AN: I know I have taken my godawful time for this, and I know that I will lose many of you with this. More Faberry action coming, but for now? Embracing the drama. Also, I have pretty supergreat news. Things are slowing down with school now. And this means, that I will be able to finally do the frequent update thing again! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But write down how much you hate me in a review! :D Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or anything I may refer too.
I cannot say this enough: Thank you for every follow-mail and every review that you have granted me. If you're reading this, but you haven't come out of your review-closet yet, do. I didn't at first, until I started writing myself, and realized just how SUPER AWESOME it is. Both to review and to get a review. Because when you review, you know you're thanking the writer in the best way you can. When I get a review, good, bad or ugly, I'm a freaking light bulb that someone cared enough to tell me what they thought.
I hope you enjoy this chapter :)
Rachel was sitting in the corner to the far left, by the window, staring out of it like she was searching for someone. She walked over, and Rachel turned her head at the sound of clicking heels. Quinn smiled at her and Rachel gestured at the seat across from her.
"Make yourself comfortable."
She took off her coat, ordered her coffee, crossed her legs and let her eyes meet Rachel's, who raised an eyebrow.
"You most certainly look ready for battle, so to speak."
"I didn't come here on war path. But I do need to speak with you, seriously. We have grown up since High School, and we need to discuss the situation like the adults that we are, instead of a couple of lust-struck teens."
Rachel's eyebrow raised a little more, before she tangled her hands together and gave Quinn an open smile.
"You are absolutely right, of course. We were not thinking clearly last night, at least I can say that about myself and I have a feeling that you weren't either. So, what is it exactly that you have to say to me?"
"Actually, you were the one who texted me, remember? Which means that you must have something to say to me."
"True. But are you sure that you want to hear it?"
"I'm 23. I think I can handle it."
"Don't take pride out of your age, Quinn. I know that I am still very young, and so are you, and just because you're 23 doesn't mean you can handle it."
Quinn rolled her eyes. One of the many things in which they were absolutely opposite. Rachel liked to drag things out, while Quinn's patience is always little, or almost average on a good day.
"Alright. Thank you, Rachel. Now, bring it."
"Somehow I don't believe that I have truly conveyed my message, but you are right when you say that there are more pressuring matters at hand. And since I was the one to contact you, I guess it's my turn first."
A small smile played around Rachel's lips, and Quinn was reminded of their relationship; they always took turns when one of them needed to know something.
"Where to start? First of all Quinn, I honestly do not believe that last night was a mistake, it was one of the best nights I have ever had in fact, and there is no regret on my part. I hope you agree with me on that."
The silence that occurred when Rachel paused, awaiting her answer, wasn't filled by Quinn's voice so instead she continued:
"Also, I meant everything that I have said to you. I know that you know that that's true, since you have seen me drinking before, and especially then am I not someone who lies just to get people in the sac, although I have become unfortunately honest on past occasions, I'll be the first to admit that. I have missed you an awful lot, Quinn Fabray. I have missed having you in my life, having you around me. I can honestly say that my life changed that day that you came to stay with me, and all of it was for the better, if not the best. In hindsight, last night we might have taken things a little slower. It would have been better if we would have taken it down a notch, although I'm not entirely sure if I could have done that, since not only emotionally but also physically I have missed you."
Quinn blinked before doing a little recap in her mind. She found out that it helped clearing things up, if she translated Rachel's words to something a little simpler. Also, it made Rachel sound a little less like Rachel, and if there was anything Quinn could do to make Rachel less Rachel right now, she'd take it. She didn't need the guaranteed flutters and butterflies and heart-melting that came with the concept of Rachel. Recap. What had she said?
"Last night was awesome. I was drunk, but I meant it. I missed you. You bettered my life. It went fast, but I probably couldn't have changed it."
Nope. Definitely nothing about the now or the future in there. Which was why she came here in the first place.
"Rachel, thank you. But I mostly want to talk about what we're going to do now."
"You didn't answer."
"Was there a question?" She had heard many questions underneath Rachel's words, but she wasn't going to make this easy.
