Instructions #4:
A fake kidnapping; fish and chips; spying on Lily and James cuteness: a ticklish Remus.
Lost
"I'm dying!"
Hermione raised her eyes heavenward, letting her quill fall to the desk. She was going to throw something at Sirius soon. Something really hard.
"You are not dying, and you won't starve." She rounded on the black haired boy lying dramatically on the plump couch behind where she was diligently working on her homework. "Besides, you had lunch not two hours ago!"
Sirius pouted.
"That's not the point." He argued. "I can feel it moving, begging for food!"
The door opened, admitting James into the Common Room. He glanced at the pair as he passed them by.
"List-" The disowned Black paused suddenly, sniffing the air as his canine senses honed in on something. Spinning around he launched himself at James.
"Fish and chips!" He yelled, as James attempted to remain upright (Sirius was by no means what one would call a small individual, and he'd barrelled quite heavily into the bespectacled teen's torso, latching onto his robes).
"What?!" James yelled back in surprise. Hermione snickered.
"You ate fish and chips!" He accused his best mate, ignoring the bewildered expression on James' face. "Where did you get it, and why – in Merlin's name – did you not bring me any?!"
James looked to Hermione for assistance, but she carefully avoided looking him in the eye, grateful for Sirius' diverted attention. James was dealing with this one on his own.
"I didn't." He defended himself, although it was pointless because Sirius had the strongest human senses ever, second only to Remus and, well, he wasn't entirely human. Sirius clearly agreed, judging by the raised eyebrow. "I walked past a shop?" Hermione let her head fall to the desk, shaking with silent laughter over Sirius' scandalised expression which said, clearly, 'who do you take me for? Peter?'
Sirius cuffed James around the back of the head.
"OW!" James exclaimed, his hand flying to the injury. "What was that for?" He whined.
"I'm starving!" Sirius rubbed his stomach with both hands to emphasise his plight, before he sniffed once again, and thrust his hand into the pocket of James pants.
Before the unsuspecting boy could even yell 'gerroff, you wanker', Sirius had pulled out his hand and retrieved what looked to be a handful of soggy chips. Hermione blanched.
"Ew. That's disgusting!" She told him, revolted. "Why on earth were they in your pocket?"
James shrugged, unperturbed.
"I'm a dude. I get hungry. I didn't have anywhere else to put them." He explained, completely nonplussed. Sirius didn't seem bothered either as he scarfed the lot. Hermione shook her head at them both and packed up her finished work, choosing not to try and understand their strange, boy ways.
She watched as James wandered to his dorm, leaving Sirius to lick his salty fingers clean, before doing the same, sniggering as Sirius' voice drifted to her: "Hey, you didn't tell me where you got the fish and chips!"
**
"Peter." A hushed whisper broke through the darkness, hidden amidst the snores of the other dorm mates. Sirius sat next to Peter's bed, his face close to the smaller boy's.
"AA-mmmmppdphf" Peter tried to scream when he opened his eyes, but Sirius whipped a hand over his mouth, preventing the noise from waking the others. Casting a necessary check over the sleeping pair, Sirius grinned.
"I have a great and almighty plan!" At the chubby younger boy's confused look, he elaborated. "We have a mutiny amongst us – Prongsy has been hiding his stash of fish and chips and we must kidnap him and force him to relinquish it!" Sirius whispered excitedly, determinedly.
Peter looked apprehensive until the mention of food. At that, he nodded eagerly and the two began planning. Or, at least, Sirius planned as Peter nodded encouragingly, thinking happily of fish and chips and all the different manners in which the dish could be served.
**
When Remus woke the next morning, it was to a suspiciously quiet dorm.
The silence positively reeked of mischief, and the non-appearance of James in the neighbouring bed was a dead giveaway that something was up. It was a rare day that James Potter was awake before the bare minimum.
And clearly, if the off-key singing that had just begun in the bathroom was any indicator, Sirius had something to hide. He didn't quite have the grasp of the concept 'low key', or 'How Not To Seem Suspicious'.
Remus waited patiently for Sirius to finish, and sat on the edge of his neatly made bed.
The door was flung open dramatically and Sirius paraded into the dorm area wearing only his obnoxiously red boxers.
"Good morning, Moony. Lovely day…" He faded away at Remus' raised eyebrow, the blue eyes piercing through his attempt to act nonchalant.
