Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.

This chappie is dedicated to Major Mike, who wanted a situation with Ivy. Sorry it isn't exactly what you wanted, but I couldn't manage to get it right. XDD;;

--

The Fetus Factor

Part 4

Ivy

--

"Tira?"

"What, Jailbait?"

"Seriously. While I appreciate the fact that you're not being a homicidal maniac, you can let go of me now. Really. Right now. Let go."

"Aww, you're serious?"

"Yes."

"Well damn. That sucks." Tira let out a melodramatic sigh as she released Talim. The small girl winced as blood flowed back into her arms leaving pins and needles in their wake.

"Well," Yunseong said loudly to get their attention. "Now that we're finished having a love session--"

"What? We were? And I didn't hug you, Yun-dude!" Tira opened her arms and smiled. "C'mere!"

"I'd rather not."

"Oh come on!" She cackled and advanced to him; Yunseong gulped and took several steps back. "Give Tira a hug!"

"I said no you crazy clown bitch!" Yunseong barked. "Get away!" Tira pounced and laughed like a madwoman (which she was) and started chasing him around the forest clearing. Talim giggled and had to smile, happy to see her friends getting along. Er, so to speak. Tira tackled Yunseong to the ground in a hug, while the young man wailed like he was being castrated with a heated spoon.

Yes. Tira's hugs were that bad.

Suddenly, Talim felt someone's hand clamp over her mouth, and the handkerchief in the attacker's palm was coated in a chemical of some sort. Talim gasped, breathing in the fumes of the chemical, and soon felt the world slipping away.

The last thing she thought was, 'Oh, fuck, not again!'

--

"Go on, say it!"

"No!"

"Say it! Or I swear to god I'll kiss you on the cheek!"

"AAAH OH GOD NO--A-alright, fine! Tira's the best fighter--"

"Say it right, Yun-dude!"

"Tira is the bestest best fighter in the whole world and Yun-dude is just a fwuffy kitty! THERE I SAID IT NOW GET OFF ME!"

Tira sneered, yet got off Yunseong's back. She giggled. "There, was that so hard?"

"YES." Yunseong got up, brushed his pants free of the loose blades of grass. He scowled at Tira, and scooted a few paces away from her. "And gee thanks, Talim, for the help," he snapped to the girl behind him, not looking to see her guilty face.

Tira's face paled. "Uh...Yun-dude? Do you know where Jailbait is?"

"Uh, right behind me."

"Uh, no, she's not."

Yun-seong stared at Tira, then looked over his shoulder. Talim was gone.

"You're kidding me! She got kidnapped twice in the same day!?"

"We have the worst luck, don't we?"

--

Talim let out a small groan as she finally awoke. Sitting up, the wind priestess blinked away her blurred vision and took a good look at her surroundings.

She let out a high-pitched wail as she realized that she was in a stranger's bedroom wearing a sexy nightie. Except Talim did not wear sexy clothes at all. At least not on pupose. Covering her chest with her arms, blushing furiously, the girl looked around the bedroom an gulped at the amount of bondage gear available. Well, at least things can't get worse, Talim thought to herself optimistically.

"Hello, my dear," a voice with a thick British accent purred.

Talim facepalmed and vowed to become a brooding pessimest from that day on.

"You seem a bit tense, lovely," the voice continued gently. "Maybe I can give you a relaxing massage?"

Naive as Talim was--

"Oh, would you?" The girl looked around for her captor, confusion etched onto her yong features. "I would like that very much! I have been a bit tense lately, and there's this krik in my neck--"

"Oh, uh," the voice stammered. "I don't think you caught my sexual innuendo. I didn't mean massage literally."

Talim frowned. "Well that's not very nice. I'll have you now kriks in the neck aren't a pleasent experience!"

There was silence. Then, a woman with short silver hair strode into the light, rubbing at her temples. Talim took one good look at the woman's attire, then leaped back (falling off the bed), hands over her nose. She was blushing to the roots of her hair, and blood trickled from between her clapsed fingers.

"Blessed winds above!" Talim shrieked, her voice muffled by her hands. "Where the hell are your clothes!?"

The woman blinked, then said in the British accent, "On...my body?"

"No, that's string!" Talim looked away respectfully, her right eye twitching horribly and her nosebleed still going.

"Same difference. Look, dear, can we not make a big deal out of this?" The woman rolled her eyes. "And I wouldn't talk about clothing, little Miss Transparent Pants."

"It's ae-ro-dy-nam-ic material!" Talim ground out. "It's not for sex appeal!"

"Sure it isn't, darling."

--

"How can one girl get kidnapped TWICE in the same day!? How!? I ask you!"

"Um, this is a crack-fic Yun-dude. I wouln't be surprised if a bunch of drunken monkeys wearing tutus came out of freakin nowhere and started can-can dancing."

"...w-...wait, what?"

"It's not supposed to make sense." Tira turned toward Yunseong, bared her teeth, and raised her clawed hands and waved them around in a threatening manner. "Fear my logic!"

Yunseong stared, before sighing and massaging his temples where a headache was currently forming. "I need some Advil," he said to no one in particular.

"You shouldn't talk to yourself Yun-dude," Tira informed him cheekily. "People will start to think that you're cra-zy."

Yunseong twitched. "Let's just find Talim and get on with this stupid fic, jeez."

"We can help you there." a calm voice said from behin him. Yunseong turned to see--

"Aw, crap," Tira hissed, "fan-characters!"

