Chapter Four
It had been a little over a week since the Hall passed that dreadful order. Supposedly, it was the only way to help the Rito people. Zelda knew better. Before the order, the Rito controlled valuable land and resources. With the Rito out of the way, the United Republic could take the land and get even richer.
Not that the princess had any moral ground to stand on. Not every Rito caught went straight to a zoo or reserve. She was among a growing number of political leaders who secretly took a Rito or two… or five. She was a bit of a hypocrite. She hated the order and the idea of basically kidnapping entire villages, but she loved having them as pets.
Zelda climbed out of the tub and dried herself off. Donning her bathrobe, she hurried to her door just in time to see her "guest" approach her door.
"I was just going to tell you that it's getting late and I should be heading back home."
"It's too far, Alphy." Zelda pleaded.
Alphy. Alphonse Tinsmith smiled at the nickname.
"Alphy?" he asked, "No 'Mr. Tinsmith'? No 'Link'? Not even a very informal 'Alphonse'?"
"What, we haven't been going out once a month for the past few months?" Zelda asked, "We go on what could best be described as 'dates'. You hold my hand without even realizing it. I'd say we make it official."
"I suppose Gregory will be alright." Alphonse sighed, "Ever since we invented the flying machine, women have been appearing left and right trying to get to know him intimately. I'm guessing they're hoping for a genius baby or two. Where did this 'date' idea come from? I thought you were, well… let's just say you're closer to the Gerudo queen than you are to me."
"We may be young, hormonally active women, but we aren't lesbians." Zelda explained, "The only reason Queen Azriella doesn't have a king by her side is that the Gerudo Councilwomen keep getting in the way of her finding a mate. She's not sleeping around with her countrywomen. She's not waiting for the right woman. She said the greatest day of her life was when she found her new lover, Ezli. For some reason, Ezli describes it as the worst day in his."
"Fine, you're not a lesbian." Alphonse sighed, "Maybe we are dating. I guess that's why the swarms of women have been avoiding me. No one wants to tempt fate, and the executioner's ax, going after a princess's lover."
"Damn right, they don't."
"So, where are your 'pets'?" Alphonse asked.
"Well, my horse is in the stable. You've met my helmarock, Shinytail."
"I mean your, well…Ritos."
"What?"
"I've seen the feathers, Zelda." Alphonse told her, "I know you have a few. Everyone knows."
"They're shy." Zelda told him, "They only like me because they don't want to be shipped off to a zoo."
"Where are they?" Alphonse pestered, "I've always wanted to see a Rito."
"Promise you won't tell." Zelda pleaded, "If I show you, promise you won't let word get out. I love them and I wouldn't want them to be shipped off to some zoo."
"You're the princess of Hyleana." Alphonse reassured her, "If I told everyone you were keeping Ritos, the public would think we broke up and that I was spreading nasty rumors about you. Famous or not, I'd be put to death. I may be brave and a little reckless, but I'm not stupid."
"Okay." she sighed, pulling her bathrobe hood over her damp hair, "They're in a part of the castle off limits to most of the staff. You'd have to be either part of the royal family or in our inner circle to enter. You can't tell anyone anything. If they ask what we were doing that was so secretive, tell them we made love."
"I guess that's a lie they could believe."
"Who said it's a lie?" Zelda asked, "Father's been pestering me for an heir, even if it has to be a bastard."
"I do have experience in continuing royal bloodlines."
"We could get married." Zelda continued, fantasizing, "You'd be a prince and, eventually, king. I'd be married to the Hero of Invention. You'd become Chief Specialist in the United Hyrule Republic Innovation Department. It wouldn't be completely cronyism since you really are the best.
"Zelda. Ritos." Alphonse said, trying to get Zelda's attention, "Me want birdies. Princess show birdies, yes?"
"Sorry." Zelda quickly apologized, "I got a little carried away."
Zelda grabbed Alphonse's hand as she led him through a series of halls and doors. Alphonse blushed, unused to being with a woman so forward. Eventually, they made it to the room. Alphonse counted five Rito. All were wearing royal dresses.
"I didn't know you had dresses." Alphonse told her.
"They're gifts." Zelda sighed, "I don't like dresses. They're also wearing my heels. I hate high heels."
