Hey! So sorry for the late update! I wrote this chapter three different ways, and had trouble figuring out which one would be most proper given the situation. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this one!
Also, I cannot thank you guys enough to the reviews, follows, and favorites. They all mean so much to me. I'm happy to see people enjoying this as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Chapter Four: Panic Prone
He knew better than to try to dream. He could try, but sleep was an angry wife seeking vengeance tonight. And he was the victim of her poison. She had been haunting his bedroom for the past several nights, feasting on his thoughts. There was no cure, but her presence seemed to fade whenever he buried his head into his pillow. Where the other woman's scent lingered. It was that perfume that spared him mercy, granted him peace if only for a little while. Because every time he allowed indulgence, eventually he would see emerald eyes fainting right before him.
He sighed heavily against the silence in his cabin, fingers intertwined behind his head. Blue eyes stared up at the ceiling; there were 24 squares.
They almost lost Shepard again. If they hesitated a moment longer, she wouldn't have made it. It was all thanks to the cybernetics that she survived the trip back to the Normandy. The severity of what could have happened was bothering more than it should have. Garrus never spent too much time pondering the results of what-if's, but this situation was entirely different. It felt heavier. He couldn't fathom the idea of losing her. Again.
His talons curled into fists, frustration sank its claws into his chest and he released it with a growl. He should have taken point then. He should have never allowed her to go in first, commander or not. He had to be the guardian here. How could he accept the name Archangel if he couldn't protect those closest to him? Losing his team on Omega had left him in shambles, what would become of him if he were to lose Shepard after just reuniting with her?
Garrus sat up tossing his sheets away from him before rubbing his forehead with his talons. He threw his legs over the side of the bed, slouching forward to cradle his head in his palms, elbows digging into his knees. His room was deafeningly quiet, it was giving him a headache and too much reason to think. His restlessness all came from one source. Be it tonight, last night, or three days ago, his battle with sleep seemed to have one cause and it was her.
He pushed himself to stand and forced himself to take that first step and the others easily followed in line. He wasn't sure of the time, the Normandy ran with Zulu hours, and he guessed it was no later than zero hundred, "midnight" he had heard someone refer to it as. His foot steps echoed off the walls, seemingly louder than usual since more than half the deck had retreated to their beds. He knew there was always someone awake aboard the vessel, but he hadn't seen anyone during his approach to the elevator. There wasn't a single marine in the mess hall, but the open space had an aroma in the air and there was a frying pan sitting on the stove. He saw an empty glass in the sink along with a used plate. Someone had been up cooking.
He let his eyes fall to the window of the med bay, and he could see her sleeping on the metal gurney farthest into the bay. Dr. Chakwas wasn't in the area, but seeing that her computer was shut off, Garrus knew she must have gone off to bed as well.
The doors hissed open for him as he approached them, and he could smell the musty scent of sweat and a bitter taste of poison in the air. Of all things Shepard faced off with, to be taken down by poison was an insult. He grabbed the chair from in front of the doctor's computer and quietly placed it next to his commander's bedside. He could hear her heavy breathing, the monitor that surveyed her heartbeat was clicking faster than it should have. Upon closer inspection, he could see the wound on her cheek had turned an angry red. Her veins around the bullet graze were showing through her porcelain skin. He saw her hands gripping tightly onto the bed railings, her face construed in pain as she grimaced in her sleep. Her brow furrowing, her lips quivering. He eyed the tourniquet around her arm, even with the morphine going through to her, she was still in pain.
He reached over to wipe away the sweat that had been collecting along her hair and jawline. He was careful to avoid her wound as well as the scars on her face that had yet to fully heal from her reconstruction. She flinched at his touch, and he withdrew his hand as if he'd touched fire. When she settled, he reached out again to finish his task. She murmured something then, but he couldn't make out what she said. He could see her cornea's moving rapidly behind her eyelids. She was dreaming. He sat back against the chair and allowed himself to settle in. The least he could do now was be at her side. Be there for her like he said he always would.
Maybe if he'd known more about human anatomy, he could be of more use. There was a data pad on the doctor's desk and he retrieved it, opening an article on different types of poisons that effected humans.
