Chapter Three: The Butterfly Effect (DAY THREE)
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LAUREN'S POV
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In theory, the flap of a butterfly's wings halfway around the world today may lead to a hurricane weeks from now here.
If one is to believe this then we must accept that even the smallest of our choices, the smallest of our decision can have an impact far greater than ever imagined. We must accept that there is no choice in which does not have some type of repercussion, not only for ourselves, but for others.
Is that what this is?
My steps gradually slow until finally coming to a halt ironically in the middle of the hotel lobby. Here I am standing directly in the middle of the lobby, and apparently I am in the middle of this entire-situation. Heavy eyes focus on gaudy letters 'Ayon Hotel' carved into a wood undoubtedly stolen from some endangered rainforest. The gaudiest, most extravagant and expensive hotel in the country with some of the darkest history. History or not, they never cease to hit ninety-five percent capacity. Then again I went evil for a while and I've never been more popular.
Not sure what that says about people, human and Fae alike as a whole.
If I am to accept this theory, what was it? What decision of mine caused this? What choice set us on this path? Was it one choice or was it one choice that opened up another choice and another after that? What sporting event missed was it? What time was it that I chose work over family that did this? What day was it that I didn't hug her which set us on this path? What did I say to encourage this?
Maybe it was even before this, before she could remember. Was it something I did, or failed to do when she was an infant? Was it when I was pregnant? Maybe it was even before then. Maybe it was sealed when we swore fealty to the Dark. Maybe this path was set the moment me and Bo chose one another.
Maybe it was from the very moment we met.
"My Queen."
The sound of an unfamiliar voice grabs my attention, looking up at the spiral staircase. My eyes narrow trying to get a good look at who this voice belongs to. It's just a child having wandered from his room probably overhearing the commotion. A Queen's Guard member blocking the eager boy trying to steal a glimpse.
"It's fine." I say, walking to the start of the staircase and kneeling down to face him. I hear the Guard's member say something, but I'm not listening. There is something about the innocents in this boy's face, in his baby blue eyes that engulfs my attention. "What are you doing up so late sir?"
"I can't sleep. I can never sleep when my mom is at work."
"And what does your mother do?"
"She is um, she's a, well I'm not sure. But she works for you, something to do with intelligence and maps and puzzles and codes. She was called yesterday morning to come up here, something happened. Something bad I think, right?"
"So who is watching you then?" I ask, moving past his question.
"My sister, she's on the phone with her boyfriend." He makes this adorable 'yucky' face, Sean used to have one of those around his age. "She didn't notice I was gone."
"When she does she's going to worry." He just shrugs and I can't help the chuckle that follows. "A little rebel I see."
"Mm-hm."
"You take pride in that?"
"Of course! Niko is the biggest rebel there is and he helps run your Queen's Guard. I will be a guard one, I promise."
"Will you now?" I smile, looking him over. "You do seem like the type. Strong. Brave. Smart. A rebel." I pretend to think, and the poor boy looks concerned, as if I'm about to tell him he's lacking something, failing some way. I know this look well, Sean and Dani had it quite often-I just didn't recognize it at the time. "Only thing you're missing is something for you to get started with."
"Started with?"
"Mm-hm, every member of the Queen's Guard got started in one area. Tell me, what is it you're good at?"
"Um-?"
"Come on, there must be something you're better at than anyone else."
"Well, I'm good at climbing and jumping and falling."
"Falling?" A soft laugh swallowing my question.
"Oh yeah! I fall all the time and never break anything! I'm like Colossus!"
"X-Men fan?"
"Oh yeah! So much!"
"My Queen." I hear Mila's voice, but I don't look back at her. "Please."
"What is your name sir?"
"Hunter."
"Well Hunter, if you can sneak back to your room without your sister knowing you're gone and promise to not sneak out anymore there will be something waiting for you at the desk."
"Yeah?" He asks through this beaming smile, I can't remember the last time I saw Sean smile at me like that.
"I give you my word, but you need to hurry along now."
"You know," He starts after running up five steps, turning back around to face me. "You're an awesome queen! But you I bet are an even awesomer mom." His nod over enthusiastic as all of his have been, it's impossible not smile at, even if he was wrong. "I know this because I have an AWESOME mom so I'm a good authority on this!" With a thumbs up and another nod he runs up the stairs as fast as his little legs will take him.
It's a shame he's wrong.
