Authors Note & Warning: This is yet again in Jacob's point of view. The last chapter was kind of letting you know how his life was now. So, hopefully this chapter will delve into their relationship. Obviously, Jake's character is a little bit of a sex addict and an alcoholic. EXPECT, sex & drunken stupors. Also, I'm going to post a play list that I have so far that I'm using. Yes, the entire story is based on a single song, but I needed a little more perception than just that song. So, check my profile!
"Would you tell me that you'd missed me too and that you'd been so lonely
And you waited for the day that I returned.
And we'd live in love forever and that I'm your one and only
Or would you say the tables finally turned?"
Jacob
No one really asked any questions. They all seemingly knew I meant business – Quil especially. The silly little dumbass blonde didn't seem to get the picture right away. Apparently, we'd have to do it the hard way.
"C'mon, Jake, you don't really want me to leave, right," she slurred her words and slid her tongue across her lips. She puckered them at me and raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You know you want me, Jake."
A surge of anger flooded me. My arms restricted themselves into my sides, and my fingers clenched into fists. I thought I'd told her to not call me that again. I'm pretty sure I made it damn clear. I gritted my teeth.
"Listen, Blondie," I spat. "I told you to not call me that. Didn't I? But, no, you and you're little cunt sisters have to try and piss me off. So, here's an idea, slut, run back home where you're daddy used to beat your useless piece of shit of a mother and never, ever come back here again. Got it, tramp?"
Quil knowingly jerked the blonde by the arm out the door. He eyeballed me. "Look man, did she really deserve that?"
The real Jacob knew she didn't, but this Jacob didn't care. I just needed some time to myself before Bella arrived. Even the Jacob I was now didn't usually get this angry. I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but I knew what caused it. The cause was the petite, sweet, beautiful Bella that I knew and loved inside and out no matter what she'd done to me. It didn't matter that she'd told me I didn't offer her what she needed. It didn't matter that she was meant for someone else. All that mattered was that precious little person was coming to see me, Jacob Black. So, I had to put my best face forward. I couldn't react the way I just did toward Bella. I wouldn't react that way. No way, no how.
No one really seemed to get it except my brothers – that was only because they lived inside my head. They hadn't so much recently, but for the worst parts, they were there unwillingly. Quil seemed to understand the most, mainly, because he witnessed Bella and I together on many occasions. He, also, was my best friend outside of the pack. So, when we weren't phased, he had to hear my thoughts anyway. Quil was more than a wolf brother to me. He was my brother – in a non-bloodline kind of way.
I suppose that's why Quil always interjected when I lost my temper. He knew I'd listen to him. Sam's control over me stopped the day I became Alpha. I knew I didn't have to listen to his orders any longer. That strained the relationship I had with him. Sam had been the first to phase. Thus, he had more experience. He was wiser in a sense. I was genetically chosen to be the Alpha male, but Sam had the experience. I could never counter that, and it bugged me a little…most days.
Sam would still try to talk to me when I was being especially difficult. Mostly, though, he just stood to the side and glared at me in disappointment. I wasn't appointed as "Alpha" until after Bells had left. Everyone knew that I was going to be Alpha someday, but the day it happened was one of the worst days of my life.
"Jacob," Billy knocked at my door.
I was much too tired to deal with him. I'd been up most of the night trying to forget about…her. To no avail, I realized that I couldn't. As much as I told myself I could, I simply would never forget her. Ever.
Billy knocked on the door with a loud pound. My head hurt. My eyes burned. My body ached. She was being ripped from my being one tiny little string at a time. So, the bottle had become my companion now. Jose replaced Bella. Bella, however, had a much better physic and those memories I couldn't escape either.
Billy pounded the door again. "Jacob Ephraim Black." He yelled.
