She hadn't known what to think, what to feel, what to do, when Lezard had abruptly pulled away from her. When it had become apparent he had intended to do no more this night than kiss her. It was obviously a decision he hadn't enjoyed, his movements stiff, angry. But he had played at being the gentleman, actually bowing a goodbye to Lenneth. She hadn't been able to maintain her mask, to play at being the unfeeling, indifferent creature she claimed to now be. And all because Lezard's actions greatly confused her, Lenneth having felt first hand how much he desired her.
She wasn't frightened by that desire. Lezard was after all, just one of many who had wanted her. And like those others, he had been driven to do unspeakable acts, to manipulate and kill in order to possess her. Lenneth was used to being a catalyst, wars fought over her, kings displaced because of her, and now even time rewritten in the pursuit of her. In all her long eternity, never had anyone gone to such lengths, expended such efforts to simply turn away.
It could almost make a woman feel inadequate if not for the fact she had held against her hand the proof of Lezard's desires. She had felt how he swelled, how he had lengthened and throbbed against the palm of her hand. Lenneth had experienced first hand the desperate hunger within him via his kiss. A kiss that even hours later she swore still lingered warmth on her lips.
It took real strength not to reach up now and finger her lips. Not to trace over the spot his tongue had licked over. Lenneth couldn't stop the memories though, recalling the almost brutal way he had kissed her. How his mouth had felt, how soft, how sensual his lips had been. She told herself it was only because it had been unexpected, that her masters in the past had never expressed an interest in such things. In time it would become second nature to her, just another act to endure. Lenneth was determined to never again be taken aback by Lezard, by his kiss or by anything else he would attempt to do to her. She couldn't afford to feel, or to get close to him on a level that had nothing to do with a master slave relationship.
Most of all, she couldn't allow the confusion she was feeling, to let herself weaken to him. Lenneth couldn't afford to bond herself to him, to develop a liking for Lezard. It was a quick route to trouble, a way to ensure she would hurt when Lezard was replaced and a new master took up Lenneth's leash.
Lenneth didn't think in terms of escaping Lezard. In escaping any of her masters. Instead she existed in a limbo, waiting for her current master to fall, and hoping his replacement wouldn't treat her any worse than any of the others had. But there was no guarantee. And immortals were ever so creative when it came to cruelties and depravities.
She didn't want to think about the past. Didn't want to remember the things that had been done to her. The humiliations and abuse, the ways she had been made to hurt. Her body was divine, Lenneth a being capable of healing from a great deal of physical hurt. And the sadists' had relished in a body they could hurt but not break, Lenneth healing with not so much as a scar to mar her physical perfection. Sometimes, pain and pleasure went together, the abusers getting off on making Lenneth scream.
For many years, Lenneth had expended a lot of her energy on hating those who hurt her. In despising them, wishing them dead. It hadn't made any difference in what was being done to her, and eventually Lenneth rebelled in the only true way she could. She stopped feeling, shut off her emotions and reactions, simply existing to please others. It didn't always spare her from cruelties, but a part of her felt a twisted satisfaction to refuse them her tears.
It's been a long time since she has truly cried. And not even the thought of what Lenneth has lost is enough to wet her eyes now. The only true sign of her agitation is in the way she paces, Lenneth prowling the room Lezard has left to her. A part of her is waiting for Lezard, waiting for him to return and finish what has been started in this room.
She is all the more confused when the minutes become an hour, and then the hour passes into another. She paces faster, Lenneth wondering if this is some game Lezard is playing. If she is supposed to be sitting here, anticipating the moment of his return. Lenneth does, but it is not with excitement that she waits. Not when she wants it over with, with the matter settled between them, an understanding formed of just what her role will be.
Lenneth doesn't for one second believe Lezard's claims of love. That he feels it, and that love exists. She's never known love's touch, never experienced the selflessness of a true lover. She's only known the dark side, the twisted desires that cause greed and selfishness and a need to hurt.
