Chapter Four

Time Jump-End of Senior Year

Clary POV:

By the time summer was starting Jace and I were actually very close. We made it a tradition to meet at least once a week at the skate park. Sometimes he would come by a couple times a week when I was having a really hard time. We got smart one time and actually exchanged phone numbers. Although we don't talk as much, I know I can always send him a text to meet me at the skate park and he'll always be there. It was nice, I finally felt like I had someone who was there for me. But unfortunately for me I'd have to spend my whole summer away from him. We have a vacation home down in Mexico that my parents want to spend the whole summer in. A way for us as a family to 'bond' before I go away to collage. I honestly thought it was a bit ridiculous but after my suicide attempt in December they rarely leave me alone. I haven't been able to find the right time to tell Jace I'm leaving for the whole summer, but seeing as I leave next week, I think its time.

I send him a text to meet me at the skate park in an hour. I make my way to the skate park and I bring my iHome. I sync my phone and start blasting Fall Out Boy and All Time Low, and whatever other music I'm in the mood for. Sure enough an hour later Jace is there. I drop my skateboard and make my way over to him. We hug and take our seat on the side of the bowl.

"So what's up?" He asks and I find it really hard to tell him that I'm leaving.

"I'm going on vacation."

"That's cool. Where too?"

"We have a vacation home in Mexico."

"That's awesome! How long are you going for?"

"The whole summer." I say and look at him and his face looks sad. "I leave next week."

"Oh."

"I've been trying to tell you for a week and a half but I never wanted to ruin our time together." He looks at me and I can't handle the sadness so I look away. "This is my parents way of 'bonding' before I leave for school."

"Well, at least when you come back we get to spend the next 4 years together." I knew he was trying to sound positive but it was hard because I knew he was just as sad as I was that I wouldn't be around. Although spending four years together at NYU would be really nice. We spend the next several hours talking and skating and enjoying each other's company before we don't see each other for three months. When night rolls around and the darkness overcomes the sky we part ways. Giving each other one last hug, we say our goodbyes and I head home. This was going to be the longest summer of my life, and I don't know how I was going to survive.

Time Jump-End of Summer

Clary POV:

When I finally got home from Mexico I was so relieved to be back in New York. There was about a week before I had to move into NYU and I was going to take that time to pack and wrap my head around the fact that I wasn't going to have to live under the thumb of my parents anymore. I texted Jace to meet me at the skate park. About an hour later we were both sitting on the edge of the bowl in silence.

"How was your summer?"

"Long. Hard. How was yours?"

"It was fun. I guess."

"Did you party every night? Get with a shit ton of girls?" He laughed and knew I was right.

"Yea. Needed something to do, since the only person I actually like spending time with was gone."

"At least you had company. I was mostly left alone with my thoughts. And from past experience we both know how terrible that is."

"Yea, but the only company I wanted wasn't here."

"I'm not very good company to keep."

"I beg to differ. You're my favorite company."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Is it really that hard for you to believe that I enjoy your company? That I like spending time with you? That I really like you…." He trailed off, clearly not meaning to say the last thing out loud.

"You what?"

"You heard me."

"You're lying."

"Why would I lie about that Clary?"

"I don't know, but you can't like me."

"And why can't I?"

"Because I'm not good enough for anyone."

"What are you talking about Clary?"

"I'm not good enough for anyone." I said again as I looked down at my hands. "I wasn't good enough for Sebastian, he went and found some on the side because I wasn't comfortable enough to let him get close. I'm not good enough for my parents. They expect too much from me. They wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor. They actually yelled at me for getting into NYU. It's not prestigious enough for them. They didn't talk to me for two weeks because of it. I'm not good enough for any of my so-called friends who didn't even know how much of a lie that sleeping pill story was. They just took it for the truth and that was that. They couldn't see that I was literally drowning in loneliness. And I'm sure as hell not good enough for you." I looked up at him and I could see that my words were shocking to him, but I didn't understand why.

"Why do you think you aren't good enough for me?"

"Just look at me Jace."

"I am looking at you Clary."

"No, I mean look behind the surface. I may have a pretty face, and whatever else people see on the outside but I'm completely broken Jace. I weigh significantly less than I should, I cut myself and burn myself, I tried to kill myself Jace. I took maybe 12 of those pills, and I wanted them to kill me. I am so alone Jace. It took everything in me not to jump off the highest building in Mexico, or jump in front of a train, or drown myself in the ocean." I stopped myself to compose myself. "And look at you Jace. I'm not good enough."

"Clary." He started but I cut him off.

"You are literally perfect. You have charisma, and you are one of the most amazing athletes I've ever seen, you have an amazing family who supports you in everything you do and you're hot." He smirks but I wave it off. "We wouldn't work because someone like you deserves a girl who can make you laugh, and who does look at the bright side of every situation, and someone who enjoys waking up every morning to talk to you and see you. I'll never enjoy waking up in the morning, and I'll never look on the bright side. And I don't think that'll ever change about me."

