Patrice kept her head down, avoiding eye contact and wiped a tear that had slipped down her cheek. She took a shaky breath in and tried to hide her depression. Poor thing. Why would she hide what's she's feeling? I let everyone know what I'm feeling. Then again, I do get in a lot of fights… Alright that's not the key issue right now.
Evan met her half way and pulled her in for a hug. He looked at her confused, but she only shook her head in response.
Cassie nudged my arm and pulled me up, following the doctor back to the room. I glanced over at Brett and he was walking towards me and Cassie. Shit! I was not ready for this. I looked at Cassie and she smiled sweetly and gave me an encouraging nod. I felt Brett next to me and without looking grabbed his hand.
This was just too damn familiar. The past few years have been amazing. They were filled with passion and friendships and laughs and memories and love. But there was plenty of fighting and loss and pain and suffering and jealousy and heartache embedded in the happiness. I love Brett. I know I do. But is it worth it? I mean is this what our life together going to be like? Fighting and bickering and disagreements and depression and awkwardness until we finally give up and give in and start the cycle over ten minutes later? I'm exhausted from our fifteen minute fight, am I really ready for a lifetime of tolerance and endless fighting?
For the first time in my life, I doubted my relationship with Brett. I never thought I would, but now that I am, I'm realizing these thoughts have been there for a while; I was just too scared to admit them.
Cassie linked her arm through mine, sensing my distress. She sent me a concerned look, I mouthed 'later' and she nodded slowly. The distress must have been apparent in my eyes; I could feel it on my face. My hand went limp in Brett's and I felt his arm go stiff. Dear God, what was happening to us?
Evan and Patrice hung back a few feet behind us, whispering secretively. We rounded the corner and the doctor held a patient door open. Brett, Cassie and I went in, while Patrice stayed out with Evan to talk to the doctor.
Kendra was sitting on the side of the bed, holding Archie's hand. He looks tired, like he hadn't slept in two days. His hair was sticking up in all directions and he had dark circles under his eyes. Kendra gave me a small smile, but she didn't look much better. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a messy bun and she was sweats, something I hardly ever see her in. Her face looked tired, not just physically but emotionally as well.
Archie's face light up just a little bit when he saw us. That's good, I mean c'mon who wouldn't' be ecstatic if they saw me walk in the room? I am honored that I can provide such happiness to everyone around me. It's my own form of community service.
Cassie walked over to give Archie a hug, he barely responded, looking like he didn't have the physical strength to lift his arms. Wow, he must be weaker than I thought.
"Hey Ken," Cassie said softly, before enveloping Kendra into a much needed hug.
This all felt so weird. Whenever we were here it felt like we were all different people. It seemed impossible that all the serious and devastated people in the room were the same people laughing and hanging out by the pool just enjoying each other's company last week.
I awkwardly let go of Brett's hand and went to sit next to Kendra on the bed, while Brett and Cassie leaned against the wall next to Archie's bed. I grabbed Kendra's hand and could see the raw pain in her eyes.
God, how does she go through this every day? Watching the one she loves in pain and falling apart right in front of her eyes. If it was Brett on in the hospital bed, I would never be able to sit there calmly. Hell, when he twisted his knee in football I was in more pain than he was.
"So, how you doin man?" Brett asked with concern in his eyes. His blue eyes. His beautiful blue eyes. Stop it Lucy. That's not exactly helping anything right now.
He shrugged, a nonchalant look on his face. "Fine. No worse than usual. Doctors suck man, every time I come in here they tell me I'm gonna die and I'm always fine." He shook his head and seeing the hurt on Kendra's eyes, squeezed her hand and repeated "I'm always fine."
"Doctors just exaggerate." He explained, turning back to Brett. "The longer I'm in here, the more money they get. That's all they care about."
Kendra looked like she was about to curl up into a ball and drown in tears. I knew she wouldn't dare cry here, she always said how she needed to be strong for Archie. But knowing from experience, a person can only hold things in for so long.
"So, you're okay then Archie?" Cassie asked softly.
"Yeah I should be. I'll have to be here for a few more days for like recovery and stuff but I think the surgery helped a lot." I'm not really sure if that was true or if he just added that in for Kendra's benefit.
I smiled at Archie and went to stand next to Cassie, while Brett asked Archie more questions.
"He seems fine, why was Patrice crying?" I asked her quietly.
"You know her, she always cries when he's here, just like Kendra does."
"Yeah, but she's not in love with Archie." I retorted confused, what was her deal?
