King's Cross Station, september 1st, 8:47
"We have to do what?"
"You have to run through that wall," Cartman said with a look of utmost sincerity.
"No way dude, you're making that up," Stan said angrily.
"I'm not lying. You have to go to platform nine and three quarters, it says so right here. And to get there, you have to run through that wall," Cartman pointed to a red brick wall.
"Cartman, what Stan is trying to say is: quit being a stupid jackass and...and..." Kyle's words trailed off, when he saw a tall blackhaired boy run up to the wall, and through it. Kyle's mouth fell open and he stared the wall.
"See Kyle, my friend, I'm not lying, I would never lie to you. That would ruin our friendship..." Eric drawled. "Now take your cart, like this, and run through. Go on!"
Still in a state of shock Kyle ran through the brick wall, muttering something about hell freezing over. Hesitantly Stan followed, as did Kenny. When it was Butters' turn, Cartman held him back.
"No, Butters. We're not following them."
"Uh, gosh, why not Eric?"
"You and I are special, Butters. We both come from powerful wizarding families -yes, I do to. It's just that we Cartmans prefer to keep low profile, working behind the screens so to speak. Because we come from powerful families we are travelling with another train, a very luxurious one. It leaves from platform ten and three quarters, right over there," he gestured towards another brick wall.
"But..."
"No Butters, there's no time. The train is leaving any minute now. Is that it's whistle? Why yes, I believe it is. Hurry Butters, hurry before you miss the train!"
Slightly panicked, Butters grabbed his cart and ran towards the brick wall on platform ten.
"Huh, hold up train! I'm uh, coming!"
Bang! With a loud bang he crashed into it and he fell to the floor, scattering his barely dried books across the platform.
"Owie! Ow! It hurts, owie!" Butters cried.
"O my god Butters, you fool! Ha!" Cartman laughed, "I can't believe you fell for that. That was awesome! That's the best joke ever! Hahahahahahaha!" Tears of laughter rolled down Cartman's face as he mocked the crying blond boy. Butters got to his knees and crawled around to collect his books. In the crash Butters' cat carrier had sprung open and Miss Vixen, shaken by the whole ordeal, relieved her stress by clawing at the first thing she saw. Unfortunately, the first thing she saw was Butters.
Hogwarts Lake, september 1st, 16:32
"Forget it Eric, I'm not talking to you. You are a mean boy, a very mean boy!" Butters said as he stepped into a big boat with all the other first-years.
"I swear Butters, it was a misunderstanding. I-"
"Forget it Cartman. What you did was a lousy thing to do," Kyle yelled angrily.
Stan sighed and put his face in his hands. Kyle, Cartman and Butters had been bickering for the entire duration of the trainride, with Kenny occasionaly butting in too when the girls in his animated Playwiz magazine were taking a break. He had hoped that the bickering would stop when they reached the gates of Hogwarts castle, and while the fighting and namecalling had become less frequent, it was still far from over. Behind him, Stan heard two girls with brittish accents discuss the ordeal.
"Really Penelope, why are they letting those crude Americans attend our school?"
"Yes Margaret, I agree. They really are rather uncivilized, aren't they?"
"Terribly much so I'm afraid. But since there is no school of Wizardry and Witchcraft in their own country I'm afraid we must allow them access to our noble school."
"Really? They don't have a wizarding school in the United States of America? Why ever not?"
"It's quite simple really. Magic has its roots in ancient traditions and the rich culture of ages past. Those barbarous Americans don't have longstanding traditions and beliefs; they just borrowed bits and pieces from other cultures and claimed them as their own."
"But Margaret, they do have a rich cultural background. Or are you are forgetting the Native Americans?"
The other girl threw her head back and laughed.
"O my, listen to what you are saying Penelope! Would you like to go to a school where you do nothing but sit in a teepee all day while learning how to weave magical quilts?" Now both girls laughed heartily. Stan thought about interrupting them to tell them to go to hell, but he really was too tired to turn around.
