A/N: I've decided to start updating this about once a week, but not on any specific day. This chapter is longer than the others, a little over 5,000 words, so it took me a while to type out. I tried my best to check for typos and misspellings and such, but I probably missed quite a few of them. Like before, feel free to let me know of any mistakes you find and I'll fix them. The next chapter will be a short one again, but they should start to get longer after that as things start picking up. Here's chapter 3, I hope you like it. :D
Warnings: A little blood towards the end, but not much other than that.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or theresia: Dear Emile.
Chapter 3: The Smell of Blood
Shortly after my seventh birthday, I began working for the priest. I was given the job of caring for the animals that resided in the stable at the back of the garden. This job kept me far from the other residents of the church, and my brother seemed to approve of this. Maybe he was the one who told the priest to give me the job, and in the process making sure I would have little contact with others. Nevertheless, it was a job that I loved. It was nice to be able to talk to the animals, since I wasn't allowed human contact, and it somewhat remedied the feeling of loneliness that I had started to feel whenever my brother was away in the church basement.
When I started the job, I immediately noticed that the horse in the very back stall of the stable was pregnant, and within days a new baby horse was born. She was a mare with red hair, and she was so cute that I took very special care of her. I named her "Lilly". I would sometimes sneak away from my room to visit her, even when it wasn't time for work, and sometimes even late at night. She was a very smart horse, and I would talk to her for hours on end. It was as if she could understand what I was saying to her. As I grew older, so did Lilly, and she became my best friend and confidant.
I wonder what she's doing now...?
Brother's visits increased in frequency, and he became more and more adamant that I not leave his side during his visits. In fact, even when he wasn't visiting me, he would check up on every little thing I did. My job in the stables, every place I went, every game I played to amuse myself... It was as if he knew everything, like he was always present, watching me. But I knew better than that. Whenever brother was around, I could always smell the blood on him, it was a strong smell... That smell would have given him away in a heartbeat if he truly had been watching me like that. The older I grew, the more I would fear that smell... I felt as if it was seeping into my skin. I didn't want to smell like blood, like my brother, and I was filled with terror at the thought of that smell sticking to me.
Because of this, I began visiting the small stream in the garden everyday, to wash my hands. But the smell wouldn't leave me, no matter how hard I would scrub. I just couldn't stop... I had to get rid of that smell, no matter what it took. Everyday I returned to the garden, and sat for sometimes hours, just scrubbing my hands. Perhaps that was why he started talking to me...
"Isn't this stream so pretty? It's really, really cold, but it feels nice, especially on your feet. Oh! You know, you could probably use it to chill fruits and candy, I bet! You should try it! They're much better cold anyways!"
His name was Feliciano, and he was a war orphan, like myself, who lived in the massive church. Perhaps he took an interest in me because of our similar pasts...? But I'm not so sure about that... Regardless, everyday after that, Feliciano would attempt to make conversation every time he saw me. I did want to talk to him, to get to know him, but... I had to comply with my brother's wishes. I did my best to avoid Feliciano whenever possible, but he still continued to talk to me, even after I finally spoke to him and told him that I didn't want to... He was very persistent.
Around that time, the flowers that had grown wildly out of control in the fields surrounding the church began to appear inside the garden. It started with only a few red flowers here and there, but soon, the entire garden had become one big patch of red. The red flowers seemed to choke out the existence of every other flower in the field. The flowers were very beautiful, but something about them made me think of poison... They reminded me of my brother.
I was desperate for another color of flower, anything besides that deep, poisonous red...
I began attempting to plant my own flowers in the garden, next to the red flowers. Green flowers, yellow flowers, blue flowers... If the red flowers were my brother, then I wanted my presence in that garden as well. Green flowers for Feliciano, blue flowers for the kind priest, the yellow flowers were me... And all of the red flowers were my brother. I prayed that the flowers would grow, but they never did, and the garden remained a sea of blood red flowers.
Ludwig flinched slightly at the unexpected knock on his bedroom door, causing his hand that was holding the pencil to jerk, marking a long streak across the page of the journal he held. That wasn't good... His eraser was almost worn completely down, and it was hard for him to acquire new ones without initiating human contact. He hesitated before answering the door. His brother was the only one who would ever visit him, and he had already gone back to work earlier that day... Besides that, his brother never knocked on his door, he usually just barged right in. It was relatively safe within the church, besides the presence of the mercenaries... It should be okay to answer the door, right? Ludwig thought, chewing his bottom lip a bit. Even if it was one of the mercenaries, they would never harm him for fear of what his brother would do to them when he found out. Taking a deep breath, he put his journal and pencil back in it's place on the table beside his bed, stood and walked across the room to the door. It wasn't a long walk, his room wasn't exactly large. It was actually quite small, but was large enough for someone his size to walk around in comfortably. The walls were the same gray stone as the rest of the church, and floor was covered by a thick rug that muffled his footsteps as made his way to the door. Ludwig grabbed the handle and pulled the door open just a bit, peeking outside though the opening before opening the door any further.