"This right now, right here is fuckin' insane." Niko's unmistakable voice pulls my attention now as he storms in from the entrance, water practically pouring off of him. "Got a fuckin' hurricane brewing out there. How the fuck do WE get a hurricane. Explain this shit."
"Why weren't you here earlier?"
"I was rounding up the eldest of the program, pairing them up. We don't even got twenty percent of our city searched yet."
"Is that so?" My eyes finding Skylar who looks down now. "I was under the impression we were much farther along."
"Oh damn." Niko says under his breath, moving next to Bo who I can feel to the left of me. She's standing so close, almost enough to feel the weight of her against my shoulder.
Almost.
We hadn't spoken a word since we left, we hadn't even looked at one another. Now, she stands practically on top of me and I can't tell if it's because of our present company or if it is because it is just natural for us. We fall together like gravity, even when falling apart we're falling together.
My eyes run along the black marble floor, who needs to spend this much on a floor? Idiotic question, I'm sure I've spent more. How tragically hypocritical I've become. Black marble turns to dark gray plastic. Two rows of six to be exact with a thirteenth positioned above them, the head of them all. They must be twenty-eight gallons if I have to estimate, give or take two gallons. Each one should fit a body, if properly-packed.
Skylar and Ty stand on opposite sides of the thirteenth tote, looking at me like children waiting to be scolded. I should scold them, they've both lied and they've both failed. Twenty percent is utterly unacceptable, especially when the threat is this-grave. Kenzi and Mila stand between me and Skylar, I should scold them too. They should have updated me, the chain of command has gone to hell.
"Are we sure this all of them?"
"One for each human leader," Skylar answers, lightly kicking the tote closest to her. "The extra probably for Speaker Agathon."
"Are they aware of the situation?"
"No, our security caught the delivery before it even got past the lobby. They then secured them to their floor as we brought them in." Kenzi meets my gaze, always the fearless one. "Last update no one had tried to leave their rooms, so no one is the wiser."
'I don't need this', that's the only thought running through my mind as the Head of Security comes up and starts to give an update. It is amazing how easily I can tune them all out now. I don't need to listen, that's why I have a team. My eyes dance over their faces, the ones I can see and they seem calm enough.
"Open the thirteenth." They all look at me like deer caught in headlights. "The one without a name." I can't help the way I snap. It's not intended, I'm not trying to be a bitch, but when twelve tubs have been labeled with the names of the human leaders and a single one doesn't-how much common sense does it take?
I need to feed-and soon.
Ty pulls off the lid hesitantly, his eyes narrowing as his nose scrunches up. He mumbles something about it not being for Agathon, shame. My brow raises as he bends down, pulling out a white, card sized envelope covered in blood smears. It isn't the smears though that captures everyone's attention, but a single word written across the front of it, 'Mommy'. Cautiously he takes the few steps toward me, coming just close enough to hand off the letter.
'Don't Lauren, let them handle this'.
Against my better judgement, against the pleading looks they give me I tear it open. Pulling the card from it as the envelope falls to the ground.
'Baby, baby if he hears you as he gallops past the house
Limb from limb he'll tear you just as a pussy tears a mouse'
I never could get you to play with me as a child mother.
Can I get you to now?
Love Always,
YOUR darling daughter
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"It's an old nursery rhyme." I hand the card over to Bo, the group now bunched around us trying to read it.
"What sorta fucked up shit were you reading this kid?" Skylar snorts, stepping back and by the way her voice travels, the comment is directed at Bo.
"We never read this to her, we never read her any nursery rhymes." I lean down, pulling one lid off after another until the four in front of me are all open. "After I explained the dark origins of several of them to Bo, we decided it would be better not to." I sigh my words, eyes running over the contents of the four.
Each one filled with only a single item. A severed head, each resembling who the tote was addressed to. It must have taken a great deal of time to find people resembling their-counterparts. Only it hasn't been a great deal of time, has it. Only hours. Hours and she managed to not only hunt down people resembling the human leaders and kill them, she also somehow managed to find totes, hunt down a nursery rhyme and arrange delivery.
How?
"Well you wanted to know what the Ripper did Bo," Skylar snorts a chuckle, throwing her arm around Bo's shoulders and leaning against her. "This clear enough for ya'?"
In my wife's true fashion she throws her elbow back, hitting Skylar in the ribs causing her to step back. Wasting no time Bo is in her face, and while Skylar's features are still fixed in amusement, Bo's are tense. In another life they would probably be, well not friends, but acquaintances whose competition was healthy and in good fun. In another life they would make an excellent team.
