Hello, my lovelies. Now that we know a bit more about Monoshisuji/Kuroshitsuji II, I have oodles more to make fun of.

Please do NOT read this chapter if you do not wish to have the series spoiled for yourself. I am going to be writing based on whatever episode has come out latest, and the events that came before/in it. I am going to be writing this part of this gorgeous novel based upon episode 8 and the ones previous. I will be adding my own speculations on top of facts in a crack-manner. Please feel free to enjoy that. I hope you are as confused as I am about what's going on. So I'm going to make it more confusing. You're welcome.

Yeah…in all seriousness, I think Alois just died, guys. But me thinks that Hannah is now contracting with Alois, instead of Claude. What do you guys think? Let's all speculate together, shall we?

And now we know that Alois' real name is Jim McCain. What the fuck. I had no idea Alois was running for President with a retarded Alaskan woman. :/

Not to get political…xD

Anyways. On to what you want to read:

Ahem.

So, we shall start off this lovely day with Alois. Alois walked out of his room, completely buck-ass naked, because he thinks he is a nudist, apparently. He walked down the hall, strutting his minuscule junk (in both the trunk and the hood).

Claude stepped out of the kitchen, wearing an apron over his jacket. He glared at Alois, not amused by his body in the slightest. I don't know what's wrong with this guy. Any DEMON that is related in SATAN in any way would be SINFUL enough to stare at a NAKED LITTLE BOY. GOD WHAT'S WRONG THESE DAYS WHERE WE CAN'T GET GOOD PEDOPHILIC DEMONS IN THE HOUSE?

He pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, only furthering his level of disgust. He cleared his throat disapprovingly as Alois walked passed. Alois was irritated with his lack of action. What was wrong with him that Claude didn't want to just EAT HIM UP? He knew he was as delicious as a ghetto-black-girl's-ass (no racism intended there, please), so why didn't Claude want him? He decided he needed to take more drastic measures.

Alois called Hannah in to let him borrow her dress. Because all Earls wear dresses in their spare time, obviously. You didn't know that? GOD you're stupid. I don't know what the fuck series you've been watching then. Because DUR everyone cross-dresses in Kuroshtisuji…Stupid.

Hannah slowly stripped, showing her very oddly colored skin sensually. Alois looked away, not to give her privacy and the last thread of dignity she may have left, but to save his gay little eyes from being scarred forever. He grabbed her dress and put it on quickly.

"Come, Hannah. I must go to Ciel Phantomhive's mannor. Perhaps he will let me borrow some of his stripper wardrobe so I can sexually and tenderly seduce Claude."

Hannah nodded and got the carriage ready. Unfortunately it was covered in the Undertaker and Finnian's pubic hair. Not to mention love juice. Mmmm…death god and gardener cum smoothie. I want me some o' that!

Alois decided it would be a good idea to suck the cum off of the hair. Because we all know he just LOVES using that tongue excessively.

(I don't know why, but as I wrote that, I had an unnecessary craving for Pizza Rolls…then I wanted to throw up xD).

Alois arrived at Ciel's house. The home was covered in toilet paper (which obviously arrived from the future, because they didn't have it back then. Did you ever notice no one pisses or takes a dump in this show? Weird), beer cans, and plastic flamingos.

Ciel was dangling out the window, also butt naked, and Sebastion was fucking his ass hard.

Now, you may ask why the sudden sexy-ness? Well, it was requested. It was also requested/suggested that a love triangle should arise. I'll give you a "love triangle". I try to incorporate all requests, my dears. So try me. You may be orgasmic-ally surprised~!

"HARDER!" Ciel cried from the window, gasping in pleasure.

Sebastian slid his fingers into Ciel's mouth slowly. Ciel sucked on them as he moaned deeply, appreciating Sebastian complying to his demands. Sebastian thrust deeper into him, holding on to him tightly buy wrapping his arm around his torso. He leaned down and kissed his neck carefully, leaving hickeys along the way.

Alois stared up at them in envy, then pouted. "WHY CAN'T MY BUTLER RAPE ME?" He screamed. This caused the duo to stop their antics abruptly. Ciel glared down at him, utter hatred displayed on his face. How dare he ruin his nice-fack? How DARE HE?

And so started the hate between Alois and Ciel.

Claude arrived behind Alois, coming out of no where. He stared up at the two as well. The immediate moment he saw Ciel…

He jazzed in his pants.

Why did I write THAT you may ask? Well, my dears, in episode 7, when Ciel bitch slapped Claude and got blood on his face, and when Claude licked the blood off, he had a expression that could only be described in one phrase: Orgasm face. If you do not agree or do not see it, go watch it again. You'll understand now.

How could such a BOOTY-LICIOUS child exist? Claude thought to himself. He stared more, thinking of all the dirty things he would do to Ciel.

Sebastian saw this look and dasn't like it.

"WHAT THE FUCKZ YOU THINK YOU DOIN, BOY? STARIN AT MY DIDDLE TOY?"

Claude got his ghetto on as well, "BOYYYY I WAS JUST STARIN AT THAT SWEET ASS! I WANNA FUCK THAT, MAN!"

Alois gasped in terror, "SO YOU WANNA FUCK THAT AND NOT ME? WHAT IS IT? AM I TOO OLD FOR YOU! I'M STILL YOUNG! I'M ONLY 14 (15?)! I SEE HOW IT IS, YOU LIKE THEM PRE-PUBESCENT! YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER PEDOPHILIC DEMONS I'VE MET!"