"Good evening, Princess Zelda." one of them greeted, bowing, "Who is your friend?"
"Everyone, this is Alphonse Tinsmith." Zelda announced to the group, "He's going to be staying here in the castle for a while."
"How long?" Alphonse asked.
"As long as I like." Zelda told him, "I'm the princess here, not you."
"You can't keep Hyleana's genius locked up." Alphonse warned, "There's always a way out."
"How good are you at breaking out of dungeons?"
"Where will I be staying?" Alphonse asked, defeated.
"My room, of course. After all, you can only love someone so much when they're not in your bed… naked."
"This is a side of you I never want to see again." Alphonse sighed, "Why did I get stuck with you?"
"You're stuck with me because I'm the princess." Zelda explained as she pulled him in closer, "And you… you're the hero. You're this generation's Link. It's your destiny."
"That's right." Alphonse sighed, "I just hope you aren't one of those spoiled princesses."
"I'm going to have Hyleana's hero in my bed every night for the rest of my life. Doesn't that make me spoiled?" Zelda asked, "I'm the only one who has what everyone else wants. Wouldn't that give me a big ego and sense of entitlement? Can't you just see your life a few years from now?"
"No."
"Let me help you imagine it, Alphy. You're tinkering with a yet another machine that's sure to revolutionize life as we know it. Our baby is sleeping in his or her crib. Hopefully his, since girls can be real bitches."
"You're a girl." Alphonse pointed out.
"Exactly. Now, it's a warm summer's day, so one of the Ritos brings you a drink. Mailman comes and delivers a letter. Apparently, your friend is now just a few promotions away from being head of the entire War Innovation Department. Anyway, my father is away doing foreign relations stuff with the Federation, so I'm acting as a temporary queen."
"It's hard to imagine you wearing that queen gown and crown and shit." Alphonse said with a smirk.
"Who said I'd be the one in the dress?" Zelda pointed out, "Male cross-dressers just happens to be one of my fetishes. I can just picture you in a long, but tight, sleeveless dress. Your hairy, well-muscled arms providing contrast to the silky fabric. Lipstick meshing well with the surrounding facial-hair. Big, hairy feet slid into sexy black heels. We'll improve your long hair from your current barbarian-warrior look to something bigger and far more elegant and feminine."
"I like my body and even I find that image disturbing." Alphonse complained, "You need to erase that thought from the minds of me and the Ritos and I hope you can swing a blunt object hard enough to get the job done."
"The Ritos have been introduced to sexier ideas. You should see the pictures I painted of you and your friend, Gregory."
"I really shouldn't." Alphonse told her, "I just ate and I'm planning on fitting another meal some point into my busy schedule of not looking at whatever you painted. Eating again is something I look forward to doing later in life."
"It's of a scene of a book I'm writing." Zelda explained, "Gregory returns home from a long day at the local War innovation Department outpost. The two of you have been looking forward to this moment for a while; a moment where the two of you can finally have some quiet time together."
"If it's erotic, please tell me a woman is involved." Alphonse pleaded.
"There are two. Lady Amberstone of the Hylealloo Republic and the Twili king's daughter, Princess Lanu. They've been giving you neck rubs and a meal just like anyone would do for Hyleana's most important man in decades. They leave the room just as you and Gregory are removing your clothes for a fun night of…"
"I've heard enough." Alphonse interrupted, "You're where those rumors about me and my assistant came from. It has to be you. It's time to change the subject. Please tell me about your Ritos."
"The one in the white dress is Princess Lovehawk." Zelda began, "Don't let the name fool you. She's actually a he. By him in the pink dress is Lady Lovebird, another male. I've been helping them get past their differences and love each other. For some reason, they seem more interested in Lord Funnybeak and Prince Prettyfeathers, the females in the red and blue dresses, respectively. Fortunately, Funnybeak and Prettyfeathers haven't been engaging in funny lovey-dovey stuff. Unfortunately, they have been getting all lovey-dovey with Lovehawk and Lovebird."
"You need help." Alphonse pointed out, "You shouldn't be around these birds and that's for their sake. Please tell me you haven't been getting all 'lovey-dovey' with any of them."
