Before I was ok with the New 52, but now a lot of stuff is making zero sense. I'm not saying I hate it, there has been some very good stories, but others are just plain wrong. Enjoy this messed up one shot.
"Yeah, so I just took off my mask in the middle of battle to show Green Lantern."
"Why the heck would you do that?" Tim questioned bugged eyed, sipping his Nutella milkshake.
"I don't know, cause he like broke him arm. Soooo, I felt bad and despite my serious trust issues and all the people and opportunities I lost fiercely trying to keep my identity a secret, I decided to tell him."
"Wow, I don't really know what to say. That was a pretty stupid move." Stephanie said, twirling the ends of her hair.
"You're opinion doesn't even matter Steph, you don't even exist anymore." Jason said, taking a mouthful of his root beer float that he spiked with vodka.
"What!? What do you mean? Why would they get rid of me. I mean I-" Stephanie disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving her strawberry shake behind.
"Dibs on Steph's milkshake!" Wally exclaimed, grabbing her shake.
"Oh hey Wally! I missed you buddy. It took them a while to bring you back." Dick said.
"Oh yeah. Sad news I'm gonna be Kid Flash for quite a while till the old man so call "dies". It's gonna be Young Justice all over again."
"Yeah that is not needed."
"Do I even exist in this universe?" Asked Cassandra quietly.
"Oh right. Yeah you don't. You're gone too." Barbara said.
"I'll be back." Cassandra swore silently as she disappeared.
"That was weird. Any one need napkins?" Barbara asked as she wheeled her way over to the condiments table.
"Why the heck are you in a wheel chair?" Damian asked confused.
"Uh cause I need it. Got crippled remember?"
"Not anymore, DC brought you back in action." Bruce said, stirring his protein packed milkshake
"No way. Like I was pretty pissed that they crippled me at first cause I was such a strong female character, and I didn't look like some fantasy striper. Sorry Diana."
"It's fine, they're giving me pants in the animated films."
"That's cause they're trying to keep it PG we all know people want to see you in that swimsuit. Anyways, I realized the potential I had and how many handicap people I could inspire. Being crippled didn't stop me as I stayed strong and continued to help you guys as much as I could ,even though I could never be in the field again. That was very inspirational to those who were in a situation like me. Buuuuut, screw it. That's too bad I guess. I can walk again!" Barbara shrieked with joy, running around the ice cream parlour.
"John, I'm so happy you broke up with Vixen so we could be together again." Shayerasaid with a smile.
"I'm happy too, I love you Shayera."
"Oh hey John, John Stewart right?" Asked Hal Jordan as he walked in the parlour.
"Uh yeah?"
"You're not a founding member anymore. I'm your replacement. Besides I'm such a cooler Green lantern. I mean I can beat your ass any day and I would be honoured to touch Diana's ass any day."
"You challenge me to fight mortal? Then let us fight!" Diana declared, drawing out her sword.
"Ok, everybody just calm down. Hal stop being such a jerk. Diana you need to calm down, and stop acting like a female Thor. That is not needed." Barry said, trying to keep things contained.
"Since when are you to keep things under control? You're usually the one who screws it up." Dick said. Barry just shrugged his shoulders and quietly sipped his triple berry milkshake.
"Ok let's move things along. Shayera you're not a founder or even in the league so you can go." Hal said, as Shayera disappeared.
"Bring her back!" John yelled, taking out his ring.
"It's time for you to leave anyways, John. I'm replacing you."
"That's not fair! Is it because I'm black? Cause I think we should have at least one black guy to even things out!"
"Got that covered. I'm the new black guy." Cyborg said as he crashed through the roof.
"He's much cooler than you, plus he was a football player so that makes him a cooler black guy then you. Bye john." John alike the others, disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Hey Diana, you think there's still a chance we could... be together?" Bruce asked Diana quietly.
"Why would an Amazon immortal warrior princess like myself be with a stupid mortal man like you? I am an Amazon! I don't have time for men or your stupid earth customs." Diana declared fiercely.
"That would have hurt, but Selina looks super hot in black leather sooooo, I'm cool with it." Diana glared at Bruce, letting out a huff of annoyance.
"Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, needed to wrap up a few things at the daily planet. Brought Lois with me." Clark said cheerfully, waking hand in hand with Lois.
