Chapter 3

My heart caught in my throat and I shivered.

The wolf kept its grey eyes on me and sniffed me, making no move to attack. Did he want to eat me? Maybe he wanted to feed its pups.

I wouldn't mind being food for the wolf. I would help him become taller and stronger and live through the winter instead of dying. It would be an honest death and maybe some part of me would forever live inside him and be a part of a pact.

How much I longed for that! To be accepted and loved, to be surrounded by creatures that cared for you and would be sad to let you go, creatures that did not care how you looked but what you were capable of and if it would contribute to the pact.

Would anyone miss me if I was gone? Would anyone search for me?

I doubted that.

If the wolf didn't eat me my life would continue being painful and sad but the life of the pups would change forever once they had tasted me. I swallowed and made my decision which was not an easy one but hoped that it would free me.

I extended my arm towards the wolf and lay on the ground making it even easier for it to kill me. The only thing I wished now was that it would end quickly.

I closed my eyes but felt warm breath on my fingertips and then moisture.

My eyes snapped open only to see the wolf licking my fingers. My mouth must have popped open but I quickly recovered.

Yet I left my hand where it was and saw the wolf coming closer and closer to me to nuzzle my hand. Warmth and comfort radiated from the wolf and I couldn't help myself but let it seep in me. I touched the wolf's face and its ears drew back. He came closer and he sat close to me where his fur was against my skin warming me. Its scent was musky and it reminded me of pines but it was an honest smell.

I hugged the wolf closer to me and it did not protest. His face was resting on my lap now and both of my hands were on it, scrubbing his fur. Images started popping in my head and suddenly I could smell and hear things that were close and far away touching a material which was wet and cold but still some warmth came from it.

I could hear the drop of rain falling on the ground and each one of them seemed like a thunder. I could smell blood from the person close to me but I did not want to eat it rather lick it away and make the pain disappear. Pine needles were clouding the space and when I opened my eyes I saw a human, a very white one that looked like snow. Even its hair was white. I gently got up on my four legs and tried to readjust my position only to sit better on the creature's lap as its finger were stroking my fur…

I opened my eyes again and I could see the wolf on my lap, with its eyes closed, sniffing happily. I looked down and saw my arms and fingers that had a color as white as snow. The wolf was grey instead and it was a strange comparison.

My heart seemed to beat louder.

What had just happened?

I could hear my stomach growling, my skin tingling from the welcome warmth and my elbow throbbing but I still caressed the wolf's head and images flashed in my mind again, this time of spirals and blues and calming thoughts while my senses were oversensitive and the odor of blood as clear as a calm lake.

I was hungry again and the smell of blood made me hungrier but I would not touch the creature opposite me. I saw images of a stony place where the smell of food was intoxicating and dark colored humans stood. It was close enough and it would feed my belly enough to keep me a week from hunting …

I snapped my eyes open again. Had that been me or the wolf? Where had the image come from? Never in my life had I been in that place before.

The wolf on my lap stretched and yawned. My stomach rambled. The wolf had been thinking of a monastery and indeed there would be food and warmth. But where was that? I can't remember ever hearing about it or even seeing it …

I still couldn't believe what I was experiencing. Probably my mind was too tired and exhausted and was making things up but it wouldn't hurt to try.

My hands gently pressed on the animal's head and I could feel myself inside the wolf. I could feel the wolf inside there as well but there was some space for me.

The wolf accepted my presence without objecting and I welcomed the easy flow of thoughts. The wolf was still thinking of food and I couldn't help but agree. I was careful to pay attention to the details and soon I had a clear idea of where the monastery was. I returned to my own self only to see the wolf rising as if expecting to leave soon. I got up as well and followed the wolf as it walked away from the cave. My legs hurt but the wolf wasn't going too fast, as if waiting for me. I put some of my weight on its back and it didn't protest.

I could not understand what was going on, how a wild wolf seemed so tamed, how I could be in the wolf's head…

The forest appeared the same as when I was in the wolf's head but with smaller details. Rain was still dripping and by now it was late afternoon. Yet I followed the wolf until we reached a river, crossed it and got to the other side where a few buildings stood.

The wolf had been right. The smell of food emitted from it and the promise of warmth was very inviting. The wolf walked to the door of the monastery where an old man opened it and casually touched the wolf's head.