"Yeah, but he was her only friend for like ever."
"That is true," I nodded, realizing how much of a nerd Patrice is. "No one has ever really liked her."
"Oh, Lucy. I will never get used to the compassion that just rolls off of you." She smirked, nudging me with her elbow. I nudged her back and smiled before looking over at Kendra.
Kendra looked at Archie with tear filled eyes. It looked like she wasn't really paying attention to what Brett was telling Archie. Good. Brett looked at her with sympathy. Douche bag.
My anger towards Brett was pushed aside and my friendship with Kendra went to the top of my priorities list.
"Ya know what, Ken, you look really tired. Why don't you come down to the cafeteria with me and Cassie and give the guys some time to talk?" I asked as sweetly as possible. Cassie nodded her head in encouragement and smiled at Kendra.
"Uh, I don't know…" she started, looking at Archie.
He smiled. "Go babe. I'm fine, really."
"Okay." she sighed, forcing a smile. She got up and kissed his forehead, giving her best smile, and I knew he saw through it. I stood up and grabbed her hand when she turned back around, and walked out with Cassie right behind us.
Patrice and Evan were further down the hallway than when we went in. They were standing by a reception desk, talking to some of the nurses.
I could see the pure relief Kendra had in her eyes to be out of there and be able to show her emotions, and I knew Cassie saw it too. Cassie grabbed her other hand and we made for the cafeteria.
"So how are you, Kendra?" I asked looking at her worriedly.
"I'm fin-"
"You're obviously not fine," I cut off. "How are you doing, Ken? Really?"
She sighed, a tear rolling down her cheek. One of the many she had been concealing.
"It sucks. Its sucks so much. Seeing him lying there and not being able to do anything about it." More tears fell as she spoke through the sobs caught in her throat. "I just- I know I have to be strong because if I'm upset than he feels bad and he gets upset and that doesn't help his health and then I feel even worse because I'm making him upset by being upset and god I just wish there was something I could do! I'm so friggin useless, just sitting there watching him suffer and I can't- I can- I ca-" her tears turned into sobs during her rant, and now she was full on weeping. She collapsed and sat down, leaning against the wall.
Her head was in her hands, her knees to her chest, her whole body turned in. Me and Cassie exchanged a look of nothing but worry and concern. We sat on either side of her and each grabbed a hand. No one said anything; we just sat there letting Kendra get out what she needed to.
Kendra's whole body shook and she started choking on her own air, not being able to force oxygen down her tear-producing throat. My heart broke watching her completely unravel in front of me.
I gently grabbed her head and placed it on my shoulder, wrapping my arm around her trembling back. I kissed the top of her head, before resting my cheek on it.
I felt Cassie place her head on Kendra's shoulder still holding onto her hand and wrapped her other arm around Kendra's waist.
The three of us sat there in silence for the next few minutes, hell it could have been hours, time seemed to freeze. No one knew what to say. Eventually Kendra's sobs stopped until the tears were streaming down silently, and then finally stopped.
If Brett or any one of the guys had witnessed they would have thought I was possessed. None of them knew I was capable of not being a total bitch all the time, and I had every intention of keeping it that way.
Kendra was my best friend and yeah we bitch it out like all friends do, I'm always there for her and vice versa. The same goes for Cassie and Molly and Charlotte. They're the ones that keep me grounded and the ones I depend on and trust with my life and seeing Kendra like this was practically killing me.
Patrice is another story. We have had our differences. Well, more like major differences. So yeah letting her see me nice and sweet and vulnerable is something I don't need her having against me.
Evan and Archie not as much. They know I can tone it down, and that's as much as they're gonna know. When Evan first moved here, he got me at my bitchiest, right when I had to steal Brett from Kendra. So anything after that was considered nice to him, but he knows how bad it can get. Archie is the one guy I show it more. I mean, c'mon the kid's in a hospital! I do have a heart. And seeing him lying in a hospital bed, practically dying, doesn't really give me motivation for a bitch fest.
Brett is very on and off with it. I'm sure he knows, because my girls have always said what I've done for them, which he hardly ever believes. But when it's just me and him and there is nothing left to fight over and we are just happy being with each other, I'm not gonna be a bitch and ruin it. He's knows I can shut up, and he knows ways to shut me up, but he also knows that he'll get it just as bad as the next guy. I bitch at him more than anyone, mainly because I know he won't get pissed and leave me for it. I think it actually turns him on, which is never a disadvantage.
