It's hard to admit defeat and it is hard to admit you are wrong. Pride is a strange thing, and it can make us say and do stupid stuff. Our own pride can hurt so many around us, and because pride works in mysterious ways, we don't realize the hurt we've caused, until it's too late.
Two days after coming to verify his dead parent's bodies, Logan was very different. He wasn't eating, which wasn't necessarily a new problem. He's always been more convinced that there are more important things to do then to eat. Like work. He also wasn't talking. Like…at all. He would nod in agreement with one of us or just walk away if he didn't want to deal with it or talk to us. I could tell he was getting sick of the constant hounding and us always asking how he was doing, but it was for his own good. Depression is common after one loses their parents, or any family member, and me being the paranoid over protective guy I am, I researched the signs of depression and the effects it can cause. None of it was good. Even after two days, I could already see 90% of the signs. Not talking, no sleep, weight loss, not eating, not being active or social, and of course the mood swings. The morning after we got here, after he went to the hospital, he pushed me away. In the literal sense. I was going to give him a hug and hold his hand but he shoved me away and locked himself in the bathroom. I get it. He must be angry, and must hate whatever God is up there for letting this happen, but this isn't how the normal Logan deals with things. This is a new, scary Logan and it worried me to the point of going to James about it. My pride hated the idea of going to his ex, but my heart was hurting for the man I loved and I wanted to help him.
The third morning of being back in Connecticut, I woke up by hearing his voice. There wasn't much but I heard it. "Hey…I need a favor. Can you go to my parents' house and start packing some stuff for me? I…I need to go see the lawyer and he said it was going to take a while to go through all the documents…thanks James…no he's not coming with me. Because I didn't ask him to. I'm fine and I'll be fine. See you later." He practically threw the phone back on the stand and sighed out hard. I slowly turned my head and opened my eyes to see his back to me. He was already dressed, ready to go. He rubbed the back of his neck and slowly stood up, stretching and yawning. He walked over to the desk by the door, picked up his wallet and cell and walked out, without even looking back. When the door slammed shut, hard and loud, I closed my eyes and forced myself to sit up. If he didn't want me to go with him and be there for him, then I was going to go with James and help that way. Normal people would be pissed and probably jealous their fiancé asked their ex to help him during this time, but I was pissed because since he got here all he's done to me is use me as a shoulder to cry on, and a punching bag to get his pain and anger out. I jumped out of bed just at thought and walked to my bag. I pulled out a pair of black jeans, slipped them on, a plain white shirt and then black socks. When I got my shoes on and went pee, brushed my teeth and my hair, I grabbed a sweater, the room key, my wallet and my phone and left the hotel room. Instead of going left to the elevators, I went right to Carlos and James's room.
I knocked three times and leaned against the frame trying to keep my cool. I heard a soft laugh and then footsteps before the locks were clicked out of place and the door was pulled open to reveal my best friend. "We've been expecting you. Come on in and have a cup of coffee you look like you need it." Carlos moved out of the way and I stepped in walking right to the small table in the corner where James was sitting at. He of course was shirtless with a pair of black sweat pants on and nothing else. I sighed out hard before sitting down across form him and looked at him, eyebrows raised. He was looking at his phone, reading something and didn't notice me until Carlos pushed him back slightly sat on his lap and put down three mugs full of black coffee and a small bottle of French Vanilla crème. "How's Logan?" Carlos slid over a mug to me and I looked down at it shrugging my shoulders.
"He's mourning." Without any hesitation, James moved Carlos around on his lap so he could look at me and sighed.
"Is he being an asshole?" Carlos gently slapped his chest as he sipped his coffee and James shook his head. "I believe I know how that idiot works Carlos. I know this is fucking with his head and if I didn't know any better, he's taking it out on you." I slowly poured in some crème and nodded. "Typical Logan Mitchell. I'm sorry Kendall, I wish I knew how to fix him but he's got to do that on his own."
"He's not even asking for my help James. He actually called you before he even told me he was going to see the lawyer today. I feel stuck and I feel worthless to him. It's driving me insane James." He leaned forward, making Carlos's arm wrap around the back of his neck as James started to fix his own coffee. I noticed just then, how incredibly cute they are. They way Carlos watched James's every move, and how James held onto him around his waist. They were so gentle with each other, like one wrong move and the other would break into a million pieces. It almost made me mad because I didn't have someone to be like that, but when I watched James sit back, coffee in one hand Carlos's hip in the other and then them stare at each other, it made me happy. Carlos reached with his other hand to hold his face, and slowly bent down to kiss his lips. They both closed their eyes and the kiss was nothing more than a soft sweet peck of the lips that made my heart ache. When they pulled away, I looked down quick and raised my cup acting like I wasn't just being creepy and watching them.
"So I take it, you came here, dressed and ready, because you want to help me?" I looked back over at him and nodded. James sighed took a sip of coffee and gently patted Carlos. "Okay. Let me get ready and we'll go." Carlos stood up and let James get off the chair. When he walked into the bathroom and shut the door Carlos sat down and pulled a leg up to his chest. He sipped at his coffee quietly and I sat back smiling at him. He slowly put the cup down and raised an eyebrow at me, swallowing.
"What Kendall?" I laughed and shook my head.