Truth be told years ago a 'young up and comer' was on her way to Tokyo in the same conference Bo was-at. Just by chance I had, had a clearing in my schedule to interview her, and since Kenzi was unexpectedly called away on another matter I was left to do the interview. If the cards would have fallen differently I would bet money that they would have found one another at that conference and been another nameless notch in each other's bedposts.
"Touch me again and the fact that you're my wife's pet won't matter."
"Children." Niko laughs in that boastful way he tends to, but I can hear his heart, he's uneasy. "We got bigger problems than whose metaphorical dick is bigger." He slips in between the two, folding his arms and looking down at the totes. "This may be a stupid ass question, but where the fuck is the rest of these poor bastards?"
"They aren't finished being played with yet." Bo says heavily, looking at me hard enough, long enough that I'm forced to look back at her.
I hate it when she's right.
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S/M's Loft-3:26 a.m.
SEAN'S POV
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'Wake up Sean. Wake the fuck up this is a dream. This is a nightmare. You aren't this demon. Wake up. Wake up. Wake the fuck up.'
My own voice faintly recognizable through my jumbled thoughts, consciousness seemingly too far away to reach. I want so badly to open my eyes, if I open them it's over, but they're clamped shut. I grip at the sheet for dear life, my breath so erratic I'm sure I'll pass back out soon.
Can I pass back out if I'm already asleep-am I asleep?
There's a weight on my stomach, and it's not until I feel the faint weight on my chest from tiny hands that my mind begins to clear.
Mila.
"I thought you'd be gone by now." I find my voice after several seconds, my savior. A small smile pulling at my lips as my hands unclenching the sheet, running up the sides of her thighs. "I'm glad you're not." My eyes finally light enough to open, but I quickly find them fluttering back shut as her lips find mine. "What the fuck?!" on instinct I push her off of me and am on my feet. "What the fuck?!"
"Always knew you had a lil' thing for me bro." Dani laughs as she maneuvers onto her knees, staying on my bed as I walk backward. "Though I must warn you, I favor blondes."
"I'm still asleep. That's what this is."
"Aw, you dream of little ol' me?" She slides off of the bed, smiling from ear to ear. "How pathetically sweet of you."
"Wh-why are you here?"
"Well they let me out on bad behavior, soooooo I figured I'd drop in, see how my beloved big brother is." As she speaks my eyes fall to the night stand. If I'm quick enough I can get to the knife tapped underneath. "Go ahead." The amused tone in her voice pulling my attention back to her, she already knows what I'm looking at. "Sean, go ahead."
"I don't know what you're talking about." I lie, taking several steps forward.
"Come on, don't be a pussy." She stares me down and though my eyes move between her and where the knife is, I don't move.
"I told you, I don't-."
"Bo taught us this Sean, I know you're going for the knife." She sighs after a second, walking over to the nightstand and pulling the knife free herself. "Still the same old Sean aren't we?"
"You need to go."
"I need to go? I need to go? This fuckin' boy." Laughing she looks to her left almost as if someone was there-she really has lost complete touch on reality. "Fine, catch." I catch the knife by the handle.
Her cold laugh fills the loft, my attention still on the knife allowing her to get her arms around my neck. Her forehead hits my chest with a force, but she doesn't say a word. Slowly I begin to feel warmth running down over my hand. And just as I begin to realize what the warmth is she's laughing again, taking steps backwards.
"Was it good for you?" This sickening smirk coming over her lips, her hands running over her stomach as she makes sure to get them bloody before showing them to me. "How does it feel to have blood on your hands again?"
"You haven't changed at all."
"Oh but I have." she reaches up, holding onto the window as she sits the sill. "You know boy, you better strap on a pair because this-is just getting started."
I run to the window, reaching out to grab her but she's already gone. I look down into the darkness, but there's nothing. It's like she's vanished. Pushing back into the room, I look around making sure I'm alone.
"What the fuck was that?" I look around once again, just waiting for something to change-to wake up. But the knife in my blood soaked hand tells me there's no waking up this time.
Not from this.
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Elevator-4:48 a.m.
LAUREN'S POV
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"That I could have ever gone without seeing." She says, rubbing the back of her neck as she leans against the wall with her eyes shut. "Not gonna give at all, huh?" Her one eye opens, taking a peek at me. She thinks I can't see her, her skills of observation have become a little rusty.
"Not even a little."