Her agitation mounts, Lenneth not understanding how simply being ignored by Lezard can have such an effect on her. She's feeling more in one night with him, than she has in an eternity with the others, but what she feels, Lenneth doesn't like. All her anxieties, insecurities, and worries coming to bear down. She'll pace for hours yet, before collapsing in a fit of exhaustion on the bed. And even then she will continue to wait, anticipating the moment Lezard wakes her from her exhausted slumber. That he doesn't is surprising, Lenneth waking up confused, disoriented. There's not even a sign that he has been back to the room, and Lenneth marvels at his will power.
She's just as amazed that she's been able to sleep, that hours have gone by without Lezard's return. Lenneth wonders how long she is supposed to wait, and then wonders if Lezard is doing this to purposefully drive her to him. Is this a game to make her think nothing but of him? To make her feel something other than the emptiness she tries to cling to? Worse yet, it might just be working, Lenneth unable to stop thinking about her new master. About his wants, his desires, about the game he is playing with her. It is more torment to exist in this limbo, to wait endlessly for the fate she anticipates. The coming together that is as unavoidable as it is unstoppable.
A pressure is building inside Lenneth. One that might only be alleviated once Lezard takes his spoils. Only then can Lenneth truly feel on even ground, the Goddess unable to understand this behavior that contradicts everything Lezard has done. The wait, the refusal to bed her immediately? All foreign concepts to a woman that has been so pursued, her time, her body not her own. She can't ever remember a time when her owner has given her leave to just exist. If Lenneth was not busy serving their sexual needs, she was off running errands on their command.
Unused to free time, Lenneth had kept herself busy even once she had thrown off the shackles of her former bonds. To rule over Creation, to be the loving, nurturing Goddess had taken nearly all of her time. She hadn't minded, Lenneth loving the world and it's people. Their problems, their entreaties, the miracles they needed, all work that had kept her from being idle. The work had made her feel fulfilled, in ways serving her former masters never had. Lenneth knows she wasn't created to do anything more than serve as a possession, but that brief freedom and fulfillment she had tasted, haunts her. Worse than a dream, real but oh so fleeting. She won't break down though. Lenneth tells herself she is stronger than that. She mustn't let any doubts surface, mustn't let the memories haunt her. Most of all she must remember to never again feel, existing only as the object Odin created her to be.
Lenneth tells herself it will get easier, that the memories will fade though they will never be forgotten. Telling herself her lapse in indifference can be overlooked, that she had responded to confusion and surprise only because she was fresh off of that fleeting freedom. Her determination is stronger than any memories, her emotions will be switched off, hidden behind an impenetrable barrier. And not even Lezard's games will be able to draw them out, Lenneth refusing to be a fool for him, toyed in that way.
It is easy to make that decision. Easy to tell herself that she won't feel anything when with Lezard. Lenneth won't allow herself to even feel anger, or to hate him for what he's stolen from her. And all because she reasons if not Lezard, then someone else would have come along. Someone else who desired her, who wanted to bed her, to use her. Someone else who coveted not only her beauty, but her power and abilities. She can no more fault Lezard than she could the sky for being blue, the man just one face in an endless string of tormentors and wannabe's.
Letting her feelings hollow out, the emptiness settling around her like a cloak, Lenneth nods to herself. There's no use waiting any longer, no need to drag things out any further. She almost needs Lezard to fuck her, for the fledgling God to make clear the nature of her servitude. Relief would come afterwards IF she was still capable of feeling. Certainly any anxiety that remained would be gone, Lenneth no longer having to wonder how cruel and sadistic Lezard could be. There would be an understanding forged, existing only as long as it took for someone to overpower and remove Lezard from his throne.
If Lenneth allowed herself to think, to feel, she would say a serenity had come over her. Rising from the bed and slipping through it's curtained canopy, the Goddess doesn't bother to look for something to put over her dress. She's certain she won't be wearing it for much longer, and though plain in appearance, it still clings enough to her body to hold a certain charm. Certainly she has enough appeal to not need any further adornments, and Lenneth has never been one for jewels or make up.
