A/N: soooo :) welcome back
Sorry for taking so long, have too much to do and too little time to actually finish anything XD Please review if you can find the time :) i want to know if this story is worth keeping online, or if i should just write it for myself :)
Maybe you'll be thinking that the chapters are a little bit short and quick, but i assure you, this is all a Prologue.
"w-w-what? Why?" Tavros shrieked, almost tumbling out of his wheelchair.
Gamzee steadied him and tried to calm him, but his hands were shoved away.
"Bro... Tavros, I'm sorry... I" he stopped when he notice the tears gathering in the brown eyes.
"No, please i didn't mean to..."
But Tavros shook his head and made to turn around, close to letting the tears fall.
Quickly, Gamzee shot up and grabbed his shoulder and tried to keep him there, but Tavros was surprisingly strong and freed himself easily.
He didn't even turn to face him when he began to talk, his voice shaking and threatening to break.
"Just... Leave me alone."
"Tavros... I'm sorry..."
"Screw you!" Tavros shouted, clutching the armrest.
" you only make it worse" he sobbed before wheeling out.
Out of the room.
Out of the house.
Out of Gamzee's reach.
Fuck.
After standing there, dumbfounded, for a moment, Gamzee fell back into the couch, cursing himself.
Why did he have to do that?
Of course Tavros would avoid him now...
But on the other side, his reaction had been strange.
Normally one would be disgusted or a bit upset, but not sobbing and crying like that.
And how does a sorry make it worse?
Gamzee wished to take back the kiss, but then again he didn't. To him, the kiss had felt right, and even if it had been only a very short kiss, it had been enough to make him crave more.
He sighed and realized the comeback of his migraine... Shit.
Too concentrated on massaging his temples and fighting the urge to throw up, he didn't notice Karkat standing in front of him until he began to speak.
"Dude…"
His voice was unusually soft, showing concern Karkat only seldom showed other people.
"What happened? I saw Tav – "
Gamzee chuckled, not really sure why, maybe because he had just screwed up all the chances he had had…
"I screwed up, bro. I up and fucked it all up…"
Karkat cautiously sat down next to his best friend and rubbed his shoulder, hoping to calm him down.
When Gamzee suddenly scooted away, Karkat froze.
Usually, Gamzee would cry out his heartache or whine about it for about a day and then move on, but he had never distanced himself, or looked this sick before.
"Gam – "
"He hates me" Gamzee cut him off.
"I did something stupid, and now he hates me. This…" he looked at Karkat, confused and a bit upset
"It's so weird, bro. I – I barely know that guy, but I want him! I don't know why, I just want to be close to him… why doesn't he?"
Karkat shrugged, grabbing Gamzee's sleeve. Something was wrong about Gamz.
He was so… sober, and that was not exactly something good.
He could get either self-destructive or end up hurting someone else… and either way, Gamzee would get hurt, whether it was an injury or regret.
Suddenly, Gamzee clenched his eyes shut and groaned, pressing his palms against his eyes.
"Gamz, are you okay?" Karkat asked quickly.
Gamzee started mumbling things, but Karkat couldn't understand them...
It worried him, that Gamzee was starting to tremble and beads of sweat started gathering on his forehead.
"Gamzee…"
His best friend kept mumbling, but now Karkat was able to catch the words he kept repeating.
"I will have him…"
Holy crap, no.
"Gamzee" Karkat said, grabbing Gamzee's shoulders and shaking him.
"Calm down! Do you have your pills here? Did you take them?"
Suddenly, Gamzee stopped.
He didn't talk, he didn't move, he didn't even breathe.
Then he snickered and stared into Karkat's eyes, scaring the shit out of the younger boy.
"What do you think motherfucker?" he said, voice deadly and causing chills to run down Karkat's spine.
It was always shitty when Gamzee came down from either the drugs or the pills he had to take…
He became completely unpredictable, and hard to calm down.
"Gamzee, that is not you. Calm. Down."
Gamzee threw his head back and laughed out loud, allowing Karkat to slide his hand into Gamzee's bag unnoticed.