Green eyes slowly cracked open and where she was expecting light to shine through, there was only darkness. Her hand reached out to test her surroundings but her hand bumped into a concrete wall only a foot in front of her. Where was she? Her fingers slid along the wall until she found a corner and followed it. She realized then that she was encased, trapped in a very small area. A coffin. Was she dead? Panic began to boil, and she pressed harder against the walls in hopes that they would fall apart with pressure but to no avail. That was when her heart started racing, she pounded her fists against the wall in front of her once, twice.
"...Shepard." Her name was whispered into her ear, and it was from a voice she had nearly forgotten.
The woman turned around faster than her head could process it, "Ash?!" Almost immediately, her gut had spilled with guilt. An apology slipped from her mouth before she even knew what was being said, "ASH! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!"
The only reason why Shepard had doomed the woman, had been because of Kaiden. She just couldn't leave him behind. But Ashley, despite her xenophobia, had been somewhat of a friend to her. Granted, the commander usually kept people at an arms length anyways. She just couldn't handle another repeat of Akuze. The red head had made the mistake then to allow herself to get close to others, and not because she had trust concerns, but because losing them all had hurt her too much.
She still had nightmares. The torment had been tenacious in its pursuit of her mental health. And she would have lost it if it weren't for Anderson. He had extended his hand out and carried her beneath his placid wings. And it was something she never said out loud, but she looked to him as a father. Not that she knew what having a father felt like, but he was that presence she tried to please, knowing he couldn't be. He was the authority figure she would always obey, even when the dog tags came off. He was the one who saved her from the tornado that wrecked havoc in her world. He had been the one to drive his fist at her when she held a gun to her head. An act most would frown down upon, but an act that had saved her. Without it, the deadly dance she swayed to would have drowned her, and that trigger would have been pulled.
Don't you fucking dare dishonor their deaths!
It was the first time she heard him use such fowl language.
Kaiden had been more than a crew mate. Whenever there was downtime, he would often seek her out and they would talk about anything but military. His family, her hobbies, her taste in music, his taste in art. He had been the first to sneak his way through her defenses. And she did little to stop it. The company was welcome, it definitely muted the screaming in her head.
Ashley, even though she had known the solider for a slice of time, they had a relationship that was defined by brutal truth. And it was refreshing. Even though Shepard was annoyed by the soldier's xenophobia, she found it pleasing to exchange words with the female.
That's why, even though the decision tore her apart, she couldn't leave Kaiden behind.
And he had been the one to make her feel guilty for it. I'm only here because of us, he had said to her. Ashley died so we could have a chance?
And if there was anything worse than the taste of a bullet, it was sacrifice.
When he came to her the night before Ilos, Shepard had turned him away. She knew about dishonoring life, and wasn't about to dishonor Ashley's sacrifice by letting herself fall into bed with the man who survived where she hadn't. Kaiden understood, but she could still see the bitterness in his eyes. He walked away without saying a word, and subsequently, she had spent the night alone.
The lights abruptly turned on, blinding her vision and forcing her to cover her eyes until they adjusted. Her wrists were suddenly pinned down and she could feel cold metal pressing down around her ankles. There was a sharp pain in her arm, a familiar prick that she knew had been the source of a needle. She struggled to free herself, but a foreign hand shot out and aggressively pressed her back against the table she was shackled to.
Slowly, as her vision finally started to focus, she could make out glowing eyes hovering over her. Her named was called once more, and Ash's voice morphed into Harbinger's. Her green eyes widen, she trembled. I will tear apart everything you cherish.
A new light blinded her eyes, and she sat up faster than her head could process the act. The glowing eyes simmered away, the feel of cold steel around her wrists and ankles faded. Everything was spinning and her head was throbbing. She was in a room that rung familiar in the back of her head, but she didn't spare the feeling a moment longer. Fear was still stirring inside her. There was something plugged into her arm, and she yanked the tubes away from her. She pulled the heart monitor off of her, the needles feeding her water and morphine all clattered to the floor. With tears still fresh in her eyes, Shepard's fight or flight instinct kicked in. She grasped the bed railings to attempt an escape, but her legs were dead weights and she tumbled to the floor.