Lenneth is not as surprised as she could be to discover the door to her room isn't locked. It fits in with Lezard's game, with her assumptions that he is waiting for her to come to him. She won't disappoint, Lenneth padding through the doorway on silent feet. She's not sure where he will be, which of the many doors will lead her to him but she doesn't let that stop her. Lenneth walks through the hall, pausing only long enough to push open door after door. None are locked, Lenneth peering inside them all. She doesn't care for the surroundings, lingering only long enough to ascertain where Lezard is not.
He's not in the other bedroom, or the lavish bathroom that exists beyond it. Lezard is not in the workroom, the library, or the kitchen. Nor can she find him in the myriad of other rooms whose additions seem incomplete, mere after thoughts to this place. If Lenneth was allowing herself to feel, she would be unsettled. She would have been wondering how he could leave without sampling his hard sought prize. She'd certainly be giving in to confusion, to the unease that was almost positive Lezard was playing with her. After all, Lenneth cannot imagine any other reason for his absence. For the effort he puts in to stay away from her.
She has been to almost every room in this place, seen almost every inch of the crystal palace Lezard has crafted to be his home. Lenneth is beginning to think she'll have to seek Lezard elsewhere, and wonders if the palace is warded against her leaving. A window is cut into the crystal, the stone just dark enough to obscure the outside world. Reaching for the latch, Lenneth opens the crystal window and pauses. The new world is spread out before her, Lezard's creation. It is different from the parts Lenneth has already seen, the withering forests, the icy climes, even the perpetual night a top a mountainside. Those realms had all held menace to them, from their look, their feel, to the monsters who inhabited them. What Lenneth sees now, is something to rival Asgard, perhaps made all the more beautiful because it holds a one time mortal's concept of perfection.
Lenneth cannot see all of Lezard's world from the window, but the pieces that she does see? It reminds her of every breathtaking work of art the mortals that she had so loved had created throughout out their long history. Lezard has taken the best bits, the most impressive pieces, crafting a paradise the mortals have long dreamed of.
Lenneth has been to every one of the nine realms of Creation. She has lived among the ice giants, and served the Gods of Jotunheim. Has seen the ethereal loveliness of the elves and fairies in Alfheim. Has even toiled in the underworld, choking on the despair and brimstone of Nifleheim. For all that she has seen, and that included Odin's Asgard, Lenneth has liked best the land of the mortals. The Midgard they made home, and the beautiful paradises they aspired to.
Gazing out the window, looking beyond the emerald brilliance that surrounds the crystal palace, an unfamiliar feeling tightens her chest. Lenneth forgets herself long enough to frown, to allow one hand to clutch at her heart. It is longing pure in it's power, Lenneth wishing for the future she had left behind. The kingdom she had tried to save. She is homesick for that Midgard, not the perfection she sees before her.
The feeling is perilously close to overwhelming her, her careful facade ready to crumble apart. Her vision might just wet with a hint of tears, and with them presses in everything she sought to throw away. Every emotion and desire. Lenneth fights it though. To give in now would be to be destroyed. She might never stop feeling again. And with that feeling, Lezard and the other's abuse will be all the worse, Lenneth vulnerable in ways she hadn't been for thousands of years.
Struggling, her eyes dark with that inner turmoil, Lenneth seeks to center herself. To not only calm herself, but shut off those traitorous feelings that seek to override and ignore her only means of self preservation. She continues to grip at her chest, to stare out past the emerald forest. To try and master the reaction seeing this paradise causes in her.
Just as Lenneth thinks she has it under control, she senses a presence drawing near. Long before footsteps sound from behind her, Lenneth feels the build up of divine energy. The discharge of it, as reality splits apart, and expels a body into the hall. Even before he speaks, Lenneth knows it is Lezard. And with his arrival, she manages to chase away the last of the feelings she is struggling with. The tension eases out of her, but slowly, Lenneth lowering her hand.
"Beautiful, is it not?" She says, starting to turn towards the approaching God. His eyes are all for Lenneth, Lezard not even bothering to look out at the view.
"Yes. A sight like no other." It is not conceit that leads her to believe Lezard is talking about her. Not when his hungry gaze tries to devour every inch of her.
