Chapter 4: Cut Hearts, Bleeding Knuckles

Matt's POV

I ran to catch up with Mello, who was walking fast-paced up the corridor towards our room. I caught up with him and walked silently beside him, there isn't much you can say to Mello when he's like this. His fists were clenched and I could tell that his whole body was tense. After walking in silence for about five minutes, Mello surprised me by speaking:

"You can go to that shitty party if you want. It's not like I give a fuck about what you do in your spare time." I frowned, his words cutting deep, even though I knew he didn't mean them. He's just angry, that's why he's saying this stuff, I thought, but what he'd said opened up a whole mess of insecurities. It was my deepest, darkest fear that Mello would someday just up and go, without a second thought for me.

"Mells, as if I would go. The only reason I didn't say no outright is because I didn't want to hurt Linda's feelings." By this time we were outside our room. Mello opened the door and walked in slightly. He look back at me with narrowed eyes and said:

"Whatever." He entered the room fully and slammed the door in my face. I took the hint and decided to take a walk around the grounds of Wammy's.

,oOo,

Wammy's is actually this huge mansion in the middle of nowhere near Winchester, England. The nearest town is about and hour by bus ride and the older kids get trips into town once every two weeks. The mansion itself is a Victorian style house with huge grounds surrounded by a forest. There's a large unused barn on the fringe of the grounds behind Wammy's. This was where I was headed. Behind the barn was the place I went to to be alone. No one else came out this far because the barn was allegedly haunted (a rumor made up by me).

I leaned against the wall facing the forest so I was hidden from Wammy's and took out my pack of fags. I lifted one from the pack and lit it. When I took the first drag, all my worries seemed to float away. Distancing themselves from me so it was as if they were happening to someone else. Mello didn't know I smoked and neither did anyone else and I wanted to keep it that way. I knew people would just get on my case and try to get me to quit. I knew smoking was a bad habit and I knew I would most likely die an ugly cancer related death, but honestly, I didn't give a fuck. I'd been smoking since...well probably since I fell in love with Mello and I wasn't planning on giving up anytime soon.

Mello's POV

I leaned against the door and waited until Matt's footsteps died away. Then I turned to the wall beside the door and punched it as hard as I could. My fist made a dull thud against the wall and punched it again and again. Once my knuckles started bleeding I figured maybe I should stop.

I walked to my bed, fell backwards onto it and scowled up at the ceiling. Punching the wall hadn't helped, I was still angry and tense. I wouldn't normally have minded, I get angry a lot, but this time my reason for being angry pissed me off even more. As a rule I don't like girls, they were too giggly and chattery and they all look the same, but Linda really pissed me off. What gave her the right to talk to Matt when I was sitting right beside him. What gave her the right to talk to Matt even when I wasn't beside him! Matt was mine. My property to do with whatever I pleased, and contrary to what I'd said earlier, I did care what he did in his spare time. But I knew what words would hurt him most and I'd used them.

I turned to my bedside table and took one of the chocolate bars that lay in a pile in the drawer. I closed my eyes as I chewed and got to work on attempting to push all my scattered emotions into a locked box at the back of my mind (a trick I learned from L, although I could never seem to get the hang of it like the Pyjama Freak could).

One of said emotions thoroughly confused me, I couldn't seem to work out what it was. It wasn't jealousy, thanks to Near I know exactly what that felt like. And it wasn't any type of anger that I knew about (and trust me, I know a lot about anger). I let the unfamiliar emotion fill me with warm fuzziness, but it left an odd emptiness in the pit of my stomach. As I thought about this new sensation, Matt suddenly popped into my mind, or more specifically Matt's smile.

I could feel the corners of my mouth turning upward involuntarily. Matt had the nicest smile...I wish we hadn't fought...maybe I should say sorry...Wait! What?! I never say sorry! I sat bolt upright on my bed. Why the fuck would I suddenly want to say sorry? Matt always knew if I regretted something or not, didn't he? I squeezed my eyes shut, I didn't want to think about this now, I didn't want to think about it ever.

Matt's POV

After chain smoking half a pack I slowly made my way back to my room. I knew me and Mello wouldn't talk about why we'd argued, we would just act as if nothing had happened and continue with our lives as per usual. I normally wouldn't have minded, since this way was simpler, but this time I longed to ask him why he'd gotten so upset.

I arrived at the door of my room and before entering took a couple of deep breaths to calm myself. I walked in to see Mello lying on his bed, I sat down on mine and took out my PSP. We sat in awkward silence for the time it took me to get to the next level on my game. I decided to take my chances and ask Mello what had been bothering him, I didn't think I would get a straight answer, but any answer would do.

"Hey, Mello...About earlier-" Sensing what I was about to ask he interrupted.

"Come on Matt, it's almost time for lunch. We should head down already." He stood up stiffly and I noticed his bloody knuckles. He'd been punching the wall again. He opened the door and walked out, not bothering to wait for me. I sighed and followed him to the dining area.

.oOo.

We sat eating our food while I tried desperately to think of something to say to break the ice. I saw Linda in the corner of my eye and I hoped for her sake that she didn't come over. No such luck, she stood over me, hands in her pockets and said hello. I glanced over at Mello to see his reaction, but he seemed to be trying his best to ignore her.

"Hey, Matt. I was just wondering if you were ok after this morning?" I kept my head down and didn't look at her.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." I mumbled, trying to get her go away, but she persisted.

"Are you sure? You seemed pretty bad..." I didn't point out that it was actually Mello who had been in a bad shape and instead just nodded quickly.

"Fuck off, Linda. No one wants you here." I winced at Mello's words but didn't contradict them. Hopefully Linda would just leave without incident, but surprisingly she replied with so much venom that any other man would have run scared (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned).

"Shut up, Mello. I wasn't talking to you." I winced again and whispered to Linda out of the corner of my mouth.

"Linda, it's fine, please just go."

"No Matt, it's not fine. He treats you like his slave. He doesn't own you, you know. You have to stand up for yourself every once and awhile!"

"Please, Linda, please just go." I urged, desperate for her to leave before Mello got really angry.

"Hmmf. Fine. I'll go. But just remember that you shouldn't feel obligated to be friends with someone like him, Matt, just because he has no one else." She walked off and I breathed a sigh of relief. I glanced up at Mello and he saw me looking.

"Heh, geez. Some people just can't take a hint. At least she finally fucked off." scoffed Mello. I laughed nervously and agreed. "I'm going up to the room. Follow me when you're done." It was an order, not a request. I smiled softly to myself, at least things were back to normal now.