Garrus barely had enough time to reach out and catch her before she could hit the floor. Her weight knocked the air out of him and he fell backward with the red head pressing against his upper body. He groaned painfully when his spikes clashed against the steel floor.
Confusion drowned out her sense, and she pushed herself off the turian to look around the room. There was no collectors, no Ash. She was... her eyes squinted, trying to clear out the blurs. She scrambled to her knees, looking down when she felt a body under her.
"...Shepard..." He grunted, trying to catch his breath.
"Garrus!" She wiped at her eyes as if the fuzz would go away. Her vision slowly started to clear, and she could tell by the blue face markings that the person under her was definitely Garrus. Which also meant she was just dreaming, and that she was safe.
He shifted under her awkwardly, his teeth grit and a low growl came from his throat, "Shepard, please... you're crushing my..." His hands went to push against her thigh.
She looked down between them, a blush turning her cheeks warm. She quickly removed her knee from his groin, "Oh! Sorry!" She blurted, moving to sit on the ground next to his side.
He immediately took in a deep breath, "It's ok," He wheezed half in pain, half in relief.
She backed away to give him space as he sat up, obviously using every ounce of self control he could muster not to curl up in a ball and cradle his gonads.
She looked off to the side, obviously flustered. Let it be the reproductive system of a turian male that she hurt. Shepard never took pleasure in hitting below the belt in fights, so she never knew what it was like to actually hurt a male in that particular origin. But it was nice to know that turians did come equipped with the same parts as a human male did.
Her blush was demolished at that thought. Wait, what? Did she just... Oh, God. Her hands lifted to shield her face from the turian in front of her. Did she just make a sexual reference to Garrus?! She just... She just thought of his penis! She blew air into her cheeks to keep the blush from darkening and slowly let the air out in order to calm herself down.
Then suddenly, there was a loud burst of laughter coming from the commander, "Garrus!" She snickered, an arm reaching out to smack him on his shoulder, "Garrus, you have a penis!" Her laughter bounced off the walls of the med bay. Her hand slapped against her thigh as an output and she shook her head before lifting it to laugh at the ceiling.
He forced a laugh, a hand lifting to rub where she had smacked him a little too hard for it to be playful. Those cybernetics definitely gave her strength, "Thanks for that confirmation, Commander."
"Shhhhh!" She shushed him, rising to her knees and placed a hand over his mouth, "Shhhh!" She repeated.
Garrus gave her a blank stare, "You're the one making all the noise," He muttered as her hand pressed against his mouth, but even to his ears it was just muffled noise. He was about to question her sanity when he remembered that she was just hooked up to morphine and the drug was still fresh in her system. And the thought of Shepard being high amused him. It was a little snippet of the red head he hoped no one else could see. This past week, he knew his desire to know more about the commander had left him greedy for her.
She leaned in closer to him, taking her hand away from his mouth to plant her palm against cold steel beneath them. He dared a glance at her, and she was on all fours, her emerald eyes darkening with ... something he couldn't put a name to. Her lips were parted, her breathing grew heavy. She crawled toward him, placing a hand on either side of him.
Garrus choked then, lifting his hands to place them on her shoulders in an attempt to halt her from getting closer, "Shepard, what are you doing?"
She didn't respond, but his blue eyes were witness to her tongue peeking out from between her lips to moisten them. He noticed her eyes were on him and she crawled even closer, easily thwarting his half-serious attempt to stop her, "Garrus," Desire soaked through her voice in a very sultry whisper.
Garrus had heard his name being spoken thousands of times before, but never had it sounded like that. His breath caught in his throat. He let his back fall against the wall behind them as she crawled onto his lap. He had no idea what to do but kept his hands glued to her shoulders, his talons gripping tightly.
She leaned her head closer to his, just an inch of space between them, "Garrus," She repeated, "I think I might be part krogan."
And before he had time to process her words, she placed those delicate looking lips of her's against his mouth.
