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Will's POV
As happy as Sonny is that he can help his dad, that's how heavy the stone of fear is weighing on my heart. Today Sonny went back to the hospital to do additional tests, and if all is going well they will set a date for the transplantation. I am tired from all the emotions raging through me like a roller coaster. One moment I am happy for Justin, the next moment I am sure everything is going to end in a disaster. Last night I had a dream about the surgery and my dream did not have a happy ending. I was happy Sonny had already left for the hospital because I woke up panting and sweating, and my heart was pounding in my chest. For the umpteenth time I take a deep breath, trying to get rid of the feeling like I cannot breath. I decide to go out, go somewhere, try to empty my head. I don't want Sonny to know I am a bit of a mess, I just want to support him all the way through without him having to worry about me. I get into my car and start driving with no particular destination in mind. After driving for about an hour I park my car and look at the house in front of me. Even though I did not plan to come here, I am not surprised I do end up here. I get out of the car and walk to the front door. After a while it swings open and my sweet grandmother welcomes me inside with open arms. She just holds me close and whispers in my ear:
"I heard it in town..."
I wonder what she heard exactly, whether she knows everything or just that Justin has a liver tumour.
"They said there was nothing they could do anymore."
There is my answer and I break our hug:
"There is more to it grandma, can we... can we talk?"
"Of course honey, always."
We walk into the living room and sit close on the sofa. I remember all the times we have been here before. So many times where I was a mess for so many reasons, for having a broken home, for growing up, but most of all for accepting myself. The room feels safe and as always I feel myself calm down in my grandmothers presence.
"So, what else is there, honey?"
"Euh... Justin went to another doctor for a second opinion... and that doctor suggested a partial liver transplantation."
"OK, that sounds like there is still hope..."
"Yeah..."
I am not sure how to continue. The stone on my heart feels more present that ever and I feel my throat tighten with the tears that seem to be ready to flow. My grandmother must sense my emotions and she put her arms around me and pulls my head to hear shoulder.
"Take your time sweety."
"It's just... the transplant liver is from a living donor..."
I stop again and just lean on my grandmother's shoulder to find a bit more strength to continue, and eventually I do:
"Sonny's is giving part of his liver to his dad."
I am crying now, but it's a soundless cry where the tears just stream over my face without stopping.
"I'm so afraid to lose him, you know. The operation is risky and I just cannot lose him... I love him so much. What if it goes wrong?"
"Oh honey..."
She just holds me and I just let it all out, my fears, my worries, and my deepest feelings. She strokes my arm and my shoulders trying to calm me down. When I finally do, and the tears stop running down, she pulls my head up so we can look at each other.
"Does Sonny know how you feel... that your scared?"
"I haven't told him really, I want to be strong so he can lean on me... You know, a few days ago he was so sad when he came home. I had to undress him, hold him under the shower because he just couldn't do anything, he was completely numb. And he suddenly started shouting... I just... I just don't want him to have to worry about me when I should take care of him."
"I love you honey, you are so sweet and caring... but this is wrong sweety. He is showing you how he feels, so he deserves to know how you feel. And I don't think you are asking him to not do it, I think you just want him to be OK because you love him. He should know that honey, he should know how much you love him...it will give him strength."
"You think?"
"Hmmm."
I put my head back on her shoulder and just enjoy the familiar safe feeling, knowing she knows me inside out and loves me for everything I am.
"Thanks grandma."
"You're welcome honey... and just for the record... I think you have found yourself a wonderful young man to walk through life with. What he is doing for Justin... I admire that."
I take a deep breath:
"Yeah, he's amazing."
(...)
When I park my car in front of our apartment building I see Sonny's car a few spots away. I go upstairs and open the door into our living room. I hear the shower running and see that dinner is ready. I set the table for the both of us and wait for my boyfriend to join me. I feel am bit nervous, but I am determined to follow my grandmother's advice and tell Sonny of my fears. She is right, he deserves to know.
"Hi babe."
He is walking out of the bathroom, wearing just his sweats. His hair is still dripping wet and the drops fall on his naked shoulders. He is so beautiful...
"Hi."
I suddenly stand up and pull him into a tight embrace feeling his wet hair in my face, ear and neck. I just hold him like I never want to let him go.
