Chapter 4…
Clare sat with her feet folded underneath her on the couch, clad in light wash denim jeans and a pink tank top. A light tan suede sweater completed the look, along with a daisy headband. She was relieved to just be able to sit back and have some hot chocolate with Helen and not be bothered by her stepdad or brother.
"Clare, honey, I think we should talk." Helen lightly nudged her daughter's arm and turned to face her. Her brown eyes conveyed sadness. "I don't want to startle or hurt you, but this is something you absolutely need to know."
Jumping at the sudden voice, Clare averted her eyes from the television, set her hot chocolate on the coffee table, and turned to face her mother. "What is it?"
When Helen didn't respond right away, Clare knew something was seriously wrong.
"Mom," she begged in a whisper, eagerly staring into Helen's brown eyes with her bright blues.
Helen sighed deeply and almost reluctantly whispered, "Your father called yesterday. You were out with Eli, but he had mainly called to tell you something."
"What is it?" Clare fearfully answered, dreading the answer. Her mother only acted this way when things were really bad.
"Sweetheart, your father is sick. He's very sick. He said the doctor told him that he only has a few months left." Helen's voice was thick as she referred to Randall, her ex-husband and father of her two daughters who had cheated on her many times during their marriage. Even if she slightly resented him for cheating and wrecking their family, Helen knew being angry with him wouldn't help anything now. She knew her daughters needed the support from her right now, and she would have to put aside her anger towards Randall. Even though Randall had hurt her immensely, he was the reason she was blessed with Clare and Darcy. Losing him would still have an impact on not just her, but everyone.
Clare's eyes widened and she gasped slightly, bringing a shaking hand up to cover her mouth. "You're not serious, Mom,"
"I'm afraid I am, Clare. This is going to be very hard, but I want you to know Glen and I are here to support you. Jake will come around too, honey. We are a family, and we will get through this."
"What do you mean exactly, by 'he's very sick.'?" Clare's entire body was shaking with fear now as she realized that in a matter of months, she'd be losing the father whom she had not spoken to in almost a year.
Helen's eyes watered slightly, suddenly wishing to be in her husband's arms. "He's got cancer, baby. If they had caught it earlier, they'd be able to save him. It's too late though, sweetheart. I am so sorry." She hugged Clare tightly and squeezed tightly.
Clare clutched her mom's soft brown cashmere sweater as a single tear ran down her cheek. "Did he know something was wrong until they told him?"
Helen softly rubbed her daughter's back in soothing motions. "He'd been experiencing some pain, but he didn't think it was too serious, so he never went to the doctor about it. He lives alone, sweetie. None of the…other women…worked out. Jessica moved out last week." She hated saying the last part, but she had no other choice at this point. Clare deserved to know what was going on in her father's life.
"Does Darcy know?" Clare asked emotionlessly, her cheek slumped against her mom's shoulder. She felt numb right now. The tear left her cheek slightly moist, but it was the only one that had escaped her eyes.
"I plan to call her later tonight to let her know. She'll probably want to fly back so she can spend as much time as possible with him before he dies." Helen murmured sadly, pulling out of the hug and wiping the tear-streak from Clare's pale cheek. "Honey, maybe you should visit him. He's in the hospital for the remainder of this week for testing and observation, and then he gets to go home."
Clare's eyes widened. "Mom, I haven't seen him in so long-"
"Sweetheart, he is your father. I understand that you feel hurt and abandoned by him, but he loves you no matter what." She replied gently, tucking a curl behind Clare's ear.
"Oh yeah? He loves me? Then why won't he return any of my calls? Why do I always get his answering machine, and why didn't he call me on my birthday this year?" Clare demanded angrily, pressing her fingers to her throbbing temples.
Helen sighed, despaired. "Clare, Randall is just having a hard time adjusting to living alone. He probably thinks you're angry with him, and he's being immature by ignoring your calls. If you just go visit him, I'm sure he'll be very happy."
Clare ran a hand through her hair and laughed darkly. "Alright, so I have to visit him? He doesn't even care about me anymore, Mom!"
