Thank you to all of you who have reviewed, favorite-ed, and followed. I am surprised and honored at how well received this story has been, on both Ao3 and ff.

Thank you to kismet4891 and katnissinme for being such wonderful betas.

In Name Only

Chapter 4

Katniss had hoped that something might have changed between them. Although she didn't know what exactly, she anticipated something would be different after spending the night in his room. When she went to the bakery to visit him later in the morning, Peeta acted as if nothing had happened. She decided that she needed a change in her routine, so she thought that she would take 's advice and go and call on Mrs. Odair. Annie had told her to stop by anytime anyway.

"I was thinking of visiting the Odair house later, and I thought that it would be nice if I brought over a treat for Annie," Katniss told Peeta over their daily cup of tea.

"I'll make you some oatmeal raisin cookies then," Peeta suggested with a smile. "Finnick said that she has been craving them lately. I can bring them to you at lunchtime, before I leave."

Katniss's heart sank a little. "Oh, that's right, it's Friday. You won't be back until late, right?"

"It won't be too late tonight, I hope," Peeta said in reply as he started to clean up the tea cups and wipe up the crumbs from the cheese buns.

"Where do you go, Peeta?" Katniss dared to ask, her curiosity finally getting the best of her.

"The county seat," he answered, "I have some business there, and it's nothing that you need to know about right now." His words were not cold or mean, but they were authoritative. He was treating her like a child; this was one thing that really bothered Katniss about Peeta.

Katniss could not help but to be upset with him, but she held her tongue, she didn't want to fight with him when he'd been nothing but kind to her and Prim. Besides, she had other worries. She had called the county asylum to inquire about her mother, and been told that they could not comment on Mrs. Everdeen's condition at the moment and that Katniss could not see her yet. She had told Peeta about the telephone conversation, to which he had told her not to worry about it, that he would take care of it, which only irritated her more.

A few hours later, Katniss, for the first time by herself, successfully made Peeta's lunch. He praised her with an intimate kiss on her neck as she washed up, sending a pleasant shiver down her back. Over lunch he suggested that the following day the two of them go Christmas shopping for Prim. Next, he cleaned up, putting on his good suit, and left for the county seat, leaving Katniss lonelier than she'd ever been and longing for something more.

Katniss walked to the Odair home with cookies in hand. Annie welcomed her happily and shared her cookies over coffee, then she asked Katniss to go with her to Miss Portia's to pick up the christening gown that she'd commissioned for the baby.

Annie had quickly become her only friend in town. A week earlier, Peeta had declined an invitation to spend Thanksgiving with his brothers because they had insinuated that Katniss had married him only for his money, or because she was pregnant with what may or may not have been his child. When the Odairs heard, they had been gracious enough to invite Peeta, Katniss, and Prim over for dinner. Katniss could not remember the last time she had enjoyed herself so much. Finnick and Peeta shared stories of their misadventures as boys. Katniss sat in Peeta's lap as he attempted to teach her how to play gin. She had gotten the hang of it after a while, but she didn't let Peeta know that. She liked the excuse to be close to him; she enjoyed when he wrapped an arm around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder. After much begging from Prim, Katniss reluctantly played the Odair's piano, accompanying herself as she sang "You Made Me Love You (I Didn't Want To Do It)." She caught Peeta watching her while she sang. The look on his face was one of pure adoration, and he blushed brightly when he realized she had caught him.

Katniss learned much about Peeta that evening; he had been at the top of his graduating class without ever cracking a book. The only time that his father ever paddled him was when he and Finnick were eight-year-olds and they hitched the cart pony to the sled, and subsequently rutted up the neighbors' yards. She liked hearing more about Peeta, he was usually so guarded when it came to his past.

Katniss also learned a lot about the Odairs. Annie, like Katniss, was a poor farmer's daughter and several years younger than her husband, though seven years was not as dramatic a difference as thirteen. Unlike Katniss's marriage, Annie and Finnick had been a true love match. She had been his secretary, and it caused a bit of a stir when the most eligible bachelor in the county married his employee, choosing his beloved over some small-town socialite.

Katniss felt true affection for the Odairs. Where Finnick was outgoing, Annie was quite, from the outside they seemed like they were complete opposites but really they complemented each other well. She could help to admire and perhaps be a little envious of the sweet and loving couple.

