"Fuck, who's this hottie?"
Allen gasped and Lavi waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"…is totally what you're thinking, right?" he nudged Kanda, who abruptly closed his mouth and growled.
"No, I'm thinking I want to strangle this red headed bitch-kid that just touched me. How many times have I told you not to touch me?"
"Bet you wouldn't mind if Allen touched you," Lavi taunted, almost cackling as both boys turned a rather pleasant shade of tomato.
"And I also wouldn't mind if a chainsaw happened to touch your jugular while you were fucking asleep. Keep that in mind when you go to bed--"
"Wait, so you admit it?" Lenalee threw in. When Kanda gave her a 'what the hell are you talking about' look, she clarified: "I mean, didn't you just say you also wouldn't mind? Does that mean Lavi was right?"
"Lenalee don't be silly," Allen spoke before Kanda this time, laughing nervously, "and please don't say things that could endanger yourself, it'll be quite hard to protect you from Kanda's violent wrath in such a crowded place."
Lenalee shook her head. "You two are the silly ones," she muttered. "But whatever."
"…so can I get out of this ridiculous outfit?" Allen asked hopefully, "I don't care how modern it is, it looks like a dress--"
"That's because it is, dumbass," Kanda muttered, "can't you read the frickin' label? It's from the girls section."
Allen's face went from shocked mixed with disbelief to embarrassment and a subtle desire to kill. He finally turned to Lenalee with an agonized expression.
"Lenalee," he cried, "you said you wouldn't put me in a dress!"
"Oh but you're so cute!" Lenalee insisted, sighing when Allen's eyes finally got to her. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But you pulled it off better than I'd expected. The rest are actual outfits, I promise," she consoled her woeful friend. "You can go change too, Kanda," she added, "...I think you're scaring people."
Kanda gave Lavi a glare that plainly said 'I will kill you when Lenalee is out of the way, chop you up into little pieces using a spoon and then feed them to a piranha and then blow the damn fish up and-'
Well, you get the picture.
"Stop saying fucked up shit," he ordered the two conspirators before he stormed into the dressing room behind Allen.
He didn't get a chance to tell Allen that Lavi and Lenalee were talking bull as usual and he shouldn't listen to them; the teen had hurried into the dressing room to change (Kanda didn't blame him), and the sounds of his struggle with the dress caught Kanda's ears.
"Don't hurt yourself, beansprout," he teased as he headed into his own room.
The next outfit wasn't nearly as bad as the last. Kanda suspected Marie had picked this one, as it had his preferred colors of black and grays but there was enough color to please Lenalee. The dark-washed jeans fit well (and they were from the men's section this time, thank you very much), the collared shirt was a pale shade of steely blue, and the jacket was a dark turquoise number with a checkered pattern that he surprisingly didn't mind. Feeling somewhat decent, Kanda walked out of his stall at the same time Allen exited his.
Allen looked much more comfortable in tan corduroy pants, a dark green shirt and a cream colored sweater. It looked alright -- better than alright, but Kanda wasn't going to admit that -- but it didn't look very Allen. (The brown newspaper-boy hat was a nice touch, though).
Allen cleared his throat as an unvoiced question: well?
"You look like an idiot," Kanda stated finally.
Allen stared at him for a moment, before giving a brilliant smile. "You too," he replied pleasantly, completely without any annoyance or bite to his retort. Kanda arched a slim eyebrow.
"What the hell, are you that happy to get out of the dress? I just insulted you, dumbass."
"I know," Allen said, still smiling. "But you're talking to me, so I couldn't care less," he finished gently, leaving Kanda blinking after him as he left the dressing room.
"…fucking beansprout," Kanda breathed, shaking his head and clenching his fists by his side. "What the hell am I supposed to do with that?!"
"Kanda," Lenalee's voice called him from outside, "let's see yours now!"
"Allen says you look hot," Lavi put in, and Kanda could hear the evilness in his voice.
He could also hear Allen's high-pitched, affronted whine. "L-Lavi!" He allowed a smile that was more of a smirk before returning the annoyed look to his face.
"I'm coming, dammit!"
The trip to hell, er, the mall, was not wholly pointless. Kanda found two outfits he wasn't likely to shred once he got the chance, and Lenalee managed to fit Allen with almost an entirely new wardrobe.
Above mentioned young woman was busy informing Allen on how to mix and match, what not to wear on which day of the week, his particular 'color palette', whatever the hell that was, and other such things. She and her politely listening abductee were leading the way back to the exit, with Lavi and Kanda bringing up the rear.