"That is not true. Your father loves you very much. Do you have any idea how much he regretted leaving you? He never wanted to leave this family, but he made that decision when he cheated. You need to be with him now, because Clare, you will regret not figuring things out with him before he's gone. You need to tell him you love him before it's too late, honey. Please, just try to let him explain himself to you." Helen practically begged her daughter; taking Clare's shaking hand and enclosing it with her own.
Clare glanced down at her hand within her mother's. "Okay, Mom. I'll visit him tomorrow afternoon." Finishing this sealed promise of faith, she leapt into her mom's embrace and felt just like a little girl again as Helen smoothed down her slightly wild curls and kissed her head gently.
"You're a good girl, Clare," Helen whispered to her daughter, who was clinging to her. "You're a good girl,"
Clare's voice was slightly muffled from burying her face in her mom's shoulder when she said, "I'm sorry for how I've been acting, Mom. I need to tell you something; please don't be mad at me. Please, promise me you'll still love me after I tell you this."
"What is it, honey?" Helen kindly released Clare from the hug and looked into her eyes.
"Promise me, Mom! Promise me you'll still love me after I say what I'm about to say." Clare's eyes watered in shame as she was about to reveal the truth to her mother.
Helen's eyes widened in alarm as she stared into her daughter's eyes, seeing a look on Clare's face she had never seen before. "I'll always love you, Clare. What did you do?"
"Mom…Jake and I…we…we had sex, Mom." Clare whimpered shamefully, hiding her face in her hands.
"What? You mean to tell me that the two of you snuck behind me and Glen's backs? You lied to me, Clare?"
Clare nodded her head in pure remorse and shame. "I'm so sorry, Mom."
"I don't even know what to say to you right now, Clare. I really don't. That isn't like you to lie to me! You've never lied to me until Jake came into your life!" Helen gasped, feeling betrayed and hurt by her own daughter.
"I wish I could take it back. I didn't even want to, Mom! I just felt so lonely that I thought Jake would leave me if I didn't do it! He had been flirting with Jenna, and I got scared! I was terrified that I'd be alone again!" Clare desperately attempted to make her mother see how she had felt. "You were always going on trips with Glen, leaving me to myself! Jake was all I had. I'm not friends with Alli anymore because she kissed Jake, and I barely talk to Adam anymore! You weren't there for me. Dad was off with Jessica. Darcy's in Africa. I just wanted to feel loved."
Helen's eyes welled up with tears. "I never meant to make you feel that way, Clare. I love you so much." She gently kissed Clare's forehead before pulling back and saying, "What you and Jake did was absolutely unacceptable, but I believe we can work it out if we just sit down as a family and talk about it. Maybe we should get a family therapist as well. For right now, I want you to sit here and wait for Glen and Jake to come home, Clare." Helen sternly stood up and walked to her room with her cell phone in hand.
As Clare sat stone still on the couch, she felt absolutely disgusting for what she had done. She heard Helen yelling at Glen on the phone and telling him he and Jake needed to be home by 10:30 PM. She did not want to have the family talk tonight, however. She felt hurt and sickened by the news of her father's on-coming demise, and terrible for her actions with Jake. She did feel slightly relieved to have told her mother the truth, however.
Her head snapped up when she heard Helen reenter the room. "The earliest they can be home from their contracting trip is tomorrow afternoon." Helen muttered, shaking her head.
"Mom, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking; I was so messed up."
"It's okay, Clare. I know you feel terrible, but I am so proud of you for being honest with me. What we need to focus on until tomorrow is your father, sweetie."
"Mom, I don't want to lose him," Clare cried out with no tears.
Helen sat beside Clare once more. "Baby, I know, I know. Will you be okay here by yourself for the night? Tina wants to know if I'll help her with some new architecture ideas for the firm tonight, and she wants me to stay over. She just recently lost a cousin who was close to her, so I didn't exactly want to say no."
"It's fine, Mom. I'll see you tomorrow." Clare grimly replied, folding her arms across her chest.
"I hate to leave you, sweetie, I really do, but Tina's my best friend. She needs me." Helen murmured softly, kissing Clare's forehead.
"It's fine. Go." Clare ordered, before she lay on her side.
Helen frowned before picking up her purse and walking towards the door. "Call me if you need anything, Clare. I love you."