As for all the other idiots Brett insists are friends, there is no way in hell they will ever catch me being nice. For one, I'm always mad when I'm around them, so bitchiness will just come naturally. And two, I don't need them thinking they can walk all over me.
A few minutes after Kendra's tears had stopped, Cassie spoke up.
"You're not useless, Kendra." She whispered. "You're so far from."
"But I am," she answered with a hoarse voice, taking her head off my shoulder and pushing the stray hair out of her face. "There is nothing I can do but sit there and watch him die."
"Kendra he's fine, you saw him. The surgery helped, he will make it through this." Cassie told her.
"Yeah, but what if next time he comes in and he's worse and I'm not able to-"
"Kendra, if you weren't here, he wouldn't be fighting this hard." I told her insistently, placing my hands on her cheeks so she'll look me in the eyes. "He loves you and he needs you here with him. If you weren't here, he would have given up long ago."
"You think so?" she asked hesitantly.
"I know." I smiled.
"Thanks," she replies sighing, and wrapping her arms around me and Cassie. "I love you, guys"
"I love you too," Cassie giggled.
"Love ya too, girly," I said, happy that she wasn't all depressed anymore. Kendra was supposed to be happy and bubbly; when she was sad it was like the universe was collapsing.
"Alright, I've had more than enough drama for one day." I said standing up and offering my hands to Cassie and Kendra. "I need coffee." I pulled them up and we headed towards the cafeteria.
"So, how are you and Brett, Luce?" Kendra asked innocently. Great, this was so not a good time for this to come up. I looked away and played with my hair trying to say something that wouldn't sound bad.
"Uh…" I stuttered.
"Touchy subject Ken," Cassie answered smirking. Damn that bitch. "There's trouble in paradise."
"We're not anywhere near paradise, Cas." I replied letting acid leak into my tone. This was so not something I wanted to discuss in front of Kendra.
"Luce, what's wrong?" Kendra asked, voice worried. Great, now I have to talk about it.
"Nothing, Kendra." I said with my best fake smile. "Everything's cool."
"She's just jealous as always." Cassie added, god what the fuck is her problem right now? "Jealous of his ex-girlfriends, jealous of his friends, jealous of random strangers on the street. Her possession has reached a whole new level."
I am going to fucking kill this bitch.
"Oh, okay." Kendra giggled, knowing how true most of it was.
Right when I was about to start bitching at Cassie and possibly make her cry, because let's face it, when I want to, I can really hurt someone, Kendra's cell rang.
She reached in her sweatshirt pocket and looked at the caller id.
"Dammit," she swore under her breath.
"Who is it, Ken?" Cassie asked, looking over her shoulder.
"Archie's mom. Crap, she's gonna want to know how he's doing."
"Kendra let it go to voicemail and you can call her later. Take your mind off of everything for a few minutes." I told her, knowing she would not be ready to have that conversation.
"No, it's okay. I got it," she said, walking backwards, "You guys go, I'll meet you there." She turned around and answered her phone. "Hi, Mrs. Walker, how are you-" her voice got quieter as she turned the corner.
Now to deal with Cassie.
"What the hell were you doing?" I shrieked, once I was certain Kendra was out of walking distance.
She rolled her eyes and kept walking. "Lucy, calm down. I knew you weren't going to tell Kendra what you told me and you were so efficiently coming up with an answer," she smirked sarcastically. "So, I just told her something completely believable."
"What? I am not jealous! How is that believable?"
She raised her eyebrows.
"Shut up."
She just laughed in response.
I playfully shoved her; this day had been such a blur. I don't know whether I'm mad or happy or grateful or bored or annoyed or content. This sucks so much.
Like this morning, it was just me and Brett. Just hanging out, in pure silence, enjoying each other's company. And I was happy I really, truly was. But then the whole text message thing happened and it destroyed all my previous happiness and put me in a horrible mood, which I'm still in now by the way, and one stupid fight about him talking to Molly, turned into something so much bigger.
I mean, now that I'm thinking about it, I really don't know where I stand with Brett. I know I love him, but is it enough anymore? Since we started dating all those years ago, we knew we'd end up together. We'd talk about our future and our life together, but never actually made plans and decisions.
Sure, when we were happy and everything was all lovey-dovey, I never wanted to leave his side. I just wanted to stay with him forever and never have to live without him.
But, when we fought…
It just ruined all the happy things we had. And we had many more fights than happy moments. Hell, our fights started in our happy moments. It just seemed so pointless, and it felt like we shouldn't even bother anymore. We weren't really getting anywhere; we're practically the same as we were when we were fourteen, except older, taller, and more horny, if that's at all possible.