"Care to enlighten me as to why James isn't snoring away in his bed?" Remus asked, not bothering to be specific. Sirius' expression was appropriately disbelieving.
"How, in the name of Merlin's soggy right sock, did you figure it out already?"
Remus kept his eyes trained on Sirius. The boisterous teen tended to crumple under the Werewolf's calm gaze, and rarely needed much incentive to spill the beans, as it were, on his latest shenanigans. It was partly self-preservation, but mostly egotism that drove Sirius' motor mouth.
"I kidnapped Prongs." He answered, a little guiltily, like a small child who'd been caught scouting his present haul the day before Christmas.
"Wha-?" Remus spluttered. "What do you mean, you 'kidnapped James'? Where is he?" He glanced sharply at Sirius. "Tell me he's still inside the castle, please."
"I'm not stupid, Moony." Sirius said, looking affronted. "He's somewhere in the castle."
"You don't remember where, do you." Remus sighed, not really bothering to insinuate it as a question – he already knew the answer.
"Erm… not exactly."
Remus groaned, a brought a hand over his eyes, squeezing the bridge of his nose.
"I suppose I should be grateful it's a Saturday."
**
Lily was not an early riser. If she was required to be awake before seven-thirty, she was generally unpleasant company. Today, however, she had arisen at a quarter to eight, and had walked across the Common Room, without any interruption. She had taken the stairs down to the Great Hall, where she had eaten undisturbed, and had then returned to her dormitory, intending to collect her belongings before heading to the library for a study session during her free period.
Something wasn't right, she realised.
It irked her, somewhat, that she couldn't pinpoint what was missing from her day, but she continued on her way to the Library, placing her satchel on a chair before nodding a greeting to Madam Pince and making her way into the Restricted Section.
Manoeuvring through the shelves, Lily discovered the reason for her solitude that morning.
James Potter was situated in one of the dark corners, his hands tied together behind his back with what appeared to be a rope of liquorice, wearing only a pair of blue boxers with a decorative snitch pattern. Lily raised an eyebrow at the sleeping teenager, but smiled at the goofy grin in his face as it his cheek mashed against the second row of books.
He started violently when she nudged him with his foot, and he groaned.
"I take it that this was Sirius' idea and not yours then?" Lily surmised, her eyes twinkling. James coloured lightly.
"Actually, I was kidnapped."
Lily snorted, indelicately, and James scowled.
"Sirius decided he desperately needed to know where I got the fish and chips from, and couldn't wait until morning." He explained wearily, like a long suffering aunt. "I have no idea why he thought it necessary to kidnap me and tie me up in the Restricted Section in the meantime."
"I didn't realise Sirius thought about these things much at all." Lily replied.
"Au contraire, he thinks about them a little too much, if you ask me." James countered. "He just doesn't think of consequences. Do you mind?" He shifted, showing her the liquorice tie that Sirius had spelled around his wrists.
"Oh, of course. No problem." Lily drew her wand and soon James was pulling himself to his feet, hyper aware of his lack of clothes and Lily's pretty blush. He cleared his throat.
"So, how do I escape the Library in my boxers, without being caught by Pincers?" He asked, he grinned when Lily slapped his arm for being rude about the Librarian.
"I have no idea. I've half a mind to leave you here." Lily said, but he knew she didn't mean it because her eyes were alight with laughter. He rounded on her, smiling.
"You like me in just my boxer, don't you Lilyflower?" He exclaimed, quieting as she shushed him, trying not to laugh. He saw her cheeks pink, and paused.
"You do like me in my boxers!" He said jubilantly, the goofy grin returning to his handsome features.
"Oh, hush." Lily told him, but didn't deny his claim.
**
Hermione regarded Sirius and Remus suspiciously. James was nowhere to be seen, and Sirius looked too pleased with himself.
She waited for Sirius' attention to wander, and then followed Remus as he climbed the stairs to his dorm. She closed the door and pounced on him when he turned around, causing him to fall back against the nearest bed.
"Where's James, Moony?" She asked, rolling off him but stopping when he spasmed as her hand brushed his side.
He didn't answer. Marauder Confidentiality Agreement, rule number thirteen: A Marauder never reveals the contents of another's prank, unless a prankee is in immediate danger.
