A\N This is a very hostile, screaming chapter. Approach with caution and do not cross the yellow tape. PS The Xiaolin News is now in SMELLO-VISION! When the screen tells you, put on your 3-D nose and enjoy the vomit-endorsing smells of the cartoon world!
Me: Hello, my adoring public! I am commonly known as Big Creepy Voice from Above and NOT Erika in anyway (Clay) and I'd like to mention to anyone who think's I'm Erika (Clay) that I am, in fact, NOT Erika (Clay). Not to point fingers (Clay) but I believe this is an unjust accusation (Clay) and the person saying these things (Clay) should stop (Clay) before I do something to said person (Clay). I know you do not believe in, say, fighting a girl (Not that I am CLAY), but I bet you believe in power saws, and I bet you believe that I have one, and I bet you believe I know where your Texas Butt-head is (Clay, Clay, Clay, CLAY, CLAY!). Coughs Uh, well, anyway, this is the Xiaolin News! perky smile, I am not guilty of murder smile, keep smiling…
Kimiko: You just said that out loud.
Me: NO I DIDN'T!
Kimiko: Yes, you—
Me: Here's you're nice, attractive, currently with her right-arranged face (but that could change…you know how these freak accidents can happen…)
Kimiko: Um, well…yeah, I'm just gonna go on ahead with the news…and whatnot cough, cough, faces audience. Hello, I'm Kimiko Tohomiko with your Xiaolin News at five. Our top story is of a devastating hurricane in east-side Xiaolin Manhattan. You're wondering how a hurricane can appear in Manhattan. Well, THIS IS A STORY, YOU DILLHOLE! WHAT'DYO EXCPECT, SKIPPING PAINSIES!?! clears throat Anyway, on the scene is our field reporter, Raimundo Won't-go-out-with-me Pedrosa. WHY NOT, RAI! HAVE YOU SEEN MY BUTT!?!
Zooms in on Raimundo, clutching a banana tree while a whistling wind blows him around.
Raimundo: YES I HAVE, KIMIKO! IT HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY! HI, I'M RAIMUNDO PEDROSA, HERE AT THE SCENE OF THE HURRICANE, WHICH IN RETROSPECT ISN'T ALL THAT SMART, CONSIDERING IT'S STILL BLOWING! I BLAME RAP MUSIC. OH, LOOK. HERE'S SOME PEOPLE WHO LOOK SLIGHTLING INTERESTING. MAYBE THEY WON'T HIT ME!
STICKS MICROPHONE IN—sorry, in faces of two teenagers, a pre-teenish girl who looks like poop, and a little boy. They have just joined Raimundo on the tree.
Poop-girl, Defender of All Things Turdy: GET THAT OUTTA MY FACE, WANKER!
RAIMUNDO: I JUST WANTED AN INTERVIEW!
Teenage Boy: IN THE MIDDLE OF A HURRICANE!?! DUDE!
Boy: WANNA KNOW WHAT JILL AND BOBART WERE DOING LAST NIGHT?
PGDOATT: I THINK WE ALL DO!
Teenage Girl: NO WE DON'T!
Raimundo: I DO!
PGDOATT: DO IT AND I'LL GET YOU A BIKE!
Teenage boy: WE'LL GET YOU A BIKE AND A GI JOE!
PGDOATT: BIKE, JOE, AND CANDY!
Teenage girl: BIKE, JOE, CANDY, AND A SKIRT!
Boy: Skirt, you say…
Raimundo: WHAT!?!
Boy turns to Our Turdiness.
Boy: WHAT ELSE YOU GOT!?!
The Royal Turd: BIKE, JOE, CANDY, SKIRT, AND MATCHING PUMPS!
Teenage Girl: WHATEVER SHE SAID, PLUS A MONKEY.
Teenage Boy: A MONKEY!
Raimundo: MONKEY'S ARE AWESOME, MAN!
Me: This is going nowhere. Let's move to SPORTS with—
Kimiko throws cumquat at me.
Kimiko:--Clay Bailey!
Zooms in on local dump. For full experience, please put on 3-D NOSES!
Kimiko: Where's Clay?
Me: shifts eyes I dunno…
Kimiko: I'm thinking you do…
Me: Nuh-uh.
Kimiko: Yuh-huh.
Me: Look, we can waste time blaming people who are me, or we can blame people who aren't me. How bout Raimundo? He's looking pretty suspicious.
