He's gone.

I'll never see him again. Never see him smile. Never again hear him laugh. Never hear his voice, reading or singing or even just speaking.

I'll never walk with him again. We'll never run together, never lay together in silence, our thoughts only on each other, no one else in existence.

I'll never see the amazement in his eyes as he wonders how I could love him.

I'll never seem him get needlessly tense, ready to defend me from even thoughtless words from teenage girls in high school.

I'll never hunt with him again, never be able to reassure him again, never be able to thank him or praise him or say a kind word.

I'll never be able to feel his body next to mine, never feel his breath on my neck, his hands playing with my hair. I'll never feel his emotions again.

I'll never see him again. I'll never be with him again.

I'll never again just sit with him, talking about nothing important at all, or feel his arms around me or his lips against mine. I'll never get to tease him and have him tease back.

I'll never get to watch him read to Nessie, or watch football with Emmett. I'll never get to watch how gentle he is in dealing with Esme, or how callous he pretends to be with Rosalie when he really understands, but also understands that she doesn't need his sympathy, not in front of the others. I'll never witness another philosophical debate with Carlisle.

I feel empty, except for my heart, which feels like someone ripped a large hole in it and is still tearing at it, picking at the wound, so it can't heal, so it only gets worse.

Everything reminds me of him. Nothing holds any interest without him.

I can still smell his scent on the jacket. At least I have that.

And memories.

And I replay them over and over again in my mind.

The day we met. Our first kiss. They day he proposed. Our wedding day, and night. The day he saved my life. Our first day of school together. Countless days spent simply sitting, or talking, or running. All good times, only good times.

I didn't want to remember the bad. I couldn't.

I couldn't bear to see even a shadow Jasper upset, not even in my mind, not even if it resolved into happier things.

Things are different now, but I can't bring myself to care enough to figure out how. I think Carlisle is always with me now. I know I still hunt. He probably makes sure of that. Instinct takes over after a point, and it's nice to forget everything else for a few minutes.

Forget my poor Jasper? How could I? How could I abandon his memory for even that long?

But I do, and it is not something I could change.

The thought plagues me, though. I cannot escape it.

I left my family. Left my Jasper. Made him suffer. I thought I was protecting him.

But it was all for nothing.

He's gone anyway.

Disclaimer: Neither Twilight nor any of its characters are in my possession.