Inside Miss Portia's, Annie and Katniss could hear Portia with another customer in the fitting room, so they decided to look through pattern books while they waited. The loud voice with a strange accent emanating from the back of the shop sounded like the worst impersonation of an English Duchess Katniss had ever heard. The woman to whom the voice belonged was a sight to see. She wore a tight, black lace dress, layered with strands upon strands of beads, and accentuated with a large red hat decorated with masses of feathers. The woman's hair style was so perfect, stiff, and platinum blonde that it could only be a wig. The worst, though, was the amount of rouge, bright red lipstick, and mascara that the woman wore– she was truly scandalous. Katniss knew instantly who it was; although she'd never seen her in person, she'd heard enough of the stories to know. It was Effie Trinket, the proprietor of the local speakeasy, and about whom it was rumored that she also dabbled as a madam. Or a "loose morals Jezebel" as her Mama would call a woman like that. It was rumored that she had an affair with a very rich, powerful man, whom she subsequently blackmailed into allowing her to run her business uninhibited.

"Well, what a lovely pair we have here," Miss Trinket declared in her fluted voice.

Portia was obviously embarrassed to be caught with Miss Trinket, but was polite enough to introduce them. "Miss Trinket, this is Mrs. Annie Odair and Mrs. Katniss Mellark."

"Oh, how delightful," Miss Trinket exclaimed. "Mrs. Odair, I've met you before. Remember? That charming husband of yours used to bring you to my parties on occasion. I see that you have kept your beauty! Wonderful! So many women let themselves go when they're expecting. If every wife looked as good as you my business would be nonexistent."

"Thank you, Miss Trinket," Annie responded shyly. It was her turn to be embarrassed by an association with the painted lady.

Miss Trinket then turned to Katniss and beamed. "I heard that dear Peeta had gotten himself a baby doll to play house with. My, aren't you lovely? Such pretty eyes, grey eyes are so uncommon…And you still wear a braid? How adorable! Oh, it broke all of my girls' hearts when they heard he married. He is such a darling and a wonderful tipper and..." She giggled a little, then leaned closer to Katniss and whispered, "And very generous in other ways, too, but I guess I don't have to tell you that."

Katniss stood there, mouth agape, not knowing how to respond or even what exactly she'd meant by generous. She never even realized that Peeta would ever walk into such a place or be familiar with this sort of woman. How well does this woman, or her "girls", know Peeta? Was he going to a place like this often? Is that where he was now?

"Oh my stars, look at the time," Miss Trinket stated when she saw the clock. "Well, I'm hosting a big party tonight and I must be going. It was so lovely to meet you ladies, ta-ta!"

Miss Trinket made a show of putting on her mink fur coat and exited the back door in a grand fashion. Miss Portia was mortified. "I'm sorry for that, she pays well and my business has been slow due to the depression and all…"

"Oh, Portia," Annie said sweetly. "Believe me, we're not going to judge you, times are hard. It wouldn't be Christian to turn Miss Trinket away because of her reputation. Would it Katniss?"

"No… of course not," Katniss said distractedly, her mind was now elsewhere, wondering where Peeta was and why it bothered her so much.

When they got back to the Odair's house, Annie sensed how affected Katniss was by her introduction to Miss Trinket, so she sat Katniss down and tried to talk to her. "I know what everybody says about Effie's girls," Annie explained. "They dance and serve drinks but they don't sell themselves, they're just friendly with men. Katniss, honey, Peeta is thirty-one years old. He is going to have a past, I know Finnick does."

Katniss swallowed and asked, "How much do you know, about Finnick's past?"

"Enough to know that I don't want to know the rest," Annie stated simply. "I don't need to know what he has done in the past. All I need to know is that my husband loves me now, and he lives by the vows that he made to me."

Katniss nodded in response; she didn't know how much Annie knew about their arrangement. I don't know if Peeta loves me, Katniss thought. I know he cares about me enough to want to keep my sister and me safe, but anything more I don't know.

"Look, I know that Peeta has not had much luck in the way of love, although I don't know what exactly happened," Annie admitted. "But I've seen the way he beams at you at church, and I know that I'd heard a lot about you long before you ever stepped foot into Finnick's office last spring. Finnick used to constantly tease Peeta about counting down the days until your eighteenth birthday. My husband thinks that Peeta truly feels something for you, or else he wouldn't have done so much on your behalf. He has never seen Peeta so taken with a lady before you and they've known each other their whole lives. Katniss, give him some time. This was all very sudden. He maybe older, but this is his first marriage, too."