Hannah stepped forward, "ALL OF THEM, EXCEPT ME! THOUGH I AM CONSIDERED A COUGER-DEMON WHO SPEWS MACHINE GUNS FROM HER VAGINA; I STILL LOVE YOU ALOIS! EVEN IF YOU POKED OUT MY EYE, THREW A VASE AT ME, CALLED ME A WHORE, KICKED ME, SEXUALLY ABUSED ME, AND OTHER THINGS!"

Alois teared up I joy. "Y-you do…?"

Hannah smirked. "No, you whiny bitch. I'm lying!" She grabbed him by the head and slammed her knee into his forehead.

Alois cried like a 4-year old (nowwww is he acceptable for Claude?).

"I want pickles," said Ciel. He pulled himself away from Sebastian and his large peen.

Sebastian smiled "You can eat MY pickle!"

Ciel bitch slapped him, "NO, YOU FOOL! I WANT VALASSIC DILL PICKLES! THE ONES WITH THE SCARY STORK WITH THE FUNNY MASCOT ON THEM. DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Sebastian wimpered like a puppy. "Y-yes, My LORDO. I'll get them right away."

And he jumped into the trees, nekkid as the day he was born…wait, no, that doesn't work. Okay, the day Satan hatched him from his demon egg. Or does Satan make babies? Can some satanic tell me what's going on?

Ciel clothed himself to avoid Claude's creeper gaze. He walked downstairs to greet the sobbing Alois and his two demon accomplices.

"What the hell do you want, Blondie?"

Alois sniveled. "I-I just want to be LOVED Ciel! I want to borrow your promiscuous wardrobe! I want to seduce Claude!"

Claude scoffed at the thought.

Ciel sighed. "Finnneee but ONLY if I can borrow your Justin Bieber CD."

Alois squealed at the sound of the name. Ciel also squealed, and then they both squealed together.

For 27 and a half minutes.

Then they fangirled obsessively over his HAIR and his VOICE and his BODY and his CLOTHES and his EYES and his EVERYTHING BECAUSE HE'S SO~~~~~ GREAT AND AMAZING AND OH-MAI-GAWD WE'RE SO GOING TO MARRY HIM!

I SWEAR TO GOD, IT'S LIKE…ALL THREE OF THE JONAS BROTHERS GOT WRAPPED IN TO ONE GIANT PRE-TEEN CLUSTER FUCK OF FUCKY FUCK. I HATE THAT KID MUCH.

And so does Claude.

Claude teleported to the future, grabbed Bieber, then teleported back. He dragged him into the tool shed. He first cut off his ears slowly, so he couldn't hear his screaming fans any longer. Then he ripped off his gay little lips and ate them, so not another squeaky little word could come out of his squeaky little face. Then he cut off his nose, so he could look like Michael Jackson. Then he ripped off his scalp, so he didn't have his gay little side-swept hair anymore. (Did you know it's a fucking HAIR STYLE now? Kids are like, oh, this? I just got this cut. You like it? It's the Bieber). Claude then ripped off his clothes, causing him to be completely exposed. He grabbed a wrench and ripped off his nipples, leaving holes in his chest. He grabbed his little dick with the wrench and YANKED it off, throwing it to the side. He then slowly plucked off his testicles and ate them as well. Now that he had holes bleeding all over his body, Claude deemed it an okay time to rip his eyes out. He plunged forks into his eyeballs and pulled them out fast. Bieber screamed, which pissed Claude off. He realized he didn't kill the weed at it's core; he didn't get rid of his voice. He reached down into his throat and extracted his vocal cords with great force.

Bieber lay on the floor, twitching and slowly bleeding to death.

God damn that was great to write.

Alois and Ciel screamed in terror when they saw the body. Then they quickly moved on to the newest craze; Silly Bandz.

They went up into Ciel's room, trading their silly bands.

"I want your Whale one!" Alois yelled excitedly.

"Only if you trade me your Guitar!" Ciel replied.

Alois glared at him, "But the Guitar is one of my favorites."

"Then no Whale."

"Fuck you!" Alois screamed, jumping on Ciel. He started pounding the shit out of his head. He grabbed a Silly Band and wrapped it around Ciel's neck.

Ciel snapped it in half and flipped them over. "GIVE ME YOUR SILLY BANDZ BITCH!"

Alois was turned on by this.

Ciel felt his little boner and also got turned on. Even though 12 year old boys usually don't have the sense to get turned on, as far as I know. I'm not a pedophilic demon though, so I'm not really an expert on that sort of thing :/

They started viciously stripping each other, making out and touching each other at the same time. Alois slid his tongue into Ciel's mouth, hungerly going after his lips.

NOW Claude was turned on.

He stripped as well, and climbed into the bed with them.

AND THEN THEY HAD A HOT LOVE-TRIANGLE THREE-SOME OF EPIC PROPORTIONS. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, KAMIMORITAMA? ARE YOU? No, you're probably not, because you requested Ciel and Sebastion. Well, you got that too. This is a bonus. Just for you my dear. I love you.

After they all finished licking each other's ass holes or whatever the fuck they would do, Alois looked over at Ciel. He felt jealousy bubble up in him, because Claude was closer to Ciel than to him. Claude saw this jealousy, and he had had enough.

He decided he hated all blonde boys ages 13-17 (Bieber, Alois, to name two). He decided he wanted to be with Ciel, not Alois, because Alois was damaged goods anyway.

He grabbed his head and smashed it together like a pair of cymbols.

"TEAM PHANTOMHIVE, BITCH!"

Well, my dears, I do hope you enjoyed this tid bit. I will be updating again with a more crack-licious chapter than this one after the next episode. Because, to be honest, I thought this one was drawl. But you should all decide.

I LOVE YOU ALL. GOOD NIGHT!