I cannot take this shit anymore. I have had enough and I need to get this fixed and now. Dimitri left a week ago to visit his family. He wanted me to come but I insisted that when he went at Christmas time I would. In reality I was just scared to meet them. I was afraid that they would not approve of me, that they would want something better for Dimitri. I also believed he deserved better. I looked at my hands and sighed. The ring on my left hand was telling me otherwise. He put it there because he wanted me. But why was I feeling this way? Why did I feel so lost and confused? And why was I sitting on my couch with a bottle of vodka ready to take a swig?
It had only been a week and I felt like everything had gone wrong that could go wrong. My boss had laid me off, stating that they just could not have me around because they weren't getting as many patients. Lissa and I had an argument about Rhea, Lissa's mother. Liss was trying to convince me that it did not matter and that she wanted me in her wedding but I wasn't buying it. I would ruin her relationship with her mother if I stayed in the wedding party. And Dimitri had not called in 3 days. He sent an email saying his cell broke and that he was going to buy one today. But that had been enough to send me over the edge.
I brought the bottle to my lips and took a long swig. The harsh liquid instantly calming me. I had missed this. I needed this. As I took many more sips I started to cry. Fuck. I had messed up. I had failed. Dimitri for certain would leave me now. My sadness only made me drink more. I was about half way done the bottle when my phone rang. I froze in fear. My tears turned into sobs. What had I done? I thought I was so much stronger than this. What had I been thinking, things were not that bad. I could get another job, hell I did not even need to work, my father had given me enough money to last me a lifetime. I only worked to be normal, to feel accomplished. And Lissa I knew I should just be her maid of honor. I just had to talk to Rhea to make it better.
The phone stopped ringing and I relaxed slightly. Dimitri never had to find out about this. I was going to make it better, I would not be this weak again. I paused and thought this through again. I had to tell him, he trusted me. We had promised to talk about everything with each other. The phone rang again and I took another swig. To say I was scared was an understatement. But I knew if I did not answer, he would just keep calling. And he would grow worried. So I mustered up some courage and grabbed the phone. I could not answer it though. I was so ashamed. It stopped ringing again, and this time he left a voicemail. Before I could listen to it my phone rang again.
"Hhh..ello." Shit I knew it was slurred he was going to know.
"Roza?" His voice was etched with worry. I started sobbing as soon as I heard his voice. I had failed him.
"I'm.. I'm so sorry Dimitri. I diddddn't mean to." I know the apology was pathetic. I had not even tried that hard. I gave in to temptation because I could not handle a normal human problem. I gave in because I was scared I was doing it alone.
"Oh god Roza baby. Please tell me you didn't?" Dimitri was mad. I could tell and this made me cry even harder. "Rose we talked about this. Shit. This is all my fault isn't? I knew I shouldn't have left. God fuck. Rose." He sounded off, upset, angry. And I was the one to blame.
"Im sorry. I'm sorry." It was all I could say, I really was sorry but it was not going to help. I had messed up. I had given up almost a year being sober for what? For nothing it was not even worth it.
"Rose listen to me. It's going to be ok. I'm sorry I did not mean to swear. I'm booking a flight home now. I'm not leaving you another week." I could hear him typing fast on the computer. "Hold on Rose, ok don't hang up." I heard him shuffle some and I thought I heard him call out to his sister Viktoria. He said rapid Russian, and she answered back just as quickly,
"Ok Roza baby, I'm back. I'm, I'm going to call your father." He was on a mission, I usually loved his assertive tone, but my father was not what I wanted.
"No... No please he will be so disappointed." I cried even harder and reached for the bottle.
"Rose I can tell you just grabbed the bottle again, let it go. I'll call you right back. Please pick up when I do." He hung up and I knew he was calling my father regardless.
Weak, god I fucking felt so weak. What had I done. I faintly heard the phone ringing again. But I felt lost to the world. I was a failure, a nothing a no body. How could I do this? I had been doing so well. I couldn't even remember the last time I thought about a drink. The need for one only came when Dimitri left. I know it wasn't an excuse, but having sex with him made it better. I could take out my frustrations. I could get lost in his body and not have to worry. And now, now I was certain he would never come back to me. Why should he? I was worthless, he was better than this. I grabbed the bottle and almost had it my lips when something stopped me or should I say someone.