At least James was – relatively – safe.
Hermione poked Remus in the side experimentally. He pulled away.
"Don't pok- AAHHA." He tried to catch her hands, but struggled as his face squished down into the duvet.
"Oh, Remus is ticklish!" Hermione sang gleefully, and launched herself at the Werewolf.
"What did Padfoot do?" Hermione interjected between Remus' bouts of laughter and calls for her to stop.
"I know you know, Remus - you always know what Sirius is up to."
Remus pushed himself away, laughing and fell heavily onto the floor between the beds.
"Ow."
Hermione snickered, and fell upon her stomach on the bed, peering at the brown haired boy lying awkwardly on the ground.
"Tell me, Remi, please." Her eyes were wide and pleading, but twinkling with barely restrained laughter as he grimaced at the nickname. "I'll tickle you again." She threatened, reaching out to him.
"NO! I'll tell you!" Remus yelled, scrambling away from her small hands. "Sirius kidnapped him and put him in the Restricted Section." Remus paused, as if he was recalling something.
"Erm. Sirius doesn't always think these things through, so I'm inclined to think James is unfortunately clothed." Hermione raised an eyebrow. "He's likely only wearing boxers."
Hermione erupted into laughter, and then murmured, "Accio Marauder's Map."
At Remus' shocked face, she said "To be sure that he's still th- Oh my." Grinning devilishly, Hermione thrust the map under his nose. Two dots, one labelled James Potter and the other Lily Evans, were practically on top of each other.
"I wonder if he's only wearing boxers still."
**
Lily raised her head suddenly, knocking her head against James', as an idea popped into her head.
"Oww." Holding a hand to her forehead, she wrinkled her nose. "Idea, Boxer-Boy: you can wear my school robe."
James looked doubtful.
"D'you think it'll fit?"
"Meh, it'll do, we can always alter it slightly."
She took it off, revealing her regulation Hogwarts uniform; a grey skirt and white blouse.
"Here."
James shimmied into it, looking at the sleeves forlornly before checking out the hem.
"I look so tacky; stupid short sleeves." He grumbled, making Lily snicker behind her hand. His bare ankles showed at the bottom, leaving the hem of the black robe to flap above his bare feet,
"Yes, well, it does hide your boxers."
He surprised her by Eskimo-kissing her nose.
"Don't be sad, Lilyflower, I'll show them to you later, if you ask very nicely." James told her, flicking her nose with his index finger as she giggled.
He had managed to direct Lily against the bookshelf, one arm resting by her ear as he flirted, and was feeling rather good about himself until a throat, belonging to neither Lily nor James, was cleared. He sprang away from Lily, only to see Remus and Hermione looking at them in a smug, knowing manner, and a hint of amusement as to his garb.
Hermione held a pair of jeans and a shirt. James could have danced.
"Ahaha, I don't have to wear too small robes!" He cried joyfully, grabbing the clothes from Hermione and throwing them on. "Can we go to the kitchens? I'm starved." He added as an afterthought.
**
The four Gryffindors made their way down to the kitchens, tickled the pear, and crossed the floor space to where some of the House Elves were baking pastries. They were partway there when a loud voice drowned out the other noises.
"You guys always ruin my fun."
Sirius sat in front of a large plate of fish and chips – Hermione and Lily looked slightly revolted; it was nine o'clock in the morning after all – and a pout was set on his handsome face.
Remus looked pointedly at Sirius.
"You forgot where you left him." He said meaningfully. "And then decided that breakfast was more important than finding him."
"Hey! I resent that." Sirius argued. "I think you'll find that I actually said, 'Perhaps we should endeavour to get some nutrition into us so we can best search for dearest Prongs'."
They each regarded Sirius for a moment, before shaking their heads.
"Yeah, right." James said.
"You only utilise 'big words' when you're fabricating stories, Sirius." Remus pointed out.
Lily sniggered.
Hermione laughed at her friend.
In seconds, all five teens were in hysterics, causing the House Elves to shoo them from the kitchens so they could work in peace. James hurriedly grabbed for an apple, followed by a number of croissants as they passed the cooling bench.
"Finally," he stated, "I thought I was going to die of starvation."
____
And that's another. Sorry for the wait, but, hey, I'm busy, busy, busy, these days! Any ideas, send them through a review!