The Bank Called, Your Reality Check Bounced

A Fullmetal Alchemist/Ouran High School Host Club fan fiction

By Lady Norbert

A/N: If this ever made any sense, it has long since stopped doing so. I do apologize for how long it's taken to get this next part up. I could explain what's been going on, but it will probably just read as 'blah blah excuse excuse blah.' So I'll just say sorry and move on with the telling. :)

This chapter is dedicated to Tumblr's 17xinfinity, my dear Darby, who has been waiting so patiently for it.

Chapter Four: Ed Surrenders to the Inevitable

Ed was, to be sure, less than pleased to be called about allowing the members of the Host Club to return to Resembool. He was plenty startled to hear that Mustang sympathized with his feelings, however.

"Look, I agree with you," Mustang said over the line. "The blond kid's an arrogant little twit. The others aren't so bad. But there's nothing I can do for them here, Fullmetal. None of this mess makes any kind of sense, and if you ask me, you have a better shot at figuring out how to get them home than anybody else would." The older man's voice made it clear that it was costing him quite a bit to admit this.

"Where are they now?"

"Hughes is babysitting for me. If you agree to take them back, he'll bring them down first thing Monday morning."

Ed sighed as Mustang pressed him farther. "I'll waive your recertification if you do this."

"Generous offer, considering that I'm not an alchemist anymore."

"All right, then I'll reinstate your research grant," Mustang wheedled. "You can't do alchemy but you can still research it. Same amount you were paid to be military, but you remain civilian. No annual assessments, just a report on your studies every six months."

Ed's lips twitched. It was hard to resist that; the money would certainly come in handy, and it wasn't as if he'd lost an interest in studying the theory even if he couldn't perform practical application. "You're not coming along?"

"I have too much work to do. So do we have a deal?"

"Yeah, all right, we have a deal. Sheesh."

"Don't let him get you down, Fullmetal." Mustang's tone shifted into something that Ed suspected might have been intended as kindness. "The kid's a pain, no argument, but I think he means well." Wryly, the General added, "At least, that's what Hawkeye says."

"Right. And who are we to argue with Hawkeye?" Ed couldn't help chuckling as he hung up the phone.

Against his better judgment, therefore, Ed was at the train station with Al when the express from Central City pulled to a halt. He could see the little group of strangers sitting in one of the rear cars with Colonel Hughes, and he waited with forced patience as they all stepped off the train and made their way over to him.

"Ah, the country air is so invigorating," Tamaki sighed, inhaling deeply. Ed choked back a snarl.

"I don't think invigorating is the word I'd have selected," Kyoya remarked lightly. "All I can smell is the sheep."

"Oh, come now, Mommy, don't be such a stick in the mud!"

"...Mommy?" Al repeated.

"It's just a thing they do," said Kaoru with a shrug. "Tamaki sees himself as the 'father' of the host club, and since Kyoya does most of the behind the scenes work, that sort of makes him the 'mother.'"

"Generally," Haruhi added, with the faintly tolerant and yet long-suffering air of resignation that could only belong to the sanest member of a group, "you're better off not asking too many questions. I have learned this the hard way."

Tamaki merely laughed, and squeezed her. "You're so cute. Daddy just loves his little girl!"

Ed exchanged looks with Al. "Uh...yeah. Hey, Colonel Hughes, how's it going? How are Elysia and Mrs. Hughes?"

"Beautiful and brilliant, as usual," Hughes replied in his characteristic besotted tone. "I brought pictures from Elysia's preschool picnic!"

"Hey, that's great. Winry will want to see those for sure." Ed forced a smile, which for Hughes (whom he liked) wasn't too hard.

"Meanwhile!" Tamaki smiled brightly, releasing Haruhi. "What's this we hear about a sheep festival?"

"Oh, yeah. It starts in a few days." Al looked faintly puzzled. "Do you want to go? It's kind of fun to us, but you might find it boring."

"On the contrary! We would be absolutely delighted to partake of your little commoner soiree!"

There was that word again. Ed gritted his teeth. Haruhi, evidently sensing the offense, immediately tried to smooth things over. "Mori-senpai noticed the sign when we were here before," she explained, "and it did sound like it would be a neat experience. We don't really have many sheep in our part of Japan - I'm not sure any of these guys have ever even seen one."

"It's a pretty nice event," said Al, joining her in the peacemaking as they started to walk back to the Rockbell house. Ed kept quiet, grateful to the pair of them for diverting him from strangling Tamaki. "There are shearing demonstrations, and a petting area for the little kids to play with the lambs, things like that. There's also picnic foods, everyone brings something, and on Friday evening there'll be a dance."