"Not me? This is me motherfucker, and there's nothing that you can motherfucking do about it!
Just like that guy… there's not much he can do at all! He's mine, and I will take him any motherfucking way I want!"
"Stop that, Gamz, calm down."
But Gamzee ignored him completely.
"I mean, what can he do? He can't possibly run from me, can he?
If he dares to say no, I'll just roll him down a hill, or tie him – FUCK!" Gamzee cried out in pain and stared at the needle that was stuck in his shoulder.
For a moment the friend's eyes met, purple, full of anger, and grey, full of concern, before Gamzee's eyes rolled up and he collapsed against Karkat.
Sighing, Karkat gently rubbed his friends back, feeling him falling asleep.
He lied back against the couch and pulled the sleeping Gamzee along.
It was always so tiring to deal with the aftermath of a sober Gamzee, but now it would be peaceful.
He had gotten his emergency medication and it would leave him harmless for another day.
As Karkat's eyes drifted shut, he did wish to be back in that convenience store though.
Back there, with the guy, the strange guy that made his heart flutter…
The one that even haunted his dreams now…
Karkat was instantly awake, when Gamzee moved against his chest, trying to leave.
"Where do you think you are going?" he asked, glancing at the clock on the TV.
"It's half past eleven. Stay here."
Gamzee shook his head and smiled weakly.
"Nah, bro, I don't feel too well."
"Yeah, figures. You went nuts again. And the higher dose does make your head fuzzy, doesn't it?"
Nodding a bit slower than usual, Gamzee sat up and leaned against the back of the couch.
"I feel so… strange, bro."
Karkat sat up as well, and scooted close to his best friend, not surprised to have his head resting on his shoulder in no time.
"I just… don't know anymore" Gamzee continued, his eyes drifting shut.
"What do you mean?" Karkat asked, gently pulling his friend closer.
"This guy. I just… from the moment I first saw him, I felt attracted to him. Like… I knew that he was peace.
I mean the real thing. Just looking at him calmed me down. And when he held me and eased the pain. I knew it."
"You knew what?"
"That he's the one to help me. The one to, I don't know, save me…"
Karkat gulped, not sure why that simple sentence hurt him so much.
Gamzee was his best friend, and they had been through some fucked up shit.
From the death of Gamzee's mother, whom he had adored, to the abusive live with his uncle and several foster homes.
He had always been the one to help him, catch him and build him up again…
And now there was someone else, apparently the only one, skilled enough to save Gamzee.
Yeah, maybe that's why.
It hurt because with one simple sentence, it felt as if their whole friendship had been for nothing…
With a constricted throat, Karkat managed to speak after a while.
"You like him that much?"
Gamzee shrugged and huddled closer against Karkat.
"It doesn't matter. I screwed up already…"
Karkat didn't even want to go into the topic any further, so they simply sat together, staring at the black screen of the TV and each following their thoughts, but each connected in their desperation to find something to be happy with.
"Wow, Tavros, home al – "
His father stopped immediately when he saw the tears on Tavros' face that he tried to hide so much.
"What happened?" he asked, ripping the apron he wore over his head and throwing it into the kitchen as he headed towards his son.
"Nothing, dad, I – "
"Don't nothing me! Tell me what happened."
Tavros shook his head, trying to avoid his father's eyes.
Of course he knew that he could tell his father everything, but this was just too humiliating to talk about. Even to his dad.
His father opened his mouth, holding up an index finger threatening, but Tavros ignored him and wheeled around him, disappearing into his room quickly.
At first, he expected his father to knock on his door, ordering him to open, but he didn't.
It was completely silent, and that shocked Tavros even more.
The silence weighed heavily on Tavros and he was taken aback by the sobs that started shaking him roughly and the tears that fell onto his numb legs.
He should have known that Gamzee was just like all the others…
Nice and friendly at first, and then when they were sure they had your trust, they'd shove you down the stairs and leave you lying there, screaming for help that wouldn't come.