Ludwig stared at his visitor for a few minutes, then blinked. It was Father Toris. Why would he, of all people, visit Ludwig's room? The priest should know how his brother felt about Ludwig talking to others, he had overheard enough of their conversations, as they stood in the chapel. Father Toris always looked at him with those kind eyes of his showing an emotion that Ludwig couldn't quite place... Was it pity? Sadness? But why...? As nice as the priest was, Ludwig had always thought of him as little strange. He was one of the few people that Ludwig didn't get into trouble for talking to, as long as he didn't talk to him too much. This man had helped him learn how to read and write, had occasionally changed his diapers before he was potty trained, taught him to pray, and made sure that he was kept clean and fed... But Ludwig didn't really know very much about him. Now, this strange man who had helped raise him was standing in front of his bedroom door, fidgeting nervously and looking as if he couldn't quite put to words what was on his mind. Ludwig decided that it was okay to let him in. He opened the door all the way and stepped back. "Come in, please." He mumbled, and returned to his seat on the bed.
Toris nodded and stepped into the room. He didn't sit, just stood there a bit awkwardly, looking around the small room. With a small sigh, he turned to Ludwig. "I need to ask you something, if you don't mind... Well, no, that's not right... Rather, I need to inform you of something." He finally said.
"Oh... What is it?" Ludwig asked, his head tilting involuntarily in slight confusion.
"Well, it..." Toris paused as if trying to think of the right words. After a few seconds, he looked at Ludwig and continued. "You're getting older now... Everyone here does their part to make sure that we stay fed, clothed... I think... I think it's time that you do your part."
"My part...? You mean work?"
Father Toris nodded. "Yes, I think you're old enough now to begin helping out a bit... Oh! But it's not anything too difficult, don't worry!" He quickly assured the young boy, then smiled. "I'm sure that you can handle it. You may even enjoy it."
Ludwig stared at the priest for a moment. "But... I don't know..."
"This isn't a decision that you must make, Ludwig, it's something that you have to do. It would be very unfair to everyone else here if you were exempt from work simply because..." He caught himself before he mentioned the boy's adoptive father. The man was terrifying, that was for sure... But despite his negative feelings towards the cold man, he didn't want to upset Ludwig by voicing his opinion of the torturer. "It's just something that you must do, Ludwig, and I promise that it's not too much work for you."
"But what about brother? He said that I..."
"I've already talked to him about it, and he said it's alright." The priest shuddered a bit at the memory of speaking to the white-haired man. "You'll be working in the stable, taking care of the horses. There are only three of them, so it won't be too strenuous. You only need to make sure they're fed, brush them, and keep the stalls clean. I can show you how to care for them tomorrow, if you'd like."
"Horses..." Ludwig mumbled to himself. Would he enjoy that job...? "Okay. Tomorrow is fine. Your help would be greatly appreciated, thank you."
"Yes, well..." Toris glanced over his shoulder, towards the door, trying to shake the uncomfortable feeling of being watched. "Alright then, I'll stop by tomorrow and show you what to do. It will be early, so please get plenty of rest. Farewell and goodnight." And with that, he turned on his heel and quickly left. Such a strange man...
The stable door creaked as Ludwig pushed it open and stepped inside. The sun had not yet risen, and there wasn't much light to see by, but the lantern that Ludwig carried with him remedied that well enough. Closing the door, he placed the lantern on the hook that hang from the ceiling and looked around. He had been taking care of the horses for just a little over one week, and he could already tell that it was a job he loved. All three horses were very gentle, so he didn't have to worry about being bitten, or kicked while he was working. Ludwig walked over to the first stable and opened it, quickly grabbing onto the horse's mane gently and leading it to the door. There was a small, fenced-in enclosure attached to the little building, mostly used as a place for the horses to stay while their stables were cleaned. Ludwig always cleaned the stables out before doing anything else, otherwise the the horses would get dirty again after they were brushed, and dirty hay would get into their water. After getting the first two horses outside, Ludwig had to rest for a few minutes. The horse in the second stall was just as gentle as the rest, but it had quite the mischievous streak, and it took a lot of work to get the horse outside when it was intent on nipping playfully at his light hair every few seconds. Ludwig sighed and turned towards the third stall. He had to be careful with this horse, the priest had told him. He walked over to the stall and pushed the door open...