Fuck it. I didn't care. Let him scream and beat my door down. There was no way in hell that I was going to get out of this bed – unless Bella herself came and yanked me out of it. I could picture her now trying with all her might to pull me by the arm from my bed. She'd huff. Her face would flush with anger. I'd laugh, but that would only anger her more. Finally, she'd give up and disappear only to return with an ice cold cup of water which she angrily would dump onto my face. That would get me up. It had gotten me up plenty of mornings when I'd refused to wake up, because I didn't want to be without her. Ha! Like that fucking mattered now.
My heart thudded in my chest, and I felt another string's hold snap. I whimpered and covered my head with the pillow. "Go away, Billy." I growled.
I didn't call him Dad anymore. I'm not sure why. I suppose I blamed him for this. However, I was unsure of how it could possibly be his fault, but he lived here. So, he could brunt some of the left over pain I had.
"Damn it, boy, I have had it up to here with your depressing mood," Billy jerked my door open. "Get out of that bed. The tribal council wants to speak with you ASAP."
"I don't give a fuck what the tribal council wants." And I didn't. No one cared what I wanted, so why should I give two shits what they wanted?
"Do not speak that way about our ancestors, son. I, simply, won't put up with that. There's only so much I can deal with, boy." Billy's voice echoed the frustration in the air.
I'm not sure what it was about him calling me boy, but it caused me to jump from my bed. I cursed loudly. My voice growled with anger. I'm not even sure what I said or how the words formed, all I remember is it was the first time I saw fear in my father's eyes.
"I'm not your fucking boy. I'm not a god damned boy. I am a grown fucking man, and all I hear is your stupid, ignorant complaints about how I don't do anything. Well, you know what, Dad," I stopped when I felt the anger bubble in me and a shiver flew down my spine. I was about to phase any moment, but as much anger as I had, I simply could not hurt my father. So, I picked up the nearest thing to me – which just so happened to be the couch - and threw it as hard as I could.
"Fuck you're stupid tribal council. Fuck being the Alpha son that you want so badly. That's why I'm here right now, you belligerent fuck. That's why I'm here and she's out there somewhere without me."
I dropped to my knees. I covered my face with my fists. I pressed my fisted fingers as hard as I could into my temples. Maybe, if I squeezed hard enough, I would be the first werewolf in history to kill himself. Tears stained my cheeks as the weight and realization of losing Bella weighed heavy on my shoulders. I grabbed the end table next to me and jerked it across the room.
The window crashed onto the floor as the table sailed through it. Shards of glass pelted me. Fear struck me. If I was covered in glass, then that meant Billy must have been too. I hadn't been cut – not one tiny scrape, but Billy was covered in slices, rips, and scrapes. Gaping wounds bled across his face. He sat, shocked. And, I mimicked his shock. I was fearful of what I could do – of what I was becoming. It was all too late. I wasn't becoming anything. I had become a monster in just a few short days.
I crumbled to the floor like the broken glass. I was gone.
The memory hit me like a boulder. A sting in my chest welled up tears. To this day, I was still ashamed of my reaction. Billy eventually had me calmed down enough to see the council, and thankfully, he didn't mention my obtrusive comments about them. That day was the last day Billy stayed in the house.
A tear stumbled down my cheek. Did she know what she really did to me? I don't think she understood the weight she placed on my shoulders. Sure, I was the Alpha, and I was physically a man. But the hurt she caused me stripped me of my manhood. Perhaps that's why I did all of this – acted this way. It was just some way of me trying to prove to myself and I was indeed a man.
I sighed, and looked at the clock. I had 30 minutes before I'd hear the old familiar roar of the truck. With the time I had, I decided to clean up a bit. I had time to pick up the empty bottles of liquor, the crushed bear cans, and the hot pink panties lying across my kitchen table. I tossed it all into the trash secretly hoping I could toss the Jacob I was now out with yesterday's news. I breathed in heavily and exhaled the breath into my mouth. It escaped through the corners of my lips. A rumble came from outside.
