitely not going to happen tonight…

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30 November 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

I beg of you, please do not go to the hearing tomorrow. I don't know if I can do this while staring into your eyes. I'm doing this for you, for us, for everyone else out there who has had to deal with this torment…

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1 December 2009: Travel Log #394
London, England

Today has been a whirlwind of epic proportions. I won! My petition to the Wizengamot to eradicate each and every Pureblood law has been approved! I am speechless! After seeing that nearly the entire Wizengamot approved, I fainted! Right there in the middle of the courtroom. How embarrassing but at least it is done now. And despite everything, apparently Draco came to my aid when I passed out. He broke his ankle and had to visit St. Mungo's as well. I was released with strict guidelines to get rest and not push myself.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm in bed at the flat while Ron, Harry, and Ginny prepare a feast at the Burrow to celebrate. I just want to sleep but I also am looking forward to the celebration. I need it after all of this. I told everyone I am going to be fine, and I am, but it was a little difficult to realize that even though I have done all of this, Draco will probably remain with Astoria. The worst part? Part of me knew this all along.

I love Draco so much that it aches, but this is how it must be. He has his family and I have… My work. I have my work. I'm taking one last holiday, this time just for me. I already have it planned. I haven't told my parents yet, but I know they will understand that I need to be alone. When I return, I'll be a new person. Maybe I'll even be the person the papers are raving about. Already there have been so many reporters sending owls wanting interviews. I think I'll leave the propaganda to Ginny. As excited as I am about ridding our world of these laws, I'm ready to fade into the background.

War Heroine, Hermione Granger, makes history!
Blood Purity Laws have been Eradicated!

1 December 2009

Ginny Potter

LONDON - History has been made today in the wizarding world! This day will go down in history alongside Voldemort's defeat as a day of infamy. War Heroine, Hermione Granger, made great strides in moving the world forward. No longer will pureblood witches and wizards be forced to follow laws that are outdated and irrelevant for today's day and age.

Over the past four years, Granger has been working tirelessly doing research, travelling world, and conducting interviews in order to eradicate the Blood Purity laws that have governed the way of life for many years. Thousands of witches and wizards have been affected by these laws, and today they are able to celebrate their freedom from these laws.

The blood, sweat, and tears have gone hand-in-hand with the sleepless nights that it has taken for Granger's proposal to come together. Granger has put so much of herself into this project and for that, the world is grateful. We all now hope that she will take some time for herself and get some rest.

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19 December 2009: Unsent letter to Draco Malfoy

Draco,

Thank you so much for the lovely gift. If ever there was a moment where I wanted to ask you to run away with me, this would be it. I'm leaving on holiday and as much as I want to be alone, I wouldn't say no to having you there if you were so inclined. But let's face it. We both know I'm not going to send this letter. It's going to become just another unsent letter that fills the pages of these journals…

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22 December 2009: Travel Log #395
Playa Linda Beach Resort, Noord, Aruba

Out of all the places that I have travelled, I think that this is going to be my favorite. I am already in love with the locals and the resort. It's beautiful. Currently, I am relaxing by the pool, sipping a drink they call an Aruba Blue, and letting my skin soak up the Caribbean sun. For the first time in years… I feel free and relaxed. I don't have my research weighing me down and I don't have a broken heart.

It's fragile, but I fear that is always going to be the case. Tomorrow, I intend to explore the island. I wish to visit the market in downtown Oranjestad and learn about the local history. I have to remember to pick up a few trinkets for Harry and Ginny's children. They will love the bright toys! Oh, and I do have to remember to send Harry and Ron letters. Ron, bless him, will forget all about the Christmas gifts I have wrapped and ready to go in my closet.

I'm sad to be missing the holidays again, but I need this time alone. And I know… I have gone off on my own so much over these past four years, but this is different. I am healing. When I return, I intend to be as near to whole again as possible. I don't want to be a burden to my friends and family ever again. If that's ever the case, I will go far, far away even if it means I'll be alone forever.

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23 December 2009: Unsent letter to Theodore Nott

Theo,

There are so many things that I want to say to you. First, I must apologize. For everything. You did not deserve to be treated the way that I treated you. I cheated on you… I will never forgive myself for that. All you ever did was love me and just tainted that with my darkness. I'm different now and I hope that you find it in yourself to come back to London. You don't have to hide away anymore. Besides, I think Blaise could use his best friend. Perhaps there is something more than friendship for the both of you…

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23 December 2009: Unsent letter to Blaise Zabini

Blaise,

Of all the people I hurt in the past four years, you are the one I regret the most. I loved you, I want you to understand that. My love for another may have outshined that, but I did love you. I often think about what could have been between you and I had Draco not been lurking in the back of my heart…

I was visiting the northern side of the island here today and couldn't help but remember the times you, Theo, and I spent together. You would love it here. The hot sun, beautifully thrilling water, and the cuisine. It's exactly like the time we all spent together in Venice. Well sort of.