Lenneth doesn't try to pretend she misunderstands. Instead she locks gazes with him, the blue dark with the knowledge of Lezard's desire. It's not a desire she shares, nor can Lenneth truly feign the lust Lezard feels. But the knowing look doesn't quicken Lezard's approach. If anything his steps falter, Lezard halting a few feet from her. He's almost nervous as he adjust the glasses on his face, the newly made God casting about for something to say to her.
"Did you sleep at all?"
"Well enough." Lenneth answers. From the shadowy smudges under his eyes, Lenneth can tell Lezard has spent a restless night. It lets her know he wasn't unaffected by the separation he had insisted upon, though Lenneth cannot understand why he would bother to stay away. Not at the cost to himself.
"You have been exploring?"
"I was looking for you." She tells him. The pleasured response is immediate, Lezard happy to think she had sought him out. His eyes, twin amethyst jewels, are all too expressive when it comes to Lezard's feelings in regards to Lenneth.
"Oh?" He doesn't have to play at being curious. "Did you miss me?"
"If that is the answer that would please you." Her response earns her a sigh, the pleased look fading from Lezard's eyes.
"Lenneth..."
In a heart's beat, she is before him, raising fingers to press against his lips. His eyes, dark with some unfathomable emotion spike with that powerful desire. His lips seem to quiver, as though Lezard is fighting the urge to kiss and taste the fingers she holds to him. Lenneth truly doesn't understand why he denies himself even that, the Goddess going so far as to caress a thumb teasingly over Lezard's bottom lip. His breath seems to catch in his throat, Lezard's eyes growing hooded. It's more powerful a response than she had expected, and it almost makes Lenneth hesitate in reaction.
The softness of Lezard's lips beckons her on, Lenneth's thumb a feather light caress. She can't nerve herself to kiss him, not when she hasn't yet mastered her reaction to such an act. Her other hand touches his chest, his jacket a velvet barrier against his flesh. Shifting, she finds the opening of his jacket, Lenneth sliding her hand inside. She feels the silk of his shirt, thin enough that it can't stop her from experiencing the heat of his skin.
"Lenneth, what are you doing?" Lezard has snagged hold of her wrist, stopping her caresses. She blinks slowly before answering, tilting her head to the side.
"I am giving you what you came for."
Lezard's expression hardens, the God stepping back. Lenneth tries to follow, the hand gripping her wrist holding her at bay. "Sex is not what I came for."
"Isn't it?" She doesn't mean to sound so challenging, but Lezard's refusal to act on his all too apparent desire frustrates her.
"I told you what I want."
"Ah yes." Another woman would have been scornful, but Lenneth was toneless. "You want to make love with me." She inhaled so that her breasts strained the fabric of her dress, Lezard's eyes flicking quickly in their direction. "Very well. I love you. Now can we have sex?"
His reaction was immediate, a red hot anger in his eyes as Lezard jerked his gaze away from her breasts. She had displeased him, but Lenneth didn't understand why. She didn't understand his anger, but she knew what to expect from it. Or at least Lenneth thought she did, holding herself still so as not to flinch in reaction to the slap she was expecting. But Lezard didn't attempt to hit her, didn't so much as squeeze down on the wrist he was holding. He just gazed at her with that angry look, lips opening, then closing as he decided against saying something.
Minutes passed in silence, before Lenneth nerved herself to speak. "I don't understand you." That earned her a frown from Lezard, the man almost bitter as he spoke.
"Obviously."
"You won't have sex with me, though you clearly want to."
"I want more than just your body." Lezard told her. "I want a connection with you."
"You have it." Lenneth replied. "Tell me what I must do, what I must say. How I must act to become that which what you crave."
He was shaking his head no, letting go of her wrist and backing up another two steps. He held up his hand when she moved to follow, but Lenneth knew it wasn't because he feared her. If anything, Lezard might fear what he would do, that he might take her up on her offers if she continued to persist. Especially where sex was concerned.
"Lezard..." Her hands lifted, fingers snagging the straps over her shoulders. "I will be whatever you want. Act however you need. The body that you went to such great lengths to possess? It's yours now. There is no need to hold back."
"Lenneth." A hoarse saying of her name, Lezard audibly swallowing.