I glanced at the clock. I'd only managed to waste 10 minutes. It couldn't be her already. I sniffed the air. A quick, fragrant, bubble gum and musky smell rose to my nostrils. Great. I smelled like that dumbass blonde. I'm sure Bella wouldn't be able to smell her scent on me, but I couldn't stand the thought of her knowing my escapades just moments before she reached out to me. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth together. Of course, she'd have to know eventually. Eventually.
Escaping into the shower was probably one of my better decisions this evening. The hot water eased the tension in my muscles. I stood under the water for what seemed like an hour. I wondered if I could really do this. Maybe it was a little too late to be apprehensive now. I closed my eyes and pictured her porcelain face, her brown eyes, and her crimson cheeks. I had to prepare myself. I couldn't let her see me react to just seeing her. My stomach knotted up in a ball. This was really happening.
I shut the water off and dried with a towel. I dressed slowly trying to let more time pass by, and maybe trying to avoid the whole situation. I was buttoning my jeans when I snapped my head up. The screen door slammed shut. My breath caught. My throat closed. This was really going to happen.
I swallowed as hard as I could and tried evening my breathing out. The tears that were begging to fall, I swiped away with the back of my hand.
Don't let her see you cry. I promised myself I wouldn't. I grabbed the brown t-shirt on the edge of the sink and stretched it over my head.
"Ja…Jake," her voice broke my robotic movements.
I glanced to the bathroom door. My eyebrows raised like I was answering her with my facial expressions. I chewed at my jaw and breathed. I could do this. I could. I just had to be…brave. I grumbled at myself for the lamest pep talk in the history of man. I straightened out my t-shirt nervously. My hand shook as I reached for the door knob. I twisted it as quickly as I could and stepped out of the door before I could detain myself any longer. I probably looked like an idiot as I took two quick steps through the door frame. The door slammed shut causing a puff of wind to breeze past me. I hadn't meant to slam the door.
Her sweet face quickly turned in my direction. And it all came back to me like a ton of bricks – the days we'd spent making love, the hours we'd spent talking, the fights we'd have, the promises we'd made. It all came back so quickly.
She stood across the kitchen looking at me in bewilderment. She hadn't expected this day to happen just as I hadn't. It was just as much of a surprise to her as it was me that I was really standing here right now remembering the crook of her neck, the twist of her hips, and the curve of her breast. I shook my head slightly to keep those images from my mind.
I'd had myself trained to only look at women in a physical sense. Bella wasn't just a woman. She was Bella. I stared at the floor ashamed of the memories that had come flooding back. I lifted my eyebrows and glanced at her through my eyelashes.
"S'sorry about the….uhh…door…uhh…slamming," I managed to say those few chopped up words.
"It's okay," she nodded her head and waved it off like it was nothing. She smiled nervously. I imagined she didn't know what to say or do either.
I summoned up enough courage to look at her again. This time, I looked at her to see if she'd changed, but to my amazement not much had changed. The lines on her face were eerily the same as the day she'd left. Her lips were just as pink. Her hair just a tad bit longer. My eyes traveled down her body shamlessly. She had matured more in her frame. She was no longer a lanky clumsy teenager, but a strong, independent woman. She may have put on every bit of 10lbs, but it suited her. And I liked it.
There was only so much I could read just looking at her appearance. I knew that if I wanted my question answered, then I'd have to look into her eyes. In her eyes, I would be able to tell if she'd learned her lesson, and if she could truly understand her unrelenting words. But, I didn't know if I had that much courage. I didn't know if my heart would be stable enough. A part of me secretly feared that Bella would be able to see the things I'd done, learned, or not learned while she was gone. I was terrified to look into her eyes. So, I watched the floor.
"Jake," the name I loved to hear her say rang in my ears. "You don't have to worry. I don't bite."
A smile crept across my face. Her attempt at joke to lighten the mood was warmly welcomed. I let a laugh cackle from my chest.