At first, Ludwig thought that he was seeing things. A little blotch of brown and red was standing beside the horse, wobbling the slightest bit on unsteady legs. It took Ludwig a few seconds to figure out what it was, but when he realized that the brown and red blotch was, in fact, the new baby horse, his eyes lit up. She was very tiny, more so than Ludwig had expected. So cute... Ludwig thought. She watched him with wary eyes as she stepped closer to her mother. Ludwig couldn't contain a smile as he walked over to her and carefully ran a hand across the red mane and brown fur. As soon as the hand came into contact with her, she made a strange noise and flinched back, losing her balance and toppling over into the hay. Ludwig smiled at the new horse. "It looks like you haven't quite got the hang of walking just yet." He said, softly, so he wouldn't frighten her more.
Ludwig finished his work as quickly as possible. After leading the last horse outside, he set to work ridding the stables of the old, dirty hay, and replacing it with new hay. He then led the horses back into their stalls, saving the new baby horse and her mother for last so the filly would have some extra time to run around and get used to walking. After they were all inside, he brushed them, and then made sure they had water and food. His work complete for the time being, he returned to the last stall to sit with the new foal and it's mother. He just couldn't get over how cute she was. For a while, he entertained the idea of talking to her, but he was sure the horse wouldn't understand, so he decided against it. She seemed to be getting used to his presence, she didn't start as often whenever he'd make a sudden movement. Every few minutes Ludwig would scoot a little bit closer, and he was soon sitting right beside the foal. She needed a name... He couldn't just keep calling her "the new horse", could he? As far as he knew, the other horses didn't have names. If they did have names, nobody told them to Ludwig. Because of this, Ludwig had never given any of the horses names, since they might already have names. But this horse had no name at all, obviously... After a few moments of thinking, he turned to the foal and spoke softly. "What about 'Lilly'? Would you like that name?"
"It's a nice name." A familiar, scratchy, monotone voice said from behind him, near the door of the stall.
Ludwig started and turned his head towards the stall door, eyes widening in shock before he relaxed a bit at the sight of the familiar figure. "Th-thank you... Brother." He mumbled, placing a hand to his chest and trying to slow his suddenly rapid heartbeat. "You scared me, I didn't hear you come in."
Gilbert didn't respond. He walked over to where Ludwig sat and stared down at Lilly and her mother. His head tilted to the side and his eyes glazed over slightly, as if he were seeing something else besides the small foal curled up next to it's mother. He began to reach towards the two animals, then drew his hand back, shaking his head a little.
"She... She was born today. She's so cute... Do you like her, brother?" Ludwig inquired, staring up at the pale man.
Gilbert tore his eyes from the horses and looked at the boy sitting next to them. "You've been here too long. I went to your room and you weren't there. Why? Are you not done with work?"
Ludwig shivered under that intense gaze. "N-no... I mean yes! I-I am done with work, I..." He paused to teak a deep breath. He needed to calm down... He wasn't in trouble for staying so long, right? Or was he...? "I just wanted to sit with the foal for a little while, that's all. I-I like her a lot, brother, I just wanted to..." He trailed off, waiting for whatever response his brother would give.
Gilbert just stared at him, his eyebrows scrunching together slightly as his head fell more to the side in confusion. "Why...?" He shook his head before Ludwig could answer. "Never mind. Stand up."
"But I-..."
"Stand up." Gilbert repeated, no more or less stern than last time. Without waiting for a response, he grabbed Ludwig by the arm and hauled him to his feet. "Come." He mumbled, then turned on his heel and walked off.
As soon as he heard the door shut, Ludwig breathed a sigh of relief. His brother didn't seem to be angry, just indifferent as always. He had still better follow him before the intimidating man became upset though... He leaned down and gave Lilly one more pat on the head. "I'll be back tomorrow, alright? You be good for your mother." He said with a smile, then turned and headed towards his room.
The smell of blood... Ludwig was sure that the smell would to drive him crazy. It was always there these days, even when his brother wasn't around. He was unsure whether he was imagining it, or whether the smell was simply following him, but he wanted rid of it. If he scrubbed enough, it had to get rid of the smell... If he washed his hands just one more time, maybe it would be enough to get rid of that smell... The scent no longer lulled him to sleep as it did when he was a baby. More often than not, the smell would keep him awake at night, making his stomach knot with anxiety with it's persistent presence. When he did manage to fall asleep, he would jerk awake, covered in a cold sweat and tangled in his thin blankets. He was constantly haunted by the smell, although he couldn't figure out why it bothered him so much, and he wanted it to just go away. So Ludwig began coming to the garden everyday to wash his hands in the small stream that ran through it. He sat by the cold stream for hours sometimes, washing his hands, drying them, and then washing them again. He would scrub until his skin was red and sore, and then scrub some more. Why won't it just go away...?
