The forever piece
Chapter 4: Confession
"Maka." I gasp loudly. It's my mother's voice. I'm surrounded by tons of tons of sand. It could be the desert outside of Death City but I'm not sure. "Maka, my sweet little angel." I see her; my mother. She stands on top of a hill of sand and smiles wide toward me. She is wearing her hospital dress. "Sing with me." She whispers and sweet tunes leaks from her mouth. "Sing with me Maka." She says again.
Tears start trickling down my face and I can't help myself. I start singing with her. It is her English song she wrote when I was sick as an infant. It was such a long time ago since I sang. The last time was with Soul inside of the tour bus. I had never sung since then.
It feels great singing with her. Hearing her voice and mine mix and I can't help but run toward my mother. "Mama!" I scream and as soon as I reach for her, she disappears in a cloud of dust. "MAMA!" I cry out louder. I can still hear her singing to me.
"Maka, my sweet little angel." I hear her whisper. "I always knew you would find your Spirit."
I gasp loudly and I'm not in the desert anymore. I'm lying in Liz's guest bedroom with Soul beside me. I breathe fast and short and my whole body is covered in sweat. Quickly I tear off Soul's hoodie along with my sweat pants and shirt. I find myself half naked and I cover myself up with a robe. I'm still so hot and I'm in terrible need of cool air. I walk out to our balcony and take a seat on the chair there.
That dream. The nagging feeling. Marriage. Kids. Amber. Everything feels like it's falling in place. The nagging feeling was pure panic. I had one giant panic attack which had now gone away after one night good sleep. My panic had been caused because of marriage and kids. When Soul proposed, as awful as it sounds, I think I only said yes because of Liz's and Tsubaki's thoughts and expectations. The thought is toxic. Would I have said yes if Tsubaki and Liz hadn't said all of those things? I don't know and that drives me even crazier!
Before I know it tears are trickling down my cheeks. I can't help but cry because I'm an awful person. I'm not ready for marriage. I'm not ready to start a family because I can't be a wife and a mother since my mother never taught me how. I lost her when I was far too young and now I don't know how to be it. My dad can't give me advice on how to be a wife and how to be a great mother. It is my mother's duty and she isn't here to teach me. I know she is dead, but she has to teach me. She left her testimony behind along with a letter to me and my father. Maybe she had left behind more addressed to me. If so, I have to find them.
"Maka?" I turn around and I see Soul standing there in his pants and a bare chest. As on instinct, he walks up to me and pulls me into a hug. "Why are you crying?"
I sob loudly and hug Soul close to me. "I have to tell you something and it won't be good."
"It is better to say it than leave it unsaid." Soul says while he rocks me in his arms.
I take a shaky breath. "I'm not ready."
Soul pulls away from me so he can look into my eyes. "What do you mean you aren't ready?"
I wipe away my tears and I can't look into Soul's eyes. I'm feeling horrible for what I'm about to admit. "I'm not ready to get settled. I'm not ready to be a wife or a mom." I squeeze my eyes shut. I can't look at his heartbroken face.
"Why?" I hear Soul whispers.
"It's because I don't know how to be a wife or a mom. My mama never taught me how. She never gave me any advice. Soul, I can't get married because of her. I need to know how to be a mother. I'm sure my mother hid more letters to me somewhere. I need to find them." I clutch my fingers into his skin. "I'm so sorry Soul. I'm so very sorry."
Soul sighs heavily while he holds me close to him. "It's fine. You don't have to be sorry. As much as I would want to take you to a church and just marry you, I want you to be ready and have the dream wedding you want. I can wait. We can both go together and try to find these letters you are talking about."
I sniffle loudly and I wipe away my tears, for the first time I look into his eyes and he doesn't look mad at all. His eyes are still so soft. "Y-You're not mad at me?"
Soul shakes his head and his lips find my forehead. His lips caress my forehead before he rests his head on mine. "Of course not, if you aren't ready than you aren't ready. There is nothing to be mad about." His hand caresses my back and he pulls away. "You should get dressed and pack your things. We leave after breakfast." Soul pulls away from me and walks back inside of the bedroom. I'm left alone on the balcony and I can't help but think Soul is truly mad at me. He usually doesn't leave me like this, storm inside without even kissing my forehead or walking inside with me. I have made Soul mad because we can't run to the church like Soul wanted. He can't knock me up as he wants because of my stupid fears.
As much as I would want to please Soul and give him those things, I can't. I need to take care of me in order to give Soul a baby and marriage.
When I get my tears under control, I walk back inside and Soul isn't there. His things are already packed and only my things are unpacked. I pack my things in silence and get dressed in comfortable clothes for the drive home. My ring glitters in the light and I admire the fact how long Soul must have searched to find this ring. The ruby is a rare red and it must have taken months for him to find this ruby and made it the masterpiece in the ring. It hurts me so badly he went through all this trouble to get me this stunning ring but then I stab him in the back and say I'm not ready. I should be able to give him what he deserves because he deserves to be happy with kids even if that means I won't be a good mother and wife.