"I might," I teased almost as if nothing ever came between us. My words were light with humor. "Have a seat." I wanted her to feel welcome, obviously, she would always be welcome here.
She turned toward the couch. My stomach clenched. "Uh, Bells, why don't we sit at the table. The couch isn't as in as good of shape as it was." Then, my heart sank. That was where I'd found those lacey hot pink panties. God, did I really have no shame anymore?
I walked to the kitchen counter and grabbed a paper towel. Quickly, I squirted it with some dish soap and wetted it down. I wiped down the table before she could reach it. I'm sure I looked like a crazed lunatic just wiping things down without an explanation. She'd get it soon enough. I was sure.
I tossed the paper towel in the trash and victoriously, it landed right on top of those stupid hot pink panties that'd had me so horny earlier. I didn't even like hot pink. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the table. Bella simply raised her eyebrows at me.
"It was just, uhh…Quil spilled syrup earlier and I hadn't cleaned it up yet. You know. It's uhh..sticky," I rambled out some sort of excuse. I smiled and glanced at her. She didn't question it, so I took my seat across the small round table from her.
"So…" Bella tried to keep the conversation going. She bit her lip and clutched at her purse sitting in her lap.
I felt like an ass. Where were my manners? It'd been too long since I'd used them. "Can I take your coat and purse?" I sounded like some doorman. At least if this Alpha male thing didn't work, I knew I had a calling in the doorman business.
"Sure, sure," she incoherently mumbled my trademark saying.
My cheeks flushed and I flashed her a deep, genuine grin. I loved that she said that. My heart thudded in my chest, and a pain slid in between the beats. I felt the familiar burning in my chest. It slowly began to creep its way up to my eyes. I felt a single tear begin to form in the corner of my eye. Thankfully, she had stood up and was concentrating on unbuttoning her coat. I blinked the tear from my eye. When it didn't go away, I quickly wiped it way with the back of my hand. I sniffed back the burning in my nostrils.
Her scent spread through me like a raging fire. I closed my eyes and tried to remember if it was still the same. And it was. She still smelled like my Bella. I opened my eyes when I heard her shuffling to turn back around.
"Thanks," she smiled weakily.
I walked her coat and purse to my room and tossed it on my bed. It was still sacred. I'd laid no one else there. Only, Bella. There were only a few places this place had left that didn't reek of my unruly behavior. The first place was my bed, and that was only because her scent still lingered there. I couldn't give that up. The second was the garage. Something inside of me dared not to go in there. Everything beamed Bella. Funny that it used to be my favorite place to be. Now, it only reminded me of how Bells and I started. How I'd began to piece her soul back together one tiny little fragment at a time.
When I returned to the kitchen, Bella had already taken her seat. She was wringing her hangs together with worry, apprehension, and fear. Glad to know I wasn't the only one with such feelings. As I took my seat across from her, her eyes grazed across mine searching for something.
My throat closed in on itself. Her eyes were red. She'd been holding it all back too. I couldn't help but breathe out an exasperated breath. "Bella."
"Jake," she whimpered reaching across the table for my hand. I stared down at it wondering if it was simply that easy. Did she think it was that easy? Well, it wasn't. I wasn't going to let this just slide by like I had with so many other things. I couldn't just let this slide by. It had taken everything I had in me to not grab her hand and yank her across the table to me. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back. I'm sure I looked like an asshole. I felt like one.
She simply retracted her hand like a lawyer would retract an inexcusable argument in the court of law. I bit the inside of my bottom lip, and decided to take an approach that wasn't like the Jacob she knew.
"So, you wanted to talk," I blankly stated. I wanted to hear what she had to say. Since, I the man with no balls, could not look her in the eye for fear of her learning my choice of lifestyle.
"Yeah," she whispered almost not knowing how to respond.
"Then talk," I coldly stared at the table.
"I can't. Jake, why are you…"
"Why am I what?" I bit back the resentment.