Karkat had probably been hiding somewhere, taking pics or something.
Tavros felt so stupid, so gullible and so ashamed to have let it happen.
Just when the trail of thoughts threatened to suffocate Tavros, his phone rang and vibrated.
For a moment, he sat there, unsure whether he was imagining things or not.
The absurd thought, that it could be Gamzee and he was really feeling bad about it, suddenly appeared on his inner mind, and he frantically fumbled with his bag, trying to fish out the phone.
1 new Message : J. Harley
Oh.
Weird enough, Tavros was equally happy about a message from her.
He opened it and smiled at the text.
Hey, Tav. Are you busy? :O I am bored and you haven't replied :( are you still with your friends? Greet them from me ;D
Tavros smiled weakly but began to write a reply, hoping to get his mind off it a bit.
Hello Jade :)
I, uh, am home already, wanna chat?
He pressed the send button quickly, hoping for a quick answer.
The answer came from his laptop, though.
The IM-service he used started beeping and he noticed that the icon was flashing.
Smiling wider, Tavros rolled to his desk and opened the window seeing Jade's name flashing on the unfortunately short friends-list.
Why are you home already? Are you okay? :S
Quickly, Tavros replied, but he tried not to let on that he was actually upset about it.
He didn't tell her about the kiss, just that he had been screwed over by his "friends", and that he had left early because of that.
Supposedly, Jade got the hint and dropped the topic, concentrating on cheering up Tavros.
And really, it helped to talk to Jade, Tavros thought.
She was nice and understanding, and ever since they had started chatting a few days back, Tavros had taken a liking to her that he couldn't really explain.
She made him laugh, listened when he was depressed, and she often soothed his worries about his future.
He sometimes freaked out about it, because of his legs and his lack of confidence, but she always helped him calm down, being really considerate and careful about words when it came to him.
Tavros appreciated the careful treatment and somehow enjoyed being pampered and taken care of by Jade.
He could talk about all his worries with her…
But he wouldn't talk about Gamzee.
That was a secluded piece of his mind that would lie buried in his head for eternity, if necessary.
So for the time being, they stuck to normal, rather boring and casual subjects, but it was nice to talk so carefree, and Tavros enjoyed every moment of it, completely forgetting about Gamzee for a moment.
On the other side of the door, Tav's father sat in the kitchen, his head buried in his hands and sighing deeply.
Sometimes, it was just too hard being a parent…
Especially with Tavros.
Not that he had ever regretted having Tavros or had doubts about loving his son, but too much had already happened to that boy, and each and every time he came home with tears, a part of his father felt as if he had failed his son.
He hadn't managed to look out for him the day he lost his legs, the day the bullies threw him down the stairs… or today.
Even if he didn't know what had happened, making Tavros cry, after all the shit that had gone down, was pretty impressive.
It shouldn't be this way.
This time it should have been different. He had planned to move here for a reason, and it should have been a happy and quiet time for Tavros.
And it had even appeared to be true, until today.
After taking a deep breath, the father got up and fished a phone out of his pocket.
With trembling fingers, he dialled the number and waited for a response.
"Yes, hi, this is Nitram… yeah exactly. Haha, you know me by now, right?"
With a smile, he waited for five minutes until he finally heard the rough and hoarse voice that managed to calm his worries immediately.
"Yeah?"
"It's me" he answered, the smile growing even wider.
"Wow, Nitram, been a long time. How's life?"
"Great, how are you?"
There was a bitter chuckle on the other end.
"Same old, same old. How's Tav?"
Silence.
"That bad?"
Tav's father let himself drop onto a chair and closed his eyes.
"I don't know what to do anymore, Al, he came home crying. I just… I did all of this to him. It's my fault and I can't – "
" – stop it" he was cut off.
"I can't hear your whining right now. Just swallow that fucking pity and go to your boy, give him a hug and beat up the kid that hurt him, okay?"
For a moment, Tav's father stared ahead, completely dumbfounded, when he suddenly burst into laughter.