"You again, hmm? Here for some food?" he asked gently and then he seemed to notice me.

My knees shook. The man gave a cry.

"Dear child are you okay? Come inside where it's nice and warm! Where did u get your wounds from?" he asked all at once and he came to where I was and took my hands. I tried to follow him but my legs gave way and he picked me up instead. He seemed a good man but I could trust him no more than the person who was supposed to be my father.

However he had given food to the wolf and maybe he could spare me something as well.

I was placed on some sort of bed where it was nice, warm and comfortable and I wanted to cry from the pleasure. An old woman sat next to me and my eyelids flattered from exhaustion. She started touching my bruises where it hurt the most but I let her. I had given up and no matter how they hurt me they would not break me.

She gently touched my elbow where it hurt quite a lot and despite my earlier thoughts I still gave a small cry. She seemed troubled and she put a white cloth somewhere and then something like a cream on my bruises.

For the blood on my legs she did nothing more than to cover it.

"What is it?" I couldn't help but ask but my voice was croaked.

"It's your monthly blood, dear" she said gently. I did not understand. Did she mean that from now on I would have to bleed once a month whenever he hurt me?

I shivered and she touched my head.

"You have a small fever" she said and brought some cold cloths. I recoiled.

"No, not cold. I am hungry" I said but still I did not beg. I would never beg.

The old woman brought a plate of something warm and gently pressed it to my lips. It was warm, watery and tasty and despite my exhaustion I couldn't help but eat it all. The food stopped the rumbling and made me feel warmer but still I shivered.

The woman looked concerned now and pressed the wet cloths on my brow. She spoke gently and quietly with the man I had seen before and I couldn't make out their words. I thrashed and my body quivered. I wanted to cry.

I had endured the beating, the taunting, the cold, the rain and yet here I was being helped by two people I had never met before. They didn't care about my appearance or if they did they hid it well. The woman, I realized, had white hair the same color as mine but whereas hers was a sign of old age mine was a sign of demon blood, if the magician was to be believed.

Another tremor shook me, harder than the one before and I felt as if I was on fire, a very unpleasant feeling. The fire was spreading everywhere in my body. It had begun from my head and still spreading. I could feel it at the tips of my fingers now and I hated it, I hated every part of it.

"Make it stop" I shouted at the old woman, not begged, asked. I closed my eyes willing the sensation to go away but it wouldn't.

"Drink this" she said and pressed a cup to my lips. Its taste was bitter and I wanted to retch the moment it touched my lips but still I kept drinking it until the very last drop reached my belly. Spasms now rocked through me and I had cramps in my stomach. Whatever it seemed she had given me it wasn't making things easier.

I cried out and felt tears under my eyes.

"It will be painful but it will be over much quicker that way" she promised and I had no other choice but to believe her.

I tried to leave the pain behind and curl into a corner of my mind as I often did when my body was being abused. It seemed to work because I no longer felt pain.

My senses once more were oversensitive and I could smell food nearby. Most of my hunger had been sated by what the man had given to me but I wanted more if I could get it. I walked around the house as the rain still fell on my fur and I shook it of annoyed. There was a glass somewhere and I tried to look inside for more food, sniffing. What came into my nose though was not food but the smell of blood and sickness and the sweet odor of the girl I had found in the forest. I peered inside and stared at the white haired girl who was moving on the bed.

That's when I realized that I was actually looking at myself and that my consciousness had somehow mingled with the wolf's. How easy it would be to forever be a wolf and live my human body behind. I would never again have to endure the beating and the taunting and I would live in the forest. I would always have company. The wolf's, whose body I occupied, and maybe some of its pack. We would hunt in the winter for food and if we didn't find some we would be hungry but still content and happy.

Hadn't I been pleased to be a part of the wolf before? It seemed my wish was coming true somehow.

But then I looked at the old woman's face, the concern, the fear and the way she was holding my hand as if her life depended on it. Before there would have been no one to grieve for me but now I realized there would. Even though I didn't know the woman and she did not know me I knew that she cared, something I found surprising.

No. I refused to give up. I still had a human body lying on the bed and no matter how broken, how ugly, how distorted it was, it was still my body and I would fight for it.

I allowed myself to stay inside the wolf a little more until most of the girl's tortures had ended and she seemed to be asleep. That's when I slipped away from the fur and into the human skin only to be surrounded by darkness.