"Kiz. It's ok now." My father throw the bottle aside and pulled me into his arms. "Come on lets get you showered and to bed." He helped me up and carried me to the bathroom. "Janine I need your help." Oh god he brought mom with him. This just made it all worse. I started crying again.
"Hold on. I'm calling Dimitri to tell him we got her and she is ok. The poor boy is worried out of his mind." My mother seemed so calm, so in control. Ever since I went to rehab they both had changed so much. We had sunday dinners together, we even started talking. And now they had to see me fall apart again. Only this time they were not leaving my side. I was happy, but sad that I had not only failed Dimitri but them too.
My mother soon came back and started stripping off my clothes, her eyes widened when she saw my wrists. Oh yea did I mention before I drank I cut myself, trying to stop the thoughts of drinking. I had really let myself go this time.
"It's OK baby girl. No one here is judging." My mother smoothed back my hair and pulled me towards her. "I love you Rosemarie. It's OK. Dimitri will be here soon and your father and I are not leaving your side." Her words comforted me and I let her put me in the shower without protests.
The rest of my night was a slight blur. I remember waking up a lot and crying, but one of my parents would be there for me. They would hold me until I fell asleep and again when I woke up they would repeat the process. I found myself dreaming of Dimitri, of him leaving me. Being so upset in me that he would yell and scream and when I tried to talk he would just disappear. I was jolted awake, this time sunshine came through the blinds, and I felt like I had slept forever. I was about to stand up when I noticed two strong arms were holding me in place. I had to hold back the sobs when I noticed it was Dimitri. All I could do was wish that all of that bad never happened. I had been such a failure.
"I love you Roza." He murmured this in my ear and I shivered. With those few words he was telling me everything was going to be ok. That he forgave me, and I had nothing to worry about. That did not mean I was not going to apologize.
"Oh Dimitri. God I'm so sorry. So fucking weak." He pulled me towards him and hid is head between my shoulder and neck
"Shh my love it's ok. It over now and you have learned from it. You had a weakness it happens. It happened to me too. Except I did not hold out as long as you." He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. "I went to rehab 4 years ago and since then I have lasped 3 times. I know what it's like. It's not easy. And you need to understand that you are doing so well my love. You're so strong, so unbelievably wonderful you have no idea." I don't know what my face showed but he chuckled at it. "I'm not leaving, it will take a lot more than that to get rid of me. I'm here for the long run."
And with that the topic was let go. I knew now that I was only human, yes I had failed, but not completely I had a new determination to stay clean to stay sober. And having Dimitri understand made that easier. He knew what I was going through, what I would go through, and that helped so much. I knew he had gone through it all, and it made being able to talk to him about it easier. I could turn to him just like he could turn to me. I brought my lips to his and he reacted immediately. I let myself get lost in his kiss, in his arms, in his scent.
He had only been gone a week but it felt like an eternity. My hands found the hem of his shirt and I quickly pulled it off. I wanted to feel him, no I needed to feel him. I wanted him and everything he had to offer me. As I touched his bare chest he groan, his need for me growing quickly. He pulled off my shirt and started kissing my collarbone. I moaned softly and he froze. He pulled away and I clawed for him, what the hell was he doing? Did he now want me.
"Roza, your parents are down the hall in the guest bedroom." Oh ha so he was trying to be modest. I leaned in closer getting my mouth as close to his ear as possible.
"I promise I'll stay quiet." That was all it took his mouth attached itself once again to my collarbone and his hands wondered down to my pajama bottoms in one motion he took them off along with my underwear.
"God Roza I missed you so much." He took off the sports bra my mother had put on my and cupped my breast. Pinching and tugging just the right way.
It took a lot of effort to not be loud. He made me feel so good, so alive. Being with him was like nothing else existed except him and I. And I knew he felt the same way. We had talked about it, we needed each other like my lungs needed oxygen. I soon became tired of being the only naked one but Dimitri was not going to let me undress him, at least not yet. He worked his mouth down my body and I let out a low moan. God a week after we first had sex Dimitir had showed me the art of pleasing each other orally, and needless to say I had loved it. Having him wanting to do this to me made this all that better. When he reached my core, I shivered. I also could no longer hold back. I knew my parents were now long forgotten and it was now just him and I.