She smirks at the comment, and for a moment I'm tempted to do the same. Even through a distorted reflection and a day from hell she looks beautiful. Why does she always have to look so beautiful? So much like home? So much like hope?
I feel a faint smile curving my lips as my eyes fall to the ground, a twinge of guilt making itself known. I shouldn't be laughing, well I'm not, but I shouldn't be smiling. If ever there was a time not to smile, it's right now. But this is one of those 'laugh to keep from crying' moments, because the truth is right now I could go for a good cry.
"Sean." Bo says our son's name stopping short causing me to run right into her. That's what I get for not paying attention.
"Mother," He greets us coldly from the couch, or rather he greets me as I step out from behind Bo. "How was your day?'
"It's been long, we've had a-slight incident."
"You don't say."
"Are you okay?" Bo interrupts.
"Dani is out mother."
"I would going to tell you, I promise you. We just ran into another, incident." I try to keep my voice as soft and apologetic as possible despite our son's growing hostility. "Who told you?"
"No one told me, she decided to personally deliver the message to me herself."
"Are you okay?" We ask in a union.
"Am I okay?" He laughs coldly, standing. "Let me tell you, ten years of professional help didn't really help."
"Sean, are you okay?"
"No, I'm not fucking okay."
"Watch your mouth." Bo snaps.
"I'm sorry are you trying to be a parent right now? Is that what's happening right now?" He laughs yet again. "Thanks but no, I don't need advice from a glorified sperm donor-chi donner-what the fuck ever you want to be called." His attention shifting back to his myself. "She molested me! She stabbed herself and then threw herself, gracefully I might add from my window! I'm sorry is this amusing to you?" He snaps, glaring at Bo once again. "This isn't a joke. That's what the loony-tune did."
"Honey, it's just how you said it." I attempt to smooth over the tension, hand coming to rest on his arm.
"What other way can I say it? She climbed on top of me, kissed me, and then stabbed herself before falling out of my window. Where is the humor in this? What is funny about this?" He leans into me, glaring at Bo as if she was the one to do this to him. "What does she want?"
"We don't know."
"It's probably you." He snaps, stepping away from me and into Bo. "Think it's kind of weird you decided to show up and then bam, what do you know, Dani is out running amok."
"You think I came back to help her escape?"
"I don't know Bo, don't know much about you anymore."
"Sean, please." I say softly.
"You don't either mother! Do you? Am I missing something? Because I don't think so. I think she's abandoned you for the past ten years just like me." He turns back to me. "If she was anyone else, you'd be thinking the same damn thing and don't tell me you wouldn't."
"That is enough. You have your issues with Bo, and that is understandable, but do not let them cloud your judgement. Do not let your personal issues lead you into foolish thinking. You are far too smart for that, and I raised you better. Your mom may be a lot of things, but she is not evil and she is not a killer."
"Then it is your judgement that is clouded, or maybe just your memories mother." He snaps, starting to push past us. Had Bo's hand not found my shoulder I would have grab him.
"Well that went better than I was expecting." She says after a minute, the elevator doors coming to a close.
"He is just angry." I move away from her touch. "You can stay on the couch tonight, if you desire."
"It's fine, I don't need pity offers." She snaps, already walking toward the elevator but abruptly stops. I wonder if she heard the plea in my voice or maybe it's something else. "On second thought, maybe I do need pity offers." Turning around, she flashes me a soft smile.
My eyes run over her and for the first time in a long time I'm painfully aware of every choice in front of me. I could stay, attempt to talk. I could invite her to my room, take comfort in her in only the way she can provide. Or I can go back to my room and sleep alone once again.
Does it really matter which choice I make-or will we arrive at the same conclusion regardless?
"Are you alright?" She asks, fighting with the pillows on the couch.
"I'm," I find myself hesitating, what's one more lie? "Fine. Goodnight Bo."
"Night Lauren."
Every step away from her feels like a little more weight on my heart. Every step away from her makes me feel like it's all a little more definitive.
Is this definitive-are we truly coming to an end?
No sooner does my foot touch the bedroom floor do I find myself frozen. Every single sense in my body screaming that something else is here-or at the very least, has been here. I keep still as my eyes search the darkest corners of my room, and then the bathroom the best I can from this angle.
Despite my home being a weigh station for a decent amount of people, those people are a very select few. A small few who never differ with the exception of my wife within the past twenty-four hours. A small few who I know better than myself.
Feeling secure-enough, I start toward the bed and find myself at the night stand. A small folded paper placed ever so delicately next to a lit candle.