"Isn't this stream so pretty? It's really, really cold, but it feels nice, especially on your feet. Oh! You know, you could probably use it to chill fruits and candy, I bet! You should try it! They're much better cold anyways!"
Ludwig froze, pausing in the middle of washing his hands for the third time that day. He wasn't alone... How long had the other been there? His mind was screaming at him to ignore the voice and go about his business, to listen to his brother and just avoid this person. It would be fine as long as he ignored them, they'd go away, just don't turn around... He couldn't help himself. After spending his entire life with only his brother for company, even a little human contact would be welcome. Besides, his brother said that he couldn't talk to people, right? He wasn't going to talk, he just needed to look... Ludwig turned in the direction of that voice and stared dumbly at the boy. The boy looked to be about Ludwig's age, maybe a bit older, and his unruly brown hair fell around light, smiling brown eyes. He leaned against the tree he stood next to and smiled brightly, waving a hand at Ludwig. "My name's Feliciano. What's yours? Do you want to be my friend?"
Ludwig didn't reply, only stared. He couldn't talk to this boy, no matter how nice he was being... He wanted to, but he couldn't just disobey his big brother like that... Could he? Maybe it wouldn't hurt, just a little talking, a few words... Brother didn't have to know. He wouldn't be angry if he didn't know... No. No, he had to listen to his brother. As much as it pained him, he could never talk to anyone besides his brother. His brother was all he had, and he wouldn't break his trust if he could help it... Taking a deep breath, Ludwig stood, his eyes never leaving Feliciano. Just once couldn't hurt... A little voice in his mind kept repeating. He had to get away from this boy before he did something stupid. Tearing his gaze away from Feliciano's, he stared at the ground and walked past him as calmly and quickly as possible. Oh, but it was just so tempting...
"Ludwig..." He mumbled as passed the boy, then ran back to his room as fast as his legs would carry him and locked the door.
After that day in the garden, Feliciano would talk to Ludwig every time he saw him. Ludwig did his best to avoid the bouncy boy, but he was rarely successful in doing so. When caught, Ludwig would run. If Feliciano caught up to him, which he often did, then Ludwig wouldn't respond to the boy. Still, Feliciano was very persistent... No matter how many times he failed to get Ludwig to talk, he never gave up on talking to him, and he always tried again the next time he would see Ludwig. Eventually, Ludwig began staying in his room almost constantly to avoid the bubbly brunette, only leaving to work, use the bathroom, eat, and other such things. He always made sure that his bedroom door was locked, in case Feliciano found out the location of the room. It was boring, and lonely, yes... But it was much preferred to disobeying his brother. If he were to have too much contact with Feliciano, Ludwig would eventually break down and talk to him, and that just wasn't an option, no matter how badly he wanted to speak to the other boy. He would just have to avoid him, however lonely that made him feel...
He spent the time cooped up in his room with reading the few books he possessed, or writing in his journal. There wasn't much else to do. He had already made his bed exactly 15 times, reorganized his possessions on the bookshelf twice, and cleaned up every speck of dust he could find with a small piece of cloth he had torn from some of his old clothes that no longer fit him. So there he sat, on the bed, writing, when his stomach loudly proclaimed the hunger he had been ignoring for the past hour or so. He shouldn't ignore it for much longer, or he would get dizzy... Ludwig sighed in annoyance. He sat his pencil down in the journal to mark his place, should the thin book close, and stood up, stretching as he rose. How long had he been writing? He shuffled over to the door, opened it, and glanced quickly around the hall to check for the presence of a certain brown-haired boy. Once he was satisfied that he was alone, he stepped into the hall and headed for the kitchen to look for food. He couldn't reach the higher shelves without the aid of a stool, but he didn't feel like pulling one close enough for himself to stand on, so he simply walked to the pantry instead. Without thinking, he pulled the door open without even checking to see if anyone was inside... Someone was.
Sitting on a barrel in the far corner of the room, eating an apple, completely oblivious to his surroundings, was Feliciano. Ludwig let out a small gasp of surprise before covering his mouth with his hand. Too late... Feliciano's head jerked in his direction, and a smile lit his face. "Hello, Ludwig!" He said brightly, hopping off of the barrel and shoving the half-eaten apple into his pocket.