"Are you OK honey?"
His voice is sweet and I hear his concern for me.
"Just... I just have to hold you for a while..."
"OK."
His arms are strong around me and I can feel his heart beat against my chest. His shampoo smells like home, and his breath against my skin makes me shiver slightly. He is not asking why we are standing here like this, he just lets it happen.
"I spoke with Grandma Marlena today..."
He doesn't respond, but I know he is listening and waiting for me to continue.
"She said you deserve to know how I feel, just like you show me how you feel."
His arms squeeze a little tighter around my waist and I feel how our bodies seem to melt together. I feel his lips on my neck, just a soft brush as if he want to encourage me to tell him everything that is in my heart.
"I want to be strong for you and I promise I will support you through this, I promise Sonny..."
"I know."
"It's just that..."
I take a deep breath and decide to go for it:
"When I was younger I never felt I belonged somewhere... I felt homeless and restless... and then I met you... and you were so different... so confident and strong, you know."
His hands are rubbing circles on my back and I am glad he is not pulling back to look into my eyes because I am sure I would have lost it. I close my eyes and continue:
"And then I fell in love with you, completely in love with you and you made me feel secure, safe and like I belong with you... and ever since we are together I feel complete, like I'm whole, finally.
I let my hands stroke his strong, slightly wet naked back and feel his muscles move to draw the calming circles on my back.
"But at the same time I know that these feelings for you can also break me down completely. Sonny... you can make me or break me..."
Despite my determination not to cry I feel a single tear sliding down my face, dripping down on his still wet shoulder. I am not sure if he notices because his hair is also still dripping from his shower. I hope my voice is steady when I continue again:
"I'm so scared Sonny. All I can think about is the risks of the operation, about losing you, about all the horrible things that can happen. I love you, I love you so much and I need you to be OK Sonny. I need you to be alright. Please be alright..."
The last words are almost soundless and I am not sure whether he heard it. I feel how he is trying to pull back so we can look at each other but I hold on tight, not yet ready to look into his eyes.
"Will, look at me."
"Not yet Sonny."
"Will, common look at me."
I let go of the tight grip I have on his body and let him hold my face between his hands. The emotions swimming in his eyes make them dark brown and as always I hold my breath a little while looking straight into them.
"I love you Will, I love you so much. And I am scared too, I read the risks too and I am so scared they might come true. But I have to believe that this can make my father better because I am not ready to lose him yet. But I will be alright honey, I love you so much."
His loves for me shows in the fire in the eyes and I let out a deep breath. I feel his breath only lips and soon after his soft lips are on mine, kissing me soft and tender. When I feel his tongue on my bottom lip I immediately let him in to deepen the kiss. I feel the emotions in him change slightly when his lips become stronger, firmer, as though he wants to brand me as his own. When he lets go he leans his forehead against mine and he smiles when he says:
"Besides, I promised you a wedding..."
(...)
The surgery will take place the day after tomorrow. Both Sonny and his dad will be admitted tomorrow to prepared for surgery. We have decided to go out today, just the two of us. And we have accepted the offer to have dinner tonight at the mansion. I just woke up and look at Sonny who is still asleep. His hair is deliciously messy and I decide I will take every opportunity today to touch it. His face is relaxed and his lips are parted slightly, so I also decide I will kiss those lips as much as I want today. His shoulders and arms are strong and masculine and his chest looks like it was made to be my pillow. I smile and push away and urgent need to lay my head down on my living pillow because I don't want to wake him yet. I look at his stomach, yesterday he showed me the place where the scar will be. He suddenly looked insecure, afraid of my reaction. But I could not care less, and I kissed his insecurity away. I am sure I will love his scar, it will mean Sonny is alive and well, and it shows his beautiful personality so I will love it no matter what. He is waking up and I don't even try to hide that I have been watching him sleep. He smiles when he opens his eyes immediately meeting mine:
"Creep."
I remember my decisions and I roll closer to him and hide my hand in his soft hair, and lean over to kiss him on his lips. I curl into his side and finally use his chest as my pillow. I put my hand exactly on the place where the scar will be and I feel his hand covering mine.
"So what do you want to do today?"
His other hand goes through my short blond hair and I try to focus to give him an answer. I fail terribly and finally give up:
"I don't know."