"Do you regret it?" Rachel looked scared like a bird. A beautiful, frightened, wide-eyed chestnut haired bird.
"Are you sure you want to hear it?"
Quinn didn't miss Rachel's moment of doubt, before replying: "Yes."
"I'm not sure yet."
Rachel nodded slowly, not entirely succeeding in hiding the hurt in her eyes.
"Fair enough, I guess. So, the future. Let me put it to you simple."
"How unlike you. I can't wait to hear this." A smirk was starting to spread across Quinn's face, but it stopped before reaching it's full potential when Rachel grabbed her hand forcefully, even a little painfully, and Rachel made sure Quinn was looking into her eyes.
"I can't lose you again."
The confession floated around in the air, and Rachel released her grip. When Quinn flexed her hand she smiled apologetically, but without actually voicing one.
"How come you could lose me last time?"
"I thought it was for the best, and I tried not to think too much about what exactly it would mean for me. Only what it would mean to you."
"Right, all the bliss that it brought to my life, you mean. And you can't this time? My life is complicated enough without you in it."
"I'm sorry, but that is just not an option. You can say how you want me in your life. How much and how little. But if you're going to get me in my life, that's not a question. I'm coming back into your life. You don't really get a say in that part. I'm not opposed to mild stalking."
"You freaked Finn out a little in High School. In a Swimfan kind of way."
"He didn't say that, did he?"
"Those exact words."
"Well, in that case, you already know. I'm gonna be there for you. In any way you choose. As long as I'm there." Rachel smiled her most enthusiastic smile, and well, that was very enthusiastic. But Quinn held on.
"I don't know, Rachel. I lost you once, and honestly, it took a lot out of me. I don't think I can bear it if you leave me again."
"But that's what I'm saying, I won't!"
"That's what you're saying, but what if you do? You did it before. And you're not getting away with it just like that, Rachel. I don't know if I can handle you in my life again. You have a habit of making things very complicated very fast, and you're already doing it. Haven't you done enough damage?"
Rachel recoiled, and the hurt in her eyes returned.
"That wasn't fair."
"Maybe it wasn't, but you can't do this. Expect like nothing has changed. It's been 5 years since I last saw you, a lot has happened since. For all you know I could have a kid or something!"
"One that you just forgot to mention?"
"We didn't really talk that much last night."
"I didn't see any stretch marks. But, do you?"
"No. But that's not the point. The point is... Rachel, I'm with Puck."
"Alright," Rachel nodded, and mumbled: "I can work with that."
She stared at Quinn for a minute, then smiled widely and started speaking.
"Okay, so how about this solution? You and I, we don't date. Sex was a one time mistake or not-mistake. But we don't do it again. But Quinn, we were more than just in a relationship. We were friends. You were my best friends. Remember? We were best friends before any of this got started!"
"I can see what you're thinking, but I don't know if it's such a-"
"That's exactly my point! You saw what I was thinking! Because you know me so well! It's rare to have people that truly know you through and through, and you are one of the few who can say that about me, I believe. You do know the real Rachel Berry. And don't tell me that you didn't feel that vibe last night, with trust and loving friendship. It was still there. We can be friends."
"Is this some kind of scheme to get us together again?"
"My intentions are pure. I however, will not bother to try and fight other sorts of feelings if at one point you decide that you might like those. Do you want me in your life again or not, Quinn?"
YES!
"I guess."
"Do you want me to be your girlfriend again?"
YES!
"I'm with Puck, Rachel."
Quinn didn't say yes or no. Rachel was too good at reading into her lies. Now she would at least see the truth.
Rachel saw that one coming, so just nodded.
"Do you think that we can be just friends?"
Not in the long run.
"I think we can make that work, too."
"So, friends. Agreed?" Her expressive face was glowing with excitement of befriending Quinn again.
She looks so cute! Ugh. This will never work."Agreed."
"Now we shake hands."
Can't I just kiss you?
Quinn shook her hand, skeptic about what she was agreeing to, but all was overridden by the feeling she got shaking Rachel's hand, realizing Rachel was back in her life.