As soon as I reached climax he worked his way up while ridding himself of the rest of his clothes. The moment he entered me I truly knew everything was going to be fine. He would be there for me no matter what. He understood I slipped but he would be there to catch me to guide me back to safety. I let myself get lost in the feel of him inside of me. Of him making me feel like I was floating on a cloud. I knew he was experiencing the same thing when I looked into his eyes. This was heaven this was what we stayed sober for. I had lasped this time, but next time I would be stronger. With one last thrust we both came and he laid limp on top of me. A knock on the door startled me and Dimitri grew stiff.
"Hey Kiz, and Ummm Dimitri. We made you breakfast." I stared at the door in fright. I thought he walked away and finally let out a breath. "I know you're awake I heard you two in there. Now hurry up." My face blushed and I knew I was never going to live this down. I was lucky that although my parents did give Dimitri many threats they liked him very much. They respected him and actually thought he was good for me, just like I was good for him.
We slowly made our way out of bed and got dressed. Right before I opened the door Dimitri pulled me into a kiss, a kiss that told me just how much he loved me. We did not need to say it out loud we merely had to look at each other and it would be understood. My drinking had been forgiven but not forgotten we would have to talk about it later but for now he knew I needed to be assured, to just have a normal day. I smiled and held this kiss a bit longer and then pulled away. When I got downstairs my parents had a feast waiting for us.
"Thought you would be hungry baby girl. And you too Dimitri, you got in last night and did not eat a thing. Rose you really need to feed him more he's looking thin." My mother teased. Dimtri was far from thin, and he ate like a pig, well a very mannered pig. I swear he used a knife and fork to eat his pizza. Something I had yet to understand why.
"Thanks mom. Baba as always you guys are being rather wonderful." I sat down and served myself a heaping plate. I knew I was hungry but it hit me then just how much I was. It made me wonder how long I had been asleep. "What day is it?"
"It's Sunday love." Dimitri answered after he swallowed his bite.
"Shit I slept for almost 2 days." I looked down ashamed. I never thought drinking would make me do that. I use to drink on a daily basis.
"You're body is no longer use to that." Dimitri answered but his voice held no emotion. I knew what he meant though. I had not drank in so long that my body did not know what to do with the alcohol. It was then that I understood why he had been so worried. Many alcoholics died when they lapsed. The body would not be able to metabolize the alcohol like it use to and they would overdose. That could have happened to me. I did drink almost a full bottle. I looked down ashamed.
"Kiz, we all understand. And we are all here for you. Your mother, myself, and this wonderful man who will soon be your husband. Mistakes happen. You just learn from them, grow from them," I looked up at my father and knew he was right. I would not dwell on this, I would do just that grow and learn Next time before I gave in I would put up a better fight. Before I could answer my mother stopped me.
"So seeing as you two have already had a reunion this morning." She looked up getting the reaction she wanted both Dimitri and I blushing and avoiding her eyes. "Ha, as I was say. I thought we could go shopping Rose. Rhea and Lissa wanted to join us. They have something to tell you."
I tensed at this. Things with Rhea had not ended well five months ago. I had not heard from or seen her since the engagement party. Lissa was constantly calling, as was Christian but I had been avoiding them the last month. Their wedding was in two months and they desperately wanted me to there with Dimitri. But all I could remember was the words Rhea had said to me, how much they had hurt me. Lissa had apologized so much, but it did not make me feel better. I knew Liss had seen my change I just wanted Rhea to. And now since I had lapsed I needed it even more. I was going to need all the support I could get.
"Ok. What time?" It was hard for me to agree, I wanted nothing more than to go and hide but I could not do that forever. You only got one life and fuck I was going to live mine to the fullest. Plus I really did need to clear up things with Rhea and Lissa. My father asked Dimitri to watch a football game on the TV with him, so I would not feel like I was leaving him alone. He had after all left his trip early for me. But the look in his eyes had told me to go on this little shopping trip. I could not help but wonder if he knew something I did not.