'Here comes a candle to light you to bed
Here comes a chopper to chop off your head'
Sweetest of dreams mommy
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Swallowing back the bitter taste filling my mouth, I find myself sitting on the edge of the bed. My eyes focused on every single word, reading every single one over and over again.
I'm not sure if Dani thinks she's truly subtle with her messages or if the hint of fake subtlety is but another piece of her theatrics. Regardless of which answer it is, I know what she is doing, what she is trying to prove. I know what I have to tell them tomorrow, what I have to come clean about. My knowledge of Dani's little game being far more than an educated guesses or profiling. No, my knowledge is far deeper than that.
I know Dani's game because I know her darkness. I know her darkness like it's my own, because a part of it is. It was but a brief moment in time, but a moment in which I allowed myself to slip in my darkness-and her own. This darkness that is a special bone between the two of us. A darkness that allows no mercy, no compassion, no pity and no hope. A darkness that turned love into something twisted and unrecognizable. Obsession replacing attraction. Lust replacing desire. And possession replacing commitment.
No matter how much Bo has slipped before, even with her father-she has never fallen until this level. And that is why she will never truly understand-not my guilt and not the responsibility over my failure.
My eyes close instinctively attempting to trap the threatening of tears, my hand gripping the paper until it crinkles in my hand. So many things in my life have I let go of. So many failures and disappointments. For years I've conditioned myself not to look back, the past can't change. But this, with every ounce of my being I wish I could erase. Every single thing I had done and failed to do. Every word, every action, every inaction. There isn't a single thing that doesn't weigh on me, crushing me.
There are times, not even just in my darkest moment solely that I wish I had died. Not even just when Bo failed to kill me that night, but there had been so many times before when she could have-when she should have. Sometimes even now if I allow myself to dwell I wish it was all over. But wishes mean nothing. Wishes are for fools who still hold some resemblance of innocence.
I have no innocence-and maybe I never did.
Besides, THIS is my punishment. THIS is my own personal hell. Dying is easy and peaceful, far too easy for me. Living on the other hand is a bitch, but then again, it always has been. I'm sure beyond a doubt that I will somehow manage to outlive everyone I care for, and then some. Living is my punishment. To live while watching everyone I care for die. Live while I watch the world slowly crumble away, no matter how many futile attempts I make to stop it. Live to watch horrible tragedy after horrible tragedy unfold while knowing I had a hand in them all, someway or somehow. And now live to witness the destruction that Dani and her temporary playmates will rain down upon us. Each and every death that has happened, that will happen falls upon my shoulders. Every life lost in the irreversible conflicts between the human and the Fae fall upon my shoulders. Every life lost in the battles since I've come to power fall solely on my shoulders.
Bo may be the daughter of Hades, but I am his successor.
Even with all of my knowledge and life experience, I never have come to understand how there is such a difference between the humanity driven half of myself and the other half. On one half I could be entirely introverted. I would take the blame even for things I did not need to, while apologizing for things I never did. More times than not I would shy away from conflict, and when one could not be avoided, I would simply back down. But, on the other half I am anything other than introverted. This half takes pleasure in conflict, enjoys the challenge and refuses to back down. This other half is sexual and unapologetic.
Not that I can ever stomach the contemplation for long, a single question has always remained in the back of my mind. How these two coincided for so long is beyond my comprehension, but the true question is, which is the real me?
There is no denying now that this other half is who Dani is. This wasn't something done to her or something she was tricked into. This wasn't a mistake or failure in judgment, this is who she is.
I gave birth to this.
I didn't abandon her as seems to be the popular misconception. In the beginning I attempted to visit and when I could no longer visit, I observed. Even then I tried to remember every moment of our past. Every birthday party to bedtime story. The more I remembered, the more I attempted to connect the farther away she got. I cannot pinpoint the exact moment, but there has been something off about her for as long as I can remember. I just never admitted it at the time. Then again, what parent wants to see flaws in their child, let alone the flaws which indicate their child is going to turn out to be a mass murderer?
Though at the same time I'm forced to admit I never was around enough to be an expert.
"Lauren, what are you doing?" Bo whispers sleepily from the door way, pulling my attention to her. Her eyes at half mass, shoulder leaning against the doorframe, probably keeping her standing. She looks over me and then to the candle, following her line of sight my eyes find the clock. I've been wallowing in self-pity for hours. "What's that-?" A yawn swallowing up the remainder of her question.
"Our daughter, proving a point."
