This chapter was quite hard for me to write so prior warning it might be hard to read.
I turned to look at Toby, relieved to see that he didn't look as furious as before. I should have known it would be short lived. He was never pleased for long.
He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me to him. I tried not to cringe at his touch. "I think that went well, apart from your little accident."
"What do you mean?" I shouldn't have questioned him. He pushed me away from him. I staggered back almost losing my footing. This angered him. "It's obvious you smashed those glasses on purpose, don't lie to me Tris." I didn't say anything. "You are always looking for attention, it's pathetic." He looked at me with disgust as he turned to head upstairs. "Clear up and come to bed when you're done."
The thought of being near him made me feel ill, let alone sleeping with him. Just breathe, you've done this for years. I reminded myself. Yes, I had loved him so sex used to come easy, but now things had changed and when he had been drinking things were worse– and he drank frequently. He was never gentle and always selfish. The only reprieve I got was when he was away on business trips, I had taken to sleeping in the guest room where the sheets didn't smell like him. I let his nasty words wash away as I took my time clearing up from the dinner, washing all the dishes by hand before drying and putting them away. I made sure each champagne flute and wine glass was polished to within an inch of their life. Eventually everything was done and I turned off all the lights downstairs as I made my way upstairs, hoping he had already fallen asleep.
He was ready and waiting for me when I walked l into the bedroom. Glass of wine in hand as he lay on the bed naked. I stood in the doorway, unable to move. I wanted to run but I knew I couldn't. "What are you doing? Come here" I remained where I was. He sighed, exasperated by my lack of cooperation. He got up and walked towards me, staggering slightly. He reached out and turned me around so my back was to him. His hands went to the zip on the back of my dress, he struggled with it and pulled too hard. The dress ripped under his hands as he hauled it off of me. I stood in front of him in my lingerie. I took a deep breath and shut down. This was not the first time. If I gave in I would be numb and it would be quick. If knew that if I dared to refuse him the pain would be so much worse. He wasted no time in tearing off my bra and pants, shredding my stockings in the process. I was bare, vulnerable. He pressed himself against my back, I could feel that he was already hard. He roughly pulled my hair to the side and crudely kissed down my neck. His hand groping my front as he turned himself on more and more. It never takes him long to get going. He took my hand and dragged me over to the bed, pushing me forwards so I was bent over in front of him. I dug my nails into the palm of my hand and squeezed my eyes shut, focussing only on that pain. He thrust into me, his movements sloppy from the alcohol. Tears slid down my face as he pushed into me again and again. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard all I could taste was blood. Soon it was all over. He moaned loudly and slumped against my back. I could feel his warmth inside of me. He pulled out of me and lay down on his back, already half asleep.
I stifled the tears "I'm going to go get cleaned up before bed." I told him, he grunted in reply. I walked to the bathroom, locking the door tightly behind me. I felt so repulsive, I needed to wash the smell of him off of me. I started the shower and got in straight away. I didn't care if the water was cold, I needed to get clean. I scrubbed and scrubbed at my skin until it was red raw. I caught my reflection in the mirror. My lipstick was smudged over my face, mascara running down my cheeks. My skin was sore from scrubbing and so scarlet that all my bruises blended in, but I could still feel them there. I leaned back against the cold tiles as I tried to catch my breath. I slid down until I was sitting on the floor of the shower, bringing my knees up to my chest. I didn't know how to feel. I felt numb. I rested my chin on my knees as the tears and the water from the shower ran together. I couldn't tell how hard I was crying until I felt my body shaking, gripped by pain.
My tears ran dry as the bathroom steamed up. I had been in here too long but couldn't bring myself to my feet to leave. I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes and thought of Eric. I could almost feel his lips on mine. The way his strong arms felt on my body – firm but gentle at the same time. He would never hurt me. His touch was soft and affectionate. I remembered the way he pressed his body against mine. My hand trailed down my body, between my legs as I started to touch myself softly. Heat radiated over my body. The sweet taste of his tongue, his hands in my hair. I could see him behind my eyelids coming closer, slowly unbuttoning his shirt as he looked at me with lust in his eyes. He kissed me softly, pulling my bottom lip between his teeth making me moan. My fingers worked faster.
"Eric!" I moaned as I came undone. Pleasure sweeping through my body, soothing all of my muscles one by one.
I sighed as I relaxed. I was exhausted – emotionally and physically. I closed my eyes as I let myself drift off