"Why are you being like this?"
"Like what, Bella," the anger dripped through my voice. My eyebrows furrowed and my forehead scrunched.
"Like this, Jake!"
God, enough with that name! I was not Jake anymore. A rumble of anger and resentment welled up in the pit of my stomach. But I swallowed hard. Now was not the time to let her see me angry. I needed to hear what she had to say.
I rolled my eyes and leaned onto the table. My arms in a triangle shape nearly crossing the entire table. I pressed my palms together and stared at my thumbs.
"What did you expect, Bella?" I almost whimpered.
"I have no expectations, Jake. All I want is for you to hear me out," she, strangely enough, sounded strong and honest.
I was caught off guard by her statement. "Then, you couldn't have just done this over the phone? You had to come all the way back here to do it?"
"Yes," she answered confidently.
"Why?" I questioned.
"I owe you that much. After all I put you through, Ja…," she began to say it, but stopped. "After all I put you through, the least I could do is explain why I did what I did." She paused. I felt her staring at me, but I couldn't bare to look up. "Jacob, please look at me."
Her words haunted me and tantalized me. She had me under her spell, and I would do whatever she wanted me to do tonight. That was already apparent seeing as how I'd given up on fucking a dumbass blonde and kicked everyone out just to have a heart breaking conversation with my ex-girlfriend. So, I looked up.
And I was lost. Her soul screamed at me. It pleaded at me to listen. The brown pools I'd gotten lost in so many times before begged me to just listen. I knew what she was going to say before she said it. Her eyes told a story of regret, love, regret, pain, regret, fear, growth. I could read every bit of the last 2 years 4 months 5 days and 2 hours in her eyes. I swallowed hard and wondered what she saw in mine. I broke her trance and glanced at the table.
"And how much I regret it each and every single day that I breathe," her words formed bubbles in mid air. They floated to me and melted into my chest – the exact spot where my heart used to reside.
"I miss you, Jacob. I…I…know you're different now. I know things are different. But, can't we at least…," Bella's words became sparse and they didn't meet my ears. I was spinning in my own mind. My hands shook nervously. I watched them twitch and tremble with each passing second. If I could just hold it all in until she left, then I could just let it all out. I could finally break.
Bella lifted her small porcelain hand and rested it on top both of mine. Her words were circling me. I watched them float out of her mouth, float through the air, and spin in front of me like a whirlwind. My ears rang and burned with fear. My heart trembled and quaked. And the all familiar sting burned in the corners of my eyes. My entire body was shuddering with all the many feelings I'd stuffed down over the years.
"Do you know that I've counted the days, Jake? It's been 2…"
I joined her. "…years, 4 months, 5 days…"
She stopped.
"And 2 hours." I spoke the last part alone and quiet. My eyes steadily looked up from my hands and to hers. Tears stained my cheeks. I'd long forgotten to suppress them. I sniffed back a sob.
"Oh, Jake," she bellowed out a giant sob and melted into herself. She wrapped her arms around her torso. I imagined this is how she consoled herself over the years. "I'm so sorry."
I was up and out of my chair in seconds. I reached her side and knelt next to her sobbing body. Although she had hurt me worse than anyone ever could, I still felt the need to console her, to protect her. I wrapped her in my embrace and let go of my pride. Now that my pride was out of the way, the tears freely and fluently flowed out of my eyes. And I wanted nothing more than to be alone and take all of this in, but not now. I couldn't. She'd come all this way. If only I could have just let my pride go a long time before she came around.
But, I couldn't just let her back in my life like that. I couldn't! She'd ripped a hole in me the size of Earth, and I couldn't just let her try to fill it in one night. But, I could try to change. I could fix myself. She could work on her, well, issues. And then, maybe someday, we could be together again – a better Jacob and Bella, a stronger Jacob and Bella.
Maybe. The hardened prick inside of me screamed. I knew it wouldn't be that easy.