An hour later my mother was driving me downtown to her favorite street. It was filled with high end boutiques, and I had to admit I liked them. A lot of the places sold vintage clothing, and I had fallen in love with them, when Dimitri told me I needed a hobby. I would find old dresses and fix them up. Making my own sense of style that was unique and all me. I had my mind set on one place specifically, the lady had told me two weeks ago that she would be getting new clothing in and I had been dying to come look at them. My mother pulled the car into the parking garage and we got out. As we walked closer to where we were meeting them my palms started sweating. My mother say my nervousness and caught one of my hands in hers and squeezed it tightly.
As we rounded the corner it was not hard to spot the two. They both had long shiny blond hair, piercing green jade eyes and both were dressed in the lastest and greatest fashions. They looked like runway models. I suddenly felt dull in my little vintage dress. I had worn my hair down, and had to put on some make up to hide my dark circles under my eyes. It had been a tough last week and a half or so. I just hoped it did not show too much. Lissa spotted me first and a huge genuieing smile graced her lips. She shot out from beside her mother and soon had me engulfed in a tight hug.
"Geez Rose I've missed you so much. I'm so glad you came out." She pulled back and studied me frowning slightly at what she found. No doubt she saw the dark circles and the haunting look in my eyes. But she did not comment on it.
Soon the four of us found ourselves in a Chanel boutique and everyone was in a shopping frenzy but me. I looked around slowly. I could not help but remember how I use to be. I would run into these stores and buy everything and anything I liked not caring about the price. Daddy would pay for it no matter what. No none of it seemed to appeal to me. Materials, thats all this was. A year later I knew that things like these did not matter. Feelings, emotions and living life did. But even though I thought this, fashion and clothes still intrigued me. But in a different way. I looked for the most unique pieces, the things no one else would really go for. I liked being different, I no longer wanted to fit in. I was startled when a shirt was placed in front of my face.
"Rosemarie this would look amazing on you." I was surprised by who it was Rhea stood in front of me smiling. "I think red is really your color. Especially since your tan is so glowing." She grabbed my hand and tugged me along to the dressing room that I noticed Lissa was going in and out of. She handed me the shirt and I walked in.
I put on the shirt, and she had been right. It did look great on me. In the last year I had gained weight. And it looked good on me. I looked curvy and healthy. And this shirt clung to my breast and torso. It was a shiny material and it brought attention to my tan complexsion. I walked out and the three woman with me stared in awe. I really did like what I saw, it made me happy to see them looking at me, in a new light.
"Please Michelle, we are getting Miss Rose that shirt. It was made for her." Rhea stated quickly and the young girl just nodded and went back to her counter. Rhea walked over to me and had a sad smile on her face.
"Rose I want to apologize about the last time we met. It was uncalled for, I should have seen the changes, they were clear then and they are clear now." She hugged me and pulled away. "Please forgive me, that was not me. I am ashamed to say I did and said those things to you. You needed support, and I did not give that to you." I looked down scared now. She would be so upset about my lapse.
"Don't be so quick to not judge. I lapsed a few days ago." Tears welled in my eyes, but Rhea lifted my chin so I could look at her.
"It happens dear. Just know I am here for you as well. You are trying and working so hard and that is all that counts. I am proud of you. And I really really would love to see you at Valissa's wedding. You mean the world to her, and to me." Rhea was not lying her eyes held honesty. She also was not one to lie.
"Thank you. And I would be honored." I hugged her back and noticed Lissa standing there tears falling down her cheeks. She had been wanting this so badly. She knew Rhea cared for me, she just was angry and with reason. I had been a mess up, an addict. She just needed time to see I had truly changed.
"Come on after this we are going to the dress shop. We need to get you a bridesmaid dress. And a great one at that the maid of honors dress has to be different. And I have the perfect one picked for you."
