Is There Somewhere? - Halsey
Acting as if nothing had happened was difficult to say the least. Acting as if I was okay was easy, I had been doing that my entire life. Force a smile and tell everyone I was fine. In this instant, I couldn't pretend my stomach was heavy and my heart felt small. Tears stain my pillow at next before I cry myself to sleep because I could never pretend I wasn't in love. I was no longer the nine-year-old girl and you were no long the boy I had fallen in love with. We were both so much older now, mentally more than physically. High school had changed the both of us.
You were still the optimistic boy but somehow more mature, knew when to pick your battles and when to let it go. And, oh, how did you fight. I became quiet but deadly. No one dared cross my path unless they were foolish. Years of my parents screaming and yelling had worn me thin and I started to believe love wasn't real. I promised myself that I would never become them, I would never be like them. I didn't want to spiral down a rabbit hole and end up in my mother's shoes, or my father's. Neither of them were an opinion for me. I was going to make sure of that.
The stars barely shown over the city lights as I laid in the park. My mind flashes back to the night. The night I had fallen in love all over again. You had held me in your arms as I cried about my parents for the millionth time. I remember it being too much that night and I had stormed out to get away from the yelling. You found me in the park, under my favorite tree, crying my eyes out. You held me and I told you I would never be like them, that I would never allow myself to be doomed to a failed marriage. I told you I didn't know what loved looked like and if that was it, I didn't want anything to do with it. You looked at me with soft eyes as you told me what you thought love was and that I would never be like them.
You kissed the top of my head and asked if I wanted to stay with you for the night. My mind had raced with so many thoughts but I couldn't hear them over my heart pounding. I hadn't answered, only nodded in response. My voice would only shake if I spoke. You lead me to your house, hand in hand, as if I didn't know where you lived. My heart insisted that you just wanted to hold my hand but my brain kept saying you were just being nice. Just being nice to Helga Pataki. Like always.
You had given me your bed while you took the couch. I tried to argue that I didn't have to have the bed but you insisted. You were always too nice for your own good. I thought you were asleep when I began crying again. But you hadn't been. "Helga?" I hear the springs in your couch creak but I don't respond. I felt your warm hand on my shoulder and I turned to face you. Your hand wiped my tears before you leaned down to plant a kiss on my lips. I remember being caught off guard and wanting to kiss again. So I sat up and pressed our lips together once again.
I woke up in your arms but you were still asleep. I had carefully slid myself out of your arms. You deserved so much more than a mess like me so I left without a goodbye or a note. Can we pretend we were in love that night?