Katniss thought about Annie's advice, but the more she wondered about where Peeta was the angrier she got. She wanted to ask Annie more about what she'd meant about Peeta being taken with her, but she didn't want to risk speaking anymore for fear of losing her composure. Somehow Katniss was able to hold her temper until Prim went to bed. Trying to give herself something to do while she waited for Peeta to come home, she took a shower. Having indoor plumbing had become her favorite part of living in a "modern" house; all they'd had growing up was a galvanized wash tub. After she stepped out she looked at her body – she was already healthier than she had been when she moved in nearly a month ago. But she was still thin; her arms were muscular, her hip bones poked out, she definitely did not look well-rounded like Jean Harlow. She considered the size of her breasts, and she thought that they were neither large nor small, and seemed to be in proportion with the rest of her body. Nothing to be overly proud or ashamed of. Katniss studied her braid in the mirror. Maybe I still look like a child to him. Everyone always comments on how young I look. Miss Trinket's comment about her braid stuck with her and she took to playing with her hair, experimenting with different types of buns and up-dos. None of them seemed right, and she was already upset. Finally she gave up and let her hair fall around her shoulders.

She hated the hopeless feeling she had, and she was so confused when it came to her marriage. Why does this all bother me, do I want this marriage to be real? Katniss had never really thought seriously about marriage, at least in the terms of herself being in one. Growing up she didn't obsess over boys like the other girls did; she had been a tomboy in her childhood and boys were her playmates and nothing more. Papa had wanted her to finish high school, so he wouldn't allow courting until she was eighteen. That did not bother her too found boys her age immature and they didn't appeal to her. It's not that she was oblivious to the opposite sex, in fact she did notice them, frequently. All of the girls she went to school with swooned over older boys like Gale Hawthorne. Katniss thought him to be good looking, but his cocky attitude did not endear him to her. Mr. Odair had been every girl's crush, he was very handsome with his sharp suits, slicked back, bronze-colored hair, and piercing green eyes. While Katniss could appreciate him, she thought him too "pretty" for her tastes.

Even as a small child she always been drawn to Peeta's blue eyes and wayward blonde waves, which he refused to slick back with products as other men insisted on doing. His broad shoulders and large capable hands were the epitome of manliness in Katniss's eyes. Despite his scars, she had always found him attractive; to her his scars were a testament of his bravery and willingness to sacrifice for those he cared about. As of late, she found herself admiring the blonde stubble that graced his chin and wondering how it would feel against her skin.

Even if she wanted to move their relationship forward, she had no clue how to go about it. She had to wonder if Peeta wanted her, and if he did why he was not here, trying to woo her instead of being God knows where. She decided to wait up for him to confront him when he got home, sitting on the couch in her night gown and robe. Katniss tried to read scripture in an attempt to calm her temper but it didn't work, so instead she turned on the radio. The raspy voice of Louis Armstrong was playing when the door finally opened at about eleven-thirty. The look on Peeta's face told her that he had not been expecting her to be up. The next one told her that he had definitely noticed that she was in her night clothes and her hair was loose about her shoulders.

Peeta looked exhausted but he still managed to give her a genuine smile. "Katniss, what are you doing up?" Peeta pleasantly asked and approached her and kissed her brow. "I didn't think that you'd be waiting up for me."

Katniss inhaled his scent – it was not the same mixture of sweet smells that he usually carried. He reeked of cigarette smoke, and she recognized the faint trace of whiskey on his breath. It set her on edge. He had been to Miss Trinket's or someplace like it. "I think that we need to talk," Katniss stated while attempting to keep her anger hidden, but it was a lost cause. "Were you at Effie Trinket's tonight?"

Peeta cringed slightly and Katniss could tell that he was trying to decide what to tell her. When his head sank slightly she knew he would tell her the truth. "Yes," he said lowly and Katniss stepped back from him and covered her mouth. He then raised his gaze to hers and explained, "But I was only there for a few minutes. I had a really long afternoon and I needed a stiff drink to calm me." He cautiously approached her, guided her to the couch, and sat them both down, all the while holding one of her hands in both of his. "I'm so sorry that I'm late, I had some unanticipated problems, with my business today and it took far longer to deal with it than expected."

