You know what, I really have nothing to say right now. So I'm just going to babble on about nothing right here. La la la...hey, did you know that Mello's quite the ass? But he's pretty. So that makes him a pretty ass.

Chapter 4

Flick.

"You know I don't like you."

Flick.

"I've known that for quite some time now, Mello."

Flick.

"And where's your pjs, Near? Did the baby get them dirty?"

Flick.

"No. Nobody was able to escort me to this location, so I had to walk from the airport. And I didn't want to look ridiculous around people if I were to walk around wearing my pajamas. So I actually decided to wear the clothes that Watari had bought for me. I didn't want to attract attention to myself."

Flick.

"And that retarded hat of yours wasn't going to attract any attention?"

Flick.

"Do not insult the hat. And please stop flicking me in the head. I could bruise."

Flick.

A blue airplane, controlled by Near's hand, flew right into Mello's nose. Hard. Mello yelped in pain, rubbing his now red nose. Near, who was sitting on the floor right in front of him in the living room, placed the airplane on top of Mello's head. L was sucking on a cherry flavored lollipop right next to Mello. They were still stuck via stupid laptop and were now fully clothed.

"Crash landing on Mt. Mello." Near said quietly.

Mello roared and grabbed the airplane. "The hell do you think you're doing to me?!"

"Oh no. The giant has awaken." said Near, twirling his hair. "Everyone, remain calm and evacuate the plane as quickly as possible."

"I'm not going to play any of your dumb pretend games!" screamed Mello. He threw the plane into the air and let it soar until it hit the couch. "Get this laptop off of me and L! Or else I'll have to punch you in the face and make you look even uglier than you already are!"

Near sat quietly, still twirling his hair. Nothing was heard except for Mello's heavy breathing. His free hand was clenched into a fist and was ready to strike, but the feeling of being heavily stared down by someone stopped him. He turned to L, who was still busy away sucking on his treat, staring at him.

"Can I help you?" asked Mello.

L poked his still red nose. "Be quiet, Giant of Mt. Mello."

"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! YOU'RE TAKING HIS SIDE?!"

"He's the one who offered to fix us. So be quiet or else he might not do anything at all."

"I've heard that if you spread butter on something, it will become easier to pull off," said Near.

Mello snorted. "That's pull away. Butter lubricates an area so that something that is clamped together can be pulled away. Butter's not going to do anything here!"

"Well, I'd rather not scrub at L's hand and your finger with water," said Near. He got up and grabbed his airplane, placing his behind on the couch. "Water could damage the laptop even more than it already is, and our prime objective here is to fix it."

"No, you idiot!" shouted Mello, getting to his feet. With the laptop in the air, L's arm was being pulled, but he didn't really care at this point. "Our prime objective is to get this thing off of us!"

"We can try the butter." said L.

He got up as well and dragged Mello back into the kitchen, moving towards the fridge. Near followed, leaving his plane in the living room. Opening the door, the blast of cool air hit his face, making him rub his eyes. All he could see was nothing but healthy food. It disgusted him. With his free hand, he began tossing out all of the food that seemed useless to him. Meat hit the ground with a splat, followed by cheese, bottles such as ketchup, and loaves of bread.

Near picked up a small mozzarella stick wrapped up inside plastic. Undoing it, he started to bite the cheese. Mello glared at him and bit into the air. He tried to move away from L and grab the cheese stick, but Near backed up and continued to eat away. The boy grunted until he saw it. A chocolate covered pretzel flew into the air and landed right in front of him. Drooling, he bent down and was about to pick up his own treat when L yanked him as he ventured further into the fridge. Mello stomped his foot in frustration.

When the entirety of the fridge was lying on the ground, L sighed.

"I have found no butter." he stated.

"Oh well, such a shame!" said Mello. He poked L's side. "Now can I please have my friggen chocolate pretzel?"

"Yes you may," said L, as Mello clapped his free hand on his hips and stuffed the pretzel into his mouth. "And please control your language."

"Ooh nuat mah vater!"

L closed the fridge. He saw that complete mess of the kitchen floor. If Light was here, he would have a heart attack. He scratched his head, watching dirt fall out of his hair.

"This is another problem." he said. He looked at Near. "Near, I have a mission for you."

Near, who had just finished his cheese, looked at him. "Yes?"

"Since I can not move from this kitchen, because if I did I would step on food and cause Light-kun to cry like a girl when he got home, I ask that you would be so kind as to go to the grocery store down the street and buy us some butter."

Near nodded. L stuffed his hand down his pocket and pulled out some money. Walking up to the mess, the boy leaned over and grabbed the money before Mello's greedy hands got a hold of it. Silently, he walked out of the kitchen and out the door.

"There he goes," said L, waving good-bye. "He is our only hope."

