Chapter 4

"Look, we have to go at once. I'll explain later and keep in mind you are not dead yet, but unless you do what I say you will see another poker coming your direction." The Voice came very natural to her.

She took Teatime from the Gaiters' house and they went to hers. Strangely enough, he didn't try anything funny. The sun had just risen.

"Nice house" he said.

"Ok. The only reason you are not dead yet is that… I need your… help."

"I thought you just missed me."

"Very funny. Lobsang, I mean the anthropomorphic personification of Time brought you to the future because I need to ask you a few things. Then you'll return to your time and die a painful, I hope, death."

"Lobsang? Is he your boyfriend or something?"

Susan's eyes opened wide as she gave him a Look that would make anyone wonder if lightning would strike the next moment. "No."

Then she went and picked a teapot.

"Don't stand there. Have a seat. Would you like some tea? Or isn't it teatime, yet, Teatime?" she asked deliberately mispronouncing his name.

"Te-ah-tim-eh!"

"Whatever. Would you like some tea?"

Teatime looked at her. He could see she hated him for some reason but still, she was smiling. "Yes" he said.

She poured him and herself some tea and then sat on a chair beside him.

"I want you to tell me how you were going to kill the Soul Cake Duck."

"Why?"

"Obviously somebody else had the same idea and as it seems the Duck's time is not much."

"How interesting. And you need my help. That will be… fun" he said looking at Susan's hair. He remembered what they smelled like back in Toothfairy's Castle.

"Hello? Are you still with me? We don't have all day you know."

"As you know the Soul Cake Duck leaves chocolate eggs for kids to find on Soul Cake Tuesday. She has to leave them the night before. I came to realise the best time to catch her is then. I intended to watch hidden in a backyard and when she'd arrive she'd be history, or perhaps fairytale. I'm not exactly sure."

"Backyards huh?"

"Yes. But not here in Ankh-Morpork. The best place is Lancre. We have to get there."

"Then we have to leave at once. Soul Cake Tuesday is tomorrow and we need to be ready before nightfall."

Susan called Binky and both of them rode it. They were riding on the air fast enough to reach the Kingdom of Lancre in time.

Teatime was behind Susan, holding her waist tight, his chest pressed hard to her back. Now he had the chance to smell her hair again. He loosened one of his hands and held her with the other. With his free hand he moved her hair out of the way and kissed her neck.

"What are you doing? Bugger off!" She turned for a second and saw his satisfied grin. She had to turn to face their way again but then he started playing with her hair which seemed to be rather enjoying it and she could feel his breath on the back of her neck.

She saw they were over Lancre exactly over Nanny Ogg's cottage.

Teatime kissed her neck again saying "I had great plans for the two of us. I wish you hadn't killed me."

"Then why are you trying so hard to make me kill you?" She couldn't put up with this any longer. She gave him a blow in the stomach with her elbow and she made Binky land.

"This was not necessary Susan."

"It was fun though."

Nanny was in her garden, scolding a couple of her daughters-in-law for misplacing a lawn dwarf. When she saw Teatime with Susan she sent the two girls inside and approached them.

"Are you here for one of my cookbooks?" she asked them. "I sold the last copy I had a week ago, to a man who wanted to impress a woman and persuade her to marry him."

Susan and Teatime looked at each other. The last thing they wanted was Nanny Ogg's "JOYE OF SNACKES", the magic cookbook that was known to have caused many troubles to unsuspected people who tried its recipes.

"The best way to make a girl love you is the "Meatpie of Love" she continued "everyone knows that."

"Thanks, but… we are not interested" said Susan quite shocked from that remark "We were just passing by."

"Besides" added Teatime "our love is strong enough" and he grabbed Susan and kissed her.

She pushed him away but not before slapping him as hard as she could.

"See? Full of flame. She wants me."

Susan looked at him and then at Nanny Ogg who was giggling.

"Is there a poker I can borrow?" Susan asked her.

"Don't worry, dear, Your relationship is going through a phase."

"There is no relationship. The man is totally cracked!"

Nanny Ogg continued.

"It will get better. All you need is a bit more romance and…"

"Enough! We're leaving." yelled Susan pushing Teatime away from the cottage.

Nanny thought that girls used to be different in the past.