Her cheeks were a rosy red, and the air around them grew musky with the scent of her desire. It drove him mad. His talons gripped tighter around her shoulders, he was entirely unsure of what to do with his mouth. He knew she was kissing him, he hadn't spent all his time around his former human C-sec co-workers to be dense about human customs. But he had never thought he'd be one to take part in the action. Shepard must have been too high to remember that turians didn't kiss.
The feel of her lips against his mouth was hardly offensive. It was unlike anything he had ever felt before, and wouldn't mind for it to be repeated; not that he would ever dare to ask. It was like silk against his mouth, and he wanted to do more with it. For him, the equivalent of kissing was licking. And so, he lifted his hands to cup either side of her jaw and sat forward. He applied pressure back, but along with it, he snaked out his tongue and traced her bottom lip.
The taste of her woke up something very primal in him, and he growled heavily against his chest in approval. Shepard parted her mouth, and greeted him with her own tongue. His eyes grew dark as hunger slowly began to seep in, the sweet taste of her had been his undoing. The red head moved her lips against his mouth, and she sat more fully in his lap, her thighs open to him as her legs settled around his waist. He could smell her, his nostrils flared, his mandibles quivered.
She moaned into his mouth, rocking her hips against his in one fluid motion.
Garrus froze completely. His mouth slanted, and she pulled back to give him a quizzical expression, "What's wrong?" She asked softly.
There was a voice in the back of his mind that reminded him: She's doped up on morphine, you idiot.
Hesitantly, he removed his hands from her face and placed them back on her shoulders, "Shepard, you're not in the right mind," He was trying his hardest not to sound like he was rejecting her. Oh, spirits, how her cheeks burned with lust, how those emerald eyes glistening with hunger. He could be that fool to take full advantage of her right here, right now. But Shepard trusted him. He swallowed hard, pushing her away to give them space between their chests. If she lingered closer any longer, her scent alone would be enough to seduce him.
She allowed him to push her away, and she lifted an eyebrow at him, "...Are you serious?" She asked, but there was a second layer to that voice, as if saying to him: Quit being a little bitch about it, Vakarian.
"Yes, Shepard, I am. You need to rest." He heard her scoff, "You'll thank me later," He finished, wrapping his arms around her so that he could lift her as he stood.
He carried her bridal style and gently placed her back onto the metal bed.
She was out cold the instant her head hit the pillow, and he never felt more like a pervert.
He looked down at himself, his own hunger for the woman showing. He exhaled heavily, shaking his head. What has come over him? His intention was to find peace next to Shepard, instead, he only ended up adding even more stress to feed his restlessness. Shepard was out cold, and he was still wide awake. A cold shower should help fix the situation below the belt, but dammit, why couldn't he sleep?
And what would happen between them once she was fully aware of her actions? Would she remember? Would she hate him? No, that wasn't a possibility. He had stopped her before either of them did anything they would later regret. He knew she would more than likely thank him for it. The funny thought there was, he now knew that the great Commander Shepard grew libidinous when under the influence. He was glad it was he who saw her like this. Unlike humans, turians didn't see greed as a sin and he was more than willing to indulge.
That's when he knew. Garrus Vakarian was attracted to Shepard. And he just now noticed that not once had her being human bothered him. If it hadn't been for the kissing, he would have forgotten she was human and that he was turian. When she kissed him, doped up on drugs or not, it had just been the two of them. And that thought scared him more than anything ever could. Because if it didn't bother him now, just how far would this attraction go?
His eyes drifted over to the sleeping woman, she had crept up on him. In his pursuit to know her as a person he had opened a door that led him straight to a path of attraction. He had never found the human species to be attractive, but for some reason, everything about her drove him mad. Her scent, he was now willing to admit, had been the key factor to his calm. And now that it was fading from his pillow, he couldn't find that peace anymore; it would explain why the last time he got a full nights rest had been when she was in his bed. How the taste of her was enough to make him lose control.
But now that he was aware of it, what could he do about it? There was no way he could pursue the thought of...
He paused in his thoughts. The thought of what? Of being with her? His eyes widen, and he hesitated only a moment longer before he turned to quickly exit the bay. Had his thoughts evolved that quickly? Just five seconds ago he was barely admitting to his attraction, and now he was already thinking of being together with her?