"Lois is such an amazing wife, I can't imagine loving anyone else but her... Woah, Diana you look super hot right now. Like hotter than Lois. Want to date?"
"Sure. Only if you get rid of your well loved and icon girlfriend, Lois Lane, which will seriously piss off a lot of long time comic book fans. I mean, making the two strongest heroes in the world date? What could go wrong?"
"Sounds good. Maybe if they show us making out on a comic book cover, everyone will forget I used to date Lois." Clark said, throwing Lois out of the hole in the roof Cyborg made early.
"I thought J'onn was one of the strongest heroes on the planet." Wally said confused.
"Holy Poseidon and everything Atlantic! There's a monster in there!" Author screamed, running out of the bathroom.
"WARGHFH! MEERERGJFUUUDIP! I CAME FROM MARS TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!" J'onnboomed, crawling out of the bathroom in a giant mutated form.
"Holy shiz, what happened with J'onn?" Wally exclaimed, getting into a defensive stance.
"We can do it! We're the justice league!" Hal declared as every justice league member except for Superman jumped into action. After five minutes of fighting, J'onn was over powering the leaguers. Meanwhile Clark was chilling with Jason, lighting up a cigarette. The open flame caught one of J'onns many tentacles and J'onn went up in flames .Aquaman summoned 10 gallons of water and washed J'onn away to sea.
"Woah Clark you so defeated him! You're so strong! Diana exclaimed, hugging Clark.
"I may be strong, but the pain, anger and emptiness that weighs down my heart will always be stronger."
"Clark, what the hell?" You can't be dark and brooding too! That's Bruce's job. If Geoff thought that making you darker would make you more relatable then he is wrong. You're supposed to be like the bright happy symbol of hope and peace." Barbara said, crossing her arms.
"What can I say? Everybody wants to be like me." Bruce said with a smirk.
"I'm going to be dark for now on, cause when I was in elementary school no one picked me to be on their team for basketball. Plus Supergirl is a super hot girl from Krypton and turns out she's my cousin so I can't date her. My life is officially full of pain, and even though it never really bugged me before, it now does. I am no beacon of light, I'm just the blackout that will break down my city."
"No Clark, you're better than that. You can be the spark in the ashes." Diana said softly, looking into Clark's eyes.
"No I can't Diana. I can never live up to this symbol I wear."
"Oh for the love of... I liked you better when you were a grinning stupid Boy Scout. Suck it up and stop complaining. Geesh." Bruce grumbled.
"You know, I gotta say the Court of Owls was a really cool arc." Damian said.
"Uh duh. Scott Snyder wrote it. I admire how he doesn't really give a crap about the New 52. Like for sure he read the part where I randomly take of my mask but he didn't care. He's like nope I'm keeping him all trust issuey and dark. You know most of the bat family characters seems to be written perfectly normal.
"The reason why anyone related to you hasn't changed much is because fans would flip out and burn down DC headquarters and move to Marvel. I mean let's face it, you earn DC the most money in films, comics and merchandise. They can't change youcause-"
"CAUSE I'M BATMAN!' Bruce shrieked, interrupting Wally.
"Whoa, Bruce Wayne is BATMAN?" Hal exclaimed. Everyone looked at him, giving him crazy eyes.
"Uh yeah. You didn't know that?" Barry asked.
"Nope. According to Justice League #5, when Batman gives this huge really personal speech to me, and takes of his mask, I just stand there like an idiot and shout "WHO THE HELL IS BRUCE WAYNE?"
"He is like one of the most powerful men in the world! How the hell do you not know about him?" Jason asked.
"Whoa, Bruce Wayne is Batman?" One of the cashiers gasped.
"Uh... No.. No I'm not!' Bruce shouted.
"Yeah, yeah you so are!"
"Uh nope. I mean me Bruce Wayne BATMAN? That's uh, that's insane! Right guys?"
"Oh my god! I can't wait to tell my mom, then my pet bunny Missy, then-" Bruce threw a batarang, nailing the guy in the head, instantly killing him.
"Ohmygod! Whydidyoujustkillthatman!?" Wally shrieked.
"Well I broke one of my very personal rules about giving away my identity. And uh later on in the story I go back to normal, and act very dark and un trusting around the leagues. So, I didn't want another guy to know my secret."