"If you must know, I've been saving my kisses for Lady Freebird, the male in the purple dress that I've been teaching guitar to. Tomorrow, I introduce Funnybeak and Prettyfeathers to pants."
"Help us." Princess Lovehawk pleaded, "She's crazy. You can't even imagine what she's putting 'Lady Freebird' through. We'll take our chances with the zoo. Please, save us."
"You know, I know a few obscure spells." Zelda told Alphonse casually, "A little magic and a well-carved wooden mask and I'll have myself a sixth Rito. A sixth mute, magically lobotomized Rito that knows his place. Maybe I'll have two or even six mute, magically lobotomized Ritos to play with all day every day."
"My 'Princess Zelda is crazy' hypothesis is moving steadily toward 'theory'." Alphonse muttered to himself.
"I know I'm a little loony." Zelda told Alphonse, "I know my mind may have things going on that shouldn't. I don't hate it. I don't fear or ignore it. I embrace it. I love the crazy, Alphonse. I love it. I love the weird desires and bizarre fetishes. I love knowing I should be institutionalized or at least medicated. That's why I'm insisting you sleep with me tonight and I don't just mean slumber. By the end of this week, you'll love the crazy as much as I do. Either that or I introduce you to a permanent transformation mask."
"I'm thinking I need some alone time, say fifty years." Alphonse told her.
"I'm afraid I'm not just some figurehead." Zelda warned, "I'm not just some pretty face they'll carve into a coin. This is an absolute monarchy, Alphy. I don't settle for some snooty prince or inbred noble. Crazy or not, I settle for best. You're the best, Alphy. You gave a son to a certain Zoran princess and she was as barren as the Gerudo desert. You could get a stone pregnant just by standing near it."
"I haven't been liking where this is going for what feels like a very long time." Alphonse complained. Zelda continued.
"Imagine the castle swarming with an army of princes and princesses. Imagine being their mommy while Daddy Zelda rules her country."
"I'm imagining myself running very, very far away from here."
"You're so silly, Alphy." Zelda laughed, "You're going to live here for now on. I'm going to let you get acquainted with the birdies. Don't go too far. My Shiekah guards won't like it."
As soon as Zelda left, the Ritos approached Alphonse.
"You have to help us." Lady Lovebird pleaded, "You have to get us out of here."
"I'm afraid I'm just as stuck here as you are." Alphonse sighed.
"But you're the hero." Lady Lovebird insisted, "You're the latest in a long line of heroes who've slain demons. The very sound of your title instills fear in the hearts of villains everywhere. You have to help."
"Listen, this is different." Alphonse told the desperate Rito, "Times are different. Those heroes had the backing of entire kingdoms. Who was good and who was evil was clear to everyone. Now, it's all political. The black and white world has muddled into gray and the era of heroes might as well be over."
"That's no way to talk." Lady Lovebird told him, "You have a villain and her name is Zelda. You have five feathered damsels in distress and you didn't even have to look for them. The villain brought you to them. Now, Hyrule has gone crazy. My kind are being rounded up throughout the land. Why? Various reasons. We threaten Zoran control of the waves. Hylians want our land and our resources. Gorons believe we are mere animals that need to be protected from the modern world. The Gerudo have always used our men as a status symbol. Moblins follow whoever is in charge."
"What's your point?" Alphonse asked.
"It's the hero's job to take the damsels out of the villains kingdom. It's a big world out there. Mountains that pierce the sky. Forests as big as oceans. Rivers, lakes, valleys, and deserts with untold beauty. That's our goal, Alphonse. It won't be easy. Failure means life in a zoo or worse… being taken back here. You'll have the help of five Ritos."
"Or you can stay here." Alphonse suggested, "You're talking a thousand miles to the nearest shoreline. We'll need food, shelter, and money. As soon as we leave the castle, assuming we make it that far, we'll be wanted. It's doomed to failure. At least here, you have free room and board."
"Do you have any idea what it's like here?" Lady Lovebird demanded, "That royal witch Zelda's been slowly lobotomizing us with her magic. We can't even remember our real names. She's been taking Freebird there into her chambers and it's not for a game of cards. He's been saving himself for a suitable mate, Alphonse. Lovehawk and I haven't fared much better. She's been having us 'perform' in positions from her charts and books. She's crazy, Alphonse. We've even been praying to Valoo that she is merciful enough to go ax crazy on us."