"Nothing buddy…I'm just happy for you." He grinned instantly from ear to ear and I chuckled again.
"I'm happy for you too Kendall." I rolled my eyes and kicked my feet out, finding it very difficult to feel any kind of happiness. "I know the situation is shit, and I know you think that this is forever but it will get better, and eventually he will go back to that quirky nerdy guy you fell in love with. The situation is only as bad as you make it seem." I remained still and quiet and he leaned forward slightly still smiling small. "He needs you right now Kendall. If he doesn't say it, he's trying to act tough. And if he says he doesn't need your help, he's lying. What he needs right now is a guy who will go without question and be his Knight in Shining Armor." He made sense but it just wasn't that easy.
James rented a car the night we got here and he drove us through this strange new town, all the way to Logan's parents' house. I felt weird because Logan didn't know I was going to help, and I was worried because Logan was somewhere out there, all by himself dealing with his parents will. I saw how he reacted after seeing them, hell even hearing about it. So to think he would be okay hearing what his parents left him would probably send him over the edge again.
We stopped in front of a medium sized suburban two story house at the end of a very quiet and small neighborhood. I got out almost instantly but stopped realizing James wasn't out of the car. I bent down and stared in at him form my window and all he gave me was a small smile, and got out just as quick. "Sorry…this is a little hard." He locked the car and we walked side by side up to the front door. Everything about this house screamed the Mitchells and it made me wish that at some point in our relationship, Logan and suggested we go see his parents, so I could get to know them better. No one knew the Mitchell's quite like James did and as he kneeled down, grabbing an extra key hidden under the pot in the corner. When he stood back up, and reached out, ready to put the key in the hole, I noticed, how bad he was shaking. I had never seen James so upset like this, while at the same time, trying to act tough. I reached out, and gently squeezed his shoulder. He turned to me quick and I saw a tear fall out of his left eye. "They were more like my parents then my own. I…the last time I was here I asked Logan's dad to forgive me for hurting his son. He never did." He looked down at the ground and lowered the key. "He told me the second I deceived Logan and thought it wasn't going to matter, was the second he sot every ounce of respect for me and no matter what I did, I could never gain it back. That man made me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet and at the time I hated him for it." He let another tear fall and I squeezed his shoulder again. "I don't know why it was easier for his mom to forgive me, but even after Logan and I made up, and we moved on, that man still hated me. And to this day, I never told him I was sorry." He looked back at me and shook his head, shrugged his shoulders. "Now I never will be able to." He again raised his hand and shoved the key in and pushed the door open.
I stepped inside, standing right behind James who was trying to wipe away the tears. The house was quiet and dark, but mostly it was empty. No love, no laughter and no family. It was gut wrenching to see the pictures of the three of them, and then a few of just Logan. I didn't think I could do this. Actually I knew I couldn't do this. "Let's do Logan's old room first. He'll want some stuff." James pulled his jacket off and threw it on the couch as he walked by and headed to the stairs. I sighed out softly took my own jacket and followed behind him.
5 hours later we had almost all of his room packed up and we had started on his parent's room. We remained relatively quiet throughout the process, not really knowing what to say. And when we both saw the copy of Logan's booked signed "with love to my parents" we knew we had done enough for the day. We would come back tomorrow, hopefully with the help of Logan. James only put one box that he had packed himself in the car and we drove off, again in silence. I didn't know how Logan was going to react with everything, but I didn't care anymore. I was going to be his knight in shining armor and if he didn't like it, I would find a way to make him.
However, nothing could prepare me for what happened when we got up to our floor and stepped out of the elevator. We turned down the hall and the first thing I noticed was the person sitting by our hotel room door. I knew it was Logan because he was wearing one of my sweaters. He must of heard us walking because he looked up, turned to us and smiled. But as soon as he saw the box in James hand, and then looked to me, the smile faded and he pushed himself up. I noticed then he had papers in his lap that he was reading through and he gripped them in his hand. "Hey…I brought you a box of stuff I thought you might want right now."
"You went?" He was staring dead at me and I stopped in front of him and nodded. "Why?"
"I thought I would help James."
"Well don't." The hallway went quiet and he glared up at me. "I didn't ask you to, because I didn't want you there." My mouth went dry and he shook his head. "Who the hell do you think you are? You had no right to go there Kendall."
"What's the big deal? I wanted to help Logan and you're not telling me any other way to do that." I heard a door open a few feet away but didn't take my eyes off Logan. "The whole time we have been here I have done nothing but try to be there for you, but once again you're pushing me away. Why Logan?"
"I didn't ask you to do that for me because I wanted you here when I got back. I wanted to be able to come into this room and lay in your arms while you told me it would be okay. And when I got back you weren't here, so I figured you were doing something for me, but not this." He pointed to the box in James hand and I saw Carlos appear behind Logan, looking wide eyed. "This isn't any of your business Kendall." I don't know why but that really struck a nerve with me. My fiancés life wasn't my business. I stepped back and he shook his head. "I don't need anything from you okay? So stop trying." He let the papers fall from his hands and he roughly pushed between James and I. He was almost to the elevators when he stopped and turned. "And do me another favor. Go back to L.A. with you mom and your dad, and your little sister. I don't need you here."