Before Feliciano could take even two steps, Ludwig turned and bolted towards the door, forgetting his empty stomach for the moment. It growled angrily at him as he ran back to his room. But no matter how fast he ran, he could hear the footsteps of someone following him. "Hey! Ludwig, wait!"
Ludwig didn't know why, but he stopped. Why did he stop? Why did he listen to this boy that he barely even knew, that he shouldn't even be in the same room with...? This boy wanted him to get in trouble... Why else would he continue to talk to Ludwig, even after Ludwig made it clear that he didn't want to talk? Ludwig felt anger flood through him, and his little hands curled into tight fists. Feliciano probably wanted to upset Ludwig's brother, too... Ludwig would not let that happen, not on his watch. He turned to Feliciano, eyes narrowing even as he felt his nails dig into his palms. "Stop... Stop following me already!" He hissed at the smaller boy. "I d-don't want to talk to you! Don't you understand that! Leave me alone!"
Feliciano's eyes widened, and he flinched as if he'd been struck. He stood there for a moment, just staring at Ludwig with a hurt look in his eyes... And then his usual smile was back, but it seemed to Ludwig that the smile didn't look as happy as before. Slowly, carefully, Feliciano reached into his pocket and walked over to Ludwig. Ludwig watched him with wary eyes, ready to run if he needed to... But Feliciano simply pulled something out of his pocket and held it out to Ludwig. It was an apple, just like the one Feliciano had been eating earlier, but this one was whole. Feliciano continued to smile sadly at Ludwig as he placed the apple in Ludwig's palm. "If you're hungry... Y-you can have this... I... It's very good, a-and cold, and... I was saving it for you. I thought that you'd be hungry, since you're always in your room..." Feliciano's voice dropped to almost a whisper. Ludwig thought he saw tears in the boy's eyes, but he couldn't tell, as Feliciano was now looking at the floor. "I didn't know that you were staying in your room because of me..."
And with that, he simply turned and walked away, leaving Ludwig standing in the middle of the hall, still holding the apple. He hadn't meant to snap at him like that, he really didn't... He was just so angry. Why didn't Feliciano understand that Ludwig couldn't talk to him...? If only there was some way that he could... Ludwig shuffled back to his room, a wave of guilt washing over him as he closed the door once again and heard the lock click into place.
The color was overbearing, it was everywhere. What had started out as only a few flowers, the seeds of which were perhaps carried by the wind over the tall fence the surrounded the garden, was now a massive blotch of red. The flowers that had once only grown outside of the church walls were now growing in the garden, and they seemed to choke out every other species of flower that had once been present. There were no more blues, no more yellows or purples... Only that intense red color, everywhere. And that was one the reasons that Ludwig stood there, in the midst of all the red, carefully clutching a small shovel and what few seeds he had managed to gather from the dried up flowers that had once bloomed throughout the garden. The red reminded him of that smell, and of his brother... He needed more than just red flowers. The red would drive him crazy, he needed more color, he needed it...
Ludwig walked over to the center of the garden, where the red flowers didn't bloom as wildly as everywhere else. Perhaps the flowers he intended to plant would have more of a chance of growing there... He got down on his knees and began to dig a hole, uprooting whatever red flowers he could in the process. When he deemed the hole deep enough, he placed the seeds into the hole, positioning them carefully, and covered them with dirt. Oh, how he hoped they would grow... Even the strange, green flowers that most people considered weeds. Anything besides red... He stood up and walked over to the stream in which he washed his hands so often, and cupped his hands to dip out some water. He almost spilled the water a few times on the way back to his newly panted flower seeds, but he managed to save just enough. He smiled and hummed as he let the water slip through his fingers and soak the ground where he had planted the seeds.
"Ludwig."
Ludwig didn't even flinch this time... It was just about time that his brother visited him, it was no surprise that he showed up here. Gilbert always found him. Ludwig continued to smile as the last of the water fell onto the dirt.
"Ludwig." Gilbert repeated.
Ludwig could feel those eyes on him, those bloody eyes that never showed any warmth. Wiping his hands on his clothes to dry them, he turned towards his brother. "Yes...?"
It was so fitting... His precious big brother standing among all the red flowers, covered in blood, his hand extended towards Ludwig, and that ever present blank expression on his face... His brother was so beautiful. With him standing there like that, the garden was a lovely mixture of nothing but red and white that even Ludwig, with his disdain for the red flowers, had to admire. "Stand up."
"I... But..."
"Stand up." His brother didn't seem to mind repeating himself. Ludwig took his brother's bloody hand, stood, and allowed himself to be led back to his room without protest... And even though the smell of blood terrified him, he found himself comforted by that blood covered hand that clasped his so tightly.