Harvard Law School
First Day of Class
A young man with glasses walked up to a group of students sitting on a bench.
"Hello, I'm, uh, Samuel Forest. Class of aught five. Represent. Welcome to the hallowed halls of Harvard Law. I know firsthand how hard you've all worked to be here today, so let's go around and share a bit about yourselves."
"Topher Schultz."
Topher: I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes
I write financial software codes
But that's a challenge I've outgrown
How many yachts can one man own?
Some say that I'm a pompous creep
Somehow, I don't lose that much sleep
Why bother with false modesty?
Harvard's the perfect place for me
All: Pretty impressive, good to know
Sam: Welcome to Harvard
Jacques: What's up?
Jo: Yo!
"Jacques Agrawal Padamadan. But you may call me, Your Majesty."
Jacques: In my country, my word was law
But then, I flee
Because of stupid coup d'etat
But here, I learn
I make new friends
And soon return in bulletproof Mercedes Benz
All: Pretty impressive, good to know
Sam: Welcome to Har- -
"Jo Hoops!"
Jo: I did the Peace Corps overseas, inoculating refugees in family clinics that I built myself from mud and trees
I fought to clean up their lagoons and save their rare, endangered loons
Then led a protest march against insensitive cartoons!
All: ...pretty impressive, good- -
Jo: But now, I'm on the legal track because this country's out of whack and only women have the guts to go and take it back
We'll make the government come clean and get more people voting green and really stick it to the phallocentric war machine!
"I love your top! It is so fatigue chic!"
Dakota smiled as she walked up to the group with Bruiser in her arms.
"So, how psyched are you guys?," she snapped her fingers, "Snaps! First day of Harvard Law!"
Silence.
"I'm Dakota Woods. And this is Bruiser Woods," she gestured to her dog.
"Jo."
"Oh my God! Is that short for Josephine?"
"Oh my God, it is!," Jo said, mocking Dakota's voice.
They both laughed until Jo suddenly stopped and glared at her.
"Never call me that again."
"Uh, we were just going around the circle. Why don't you tell us something about yourself?," Sam asked.
"Me?"
Sam nodded.
"Ok," Dakota smiled and sat down, "Well, I'm a Gemini with a double-Capricorn moon, and I have a Bachelor's degree from UCLA where I was Sig Ep Sweetheart, president of Delta Nu sorority, and founded the charity 'Shop for a Cause.' "
"Huh."
"Oh! And just last week at Fred Segal, I talked Beyonce out of buying a truly heinous cable-knit tube top. Whoever said tangerine is the new pink is seriously disturbed."
"...I did not know that."
"Does anyone know where I can find Criminal Law 101 with Professor McLean? And Justin Huntington III?"
"Uh, actually, we're all heading there, so I'm sure someone would be happy to show you."
But when Sam turned around, he saw that the other students had already left. He sighed and turned back to Dakota.
"It's in Hauser, over there. Second building on the left."
"Thank you."
Dakota got up and began to walk to class.
"You know, I don't think dogs are exactly allowed in class," Sam told her.
"Oh, Bruiser's not a dog, Bruiser's family. I'll just drop him off at my room. He'd be happier there anyway."
She put her hand over Bruiser's ear and whispered to Sam.
"Bruiser loves Days of Our Lives! I'll see you later then!"
She waved goodbye and walked back to her room.
Topher: I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes...
Jacques: In my country, my word...
Jo: I did the Peace Corps overseas, inoculating refugees...
All: Harvard's the perfect place for me
Harvard's the perfect place for...
"Justin!"
Dakota's eyes widened when she saw her ex-boyfriend appear in the middle of the crowd.
Ahhhhh...
"Excuse me."
Ahhhhh...
"Pardon me."
Ahhhhh...
"COMING THROUGH!"
Harvard's the perfect place for me
Pretty impressive, good to know
Welcome to Harvard
"D?"
"Hm? Oh my God, Justin! I totally forgot you go here!"