"Hmm," said Hikaru, his tone mischievous (and still so much like Ling's that it gave Ed the creeps). "Are there many pretty girls around here to dance with?"

"I think you'll just have to wait and see," Al replied, chuckling.

Winry was pleased enough to see Haruhi, at least, and welcomed everyone cordially. She gave Hughes a big hug, inquiring happily after her 'little sister' Elysia and exclaiming over the pictures he brought. Ed had to chuckle; Winry had probably the biggest heart of anyone he ever met.

"Well," she said after all the greetings had been exchanged, "if we're taking this many people to the sheep festival, then we're going to have to bring some extra food along to make up for it. Haruhi, if you'll give me a hand in the kitchen? Don't worry, I've got plenty of chores for the others to do too."

"Chores?"

"Absolutely. We need wood chopped for the cooking and laundry fires, and someone has to go buy ingredients for the food we're going to make, and Grandma could use some help cleaning up the automail workshop. There's plenty of work for everyone."

"Oh, that's right," said Tamaki, slightly dumbfounded. "You don't have servants."

"No, we don't," Ed seethed. "We take care of these things ourselves."

"So what are we going to make?" Haruhi interrupted.

"Apple pies, and a baked chicken stew. Ed, since you know where to buy the groceries, maybe you'd better take care of that," Winry said, starting to direct traffic. At Haruhi's recommendation she sent Mori to chop the firewood, which he did without complaint, and Honey tagged after him to stack it up neatly. The twins were sent to the workshop to sweep the floor and oil spare parts, and Ed was chuckling to himself as he slipped out of the house, his heart set on a clean getaway.

"Ed!"

Dammit. "Yeah?"

"Take Tamaki with you, please?"

Ed groaned, and Winry followed him outside. "Please?" she said again. "I don't have anything for him to do." Moving closer, so as not to be overheard, she murmured, "He's kind of useless."

At that, he snorted. "Oh, you noticed that, huh?" With a sigh, he shrugged his shoulders. "All right. Tell him to get out here." At least, he reasoned, if Tamaki went to the store with him, he wouldn't be all over Winry with his flirtations and sweet talk. So that was some consolation.

That didn't mean he wanted to chat with the guy, though.

Tamaki, however, wasn't giving him much of a choice. He prattled on about the invigorating country air and the charming scenery and - actually, Ed wasn't sure what else he was saying, since he was doing his best to tune him out and only respond with grunts.

"And the dance on Friday night should be quite the experience. You know, we've held dances in the host club, but Kyoya says yours will probably be very different."

"Hm?"

"Well, our last little ball, for instance. We had a hired orchestra of fifty stringed instruments, and a gourmet buffet spread, and fireworks at the very culmination of the event. What will the sheep festival dance have?"

"Uh..." Ed thought it over. "Well. Some of the music students from the local high school usually play, and...people dance. That's about it. Nothing very complicated."

"Simple and elegant. And how shall we dress?"

"Uh...comfortable. It gets really hot sometimes. Nothing too fancy, though, a lot of the dancing is in a barn..." Wow, why did it all sound so pathetic all of a sudden? He never thought of it that way until now.

"And I assume you dance with the lovely Miss Rockbell?"

Ed shot him a look out of the corner of his eye. "Sometimes. She's usually kind of in demand, though."

"I'm not surprised! Such a lovely and sweet-natured girl must be very popular!"

It was all Ed could do not to growl. Tamaki remained cheerfully oblivious to his irritation, twirling around like some kind of demented ballerina from hell. One hand on his chest, he lifted the other hand dramatically toward the sky. "Ah, the first stirrings of young love, brought to the surface at a dance in the country! How utterly romantic! Two beautiful young people, waltzing under the stars, gazing into each other's eyes...it'll be perfect, I tell you, absolutely perfect!"

Ed stared at him. Vaguely he wondered how Tamaki had managed to turn the air around himself pink and fill it with sparkles, but mostly he was just angry. So that was his plan? To steal Winry's heart at the dance? Bastard.

"Look," he said finally. "I'm not sure what you're going on about, but let's get one thing straight. There will be no waltzing under the stars. No gazing into her eyes. No sweeping Winry off her feet. Got it? Get the idea out of your head right now."

Tamaki stared at him for a minute. "But -"

"I'm serious! Knock it off!"

Tamaki turned completely white, from his hair to his clothes to his eyes, and curled into a ball next to a tree, rocking back and forth slightly. The word DENIED appeared, implausibly, above his head in wavery golden letters.

"...what in the world are you doing?"

"Corner of woe."

"That's not a corner."

"Close enough."

Ed tilted his head back and looked at the sky in frustration. "Am I being punished for something?" he shouted.