Have you ever considered a relationship with Theo… Just the two of you? I want to make up for my mistakes, Blaise. I want you to be happy. Theo too. If I can't be happy, then at least maybe someone else could be...

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26 December 2009: Travel Log #397
Playa Linda Beach Resort, Noord, Aruba

I met a very interesting man today at the beach. I was relaxing in the sun when he walked by carrying a larger than normal rubber duck. Only, it was attached to an empty drink container and had a bunch of ropes. I politely asked him what he was doing with the contraption. He explained that he was going to fill the container with water and sand to anchor out in the swimmable area of the ocean in front of the resort. The duck would float in place, and with the ropes attached to it, one could relax on their floaty without worrying about drifting out to sea.

It really was quite genius and so I watched as he did exactly as he explained. Then, he and his wife secured the ropes around their wrists and floated out there for a good half an hour. It was genius! When they came back in I told them this and the wife said I was free to use it anytime. I thanked them and actually did use it once before I was done at the beach for the day. I am sure I'll do so again tomorrow too.

I will have to remember to tell Arthur that apparently there is a proper function for a rubber duck! Now I am going to prepare for dinner. I can't believe my time here is going by so quickly. It's been so much fun. I'm thankful for the kind people I've met and the sights I have seen. I may never go home!

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28 December 2009: Unsent letter to Ron Weasley

Ron,

I had the urge to write to Draco today but somehow resisted. The urges are becoming less frequent, but I worry that they will intensify once I return to London. I know now that my life will never be aligned with his outside of work, but that doesn't make it any easier. What if I decided to stay here? There are no witches or wizards on the island. I could be the only one. I could give up my magic and live as a Muggle. It wouldn't be so bad. This place is so beautiful, Ron. I don't know what to do.

Hermione

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30 December 2009: Travel Log #400
California Lighthouse, Noord, Aruba

My time here in this beautiful place is coming to an end. I have just one page of my travel log journal to write upon so I will do it today and be done with this forever.

I'm standing at the northernmost part of the island looking at the two conflicting sides of the sea. To the south, the sea is calm, tranquil, a safe place to swim and explore. To the north, the sea twists and churns, a most dangerous place that would take you under without a second glance. But both sides have qualities that are beautiful. One is chaos while the other is order. Both of which we need in our lives to survive.

The tranquil sea is no more beautiful than the wicked waves of the northern coast and I feel as if that is the perfect way to describe the journey I took these past four years. I have gone through hell both of my own doing and that of others. But I have survived. Somehow, I have survived all of it. I know I keep saying that I wanted it all to end and that I wish I could just disappear, but I can't do that.

That's not who I am. I may be more than a mess at times and unsure of what tomorrow brings, but I am not a coward. I am brave, and brilliant, and at times, beautiful. I will return to my life and keep on living and loving because that is what I have to do. I am Hermione Granger and I will try and remember that no matter what is thrown my way.

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31 December 2009: Unsent letter to Hermione Granger

Dear Future Self,

There are always going to be days where you can't imagine taking another breath. Only, instead of sinking, remember to fly. This life is too beautiful to just throw it all away. You're far too strong for that. It doesn't matter if the weight of the world seems more than you can carry. Don't give up on yourself. You can do this. You are stronger than you think. Just look at all you have done for the world.

And don't be so hard on your heart. Love will find you one day. It may not be in the way in which you thought, but it is out there, somewhere, waiting for you to stumble upon it. And when you do, don't let it go. Do you understand? Fight for it. Fight others for it if you need to. You deserve to be loved. I promise you it will be okay.

Most importantly, take care of yourself first. For far too long, you have put your needs behind those of everything else. That is not going to help you. Remember who you are, okay? You're brave, brilliant, and beautiful. You said so yourself. Love yourself for if you can do that, others will love you too. Don't be afraid of what the future holds. You are always going to be scared but don't let that fear consume you. Grow from it. Grab hold of your inner strength and don't ever let go.

Love,

Hermione J. Granger

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If ever you feel like the life is far too much to handle, please reach out to someone. You are never alone. xxDustNight