"That's OK, I have something in mind and I am sure you will love it."
"OK, what is it."
"Let's go swimming in that new tropical paradise they opened a month ago."
"If that means you will be wearing nothing but swim shorts all day than I am definitely all for it."
He laughs and pulls my hair:
"Will, I'll do anything to get you half naked all day."
He reaches for his phone and decides for the both of us that it is time to get up, get dressed and head to the pool. However, despite our best intentions it takes us an hour to get ready, but we both enjoy our playful cuddling while getting dressed and having breakfast. When we finally arrive at the pool it is quite busy. We both get changed and I see his eyes light up when he sees me in my swim shorts. He smiles and for one second I seriously consider dragging him back home, close the door and make love to him all day. But I suddenly realise he is already feeling the temperature of the water in the pool that is used for people who want to swim tracks. We both dive in and swim tracks for about half an hour and then I point Sonny towards the more recreational pools including a large bubble bath. The bubble bath is a large round pool where people can sit around the side. Sonny smiles and walks towards the bubble bath so I follow him into the warm water. Without a second thought I sit down between Sonny's legs and lean my back into his chest. His arms are around me immediately and his chin is on my shoulder. I just lean my head back and lay it on Sonny's shoulder. I pull his arms tighter around my chest and intertwine our hands. We wanted today to be just about today so I decide to just enjoy the feeling of being completely surrounded by the one person I want to spent forever with. No thoughts of tomorrow, or the day after. No thoughts of risks, complications, hospitals and doctors. I close my eyes, and despite all the fear and worries, I allow myself to just be happy in my boyfriends arms.
(...)
Around eleven we come home from our dinner at the mansion. It was emotional, but we also had a good time with Sonny's parents talking about how they met and fell in love. When we left, Adrienne hugged me close whispering in my ear that we will stay strong together while our men will be in surgery. She kissed my cheek the way she does with Sonny and squeezed my hands. I nodded:
"They'll be just fine right?"
She smiled:
"They'll be just fine."
And now we are home and we decide to go to bed because we have to leave early for Sonny's morning admission. I try to find ways to slow down the time, and find myself fighting to stay awake. If am afraid to fall asleep and then wake up having to leave for the hospital already.
"Go to sleep honey."
I hear Sonny whisper to me sleepily. I thought he was already asleep but apparently he is not.
"It's alright, I'm quite happy holding you like this for a while."
He lifts up his head from my chest:
"Stop worrying babe."
"I can't, but it's OK, I'm OK, you need to sleep so you'll be strong and fit for what's coming."
"You need to relax sweety, I cannot sleep when you're all tense and stressed."
"I'm sorry... you want me to sleep on the couch."
He shoots up from where he is lying:
"What?"
"Just so you can sleep properly Sonny."
"Seriously Will..."
He suddenly shifts and lies down again but this time his body is completely on top of me. His hands are in my hair and my hands rest on his lower back. His lips are everywhere, on my eyes, my nose, my lips, my neck.
"Sonny stop..Sonny, we can't do this... Sonny..."
"What Will?"
He sits up, his bottom cradled against my thighs.
"Sonny, its half past eleven, you have to leave early and you have to keep your strength and energy..."
"I'm not sick Will."
"I know that..."
He leans down again, kissing me firmly on my lips:
"I have to go into hospital tomorrow, and I have surgery the day after. My boyfriend is stressed out and I am scared. All I want to do is make love to you now so that when things get rough in a couple of days we can both remember this."
I don't say anything, I am not really able to because his mouth his already on mine again. The way he kisses me makes me dizzy and light headed and his touch makes my body tremble. As always, our love making is tender, sweet and fuelled by deep emotions and feelings burning inside of us. In our afterglow we curl up in each other, resting our foreheads together so we can look in each other's eyes.
"So now I have two things to think about when I need something to keep believing."
He is sleepy and just raises his eyebrows:
"This and..."
I lean forward to touch our noses together and say softly:
"We just had amazing sex and now you're all sleepy so I'll forgive you for letting it slip your mind..."
I suddenly see a smile that shows he knows what I mean:
"The wedding I promised you.."
We both smile and he looks into my eyes one more time before he falls asleep:
"Believe me baby, that never slips my mind..."