"Oh, you mean the "business" that you won't let me know about?" Katniss snapped at him.

"Katniss," Peeta calmly said. He was trying to defuse the situation. "I tell you all about it someday, but now is not the time. I promise that it is not what it may seem like."

She believed him. He had no reason to lie to her; to her knowledge he had never lied to her, and he didn't reek of the cheap perfume that she had smelled on Miss Trinket earlier in the day. "What am I to you?" Katniss asked when she composed herself.

"Kitty, what do you mean?" he questioned, seemingly perplexed at her question.

"Am I your friend, your charity case," she fought off a sob and took a deep breath, "or am I your wife?"

Peeta, for once in his life, was stunned speechless. This was not the topic he was anticipating.

His lack of reply angered her further. She knew that her response was disproportionate to the cause, but once she started to speak she could not stop herself. She stood and pointed her finger at him. "Peeta, just because I'm eighteen and you're thirty-one doesn't mean you get to treat me like a child," she said passionately. "I was taking care of my family for a year before you came along to save me. I'm old enough to marry, and if I was pregnant with your baby, like half the town and your brothers think I am, no one would think anything of it. To most of the world I am a woman, but to you I'm still the little girl with pig tails."

"Katniss, what has brought this on?" Peeta asked, stunned by her outburst.

"I met Effie Trinket today, and she insinuated that she knew you, as did a few of her ladies, if you dare call them that," Katniss plainly stated. "Now I know what you've done in your past is none of my concern, but I would hope that you wouldn't go to places like that while you're married to me...You know that you could make this marriage real any time you wanted to and then you wouldn't have to go to places like that."

Peeta's eyes went wide in shock and then he whispered in a pained voice, "Kitty, I'm all too aware that you're no longer a little girl. You are not my charity case, and I care for you deeply, more than I can say. But, you don't want me… a scarred man more than a dozen years your senior." He looked away from her, but continued speaking, although his voice was much lower. "Please believe me when I say I want you, I want you so badly it hurts sometimes. But–I'm broken, Katniss…in so many ways. I can't burden you with that, my past, my shortcomings. I care for you too much to make you deal with all of these things."

A realization washed over Katniss. Peeta feels like he is unworthy of love. Her heart ached for him; she wanted to tell him so many things but she didn't have the words to express them in a way that would do him justice. Her instinct was to reach out to him and let him know that he was not alone. She trusted her instincts, they'd never lead her wrong before. Peeta was still sitting on the couch, his eyes averted from her. She knelt at his feet and placed one hand on his knee, bringing the other to his cheek, effectively bringing his face to hers.

"Peeta, why don't you let me be the judge of what I do and don't want to deal with," she pleaded with him and then kissed his cheek. She turned her head slightly and their noses brushed. His breath was hot on her lips. She was tired of fighting this urge, it was now or never. Katniss pressed her lips to his, all the while aware of the fact that she had no idea what to do beyond this as it was her first stayed like this for a moment before his lips moved against hers. His hands found her shoulders and then slid up to either side of her face. Their lips moved slowly, parting ever so slightly. She wanted to communicate so many things to him: her gratefulness, her admiration, and her growing affection. When Katniss needed air she pulled back slightly before leaning into him, and then nuzzled near his ear and made her request. "All I want is a chance Peeta, please. Give me a chance to really get to know you so I can learn about you and decide for myself what I do and don't want. Perhaps you should reconsider what you want too…We may want the same thing."

Peeta dumbly nodded, with a befuddled look on his face. A moment later he took a deep breath and said softly. "Katniss, I promise that I will tell you everything that you want to know. We have a lot that we need to talk about, but not tonight."

"Alright," She whispered then rose and headed to the staircase and left Peeta, on the couch without another word.

Katniss felt a little relieved. She slowly climbed the stairs, she found herself suddenly exhausted, yet she felt lighter. She had gotten a huge weight off of her chest and gotten a little insight on Peeta's thoughts about her. But one thing ran though her mind. What did he mean when he said that he wanted me so bad that it hurt?

Thanks for reading! I hope that you enjoyed it.