"Don't talk like that." Alphonse pleaded, "It can't be that bad. I hope it isn't that bad."
"She has a dress picked out for you." Lady Lovebird pointed out, "Dresses and heels, just like Freebird, Lovehawk, and me. Only the girls have been allowed to go barefoot. If you want to spend your life having tea parties in a big green dress, go by the name Queen Linka, and try to start a family of Hylian-Rito hybrids with the girls, stay here. Live out Zelda's twisted fantasies as a magically-lobotomized living, smiling, talking, loving doll. If you want normalcy and a life free from this madness, escape. We'll find a new land. We'll find the land of our ancestors and start anew."
"If I escape, I'm not dragging you five deadweights."
"We can fly, Alphonse." Lady Lovebird pointed out, "What can you do? If anyone's deadweight, it's you. You're earthbound. Your only advantage is you don't have the entire United Hyrule Republic trying to lock you in a cage."
"You really do belong in a cage." Alphonse told him bluntly, "That's your problem. You're dumb-asses. You haven't developed since your kind arrived here and you were out-of-date then. You worship a giant lizard. You have tools. So do monkeys. You can talk. So can various other birds. Stay here and play dress-up with the princess. I can at least convince her we're better off friends than lovers."
"You are a disgrace." Lady Lovebird growled, "You call yourself a hero. Of course you should rescue us. It's your job. You think they only gave you training to keep you busy? You save people. We're people. None of the other heroes would have turned their backs on the needy. What makes you so special? What makes you so much better than those who risked their lives slaying Majora? What makes you better than the heroes that stopped the Great Invasion? You have a job. Do it."
"I save people. You are not people. You're animals. You're pets. The only reason people aren't allowed to kill you for sport is you're on the verge of extinction. I have a place. It's the battlefield or the lab. You have a place. It's here. Get used to it."
"Are you just going to turn your back on us?" Lady Lovebird demanded, "You're going to let this madness continue?"
"For animals, you have a good thing going." Alphonse growled, "I'd rather put on that dress than let you five spoiled asses tell me what to do. Put on your dresses, put on your high-heeled shoes, and shut up."
"Spoiled asses? Who saved your ass in the Battle of the Goron Range? Me. I was the Rito that pulled you out of that ravine when the bridge broke. I flew you to that field hospital. You owe me. Get us out of here before I regret not leaving your corpse to rot."
"I owe you nothing." Alphonse countered, "I used to feel sorry for you. Now I'm glad you're stuck here with a crazy princess. I'm glad your kind is being rounded up. I don't want that land to go to waste. That's what you are: waste. I'll let you in on a secret. I invented the flying machine. I replaced you completely. The only thing you had going for you is gone. I'm glad I did it. If I could go back in time to the time of the first settlements, I'd invent it then. I'd have your kind hunted down. Not killed. That would be too good for you. I would have you where you are right now: in a dress, gloves, and heels in a crazy princess's castle miserable with boredom. I'd curse you so that not even death could rescue you from this fate. Know your place, bird."
Angered, Lady Lovebird removed a glove and wrapped it around Alphonse's neck when he had his back turned.
"Allow me to make room for someone more deserving of your title." Lady Lovebird growled as he pulled the glove tighter, "I hope your replacement has more decency than you. Not only do I regret saving you, I regret not being the one to destroy that bridge while you were on it. I regret not defecating on your corpse. Know your place, hero. That place is six feet underground."
Shiekah guards burst through the door and separated the two.
"That's not how good birdies act." the first Shiekah scolded.
"Poor thing doesn't know any better." the second Shiekah told the first, "Look at him. Probably needs more time in the lobotomy room."
"You're lucky my spear is gone!" Lady Lovebird shouted, "I'd have you rotting in your graves! I'd be reunited with Valoo. I am not a pet! I am a warrior and you all will face this Rito's wrath!"
"You've been warned before, Lady Lovebird." the first Shiekah told him, "Now your lobotomy will be more thorough."
The two Shiekah left the room, dragging a struggling Lady Lovebird. With that angry Rito gone, Alphonse enjoyed the company of the much more timid others.