Thanks very much to everyone for the kind reviews, sorry again that it's taken me a while to update. Not sure if the places or dates are 100 acurate but meh it is fan fiction and I'm forgetful so bare with me please lol. Hope people keep on reading lol, enjoy the chapter :-)
Shawn sat blanketed in the shadows, the cold air nipping and kissing at his shivering body. Still he didn't move. He carried on sitting on the cold stoop, his hair billowing about his face in the frosty darkness of the porch.
The house was silent as he raised the neck of the glass bottle to his quivering lips and swigged. He gulped the bitterly sour liquid greedily, eager to drown the memories.
You won't wipe out what you did.
"I can try" croaked Shawn his voice raw with the weight of unshed tears.
He blinked savagely, his heart thumping in his chest as the terrified face of his beautiful wife flared before his eyes again.
What would you have done if he swallowed one?
"He wouldn't,"
"Couldn't" corrected Shawn a surge of fury fleeting through his veins, "He couldn't have swallowed one. Child proof. They were child proof!"
Could you forgive yourself?
The voice berated him relentlessly
"It doesn't matter 'cause he couldn't have swallowed any" he muttered agitatedly.
Let's just say he could have. Would you be able to live with yourself? Would Rebecca?
"HE WOULDN'T HAVE SWALLOWED ANY!"roared Shawn hurling the bottle with all his might.
It shattered leaving a spray of glass in its wake. He sat, his chest heaving with rage as he glanced at the glistening shards in the dimness.
He kneaded his eyes with balled up fists desperately trying to erase the look from his small son's face as he held the pills so casually, like a flag of shame and weakness in front of him.
His own face flamed red at the thought.
You could have seriously hurt him.
"I know!" He spat the syllables through clenched teeth as he dug his knuckles into his temple, the anger mounting.
Then what are you gonna do about it?
He grabbed at fistfuls of hair, let out a murmur of drunken despair as the hot sear of pain shot through his scalp.
He staggered to his feet, ignoring the crunch of glass beneath his boots as he stumbled back into the kitchen his body weaving and whacking against the wooden doorframe.
He picked up the phone from the kitchen counter and dialled the familiar number, listened to it ring impatiently.
"Hello?"
"She left me" he mumbled
"Shawn?" Kevin's bewilderment crackled down the line
"She left me" he repeated his voice thick with booze and tears
"What happened?" sighed Kevin. He was used to rambling phone calls, had lost count of the times Shawn had made these types of statements. He'd announced that Sunny had left him late one night after a cocktail of pills only to find that she had in fact gone out with her friends. Something Shawn had prior knowledge of but couldn't remember in his intoxicated state. Kevin had calmed him that night too.
"She took Cameron and she left!" barked Shawn agitatedly
Tell him why.
"Shawn have you been drinking?"
"No"
"Have you taken any pills?"
"No"
Liar.
Kevin sighed again.
"Are you sure Becky didn't just take him to your Mom's?"
"Yeah she went to Mom's and left me" said Shawn his voice cracking.
Kevin nibbled at his lip as he heard his friend exhale shakily.
A terse canyon of silence stretched between them.
"Cam, Cameron g-got my pills"
The confession finally spilled forth on a deep sob, Shawn spluttered against the handset which trembled in his loose grip.
Kevin felt his heart lurch into his throat.
"Did he swallow any?" he asked trying to keep his voice steady.
"No" wept Shawn, "But he could have couldn't he Kev?"
Kevin remained mute not knowing what course to take. Of course he could have swallowed some. Then again Shawn already knew that.
"Kev? He could have couldn't he and then, and th-then h-h-he…" Shawn sobs intensified.
"Whoa,, calm down Shawn"
"Wh-what would you do if Tristan sw-swallowed something he shouldn't?"
Like Kev would be dumb enough to leave painkillers where his son could reach them.
"Kev?"
Kevin glanced at his watch. It was late but not late enough that he couldn't get out to San Antonio if needs be.
" Kev?"
The small and frightened plea jolted him back to the matter at hand.
"Shawn, stay where you are ok?"
Like you've got so many places to go.
"Why?" asked Shawn shakily
"I'm gonna come through and see you"
"No you don't have to do that"
Yes because you're totally fine aren't you?
"It won't take that long"
"Kev it'll take three hours, look don't I'm fine please" He tried his best to stall the tears
Don't try back-pedalling now. If you hadn't got totally wasted he wouldn't be so worried.
"Shut up" seethed Shawn bitingly
Silence buzzed down the line as Kevin licked chafed lips worriedly.
"Who you talking to Shawn?"
Go on Shawn; tell him you talk to voices in your head. That'll calm Kev.
Shawn remained mute, the phone hot and heavy in his sweating palm. He flung it to the table top in annoyance and stormed from the room not caring that Kevin was still talking into the receiver.
He sank against the sofa; his eyes wet with the remains of salty tears and glanced around the empty room.
His gaze fell on the container standing like a beacon of disgrace on the mantelpiece where Rebecca had placed it before taking their small son into the hallway as they had wordlessly put on their coats and left.
It taunted him; the anger pulsated and burned in his ears. He stormed to his feet and crossed the room snatching at the pills.
He didn't want to remember her stricken face any longer. He refused to allow the shame and guilt to tear at his heart. He needed numbness and Jack Daniels wasn't quite up to the job tonight.
Half of them ended up on the floor, slipping through his trembling fingers as he poured the small bottle back crunching the others savagely with his teeth.
Shouldn't drink and take drugs.
"Don't give a fuck" spat Shawn wiping his mouth roughly with the back of his hand.
You could kill yourself
"Oh yeah? Well good" he snapped
You think Rebecca's gonna agree with you?
Shawn felt the stab of regret pierce his heart. He had a wife and child. He wasn't in Birmingham drowning in a cold, dark sea of loneliness. He was in San Antonio voluntarily diving into the murky waters of self pity and selfishness.
He sighed; the breath trembled and heaved in despair around him. He wished he could go back to Alabama and refuse those stupid pills. Hell he'd fling the dirty fuckers from Marty's palm and save them both.
Too bad time travel is restricted to movies and books.
"Too bad you're just an annoying voice" snapped Shawn angrily
That you listen to
"Shut the fuck up!"
Instead of arguing with the imaginary voice in your warped mind shouldn't you be trying to save your sad little existence?
Shawn felt a shiver run through him as he remembered his stupidity of mixing pills and alcohol. The last time he'd tried something like that he'd been in Syracuse and the night had not ended well.
He stumbled from the room, barged into the downstairs bathroom not caring that the wooden door cracked against the wall in his urgency. He dropped to his knees in front of the porcelain bowl, his heart hammering profusely in his chest as he raised slick fingers to his mouth.
He retched as he drove his fingers back, felt tears spring to his eyes, the fluid stinging them red.
With a stomach churning heave he splattered the bowl with the foul substance, wrinkled his nose up as the tears trickled down his pasty face. His throat burned and his head felt light as the drink and drugs were forcefully evicted from his system.
He leaned back on his haunches, his stomach spinning, and wiped the remains of vomit from the corners of his mouth. He ran a shaking hand through sweat sluiced hair and felt the sticky trail of tears against his burning cheeks. He hated being sick.
He hated himself more. He wished he was still the naïve Texan he'd been back when he'd entered the wrestling business, the boy full of dreams, full of life. Full of hope. The boy who had a conscience and ethics.
Fuck Shawn ,what a great success story you turned out to be.