Raimundo continues to argue with the kids. He looses his grip and flies with the wind out of sight.
Me: He's a bad seed, man…
Kimiko: I'm supposed to be the ditzy one, dude! Get your own thing!
Me: Why don't you, Cincinnati!?!
Kimiko: I'm from TOKYO! Cincinnati isn't even in Japan!
Me: See! You're SO much better fit to be the smart one!
Kimiko rolls eyes.
Me: See! You even got the sarcastic eye-rolling down!
Kimiko: You never roll your eyes!
Me: That you can see. Do you even know what I look like?
Kimiko: Uh…well…you got a mouth, I'm pretty sure of that!
Me: Or what I do for a living!
Kimiko: How could I!?! You never talk about your life!
Me: Well…nobody seemed interested…
Kimiko: --
Me: Keep talking and I'll plague you!
Kimiko: You can't do that!
Me: I'm the author, I can do whatever I damn-well please!
Omi pops out of nowhere and jabs finger at sky.
Omi: Erika cussed!
Me: BIG CREEPY VOICE FROM BEYOND!
Omi pops away, I'm guessing where ever Clay is…
Me: Clay's fine!
Obviously lying, Erika---
Kimiko: Where'd the caption go?
Me: Coffee break.
Kimiko: But—
Me: COFFEE BREAK! He went on a COFFEE BREAK!
Kimiko: But—
Me: Would you too like to go on a COFFEE BREAK!?!
Kimiko: Uh…
Me: (eye twitches).
Kimiko: No, thank you…
Dojo-cam joins Kimiko. Hi, I'm Kim!
Dojo: that's weird, I just saw Clay dangling from a stick on the sun. And Raimundo, and Omi, and the caption guy…
Dojo pops away.
Me: (clucks) Now, where did that darn lizard scamper off to!?!
Kimiko: I'm scared…
Me: DON'T BE! Let's watch some sports!
Clay's box is empty.
Me: How bout we check back in on the hurricane!
The tree is deserted, the strange children clinging to a tree elsewhere.
Me: Weather?
Omi's chart, now half-frozen by the Lunar Locket, is empty. The four kids pop up.
Turd Girl: We ain't strange kids!
Teenage Girl: Yeah, we're sitcom stars!
Teenage Boy: I'm Dylan!
Boy: I'm Robbie!
Turd Girl: I'm Jennifer!
Teenage Girl: I'm Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk-arman!
Jennifer: What's with the rolling?
Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk-arman: I'm trying it out. Hit it!
One, two, three, four…
Their cookie!
Their wacky!
Their crazy!
Their tacky!
Their just li-i-i-i-ike you—
Ecxept-they-are-orphans-living-together-in-a-South-Florida-condo-with-their-landlord-Tim-and-his-dog-Nuttercake-and-they-do-stuff-you-probably-wouldn't-do-and-not-get-arrested-for-like-that-time-they-set-the-school-onfire-because-their-teacher-Mrs. Fluff-told-everyone-to-read-Dr. Suess-yeah-that-was-awesome-man-well-actually-we-think-it-was-fluff-it-actually-could've-been-Mrs. Votkan-or-maybe-Mrs.Robeson-we're-not-even-sure-she-was-married-we-never-saw-a-ring-or-any-pictures-on-her-desk-that's-just-what-she-wrote-on-the-board-you-know-what-it-could've-even-be-a-man-teacher-we're-not-sure-that-was-in-like-season-one-and-now-it's-like-season-four-anyway-we-should-get-on-with-the-song-I-guess.
It's the wacky orphan—
Wacky-orphan—
Wacky Orphan—
Shooo-OOO-oow!
On today's episode—
Me: Can we not do this now!?!
Robbie: Why?
Me: We're doing a news thing!
Dylan: I don't see anyone else.
Looks around. Erika forgot she had—uh—sent Kimiko for some coffee while Hilary Duff ranted about orphans.
Me: Uh…well…I guess that's it, enjoy the Wacky orphan show!
Clay, Raimundo, Omi, Kimiko, Dojo, and the caption guy come barreling in. They are badly burnt.
Kimiko: That wasn't even cool, man!
Raimundo: What I do!?! I just fell off the friggin tree!
Clay: I wasn't even in this chapter!
Omi: Raimundo cussed!
Raimundo: You can send him back, if you want.
A\N Sorry for the lame chapter.