When Quinn came home, she told Puck what had happened. She had met up with Rachel, and they had agreed to being friends, and friends only. Puck spoke of the same skepticism that she felt towards the deal - which had the unfortunate consequence that everytime she doubted the deal and thought that it couldn't work, Puck's voice sounded in her mind - but was obviously so much overtaken by relief that he hadn't lost her, that he didn't really mind. So they became friends. Mostly, they told each other a lot of stories of the things that they had missed the last 5 years. Mostly Rachel talked, as was tradition. Rachel talked about Broadway, about slowly gaining fame and reputation, shows she had been in - and it was quite a number of shows - and her friendship with Finn. Talking about them, the dating part, became a forbidden subject, and although Rachel had stepped into it being "Friends... to start with", she waited for Quinn to take a step forwards. And Quinn didn't move. And though she knew she couldn't keep the impasse forever, she was determined to keep the decision off as long as she could.
They spended a lot of time. Every week, they got together at least once. And it felt right, to Quinn, when she was with Rachel. They acted like friends. Really close friends, but still, friends. Around the same time, Puck and Finn rekindled their friendship as well, and it went on like this for a while. Although she mostly acted like it didn't change anything... it did. Because everytime that Quinn walked away from Rachel, she felt like she had done something wrong. She knew it wasn't so. She had talked to Rachel, laughed with Rachel, hugged her goodbye and that was that. But she found herself falling more back in love with Rachel everytime she saw her. And there were moments.
"Quinn, do you still sing?" Rachel asked a little out of the blue, as Rachel's questions usually were.
They were sitting on the couch in Rachel's apartment, and the Notebook's end credits were playing on the screen when Rachel spoke.
"Not really," she admitted. "After Glee, well, I don't know, I never really got around to it."
"You didn't get around to singing?" Rachel arched her eyebrow a little, and her voice was incredulous.
"It was never my ambition like yours anyway. It just... I don't know, I just stopped, I guess. By now my voice must be razorsharp after so many years of no training."
"Try."
"I'm not embarrassing myself to a Broadway star."
"How bout to a friend?"
"What do you want me to sing?"
"Something from the heart. Look at me, and sing the first song that you think of. It doesn't have to be a whole song. I just want to hear you singing again. Just look at me, let yourself feel and then sing it out."
Quinn gazed into Rachel's eyes, letting Rachel inside, deeper and deeper until it felt like the gaze touched her raw heart, that wanted to cringe away. But instead, she forced the gaze to go deeper, and she found her voice:
"Set me free, why don't cha babe
Let me be, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
Now you don't really want me
You just keep me hangin' on"
Although she hadn't practiced in years, her voice sounded exactly on key. Even when she was still in Glee, it was rare for her to use music as a real way to express what she felt. Rachel had commented on that once, and after walking away, this was the song she had sung. She put every ounce of emotion she could gather and poured it into the song. She saw Rachel's hands tremble slightly.
"You say although we broke up
You still wanna be just friends
But how can we still be friends
When seeing you only breaks my heart again"
Rachel's eyes had grown wide like Bambi's at this point, when Quinn whispered:
"And there ain't nothing I can do about it."
"Is this how..." Rachel started in a raw whisper, but although thought she could finish it in her head (probably something like...you feel about me?) Rachel closed her eyes and tensed her muscles, forcing herself to stop the trembling, finding a sure voice inside of her.
"I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that, even though unpracticed, that was quite amazing. As I suspected, raw talent is not to be denied. Not even 5 years later."
Quinn herself was still shaking, shocked that she had allowed so much of herself to come out. She was glad that Rachel didn't finish that question, though. It wasn't a conversation that she wanted to have.
After that, she found herself avoiding Puck. Spending - as predicted - a lot of time at the library, and found that it was surprisingly easy to confide in Brittany. Because Brittany was a very good friend to have. And truly just a friend. Who listened to her issues with Rachel and her confusing thoughts. She also gave advise.
"What did I say about making things harder than they had to be?"
"Maybe it has to be hard."
"Maybe it doesn't. I'm not sure what you're doing, but you're like, dating her and-"
"I'm not dating her. I meet up with her. That's what friends do."