We soon found ourselves in a fancy dress shop, if I looked correctly Vera Wang. Where Lissa had no doubt gotten her dress. Actually I was more than certain that Miss Wang had custom made a dress just for her. I knew this wedding was going to be over the top. I smiled at how different Lissa and I were. The few plans Dimitri and I had made were so simple. We cared not about dresses and flowers, we just wanted to be married. It was all that mattered. I knew Lissa wanted that too, but she was a girly person. She had dreamed up her wedding since she was five. It was not meant to be rubbed in peoples faces, no it was just meant to make her happy, make her feel like a princess. Looking at her as she looked around the shop thats exactly what I say. A gorgeous princess.
I was worried though because I had to tell her what had happened. She needed to know I drank, and had to restart counting my sober days. She like Dimitri had been so proud of me, so supportive and failing her and him was the hardest thing I could do. Dimitri forgave me, but would she be able to? I mean Rhea understood, but would Lissa be mad that I did not go to her for help? I could have called her and she would have been at my doorstep in no time at all. Hell I could have called Christian and he would have as well. I cursed at myself for being so weak. Just cause Dimitri was not there I was not alone. I had them and my parents. My parents that had to walk in on my falling apart. I knew they feared losing me, and I had broken their hearts again.
"You shouldn't frown. It leaves wrinkles." Lissa was standing next to me a worried look on her face. "You can talk to me you know."
"I know Liss. I just... I..." I sighed. I had to tell her. "I drank again." Her eyebrows shot up and anger crossed her feature all too quickly it was replaced with fear, sadness, and understanding.
"Oh Rose. Hunny why didn't you call me?" She hugged me and patted my back. "I know the feeling I won't lie all this damn wedding planning has be so stressed. All I want is a damn drink. I know its hard. Christian took a bottle from me the other day." I pulled back shocked. I really should have turned to her. She understood. Here I had one other person who went through the same thing and I did not go to them. "Just promise me next time when Dimitri is not around that you will come to me. We can hang out, do anything you want. Even sit in silence."
"I promise Liss. I'm sorry I'll be strong next time." She hugged me again. And soon had me trying on the dress. The dress like anything else the Dragomirs picked was amazing. I was not a huge fan of pale pink, but the dress looked awesome on me. A one shoulder flowing dress that stopped at my knees, paired with silver, diamond studded heels. I felt like a princess in it, and could not stop saying how much I loved it.
Before I knew it lunch came around and we ate at my favorite place. A small seafood diner, a hole in the wall dive that Rhea was amazed with. She would have never thought to go in there. And thanked me for showing it to her. We spent the rest of the time shopping even more. Soon I found myself wanting a few things and my mother as always handed me over the credit card. I argued with her saying I would use my own money and she simply told me if I did that there would be no reason for her to work. She wanted to spoil me. And at that moment I wanted to be too. Soon six o'clock rolled around and my mother was driving me back.
"Can we stop for chinese. I want to bring Dimitri something back. I hope he will like these shirts." I had bought him some button ups. I loved the way he looked in them. My mother also insisted since he was getting new shirts he should get new pants too. I knew he would say it was unnecessary but I liked getting him things. In reality it was for me, I got to look at him in them.
As we pulled up to my flat my mother told me she was heading home. My father walked out a huge smile on his face. Hugged me good bye and they left rather quickly. I was a little put off, thinking they were up to something but let it go. I struggled to get the door open, but soon enough Dimitri opened it from the inside and grabbed most of my bags.
"Yea I know, mom went a little overboard." And she had, I swear she bought me everything I touched. Even when I said I did not want it.
Dimitri ushered me inside and rushed me into the room. I would have thought he wanted to go at it again, but his excitement was different, and he looked a but nervous as well. I let it pass and started to unpack but he stopped me. He simply shook his head and pulled me outside the room. He was definitely up to something. And I might have had something to do with that fact that my mother did not want to stop to let me pick up food. It was then that I noticed the smells in the flat. It was all the smells that would fill it when Dimitri would cook food from Russia. But it smelled like there was a lot more food than usual.
"I've got a surprise for you. And please don't be mad. It's all going to be fine. OK?" This worried me a bit. What was he doing. I mean we were already engaged. What else could he surprise me with? He further scared me when he covered up my eyes with his large hands. As soon as his hands uncovered my eyes I was faced with a room filled with familiar brown eyes. All female except for a little boy. Oh god Dimitri had brought his family back.