"Oooh, plastic cars…"

The small plastic package was poked. It swung back, and then was poked again. Near was at the front of the grocery store that L sent him too, playing with the plastic toys hanging on the rack. Or at least their boxes. Kneeling on the ground, he happened to notice an unseemly fat man wearing a blue t-shirt with sweat covered armpits walk passed him as he entered the store.

"Oh yes, the butter," said Near, quietly, in case the man heard him. "I have to get it before Mello goes into some sort of an uncontrollable rage."

Near stood up and began walking down the aisles, in search of butter. Finally, he found the freezer section and saw a whole shelf with butter. He got down on his knees, next to a shopping cart with a baby in its seat, and poked at the butter.

"Which one will help L and Mello more?" he wondered to himself out loud. "If I solve this problem with a mathematical equation, I will then be able to process which butter will be more effective."

The baby in the shopping cart laughed. Near looked at him. The baby, all dressed up in a little green overall with a white shirt and orange hair, was laughing at him. Near twirled his hair.

"I wonder what this baby finds amusing about me?" he asked. He stood up and looked straight at the baby. "Little sir, may I ask what is so funny?"

The baby laughed even harder and clapped his hands together. Near cocked his head to the side. His hat's dog ears hit his cheek. Suddenly, the baby leaned forward and grabbed the dog ears. He tugged on the hat until it came off of Near's head.

Near sighed and held out his hand. "Baby, give me back my hat."

The baby shook his head. He opened up his mouth and chomped down on it.

"You must be teething," noted Near. He put his hand on his hat. "Well, I can't allow you to relieve your little biting habits on my McFluffin' hat."

"McFluffin'!" shouted the baby, adding a little squeal. "McFluffin'!"

"Yes, that is my McFluffin' hat. Now please give it back before you ruin in."

Someone gently tapped on Near's shoulder. He turned around and saw a young woman with curly red hair, wearing a pink dress. She crossed her arms when she got Near's attention.

"Excuse me, young man, what are you doing to my son?" she asked him.

"Nothing at all," said Near. "I was just getting my hat back. He took it from me."

"And?" said the woman. "That doesn't mean you have to touch my son."

"Technically, I wasn't touching your son, I was touching the hat that your son has in his hands." replied the young detective. "All I want is my hat back before he damages it."

"You know what, you can have your hat back!" yelled the woman. She took the hat out of the baby's hands and gave it back to Near. It was covered in baby slobber. "I just can't believe that there are men as young as you doing this to babies!"

Near held up his finger. "I did nothing to the child, but I would highly advise if you wanted to avoid that, to not leave your child unattended."

The woman grabbed her heavy looking purse from inside the shopping cart and got close to Near. "What did you say?"

A little while later, back in the apartment, L and Mello were sitting down on the now clean kitchen floor, eating a bag full of Hershey's chocolate kisses. L perked his head up when he heard the door close. He then saw Near, wearing a wet looking doggy hat, a plastic bag in his hand, and a quite noticeable huge red mark on his cheek. Mello looked up too and laughed.

"Hey, lookie there!" he yelled. "Near got his ass kicked!"

"Yes, Near, please tell me, who in fact kicked your behind?" asked L.

Near walked up to him and handed the butter to him from the bag. "This strange woman thought that I was harassing her son when it was the other way around. She hit me with her purse."

"So she hit you?!" choked Mello, who was still laughing.

Near nodded. Mello began choking on his chocolate, but didn't seem to care. He held his sides and fell to the floor in laughter. Near whined. With his long arm, L patted Near on the head. The boy walked out of the room. Mello didn't notice him leave, but he sure noticed the blue airplane that crashed into his nose once again.

"I'M GOING TO RIP THAT PLANE IN HALF!"

Mello made a grab for Near, but he moved away. Near walked over to one of the drawers and opened it up, pulling out a knife. Mello snickered.

"You're just making everything way too easy, Near," he said. "If you really wanted me to kill you, you could have been taken care of a long time ago."

Near was silent. He handed the knife to L, who opened up the container of butter. He scooped out butter with the knife, spreading it all over the laptop, his hand, and Mello's finger.

Mello huffed. "You know, this isn't going to work. This is completely stupid. I still say my bath idea was so much better than this dumb--"

L pulled his hand off. Mello shut his mouth and stared at the event in amazement. He pulled at his finger and it came off too.

"How did this happen? This shouldn't have happened…"

As Mello crawled into a fetal position, L smiled at Near.

"Thank you."

Near smiled at L and opened up the freezer, pulling out a bag of frozen peas and pressing it on to his cheek.

To those of you who are wondering what in the world McFluffin' is, it actually is a name that I used to use in preschool or kindergarten. Me and my friends would play with our teacher's puppet house and there was a brown dog that we named McFluffin'. So just watch out for that McFluffin' in later chapters.

Now review, or else some random pyscho woman's gonna hit you in the face too!