"Come." She was without shame, jerking down the straps, letting her breast bounce free of her dress' top. "Take your prize!"
Any protests Lezard could have voiced, died down at the sight of Lenneth's breasts. She felt no true triumph as he stepped towards her, nor did sorrow color her thoughts. There was only emptiness, Lenneth accepting what was about to happen. She told herself it was for the best, that she was doing both herself and Lezard a favor in freeing the God from his delusions about love.
Not sure if this was a good line to end the chapter on. But it's past five a.m. here and I am so tired. I want to tackle five, what happens next in Lezard's POV anyway. Which I hope to work on once I've had some sleep that's more than just a paltry four hours. X_X
I wasn't even expecting to work on this fic to be honest. I had been wanting to work on a Valkyrie Profile fic for like a month now, but then new chapters for Voltron kept happening. But I kept thinking one more chapter for Voltron, and then VP would happen. And that the fic that would get attention would be war bride or Alicia Lezard Lenneth Untitled fic. Imagine my surprise when Spoils of the Heart bit me on the butt, and demanded some chapters. Overall I'm pleased...I'm glad I was able to write a new chapter for this one!
To Be Continued...
Michelle
Me-meowth, oh my goodness! You really perked me up with your comments. I have been wishing every since you first reviewed, that I could write and thank you sooner and more personally. You really made me feel better after how crummy I felt about chapter 3. (Right now the only upset I can remember is that I was upset I couldn't make the chapter a longer size...but I remember how bad I felt and kinda hopeless about the story.) I sorta feel like I should dedicate this chapter to you, since you really did make me happy and feel more positive for the story. I almost tried to force a chapter out, just so I could be able to reply to you. But I learned from first hand experience that I am NEVER happy or satisfied when I try to force a chapter before I am ready to write it. I wonder if maybe that is part of my dissatisfaction I felt with three. Four was finally ready to be written, and I feel pretty good about the end result. :)
Now...I'll try not to gush so much. But oh! Epic? *blushes then smiles big all over again* Why thank you! And yeah, I rather like these unhealthy type of relationships too. Or damaged characters...and Lenneth in this sure fits the bill for damage! I've been wondering how to handle her past...like if I'll do a flashback...I thought Lezard MIGHT peep on her past via the philosopher's stone...if he can handle seeing how badly she was treated. Or maybe she'll talk about it. We'll see how the story flows. And yes...there will be some sexy encounters. My main problem is figuring out how to advance the story...eventually, another character is gonna come into it. It's hard to talk without spoiling...but heck, the summary blurb kinda gives it away My long term plan is, Lenneth eventually does fall for him...and then this other character comes along to take her from Lezard. DUN DUN DUN! Course...I shouldn't spoil everything. But do you really think Lezard even beaten is gonna give up on Lenneth? XD Now if I could only steadily advance the story to get to that point. =/
As for what approach to getting the relationship more developed. Well originally I was going to go right out the gate with the sexual approach. That he gives her pleasure when the others before never bothered, or cared if she enjoyed sex. But then I talked with my friend Huntress, and showed her chapter one, I don't remember if she saw half of chapter two...but I know we were IMing while I was working on two, and I sorta remember bitching/lamenting at how difficult I was finding to segue into sex...Anyway! We talked about it, and some of my plans long term for this story...and together we both thought it would work better if he didn't sex her up.
However...lately I've been thinking about a possible scenario...not right away...but one where he gives her pleasure, but stops and doesn't go for his own pleasure. Which could absolutely flabbergast Lenneth. XD But we shall see...
And don't feel embarrassed. I didn't think the reviews were retarded or anything. Like I said above, they greatly cheered me and made me wish I had a way to contact you to thank you. :D
Ruvian...er um...thanks. But can't write any faster. XD And Lezard needs his chapters too!
Nyash, thanks! I'm not sure what reaction I wanted to be honest. But the story might have a chance to be romantic and touching if Lezard can actually help Lenneth work through her issues. ^_- Thanks again! I hope to not take so long in between updates...but with real life and other stories demanding to be told...eh...damn...I'm doomed. X_X