"I fucking hate you, you son of a bitch, you know that?" he said, still laughing.
"Yeah I know, I hate you too. Now go, okay? I have to go anyway."
"Al, wait. I'll come visit you soon, okay?"
"Yeah whatever" Al said, not really believing it. "tell Tav I said hello."
With that, the call ended and left Tavros' father staring at the phone, feeling a lot better than before.
Al knew how to cheer someone up by chewing out his ass…
Once again, Tavros was terrified to go to school.
He had played with the thought of faking illness and stay home, but Jade had managed to make him go nonetheless.
Now that he was in the pretty much empty hallway, he was scared though.
Afraid to run into Gamzee and what he'd do when he did…
He could run away, or yell at him, maybe even muster enough courage to keep his tears at bay, but he hadn't expected what would really happen.
Deep in thoughts, he didn't notice Gamzee until he was gently stopped and two hands were bracing themselves on his armrests, holding his wheelchair in place.
Surprised, Tavros looked up and met Gamzee's purple, tired eyes.
Only seconds ago, he had imagined himself yelling and crying, shouting insults at Gamzee, but now that he was really standing in front of him, staring into his eyes, Tavros felt the same feeling return, that had always been there whenever Gamzee had been close.
It was a strange numbness, fogging his mind and blocking out all the rage and frustration that had built up over the Weekend.
All he could do was stare into these beautiful, sad eyes and tense up.
"Tavros… god this is motherfucking hard."
Gamzee closed his eyes and took a deep breath, swaying a bit. He looked sick…
"can we just talk? Outside?" he asked, opening his eyes again and looking at Tavros' pleadingly.
Finally, Tavros managed to rip his eyes away from Gamzee and rolled back, causing Gamzee to stumble.
"There's nothing to talk about" he said, his voice shaking when he tried to pass Gamzee, but he was held back.
"Tavros, please. I am motherfucking begging you… just listen to me."
A part of him wanted to break free and run away, but the other part… the other part wanted to listen to Gamzee.
"Ten minutes."
Gamzee nodded and started pushing Tavros outside.
At first, Tavros thought about fighting it and yelling at Gamzee to back off, but he didn't have the courage, or the strength to go through with it, so he allowed the tall boy to push him to a little spot of green that was hidden under trees just behind the school building.
Tavros had never noticed the little garden here, and was surprised to see no one else here, because it was really beautiful.
The sun shone through the leaves and gave it the right amount of shade to be comfortable but not dark.
Gamzee must have noticed the wondered look on Tavros' face when they stopped and he walked past Tavros to lean against one of the trees, because he smiled a bit embarrassed.
"This is kind of my spot. I spend most of my time here, and people avoid it because of that."
Tavros scrunched his nose and looked at him, a bit confused.
"Are people, uh, scared of you?"
Uncomfortable, Gamzee brushed through his black locks and smiled weakly.
"There have been… incidents, that gave me a bit of a name around here, but that's not what I want to discuss now, I wanted to – "
" – talk about what happened…" Tavros interrupted, crossing his arms in front of his chest, defensively.
"You feel sorry about it, blahblahblah… I know you – "
Suddenly, Tavros felt the anger rise and along with it the frustration.
"You just want to play me!" he yelled, surprising Gamzee.
"You and your friends think it's funny to do this!
You – you make me like you and then you do this! You probably made pictures of it and showed it around, trying to make me the laughing stock of the school!"
The words were now followed by tears that had begun to roll down his cheeks.
"Just because I am a paraplegic, doesn't mean that I can't love! That I won't find anyone that will like me for who I am!" he shouted, sobbing and clutching his armrest.
"You just want to apologize, so you can keep playing with me! Just for your information, I already have a person that likes me the way I am, and I like her!"
The words had left his mouth without another thought, but they directly pierced through Gamzee's chest.
Instantly, the tall boy went silent.
Gamzee couldn't exactly tell why, but he felt anger rise inside of him.
This wasn't right.
He should be the one…
"No."
Gamzee stared at him from half-lidded eyes, slowly walking towards Tavros.