As soon as I finish packing my things, I walk down to the dining hall where all of my friends are seated. Liz and Tsubaki are feeling each other's stomachs and talking about babies while Soul, Black*Star and Kid seems to be talking about Tsubaki's baby. Kid gives him advice to please Tsubaki and make the pregnancy as good as possible while Soul sits and listens to them carefully. Soul doesn't even look at me when I take a seat by Patty.
"Where did you disappear to last night? I didn't see you at the party." Patty says and I sigh deeply.
"Sorry. I turned sick and I went to bed." I couldn't say the whole thing was a panic attack.
Patty looks concerned at me and her eyes scan my body. "Are you okay? Are you feeling okay?"
I slowly nod. "Yeah, I just needed to sleep it off. I'm much better now, thank you."
Patty's eyes widen when her eyes lock at my ring on my finger. "You are engaged?!" Patty hollers and that sure attracts everybody's attention. "When?! How did he propose?! Give me details!"
"You are engage?!" Liz hollers and she looks down at the ring. "I knew he would propose to you!"
Tsubaki grabs my hand and looks at the ring on my finger. "Your ring is very beautiful! Soul must have spent hours in order to find that ring!"
All the girls pour out questions at me and all I can do is look at Soul. He isn't even looking at me. His eyes are set on the table and his half-eaten breakfast. Why isn't he looking at me? Does he hate me so much he finds me dislikable?
I answer their questions as well as I can while Soul sits silently in his chair, eating his breakfast. The breakfast was unbearable. I felt like I wanted to break down crying because I made Soul hate me. I made him hating because I can't give him the things he deserves in life. It just makes me hate myself for being this insecure.
After breakfast was over and the girls seemed quite pleased with my answers and details, it was time for us to go home. We hugged and said our goodbyes and we started our drive home toward our home. It was so awkward inside of the car. Soul didn't say anything and neither did I. The only sound was made is the radio and the motor of the car. I rest my head on the window of the car while I watch the trees we drive by. The silence is killing me. I want him to talk to me. I don't want him to hate me like this. I want to give him what he deserves.
Tears trickle down my cheeks and I sniffle. "You hate me, don't you?" I quickly wipe away my tears.
"What?" Soul says shocked.
"You hate me for not being ready. I can feel it. You don't talk to me and you avoid me as much as you can. You don't even look at me. I don't want you to hate me Soul, if you want kids and marriage I want to give you them. We can stop this car right now and you could get me pregnant. I will do anything for you to look at me and stop hating me so." So much for trying to cover my tears up. I'm full out crying. Tears are rolls down my cheeks like two waterfalls and my body shakes violently because of my sobs. "I just want you to be happy and love me again."
My seatbelt tightens around me when Soul slams his foot on the break and the car stops. "You think I would just stop loving you because of some silly thing like that?" Soul says very loudly which makes me flinch. "You are crazy for thinking I would hate you because of you not being ready for marriage."
I hear Soul unbuckle his seatbelt and his hand finds my chin and forces me to look into his eyes and surprisingly enough, his eyes are teary and a tear rolls down his cheek. "Soul." I whisper and Soul pulls me into a tight hug.
"I don't hate you and I'm sorry for making you think so." Soul's back shakes and I hear him sob. "I'm really sorry. I just needed some time for myself. I don't want you to do anything you aren't ready to do. If you did, then you wouldn't just make yourself miserable, but me as well. Maka, I needed time for myself and my own thoughts because it did hurt me."
Tears trickle down my cheeks and I feel Soul's tears soaking my collar. I hug Soul back tightly while I rub his back. "I'm sorry. I didn't want you to end up hurt. I hate myself for hurting you. You deserve marriage and kids and so much more."
Soul shakes his head while he sobs into my neck. "No Maka. I deserve being married to you. I deserve to start a family with you. I don't just any marriage or kids, I want to have you and have kids with you. You don't need to apologize. You did right by telling me you aren't ready but it still hurts."
"Oh Soul." I kiss Soul's neck. "You are too nice. I promise you, you will be married to me one day and we will have kids of our own. If I don't find any answers from my mother in two months, we are going to plan that wedding and get married. I will attend parenting classes and you will just have to help me on the wife part. I want to be as good to you as I know you will be to me."
Soul gets what I'm trying to do and he unbuckles my seatbelt so he can pull me closer to his chest. He plants sweet kisses on my neck while he caresses my hips. "I know you won't be anything than amazing. That's a fact. If you think you will find answers and confidence in yourself by searching for your mother's potentially existing letters, then I'm going to support you."
Slowly Soul pushes my backrest and I find myself lying in my seat and Soul crawls on top of me. Our lips connect and Soul kisses me passionately. I can feel his pain of my half rejection through our kisses and touches and I bet Soul can feel my agony.
"I won't lie." Soul says through his kisses. "I expected to get laid yesterday, but your health is more important."
I pull Soul's hips closer to mine and shiver with pleasure. "I've heard engagement sex is pretty amazing."
Soul smirks against my lips and his tears hit my cheeks. "Making love when you are newly engage is better. That is what I've heard."
We find ourselves for the first time crying while we are making love in our car. Not the classiest move of us, but we both needed to be comforted and express our feelings to each other. It wasn't what I had expected, but it was amazing none the less.