The boat finally reached its destination and a big log of a man with a bushy beard jumped out.
"We're her', childr'n. Hogwarts Castle. Ain't she a beauty?" the big man bellowed cheerfully. Two by two the children got out of the boat, all of them gasping in awe at the imposing castle before them. All of them except for Kenny, who was gasping in awe at the Playwiz of the month.
Great Hall, september 1st, 17:00
The Great Hall was always a marvel to behold, but today it was simply spectacular. The ceiling was enchanted to show a glittering rainbow, the walls were decorated with shimmering drapes, and candles of all colours floated everywhere. In the center of all this stood an aged man, dressed in purple robes, with a long gray beard and a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
"Goddamn hippie," Eric Cartman muttered.
The group of first-years was ushered towards the aged man, who picked up an old, wornout hat.
"Good evening, children. I hope you all had a nice journey. My name is Albus Dumbledore, I am the headmaster of Hogwarts. As some of you may already know, the student population is divided into four groups: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. The house to which you will belong for the remainder of your years here will be decided by my old friend here, Mr. Sorting Hat," the man stated and he held up the old hat for all to see. In the back of the group five jaws dropped in shock.
"Ooooh no."
"He's joking."
"Not again."
"But if this guy's a wizard, then maybe..."
"Don't finish that sentence Stan!"
"...Mr. Garrison..."
"No way dude, no way."
All five children shook their heads and made sounds of disbelief. Meanwhile, the purple-clad man tossed the hat into the air and to the kids' amazement the hat stayed airborne and twirled and turned around the room. From out of nowhere an orchestra began to play and the hat began to sing:
"Welcome, all, to Hogwarts,
I hope you'll have a real good time.
(The hat pointed towards the Gryffindor tables:)
"Reckless heroes everywhere,"
(The hat turned towards the Hufflepuff tables:)
"Humble folks without temptation."
Welcome, all, to Hogwarts,
Where you can leave your woes behind.
(The hat turned towards the Ravenclaw tables:)
"Many students, oh so bright,"
(The hat spinned towards the Slytherin tables:)
"People shouting: "Filthy mudblood!"
Welcome, all, to Hogwarts,
The place to educate your mind.
Filch likes girls with-"
"Mr. Sorting Hat, that is enough!" the man in purple yelled over a roar of laughter. All eyes in the hall were now fixated at the ugly man in the back that went by the name of Argus Filch, whose cheeks had turned a deep shade of red.
"Right. Thank you, Mr. Sorting Hat. And now, let the sorting begin!"
One by one the first-years were called forward to be sorted. Kyle was called after 'Adams, Dougie' and was sorted into Ravenclaw straight away. A couple of students later it was the turn of 'Cartman, Eric'. Cartman barely took a step towards the hat, when the latter screamed "Slytherin!" Many an eyebrow was raised at this quick sorting, and a wave of whispering washed through the hall. "Silence!" an old witch wearing a green pointy hat shrieked. The students soon stopped their whispering, but at the head table Albus Dumbledore continued his whispering into the ear of a sourlooking skinny man. The students ignored the display at the table and watched the hat continue with the sorting. A couple of students later it was Stan's turn and he, like Kyle, was sorted into Ravenclaw. Kenny was quickly sorted into Gryffindor, and Butters into Hufflepuff. The sorting ended with 'Zim, Marvin', and with a flick of the headmaster's wrist the table became filled with delicious food of all kinds: baked potatoes with grilled cheese, roasted pig with orange slices, and even -to Cartman's great joy- a whole Chucky Cheese buffet. The boys ate and ate, and Cartman ate even more, and after dinner they all retreated to their houses for the remainder of the night. Too tired from the day's events, the boys headed straight for the bedrooms. Cartman hung a big poster over his bed and looked up at the person depicted on it admiringly. Before he went to sleep he said his prayers to it, wished it goodnight, and whispered: "Don't worry my Dark Lord, I'll find a way to resurrect you."