"Warm welcome we get, eh?" said a tall girl sarcastically. Red hair in shaggy layers framed her face to the nape of her neck and drifted lazily into her hazel eyes. An orange, leather tunic with a black shirt beneath it, red breeches, and brown leather boots completed the ensemble.

"Le paraît tellement Amara." chirped a small blonde, her big eyes a curious shade of blue. She wore a blue cloth shirt, along with simple tan leggings and blue shoes. "J'espère que non les auteur obtenir ça droit français."

Tira stared. "...I don't get it." she whined a second later, "what the hell did that girl say?"

The blonde haired girl frowned. "Um, I said--you know what, never mind." she said in a lightly accented voice. "I'm done. Screw this."

The red-head, Amara, facepalmed. "Hush, L'eau . We're here to provide convienent help for the main characters, so stick it out with me a little longer, okay?"

"Speaking of that convienent help," Yunseong decided to speak up. "You two dully plain fan-characters wouldn't happen to know where our friend was kidnapped to, would you?"

"Well," Amara began, shrugging. "We did happen to see this nearly nude dominatrix lady run off with an underage chick with transparent pants a little while ago."

"Sounds like Jailbait," Tira nodded.

"They went thatta way," the blonde, L'eau, supported, pointing in the complete opposite direction Tira and Yunseong had been traveling.

"Thanks!" Yunseong said. "C'mon Tira, looks like we gotta bust Talim outta trouble again." He took off soon after he said the words.

"Don't worry," Tira called out to the fan-characters as she began running after Yunseong. "This happens a lot! We're pros at this!"

--

Speaking of that underage chick...

"Oh, hi," greeted a red-headed woman warmly, her gentle smile contrasting sharply with the black leather corset and fishnet stocking, garter ensemble she was wearing. "What's your name?"

"..." Talim stared. "Uh...Talim."

"Nice to meet you Talim! I'm Hilde."

"..."

"I'm supposing you're wondering why you're here?" Hilde smiled warmly again. Talim was severly creeped out by it. "Ivy's a dominatrix by nature, so she needs cute, loveable to dominate. That's you and me!"

"B-Bu-But I'm only f-fifteen!" Talim stuttered, her face going pale. "And, you know, the stereotypical nun-virgin in the whole group! Why would Ivy pick me!?"

"Well, shit, maybe she's desperate." Hilde shrugged. "Oh, but trust me, you're going to love it after a while." Hilde cackled. "Ivy knows some things...And the spankings, oh God yes, the spankings! Being the bitch is the best thing that could have ever happened."

Talim died a little bit more on the inside. "But I dislike pain." She scooted away from the grinning Hilde. "I dislike pain of any sort!"

"Eh, you'll get over it." Hilde sighed dreamily. "I remember that I didn't like the pain either, at first...but then, you know, you start liking it a little. Well, I like it a lot, but that's because Ivy can do this thing, with her sword/whip and it can go right up the--"

"Hilde, darling," Ivy interrupted smoothly. "I think you're scaring her."

"Ivy!" Hilde suddenly struck a seductive pose, batting her eyelashes and puckering her lips. "What's on the agenda for today?" she purred, winking.

"Well, I was thinking we could all take a break from the 'fun' and go out for a stroll. Maybe have some tea. You know; something nice." Ivy replied.

"Bu-but--you don't want to ravage me?" Hilde whimpered, suddenly looking like a kicked puppy. Talim stared, aware that she might be the only sane one in the room. It was a frightening prospect.

"Now now, I never said that," Ivy clucked her tongue, "but I'm human too, you know. As much as I would love spending all day here with you and the tools, I think we should just, you know...take it easy for once."

"No!" Hilde wailed. "No, I need you to hurt me! Go on, do it! I want you to! Whip me, I've been a naughty princess!"

"I said later," Ivy growled, by now quite annoyed.

Talim, meanwhile, was quietly sneaking out through the open door. She prayed to every wind diety she knew that Hilde would distract Ivy long enough...

"Tie me to the bed post! We can play cops and bad biker babes, I've already laid out the officer outfit for you! Oh, oh, or even sexy teacher and naughty student! I'll be the--"

"Hilde," Ivy ground her teeth, "I just wanted a little break."

"Oh," Hilde innocently batted her lashes. "So you're saying you need a break? You? Oh, dear me, I think I've made a mistake."

"What?!"

"I think I'll just go find Siegfried," Hilde sniffed, standing to her feet. "Surely he doesn't need a break--"

Ivy allowed her sword to shift to its whip form, and cracked it against the floor; loudly.

"I've changed my mind," Ivy informed the red-headed Hilde in a frosty voice. "We're going to play dominating alchemist and naughty, naughty princess who needs to be punished."

"Oh, I love that game!" Hilde squealed happily.

--

Meanwhile, outside...

"Freedom!" Talim cried, bounding out of the mansion she'd been trapped in. "Sweet, blessed freedom!" A strong wind blew to her, as if in greeting, and that reminded Talim that she was still in the sexy nightie. She eeped and covered herself with her hands.

"At least this can't get any worse!" she said lightly to herself.

"TALIM!?" Yunseong screamed out in shock.

"JAILBAIT!?" Tira shrieked.

"Oh fuck," Talim grumbled, facepalming. She wasn't going to hear the end of this, not by a long shot.

--

Notes: I would like to thank SephirothBeatrix for introducing me to the delicious idea of IvyxHilde, with Hilde being the bitch and liking it.

ALSO: You'll probably never see Amara and L'eau again, so don't worry, they don't matter much. At all.