"BUT YOU JUST BROKE YOUR ONE RULE!" Tim yelled.
"Whaaaat? Noooo he's still alive."
"Uh no. He has no pulse." Barbara said, knelling next to the dead man.
"Whaaaa? Noooo, he's still alive."
"You killed him." Jason stated bluntly.
"Ok fine! I killed him whatever. I broke one of my very personal rules about taking off my mask, no biggie if I break another rule right?"
"Why is it always about you! We're important too! I'm important! Not Everything is about you and Gotham. I can control fish! And do a lot of other cool stuff that for some insane reason no one cares about." Aquamanpouted.
"Let's all agree to disagree ok? I don't think we're seeing the forest for the trees. Maybe everything that has been happening is for the good. I mean, Superman andWonderwoman becoming a couple for instance, yes it seems insane. Lois Lane will be missed, but maybe it's time to let go of the past. It's a new time, and I think we should give this couple a chance. With Stephanie and Cassandra missing, you really think the writers won't bring them back? It only has been three years since the reboot and I'm sure they will appear later on when everything gets settled. " Bruce announced.
Everyone one in the shop nodded their head in agreement.
"And for Barbara, it's not like they just threw you out of the chair and pretended that nothing happened. Gail wrote about your survivor's guilt and handled you getting back into action very well. I think we are being too hard on this change."
"Yeah!" All of them cheered.
"I mean everything here make sense! Even my timeline. See, I'll show you guys everything that's happening in the New 52 is making sense. I was born in 1985, when I was 10 my parents were murdered in 1995. Everything makes sense. Then, Damian was born in 1999 in Batman & Robin #0, and... Wait. What the hell? Why is he born in 1999? WHAT THE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DC? I HAD AN INTERCOURSE WITH A RANDOM LADY I NEVER EVEN MET AT THE AGE 14? 14! AND WE DIDN'T EVEN USE PROTECTION? THAT IS WRONG. SO WRONG. HOW COULD I EVEN MEET TAILIA IF I WENT TO GO TRAIN IN THE MOUNTAINS IN 2000 BATMAN #0 AT AGE 15. BUT I HADDAMIAN AGE 14!? AND I LEFT THE HOUSE AT THE AGE 15! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUALFRED? OK, OK, calm down. Serenity now... The rest can't be that bad. According to Detective comics #0, I return to Gotham age 19 in 2004. So Jason comes back to life as Red Hood in 2009. But Dick becomes Robin in 2006, so does that mean Dick is only Robin for like one year before becoming Nightwing? Then Jason becomes Robin in 2006 also before dying then coming back to life three years later?"
"Hey what about me!" Tim complained.
"Right, right. According to DC, Tim attends Greystone Academy, which is middle school. In 2006? So I pretty much went through THREE Robins in one year? OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? HOW DID I MANAGED TO GO THROUGH THREE ROBINS IN A YEAR? And Barbara becomes Batgirl in 2006, quits being Batgirl in 2007 to focus on college!? Gets shot in 2008, three years later is back out crime fighting? So in 2008 I'm around 23, and Damian is nine years old. So going back to present time I'm like 29? Man, I am so young and Damian is already like 15!? What is HAPPENING! Well, at least all of my family is here, I don't know what I would do if I lost any of you."
"Oh sorry father, I just got killed off. Bye! Take care of batcow!" Damian said before vanishing.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD? WHY WOULD THEY KILL MY ONLY BLOOD RELATED SON? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY? DAMN IT. JUST. OMG. JUST SCREW YOU NEW 52. JUST SCREW YOU. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. I HAD INTERCOURSE WITH A LADY AT 14, WENT THROUGH THREE KIDS IN A YEAR AND I'M SOMEHOW ONLY 29? ARRRRRRRRRGH!" Bruce screeched, crashing through the wall of the parlour.
"Well, as long as we're together. Right guys?" Barry said sheepishly.
"Riiiiiiiiight. Guys I'm quitting the League. Gotta have more time with my babes. See ya." Hal said, flying out the ceiling, making another hole.
"Hey guys! It's Booster Gold! I'ma gonna be the new stuck up, smart ass guy to replace Hal!"
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooh shit." Everyone mumbled.
~The End~
This one shot was pretty messed up.
Ok it was really messed up.
All the facts about the comics books may not be completely accurate, and if not I apologize. :)