Day 35

"You put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. And there's no end in sight. I don't know what the fuck you're doing, ace, but this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit ain't cutting it with me."

- Sylvia Day -

Talk about an awkward situation in which for once in our "relationship" the roles were reversed. I'm the one who pissed as I'm walking away from you and you seem to be perfectly fine, happy even with maybe a slight feeling of regret.

I've been afraid of going to the bar with my friends. Our friends. All because I didn't want to experience a situation where I could possibly bump into you as I'm on my way home in a drunken stupor. Not that I have gotten drunk since my twenty-first birthday. I don't want to relive that experience ever again. Once was embarrassing enough.

I fucking broke down crying in the middle of my class. I guess I'm just lucky that Snape wasn't paying any attention to me at the time. My friends were looking at me like I was insane. It was the day after my twenty-first birthday. Yeah sure, I should have been hungover the day after my birthday, but not fucking heart broken.

So of course, the one night I decide I'm actually going to go to the bar with a bunch of my friends is the one night that I actually run into you on my way home. Although, I'd have to say that the icing on that damn cake was where I happened to run into you.

The fact that she lives two doors down from me wasn't enough, was it? You just had to be on your way to see her at eleven o'clock at night when I'm on my way home from the bar.

Couldn't I just get one night of peace? One night where I don't have to feel like I'm in the wrong.

Haven't I done that enough already? You know what I've dealt with at home. You know how small and irrelevant I feel when I'm there. To be forced to feel that way when I'm away at school is just miserable, and honestly no one should ever have to feel that way.

I'm just waiting for the text message to come through harassing me about being a drunk whore again because I decided to go out with my friends. The ironic thing is that most of the people I was out with tonight were your friends. Or at least, they were your friends first. Tonight though, they were definitely my friends. I'll forever be grateful that we were able to laugh and have a good old time. It definitely made me feel a whole hell of a lot better than I have felt in a long time.

For the first time in over a month, I was able to smile and laugh like I used to before we met. I was actually happy. Do you have any idea how nice that was? I was finally beginning to feel like myself. That is, until I ran into you.

All of the fun I was having just moments before faded into the darkness with the rest of my happy memories from tonight. I can feel the tears starting to roll down my cheek as I write this out because that's just how much all of this still hurts.

I gave everything to you. Do you hear me?

Everything!

I was a quiet, introverted person who was perfectly content spending the night in my bedroom with my journal and some music playing in the background. All the peace and quiet that I craved for so long. Until I met you.

The day I met you is when all of that changed. The day I met you is when everything changed.

I became a person who was so desperate to make someone else happy and say fuck it all to my own happiness. Anytime we would fight, it would break my heart. The fighting would tear apart my spirit because I was doing something to anger you and that wasn't what I wanted.

Even when it wasn't my fault, I still felt like it was. I would go into these crazy depressive spirals when we would fight. I wouldn't eat. I barely slept. I cried myself to sleep, well that is when I would get any at all. Everything I did felt wrong because I knew you were upset with me.

I always felt like I was disappointing you when we would fight. I never once blamed you for any of it. Even when my friends tried to tell me you were cheating on me before we were official. I took your side and told them that they were crazy. I got shunned because I stood up for you.

Now here we are a little over a year later and I'm still being shunned. Only this time it's by you. We aren't together anymore and you made your point very clear when you told me that I wasn't going to get you back. So why is that you get to shun me and act like you don't even know me now?

It should be me doing the shunning. I should be the one with the dual personalities. One moment acting like nothing ever happened between us and then in the next moment acting like I never want anything to do with you ever again.

It shouldn't be you that gets to be happy.

It should be my turn.

For once, I wish it was my turn to be anything but miserable.