"I won't motherfucking apologize. I don't fucking regret the kiss, maybe the whole timing and situation, but not the fucking kiss itself" he said, his voice steady and determined.
"Stop your stupid act" Tavros yelled.
He had wanted to shout some more, but was shut up when Gamzee darted forward and crushed his lips against Tavros' once again, this time, holding Tavros' face in place with his hand.
Gamzee softened his grip and gently brushed his thumb over Tav's cheek, wiping away a stray tear while he slid the other hand down Tav's back, pulling him closer as he leaned down.
Tavros wasn't sure why… maybe it was the gentle touch or the weird feeling that had been there the whole time or just the raw passion that Gamzee emitted, but he reached up and gripped the tall boy's shirt and pulled him down, sloppily and very clumsily, returning the kiss.
It was new to Tavros, feeling the need to have another person as close as possible, especially after deciding to hate said person, but he felt his whole body tingle when Gamzee started nibbling at his lower lip and sliding his hand under Tav's shirt.
Completely unaware of it, Tavros let out a soft moan, not much more than a sigh and tightened his grip on Gamzee's shirt.
The younger boy didn't want to part when Gamzee tried to pull back and reached up to grab these black locks with one hand, gently tugging at them while pulling him closer at the same time.
Quickly, they parted to get some air, before Gamzee leaned in again.
The soft touch of lips against each other wasn't enough for him, though.
"Open your mouth" he whispered against Tav's lips, smiling a bit.
Opening his eyes, a bit confused, Tavros stared up at Gamzee.
And suddenly, realization hit him. He was kissing Gamzee, whom he had hated for having kissed him, only two days ago…
"What am I doing?" he asked aloud.
Gamzee blinked in confusion, smiling a bit goofily.
"Making out, why are you asking?"
"B-because… I don't know if I want this. I mean, uh, you just kind of attacked me…"
The goofy smile slowly turned into a frown and Gamzee backed away a bit.
He couldn't believe that a boy could be so torn and ignorant when it came to emotions like lust.
Even if Tavros didn't love him, he was certainly attracted to Gamzee, so why deny it?
"You kissed me back, hell you even motherfucking grabbed me by the collar and pulled me closer. Don't tell me you didn't like it."
Uncertain and conflicted, Tavros averted his eyes, blushing.
"Maybe I like it… but not when it's just one of your stupid games…"
Gamzee let out an annoyed sigh.
"Why don't you motherfucking believe me, that I fucking like you? And I mean the real fucking thing."
When Tavros stared back into Gamzee's eyes, there was some kind of sadness in them.
"How can you tell that you like me? We never really talked much. And even if you say you do, it's pretty much impossible…"
"Actually, I don't fucking know why. I just do. But why would you keep saying that it's a fucking game?"
"Because…" Tav started, his voice shaking a bit, but he tried to keep the eye contact.
"Because there is not one thing to like about me… I mean I sit in a wheel chair, I stutter and I have no confidence whatsoever."
Gamzee smiled softly, taking one of Tavros' hands into his.
"So what? I don't care."
"You don't? How can you not?"
Sadness was now reflected in Gamzee's eyes and they became distant.
"Because believe me, no matter what you pull off or what you think is fucked up, I've seen worse…"
It wasn't the things Gamzee had said, but the way his eyes had changed that made Tavros believe them.
He fought the urge to pull Gamzee down again and simply sat there, his hand in Gamzee's, listening to the soft rustling of the leaves in the wind.
"Gamzee… I don't know if I like you that way" he said eventually, even meaning the words.
He really didn't know.
There was certainly a lot of chemistry going on between them, but he couldn't tell whether there were feelings involved as well.
Gamzee shrugged and squeezed the other's hand.
"I don't know is better than: No, dude I am not fucking gay!"
He chuckled.
"Maybe we should take it motherfucking slow, right? Hang out a bit and… get to really know each other I guess."
Tavros nodded and smiled, happy but confused about the unexpected outcome.
"Just uh, hanging out would be nice."