"Right. Sorry. You're so confusing... How's Puck?"
Quinn still wasn't sure how much Puck trusted her. He had accepted her friendship with Rachel, as long as he didn't have to see her all that much. And he didn't comment on it, so she thought that he was fine with it. She hoped so. But was proven wrong when Rachel called her, and asked her to come over.
"Hey Rachel! What is it, why are you upset? Who's ass do I have to kick?" She smiled when the joke made Rachel laugh a little, but Rachel dragged her to the couch.
"As you know, Finn and Noah have started rekindling their friendship like we have done with ours."
"I know. Puck came by backstage today to hang out, right?"
"Right. He did. And I heard..."
"What? What was it?" Her concern was growing now. It took something to upset Rachel. If Puck had done something to her...
"He was talking to Finn, and I wasn't supposed to hear it, but he was yelling at him so it was a little hard to miss, they were standing by the hall, and I don't think he knew I could hear him. He was saying..."
She took a deep breath, before repeating the words.
"He said, that Finn shouldn't be so stupid. That he shouldn't want to be with me, or even like me at all. That I never loved Finn, and that he thought that I would break his heart, and that he thought that you would break his. He called himself stupid too that he was still sticking around with you, and that he was sure that we were still in love with each other, and he just was so hurt! And Finn believed him!"
"Well, of course Finn believed him. Puck's one of his closest friends."
"That's no reason to believe that I would have some kind of affair with you, or that I don't care about him or something! I'm just... hurt, that Noah would think such a thing of me."
"I'm sorry that you had to hear that, Rach. I know it wasn't Noah's objective to hurt you. He probably just felt like he was being a good friend to Finn."
"By warning him for heartbreaker Rachel Berry? That's not me!"
"He was just angry and upset."
"He's scared that he's gonna lose you to me," she said matter-of-factly.
"Mostly that you're gonna break Finn's heart, I think."
"Do you think he's jealous?" Rachel said thoughtfully, but obviously entertaining the thought very much.
"You really shouldn't smile at that."
"You think he's jealous!"
"And you're liking it."
"Of course, it shows that he cares." Rachel quickly amended.
"I know he cares."
"But still, it's really kind of funny, isn't it?"
"Not even a little."
It was a Wednesday night, she remembered. The weather was warm, the air humid, and Puck had asked her to take a walk with him. In a relaxed pace, he had taken her to Central Park, his arm slung around her in a caring way. She smiled up at him, and he gave her a short kiss. They walked around a pond, and she let his deep and pleasant voice fill her ears, until the words came too important to enjoy his voice.
"You know," he said, "I think Central Park is one of the things I love most about NYC."
"It's beautiful, I know."
"I can totally see myself sitting there with our kids," he said, pointing to a bench by the point. "You know, like, feeding the ducks."
She laughed, to break the tension that was building inside her. "Yeah, what will you be feeding them? Special cupcakes?"
He laughed too, but said after that: "No, really, I think I can make a really good dad."
"I think you will make a great parent someday."
He led her over to the bench, and held her a little tighter.
"It's good that you know that, because... that's kind of why I brought you here."
"What, you wanna have sex on the bench or something?"
"I'm serious here, babe. Listen. I've been thinking, and I wanna do this. I know we can make this work."
"Do... what, exactly?" Quinn asked in a careful tone.
"Settle down. Be a family. I really have thought this through, you know, and this is what I really want."
She suddenly realized that although his right hand had been resting over her shoulder, his left hand was fidgeting in his pocket, and he was tense. He stopped fidgeting, and his arm suddenly disappeared from her shoulder.
"Quinn," he said, and Quinn blinked, and suddenly he was there, before her. On his knees. No, wait. On one knee.
He was on one knee.
"Quinn Fabray, I have never loved anything or anyone more than I love you. Since High School, a lot has happened, but even though it's been years, I'm here with you, and you're here with me. I've loved you since I was 17, and now, 7 years later, I'm ready to do what no-one at home would ever expect me to do. Settle down for good. I want to be with one girl for the rest of my life. That's you. Will you marry me?"