Tuesday.
The headband was discarded.
She hadn't liked it that much in the first place, and it hadn't changed her and made her prettier, and it hadn't stopped Bender from pretending he didn't know her, and Andy still hadn't called at all.
(Not that she had expected him to. She knew better.)
She thought she saw Claire's pretty bright red hair on her way down the halls, but didn't pay much attention —she was kind of mad at her because the headband trick hadn't worked its magic, even though it's not like she had expected Andy to notice her and approach her in front of everyone because she hadn't. She really hadn't.
(Sort of had. But it didn't matter.)
She kept surreptitiously scanning the people around her, looking for familiar faces to observe. Brian was standing by the library, laughing at something one of his friends had said. She wondered what it was —he looked sincerely amused, all happy gasps of air and flushed cheeks. Turning around she spotted John smirking at the crowd in a both threatening and compelling way while making his way to the men's room (although for some reason that smirk made her sad, and she longed to follow him, even if she was hurt that he didn't acknowledge her, even if he was bound to pretend nothing was wrong). She continued her perusal of the mass of students around her. Half the hallway away from her, Andy was...
Andy was kissing a girl.
(She knew it didn't matter, she had told herself it didn't matter, she had always known that it didn't matter because honestly, it's not like she had ever wished it could matter. Nothing really mattered. Nothing!)
She tried for a smile, but didn't exactly manage: instead she stood there, a bitter grimace of self-deprecation and anger on her lips, thoughts running wild in an attempt of self-preservation. It didn't matter! It didn't matter!
(It did.)
Andy pulled away from the blond girl and laughed mirthlessly, uneasily, looking both embarrassed, confused and displeased with both her and his friends, that were currently cheering him on. He looked awkwardly around himself and said something that made the girl scowl and his friends laugh, but he didn't laugh with them. He was staring straight at Allison.
She squeaked at being discovered and ran to hide behind some lockers. She hadn't noticed that the bell had rung and most students had fled. She made it to homeroom barely in time, out of breath and flushed.
(What had happened out there?)
She couldn't stop feeling nervous for the rest of the day, barely managing to pay attention to anything around her, not even attempting to draw something beyond uncaracteristically clumsy dooddles, too agitated to concentrate on anything for too long. She tried not to let herself think about what had happened, but she simply couldn't think about anything else. Andy had been kissing someone. But he had also said something that had made said someone scowl. And then he had looked at her.
He had looked at her as if she mattered.
(And she wasn't even wearing the goddamn headband. Hah!)
She wondered what it all meant. Maybe he didn't want that girl to kiss him? Yeah right. Was she fooling herself? Was she misreading the looks Andy sent her way? Had it been (how humiliating!) wishful thinking?
(It didn't matter. It didn't matter!)
She wondered if maybe that blond girl was someone he had been dating. She frowned, but forced herself to think about it: just because he hadn't said anything about dating someone didn't mean he wasn't.
(What had the kiss on Saturday meant? What had this new kiss meant?)
Nothing. Maybe it was all simple as that. Kisses didn't matter. Their kiss hadn't meant anything and that's why he had hesitated before kissing her, afraid that she might think it meant something. But then again, it did mean something to her.
(Even if she wouldn't allow herself to admit what it was.)
Kisses, looks, words... Nothing meant a thing, and yet it all did. The meaning changed, as did the person that perceived them, and what was meant to be a simple goodbye could mean more (so much more) to someone else. But nothing mattered, not really.
(Only the things she allowed to matter.)
She walked out of the school still deep in thought, almost bumping into Jake that was leaning against the side of her brother's car with his arms crossed. He held her to stop her from stumbling and caressed her arms as he gently asked, "Hey, are you OK?"
She looked up in confusion before snapping out of her trance and pulling away, brow furrowed and scowl in place. She climbed into the car, not bothering to answer the question. It didn't matter. She looked out the window and saw Brian looking her way. She was about to wave when he turned the other way.
(She was so tired of things that didn't matter but sort of did.)