"Are you done?" He says and I'm kinda confused, but I nod. "Clary, I've been with my fair share of girls. Blondes, brunettes, tall, short, blue eyes, brown eyes. You name it, and I've been with at least two girls with those characteristics."

"I don't see how.." I start but he cuts me off.

"Please let me finish." I nod and he continues. "This past year Clary, every time I see a girl I automatically compare her to you. Especially the red heads. I look at them and everything seems wrong because none of them are you. Despite how you think about yourself, you do make me laugh, and you might not see the bright side but there are times you see the less gloomy side, and sometimes that is your bright side, and Clary, I want to be the reason you want to wake up every morning. If there is anything in this life that I want to do its to show you that life can be amazing." He grabbed my hands and turns to face me. "When I heard about your suicide attempt, I literally puked. After it fully sunk in and just couldn't handle it. I felt like a piece of me was being destroyed because I had no idea what was going on. I had to resort to Simon to get any information I could. But all he had was the story you told your one teacher, and when I didn't see you for a couple months I thought I was going to lose it. I would come to this park and hope that one day you'd be here but it never happened until that day you confessed everything to me. I was honestly beginning to think you moved."

"I was on house arrest."

"What?"

"My parents didn't let me out of the house for a month. I went to school that one day and came home 30 minutes later than I normally would have and my parents freaked. So they grounded me. They got someone from the school to home school me until they weren't so paranoid. When I got back to school it was already old news, and nobody cared anymore, which I was happy about. But I wanted to come here, and I hoped one day you'd show up so I could explain. Although I would have tried to lie to you at first but after a week I was beginning to think you'd never show. Until that day, and I was having a horrible day and I just lost it with you. But I knew that I could trust you, which is why I told you everything. Even if we didn't know each other all that well, you brought some level of comfort to me."

"I'm glad you told me. It just made me like you so much more because I knew that at least some part of you knew you could trust me. And it felt good. I felt like in that moment you needed me. And it felt good to be needed."

"I did need you." I looked into his eyes. "Do you know how exhausting it is to not have anyone I can trust with something that big? And I have been carrying it around with me for 10 years. And nobody knew I cut, I always kept them in spots where nobody could see, and I just felt it all becoming too much. And when you found me here one day, it just felt nice to not have to pretend and even if we didn't talk all that often you were the only constant thing in my life that I could rely on. I finally felt like I had someone."

"So why can't you believe that I like you?"

"I just seems too good to be true. We may not go to the same school but that doesn't mean I don't hear what people say about you. Every girl at my school practically drools over you, and all the guys complain about your athleticism. They hate when our schools play, and not just because of the rivalry but because they have to get their asses handed to them by you. You just have everything going for you. I mean you're going to NYU on a lacrosse scholarship, you're smart as hell and even though you're cocky, you are also incredibly sweet, at least to me. And I'm just riddled with trouble and problems that I can't get rid of. I'll always be this way. My demons already control a big part of my life, I don't want them affecting yours as well."

"I don't care Clary. I don't care if they start affecting me, I want to be there to help you through them."

"You don't know what its like to have to deal with them." I begin the cry again. "I wake up almost every night because of the nightmares, I doubt I'll be able to start harming myself anytime soon and you'd be lucky if I eat a couple grapes for lunch. I'm just I'm too broken to be with someone like you."

"Will you stop thinking about me for one second and think about you." I looked up at him and he wiped the tears from my cheek. "Just say the words, tell me you don't feel anything for me and I'll back off. But if you want me, if you want this, don't deny it because you feel like I deserve better. Just tell me I don't have a chance Clary, and I won't ever mention it again." I'm at a loss for words for a minute because I realize he's right. I can't deny him.

"I can't do that." I manage to get out. "I can't tell you that because I can't deny it. As much as I think you deserve someone better, I can't deny how I feel about you." I look at him and he has a giant smile on his face. Pretty soon the distance between us is gone and his lips are on mine. After a couple minutes he breaks the kiss and we're staring into each others eyes. "I can't promise I'll be the greatest girlfriend in the world, it'll be challenging. I won't always listen to you, and I won't always believe you, but I can promise you that I'll try my best. I'm still not comfortable around men, not as comfortable as you're probably used to your girls being. It'll take me a while to get to that level, but I think I could get there with you."

"I've never had a girlfriend, I've never liked someone enough to make that commitment, so I can't promise you I'll be the best boyfriend in the world, but you never have to worry about me cheating on your, or lying to you, or breaking your heart. I'm in this for as long as you'll have me Clary." He kissed me again. "But I'm here to help you Clary, and even if you just need me to hold you while you cry, than all you have to do is ask. I will do everything in my power to make you feel less lonely. And as far as I'm concerned it could take you years to get to that place with me, and I don't mind waiting until you're comfortable enough with me to allow me to get that close."

"You already do make me feel less lonely." I smile and he smiles back.

"So do I have to ask or is it pretty clear that we're together." He smirks and I can't help but laugh.

"I think it's pretty clear." He leans down and kisses me again, and I can't help but smile against his lips. For the first time in years I finally think that I could actually enjoy something in my life. And it feels pretty damn good to actually look forward to having someone get close to me.