I just didn't want to wake up in ten years and still be fighting and arguing and never being able to see eye to eye on anything. I do want to have a normal life, and I honestly don't see that happening with Brett.
My heart is aching at thought, but it's just logical. I will always love him, but we have been doing the same thing for so long.
There were times where our fights would be too intense and we both would say things we could never take back and we'd break up and date other people and try to return to a normal life. But the whole time, we'd be as jealous as hell and silently suffering and doing everything in our power to make sure the other was miserable until we finally couldn't handle it anymore and one of us would surrender and give in and we'd be back together and back in love and everything would be the same as before we broke up.
We had always ended up back with each other, but I was able to date other people and I was happy with them. Brett was the first person I ever really loved. Maybe I was just hung up on that? And too scared to let that go? I don't want to waste my life on something that wasn't going to amount to anything.
After walking down a series of complex corridors we reached the cafeteria. We each added about twelve sugar packets to our coffee, knowing we would never have the energy to deal with the day without it.
We sat down at a table in the corner and waited for Kendra to come. I kept my eyes down, not really in the mood for talking.
But of course, Cassie wasn't letting me get my way.
"Lucy, c'mon what's wrong?"
I kept quiet for a minute. Should I tell her? I might as well, she will find out eventually anyway, and I really didn't want to tell Kendra and give her something else to think about. I took a deep breath and looked up into Cassie's curious brown eyes.
"I think I'm going to break up with Brett."
Her eyes widened. She opened her mouth to respond but no noise came out. She looked utterly confused and if I was in a good mood I would be laughing at her right now, but this was a conversation that did not count for laughing.
Then Cassie started giggling.
Well so much for that.
"Ya know, that's funny, Lucy." She said in between giggles. She calmed down and shook her head as if to clear her mind of what I had said. "Seriously, though. What's wrong?" she brought her coffee to her lips.
"I am serious. I think it's time we break it off."
I swear to god I thought she was going to spit her coffee out at me.
"What? Why? When did you- How did you- Wha- Why?" she stuttered.
"Well said." I replied bitchily, rolling my eyes. "But think about it Cass, we have been together for like forever now, and we're not really going anywhere. It just makes sense to break it off now instead of doing it in three years when we have wasted precious time in our lives."
"Lucy, I don't know what the hell you are talking about. You have been madly in love with Brett since you met him!"
"Love fades, Cassie. What me and Brett had was great. Amazing. But we can't pretend it's still there."
"Had? Lucy it is still there! Who the hell are you?" she looked shocked and also kind of scared. Honestly, so was I. When I was thinking about it, it was just some random thought in my head and now I said it and it makes it seem so much more real and god dammit I think I'm going through with it.
My head was pounding and the cafeteria walls were spinning. I literally felt sick right now. It was like I was high off of adrenaline. This can't seriously be happening, can it? Me and Brett love each other and have been through everything together. But the spark we had did fade, and it's not the same.
I am the most conflicted person in history.
"Cass, it's just not working anymore. Okay? All we ever do is fight." I told her, my voice reflecting how tired I was with this conversation.
"Lucy! Fighting is your guys' thing! That's what you do! It's how you express your love!" she was nearly shouting at this point, and a couple people were staring strangely.
"I'm not really sure there is a love to express anymore Cassie."
"Who are you and what the fuck have you done with my best friend?"
"I'm me, Cassie. I just-"
"No!" she cut me off, annoyance, confusion, and anger all apparent in her eyes. "My best friend would never dream of dumping Brett! Brett the guy you fought for, for years. The same guy you stole from your best friend. The same guy you have been in love with since you knew what love was. The same guy you have claimed yours for as long as any of us can remember. The same guy who loves you! And my best friend wouldn't be able to sit here and discuss this calmly. She'd be crying and freaking out and terrified of losing the greatest thing that ever happened to her."
"Look Cassie." I started, completely fed up with this conversation. "I loved Brett, I did. But one person can only take so much. We've been together for years, and we're slipping quickly. All we do is fight, we don't even make up anymore because it's pointless. We'll just end up back where we started. I'm ending it with Brett so we can both be happy with our lives. Okay? God, I can't believe you actually think you have a say in this!" I laughed my signature bitch laugh, and threw my coffee cup in the garbage on my way out of the cafeteria.
I walked down the halls to find Brett and do what I needed to do.
…if only I knew what I needed to do.