Suddenly, Lenalee gasped and latched onto Allen.
"Shoes!" she exclaimed, wringing the poor boy's arm, "I totally forgot about shoes!"
"Oh hell no--" Kanda began, and she waved him off.
"Not you, I know you've at least got a decent pair of Converse in your closet and you can just borrow Komui's fancy shoes. But Allen," she turned to face him and very seriously said, "I cannot let you board that plane wearing the same raggedy pair you've had since high school."
"B-But Lenalee, they're fine…" Allen replied, scratching the back of his neck and looking down at his faithful shoes. They were dark gray even though the shoe was supposed to be white, the laces were shredded, and random pieces were missing for unknown reasons.
Lenalee gave him A Look and Allen sighed in defeat.
"Okay, so they're kind of beat up…but can't we do this some other time?" He glanced sideways at Lavi and Kanda. "I mean, I wouldn't want to keep those two here too, you know…"
Lenalee promptly tossed Kanda the car keys. "Fou's not here so you two should get home in one piece. Tell Komui that Allen and I will just take the subway home, or something."
"Will do, Lenalee darling." Lavi grinned, "Have fun Allen. Ciao!" He grabbed Kanda's arm and they very nearly ran out.
"Let go of me, freak," Kanda growled, wrenching his arm from Lavi's grasp as the redhead tugged him around the parking lot.
"So-o touchy today, Yuu," Lavi chastised, reflexively avoiding Kanda's fist. "Honestly, must you get so violent the second you are separated from Allen?"
"You really need to stop doing drugs," Kanda said with grave seriousness, "because it's fucking with your fucked up brain and fucking it up even more than before."
"Says the one still in fucking denial," Lavi replied, dancing out of Kanda's reach. "C'mon Yuu, nobody's here now, you can tell me. What the hell happened betwixt you and the little bean?"
"You really wanna know?" Lavi nodded eagerly. "Ab-so-lute-ly nothing," Kanda ground out, stalking to the car. He opened the door roughly and slammed it shut.
"Lenalee's gonna kill you if you hurt her baby," Lavi said, sliding into the passenger seat.
"Duly noted," Kanda replied dryly as he all but broke the parking brake while releasing it.
"But c'mon, Yuu," Lavi began again as Kanda drove out of the mall, "I've been your friend for like, ages. Don't try to lie to me, it's rather insulting." At Kanda's silence, Lavi continued. "Look, man, you know it's perfectly chill with me if your door swings both ways, if you get what I mean. Or if you just plain prefer dudes to chicks, that's cool too."
"You asshole--"
"But I think," Lavi interrupted smoothly with the air of someone about to make a great philosophical statement, "I think that you're just gay for Allen. Which is great, seeing as he's just as fruity for you too, seriously."
Kanda nearly snapped the steering wheel in half.
"Okay, seriously, what the fuck are you on, stupid rabbit?" Kanda half-yelled, "How do you know anything about this?"
"A-ha, so I'm right," Lavi grinned, catching the tell-tale hint of pink across Kanda's nose, "you do still have a crush on Allen. And he's like, in love with you, FYI. So what I fail to see here is why you two haven't hooked up yet. Which goes back to my question, what happened?" He could see Kanda debating his choices plainly on his face, so Lavi added quietly, "You can tell me, Yuu. You're kind of a mess about it, aren't you?"
Kanda narrowed his eyes.
"If you laugh," he began slowly, "or even look like you're going to laugh, want to laugh, or will laugh when I'm not around, I will disembowel you right here in this car and make you bleed all over the seats so that Lenalee will kill you when she finds out."
"Well if it isn't Tyki!" David exclaimed upon Tyki's entrance into the old Victorian home. The dark-haired twin slid down the sweeping banister, landing with surprising grace in the foyer. "You bastard, what took you so long?" He asked, hands on his hips.
"Yeah!" Jazz's voice rang from the staircase and not a moment later he followed his twin downstairs, sliding along the banister head first. He crashed into David from behind and the two ended up in a tangled heap on the floor. Using David's head to heave himself up, Jazz pouted up at his older cousin. "Why're you so late? It's been so boring since Uncle Earl put us under house arrest."
Tyki sighed as the twins stood and dusted themselves off. "What did you two idiots do this time?"
"Shot an old lady-"
"-on accident, though. And a kid on a bike-"
"-but that one was on purpose, 'cuz-"
"-that kid was one annoying little bitch-"
"-she ripped out my beautiful hair, so naturally-"
"-we had to pay her back."
