In New York, it was dark. Alfred Jones had just gotten home from his job. Car less, he had to walk. He phanted and stumbled a few times as he walked to the elevator. Before getting in, he stopped and got his mail. It was a letter and a small yellow packet. Alfred hated Thursday's, the day of his O.E.G, Over Eaters Gathering. But, tonight he felt even worse. On the way to his meeting he ate two chocolate hotdogs. Eating chocolate was breaking the rules. He found the night even more unbearably because of Natalya strange eye glances. Alfred had problems understanding Females. Flirting was a foreign to him as jogging. Alfred found most people very confusing.
But little did Alfred realize that his night was going to become more confusing. He pulled out the candy bar and the letter and stared. Alfred sat on his couch and ate his candy. He read Aiden letter four times. Once on the couch, once in the kitchen, once in the bathroom, and then when he was ready to go to bed. Alfred shook his head and went off to dream land. The next morning he picked up the letter again.
"It couldn't hurt could it?" He decided and sat in front of his type writer. After thirty minutes of typing he finally finished.
"Dear Aiden Alex Kirkland,
thank you for the letter which I open and read at 9:17 pm after my Over Eaters Gathering class. I am trying to lose weight because my physicist says a healthy body equals a healthy mind. He says my mind is not that healthy. Your drawing looks pretty damn good to me. I have never meet anyone from Australia. Firstly, I will answer your question. Unfortunately in America, babies are not found in Cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four she said they came from eggs, that rabies laid. If you aren't Jewish, they are laid by Catholic nuns, if your an atheist they are laid by dirty old hookers. I share my home with a fish, snails who I named after my favorite states, a parrot called Mister Biscuit, and finally a cat called, Walie. I call him Walie cause he was found while I was looking for whales. He followed me home after a gang of children stab is eye out with a stick.
Do you have a pet Kangaroo? When I was born my father left me and my mom on my uncles farm. She shoot her self with my uncle's gun when I was six. Do you like chocolate hot dogs? I can send you the receipt if you want. When I was young, I invited an invisible friend. I called him Mr. Ravioli. My therapist says I don't need him any more, so he just sits in the corner and reads. Last week I picked up 128 cigarette butts. This is bad, cause they wash out to the sea and fishes become addicted to nicotine. I am just joking, cause of course it is impossible for a cigarette to remind lit under water. Also fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in. I am 32 years old, and I have 8 track suits all the same size. I weigh 382 pounds, and I am as tall as a 6 foot tree. I enjoy entering the lottery. I have played the same numbers for 9 years now.
I have had many jobs in my life. My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway. My seconded job was at Yiddles Gourmet Suppilies, I worked at a machine that made prepacked noodles. I was born Jewish and used to believe in God, but I have read to many books. Even though I am an atheist, I still wear my yamaka. It keeps my brain warm. My third job was for a company that printed logo's on frisbees. A frisbee is like a boomerang, expect it doesn't come back. My fourth job was when I was called up into jeweler duty. I didn't get paid much, but I got free cookies and coffee. Jewess are awesome people..who haven't murdered anybody. I was in a trail where a man had killed all his friends, at his own surprise birthday party. But, I was kicked out cause I used to be a mental patient. Have you ever been hang-gliding? My fifth job was that I worked for the United Nations Peace Core. It was a job where everyone from different countries got together and tried to make peace. One day they did a security test and asked me was I part of any groups, I said that I was part of the New-York Rocky Horror Picture Show fanclub. They said that didn't count, but fired me anyway. Frontally I didn't tell them that I hated foreigners. Especially Communist.
Have you ever been attacked by a crow or a very large bird? When I was nine, a bird attacked me on my way to school. I got three stitches now in spring I wear a helmet. People laugh at my helmet. People often confuse me. New York is to loud I rather live on the moon. I don't like crowds, bright lights, sudden noises, or strong smells. I find human hard to understand. I think however I will be able to understand you. You will be very happy, and I think that you would smell like a shrimp. Even though I not told you about my sixth job in a condom factory, I have to go.
Write back soon, your friend
Alfred F. Jones."
He walked down to the post office of the hotel he lived in and put the letter in the box. "Go in good health." He nodded and walked away. He wondered when his new friend would write back.