The door shut before Clare could get another word out. Sighing, she scanned the dim room before her eyes landed on a pile of pictures on the coffee table. Intrigued, she picked them up.
The pictures revealed her and her father playing in the backyard with Darcy. Another showed Randall cradling a baby Clare while Darcy tentatively held her baby sister's hand. Helen and Randall were sitting side by side, Helen's stomach rather round while Darcy sat on Randall's lap.
Tears invaded Clare's eyes, and she quickly shoved the pictures into a drawer.
Just then, it her that she was going to be losing her father in a matter of mere months.
She grabbed her phone and dialed Eli's number, knowing she could not be alone tonight.
"Hello?" Eli answered right away.
Clare sniffled. "Eli, can you come get me?"
"I'll be right there, Clare." He promised, and that promise was kept approximately ten minutes later when his car pulled up to her house.
One hour later, Clare was snuggled under the soft covers of Eli's bed. His hand stroked her face repeatedly, trailing from her temple to her chin over and over again.
"What's going on, Clare?" Eli whispered concerned, moving his body closer to her pajama-clad form.
Clare opened her eyes and looked into his. "My dad has cancer, Eli." She expected herself to burst into tears at her own statement, but she just caused herself to cry silently.
Wordlessly, Eli pulled back the cover and climbed in beside her. "Come here," he crooned, gently pulling her to him and carefully wrapping his tender arms around her. She allowed tears to stream down her cheeks and clutched him tightly to her.
"Why didn't he go to the doctor sooner? Now it's too late for them to do anything! He's going to be gone in a few months!" She cried against him, feeling his hand start a rhythmic pattern across her back. "NO! This isn't OKAY! Don't do that! Don't do that! Please, don't try to calm me DOWN. This isn't OKAY! It won't be okay! Eli, stop, please!" Clare sobbed, starting to push against his chest angrily, desperate to take out her hurt on someone. She didn't want to hurt him, but it was all she could do. She was powerless.
Eli was shocked to see Clare like this; she never got this way. "Shh, Clare, it's okay. Yes, it is okay. It's alright, you're not alone." Clare sobbed harder and continued her shoves against Eli.
"Please, don't! I can't," she felt his lips press against her forehead gently. "DON'T do that, Eli! Please, don't do this to me!" She broke into incoherent sobs and broke down completely, not an ounce of mental strength left in her. Her body slumped against Eli's as she cried on him, too hurt and confused to do anything else at that moment.
"You're okay, you're okay. Breathe, Clare." He was elated when Clare took a small breath; it wasn't much, but it was progress, nonetheless. "That's it, there we go, shhh," he repeated this for almost ten minutes until she completely soaked the shoulder of his T shirt.
"Why? Why didn't he go to the doctor? It's too late now! He's going to die, Eli!" she cried, her cries muffled by her face's hiding spot in his shoulder.
"I don't know why, Clare. He should have. I'm sorry. If I could make it okay again, I would." Eli promised and reassured his girl before bringing the covers tighter around her. She didn't stop crying, so he attempted to calm her by kissing her forehead gently and leaning down to her ear. He kissed it before whispering directly into it, "I love you."
It took a good ten minutes for Clare to finally calm down enough to think about sleep. "I'm sorry I acted like that."
Eli smiled gently, stroking her shoulder and keeping her tight against him. "Nonsense, Clare, you were expressing your feelings. I'm glad you let me know how you feel."
"I'm going to see my dad in the hospital tomorrow, Eli. We haven't talked in almost a year." Clare whispered from her perch on Eli's chest.
He sat up gently, bringing her to sit in his lap. "That's great, Clare. You need to talk to him about everything. I'm sure everything will be just fine. This is a good thing."
Clare scowled and turned away from him, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Eli moved beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "What is it, Clare?"
"I just don't know if I can do this. It'll be so sad." Clare whimpered and buried her face into her hands, leaning down so her face touched her knees.
Eli understood immediately and without a word, he wrapped her slumped form into a gentle, rocking hug. She allowed him to comfort her with his caring touch. He pulled her limp body back into bed and turned off the lamp. "I'm here," he whispered, feeling her relax and fall asleep in his arms.
"So then I took my turn, oh all the things I've done, and it was all yellow."
"…D'you know I love you so? You know I love you so."