"And then there was the hot tub incident-"
"Er, no details on that one, thanks," Tyki interjected hurriedly.
"But the last one was with a chicken farm," David concluded.
"A chicken farm," Tyki repeated, raising an eyebrow. "What the hell did you two do in a chicken farm? I didn't even know there were chicken farms in L.A."
"It wasn't our fault!" Jazz insisted, flailing his arms.
"Yeah, it was this red-headed bastard we met at a bar-"
"-and he left us his tab! Do you know how big that tab was?!"
"We're scarred for life!" they both cried, hugging each other, nearly in tears.
"…o-kay, still don't see what that has to do with a chicken farm, but I don't really care anyway," Tyki waved them off and turned to Rhode, who looked disappointed that Tyki hadn't already beaten up the two wailing twins. "Oi, Rhode, where's Uncle?"
"In the study," she replied with a delicate sigh.
"Lenalee, I think it fits!" Allen's voice nearly cracked with happiness. Finally, after three hours, he could see the light at the end of the tunnel!
"Really?" Lenalee put down a stack of boxes she had been carrying over. She motioned for him to stand and model the shoes (black leather boots that were on the tall side). With an approving smile, she proclaimed: "Great!"
"Can we go now?" he asked meekly, and she laughed and nodded.
"Yeah, let's."
Allen could have cried.
Tyki knocked on the imposing mahogany door to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb.
"Tyki!" the croaky voice of his uncle rang out in recognition, "My boy, come in, come in!"
"Good afternoon, Uncle Earl," Tyki greeted respectfully, shutting the door after he entered.
"How have you been? You look so thin. And what's with those clothes?" Uncle Earl peered over his round glasses. "You look like a hooligan."
"It's the new fashion, Uncle."
"You pay to look like a hobo?" his uncle asked disapprovingly, "Not in my house. Here." He tossed a very old-style jacket (coattails and all) and a familiar squashed top-hat at his nephew. "Put those on and look decent."
"Yes, yes. I'm not staying long though," Tyki said as he donned the 'respectable' clothes. "Rhode told me you had the documents?"
"Indeed, I do."
"Wonderful. So? The theme of the Cake Competition is…?"
"Oh, it's just the cutest thing," Uncle Earl gushed, with a strange chuckle.
"What is it?"
"You'll definitely have the advantage over the other unsuspecting contestants, Tyki dear."
"That's what I planned. Now would you tell me what it is? Er, please?" He hastily tacked on.
"Of course, that's why you came, isn't it? But first… I think we should have a nice family dinner."
Tyki groaned.
"I think I've done enough shopping for my entire life," Allen said with a weak laugh as they walked to the subway station.
"Ha-ha, sorry Allen. Fou's not a fan of shopping either, so it's been a while since I've had someone to shop with."
"It's alright, let's just…not…do it again for a while, okay?"
"As long as you don't wear that museum worthy outfit again, I promise I won't drag you back."
"Deal."
They shared a moment of easy laughter and lapsed into comfortable silence until they reached the station. As they waited for the train to arrive, Lenalee spoke again.
"Hey, Allen?"
"Yeah?"
"You still don't know why Kanda was all pissed off?"
"No… do you?"
"No. But with any luck, Lavi'll find out."
"I hope he does. And soon."
"Mhm. He will."
"…wait…is that why we went looking for shoes?"
"Hmm?"
"So that Kanda and Lavi could talk?"
Lenalee allowed the hint of a smile.
"Who knows?"
"…Lenalee, you dragged me around a mall for three hours for that?!"
"But you got really cute shoes, didn't you?"
A/N: Whaaat, she updated Ace of Cakes before Sugar Free?!
Hope you peeps don't mind too much. Lots of stress equals me writing crackish things. Sugar Free requires too much brain power at the moment. Heh...
SO. About Kanda opening up so easily, well, in this fic, he's already acknowledged he likes Allen to himself, so he's over that stage. And then he and Lavi like...grew up together, so they're supahclose. That's my reasoning. Just go with it. :P
Well, now you know what those superspecialawesomesecret documents were... and OMG, TYKI'S A CHEATER?!
As a closing note, I love the Noah family. They're so freaking amusing. Expect more of Rhode, Jazz, David and maybe even summore Uncle Earl. I'm debating if I should include Skinn (who if you remember from chapter uno, was Kanda and Lavi's teacher in high school, lolz) and Lulubell. Whatchyoo guys think?
Oh ya: LOVE TO MY REVIEWERS. You make life wonderful. :3