He had to give her time, give her space. And definitely, had to give himself some time to sort out these running ideas taking over his head. There were many attributes that could lead him to this thought process: lack of sleep, the fear of almost losing his best friend, the fact that he was absolutely lonely, or the the fact that it had been quite some time since he last had any sexual contact at all. Clearly, he wasn't thinking straight. He was fine with admitting to his attraction for now, but anything beyond that needed to be sorted out.
But first, he needed a cold shower.
The following morning Mordin was happy to announce that the commander's fever had finally broke, and that she was going to be fine. However, there were small traces of the poison still circling her bloodstream. For the most part, Shepard remained unconscious. And her sleep lasted only another day before she was healthy enough to stay awake. The following morning after that, she no longer needed the morphine as the pain had finally subsided. And once she knew that, Shepard bolted from the med bay even against the advice of Dr. Chakwas for one more day of bed rest.
The whole time, Garrus had seen her just once to confirm that she was ok.
He was avoiding her, but he knew she would come searching for him. If not to accuse him of molesting her while she was doped up on drugs, then to tease him about his apparent lack of concern over the health of his commanding officer. He still hadn't quite wrapped his head around his thoughts and he could only pray that she wouldn't remember. Or least believe the incident to have been a dream. That way, it would remain his little secret. As perverted as that was, it was better than facing the reality that she might just reject him. Not that he had proposed anything to reject in the first place.
And finally the day had come when he was cleaning his mantis. A knock on his door left him frozen. If he didn't respond, perhaps the person on the other side would take the hint and leave him be. Unfortunately, Shepard wasn't easily deterred.
"Garrus," Her voice came muffled from the other side of the door.
She didn't sound angry.
He relaxed, paused only a moment as he readied himself to face the upcoming conversation, "It's open," With those two words, he had prepared himself to face the worse.
The doors hissed open and Shepard was first greeted by the stench of the oils he used to clean his rifle with. To anyone else, the smell would have been too bitter to enjoy. To soldiers like she and Garrus, it was a familiar scent that often calmed the anxious spirit before battle.
She saw him sitting there, turning his head to watch her over his shoulder before he stood and greeted her with a nod of his head, "Shepard."
"Hey," She returned the greeting with a small smile, "Kasumi said you'd be down here."
He grunted, "Kasumi says a lot of things."
Shepard shrugged playfully, then her demeanor changed, her arms dropped from crossing her chest to idly running her fingers up and down the wall she stood next to. If Garrus didn't know any better, he'd have thought she was being shy. Mentally, he hoped she wouldn't have remembered what happened between them in the med bay. He wasn't ready to face it, and he definitely wasn't willing to face the outcome. What if the whole situation disgusted her? Shepard was far from xenophobic, but that didn't mean she was open to being with anyone outside her species. What if she was about to tell him to forget anything ever happened?
"Dr. Chakwas was worried about you, you know," She started, he noticed her pinching her bottom lip between her teeth.
He chuckled, "It's when I'm not in the med bay that she starts to worry, huh?"
She forced a laugh, taking a step closer to him, "She was wondering why you never came to see me, " She scoffed playfully, waving a hand in the air next to ear as if to stimulate nonsense, "Something about us being through too much for you to neglect your commanding officer."
"I was the one who carried you to the med bay," He countered in playful defense.
There was silence. A long, painful silence.
"You also carried me back onto the bed." Her words were quiet and unusually soft, but they rang loud and clear in his ears. He froze.
She remembered.
He looked away, his hands shaking as he coolly leaned against the chair for support. Crap. What now? This is what he had prepared himself for. He closed his eyes to look away, his mandibles lowered with shame, "Look, Shepard, I-"
"...I-I probably just drooled all over you," She whispered softly, cutting him off.
Garrus slowly turned his head to look at her, completely stunned. His wide eyes spoke words he would never express, and Shepard felt like a little school admitting a crush. She could feel her cheeks burning, and she bit down on her bottom lip once more, remembering the feel of his tongue gliding over it.
"I can do better."