"What?" As quickly as she can, she makes her way beside me. Leaning against my shoulder she reads over the crinkled paper. "She does have a talent for being morbid, doesn't she?" Gently she pulls the paper from my hand despite the fact that her mind is nowhere near full consciousness.
"That is one way of looking at it."
"There's more than one way?"
"Yes. Our daughter is proving a point."
"Which is?"
"That she can do whatever she likes, whenever she likes and we cannot do a thing about it." A snort escapes me. "She's using nursery rhymes to remind me I wasn't there for her."
"Well you are normally right." She yawns a laugh, eyes running over my face. "This doesn't mean anything Lauren, she's playing games. You can apply whatever fancy, guild riddled logic that brilliant mind of yours can come up with to this, but to me, you know what this says? It says that she is still a child, afraid to face us. She wants to copy and paste from the world's creepiest children's rhymes to complain that you worked too much when she was a kid? Boo-hoo, a lot of parents work too much that doesn't give the child free reign to become a psychopath." She nudges my leg with her own. "To me all this says is that she is the same immature brat dealing with mommy issues at twenty-seven."
"Someone awoke on the wrong side of the couch." It was a subtle attempt at smoothing things between us, at least for the moment. One that seems to fall flat as her features twist from empathy filled concern to annoyance.
"Annnd, my job here is done." Her hands hit her knees, jaw tensing.
"Do you really want to leave?" My question's a near inaudible whisper, but it's enough to stop her. "Do you?"
"What is this Lauren? This afternoon you couldn't get out how shitty I am quick enough and now-now what?"
"Honestly, I don't know." An unmistakable shame to my admittance. "I meant every single word I said, and so many I didn't."
"Wow. Can't wait for that argument."
"For as many faults as I find in you, I find just as many-benefits."
"Be still my heart."
"Bo, you make me weaker than I've ever been before, but you also make me stronger. I hate what you've done to me, yet like a puppy to a master, I cannot wait to be back at your side. You are my drug of choice. I am lost, I seem to always be lost, but you are the only one who has ever been able to find me. I hate you more than anyone I have ever met, but I love you more than I ever knew possible. I love you so much that it is sick, even without my darkness running rampant, it boarders obsession. It has been ten years since you ran away, leaving me alone, but there wasn't a single day where I didn't think of you. Not a single day I didn't long for your touch, your kiss, your embrace. Not a day when I didn't yearn for you. Not a day where I didn't need you like I need air to breathe.
"Lauren-."
"Is that honest enough for you?"
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BO'S POV
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My lips part to say, to say something. Truthfully I don't know what to say. Never has the truth been so hurtful yet so touching. So disturbing and still so flattering. It's true though, I've felt similarly before, even if I had never said it aloud. Honestly though, if I had been the one to say it, I'm sure it would have come out far more hurtful and probably even disturbing. I've never had a problem admitting I have a harmless obsession with my wife, ever since the very first moment we met.
Lauren on the other hand seems to fear it, seems to disown it and that has always made her timid in expressing herself. I want so much to just sit down my stubborn wife and tell her the truth about everything, no holds bar. Once and for all bare my soul completely, dark and light parts alike. Let us for once let the pieces where they all fall.
But the more time that passes, the more my fear grows. This woman before me is different in so many ways, occasionally I find myself wondering if I even know her at all. Is this still the woman who took my hand and told me she trusted me, even when there was no reason to? Is this still the woman who accepted everything about me without hesitation?
How did we find ourselves in this position where I even have to question this?
"Bo?"
She whispers as I start to lean in, hesitation radiating off of both of us, but there is no stopping now. The paper falls from my hand as it comes up to cup her cheek. Our eyes meeting, lips just inches from each other. She leans in the rest of the way, softly brushing her lips against mine.
"I love you." Those three words never sounded so full of pain.
"Not as much as I love you." My words aren't a challenge of any kind or one of those endearing things you say to your lover. No, I believe them beyond a shadow of a doubt.
This isn't the smart thing to do-but then again, when have I ever done the smart thing?
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Unknown Building's Roof-6:46 a.m.
DANI'S POV
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'Not even you have good enough vision
To see into mommy's bedroom from here.'
"Who says that's what I'm looking at?" I snap, of course I can't get a moment's peace. Between him and the needy, talentless hacks at the warehouse I can't even hear the voices in my head anymore.
'I can tell you what's happening if you'd like.'
"I told you I'm not-you know?" My head turning to look at him. I wonder what would happen if I hit him.
'I do. Unlike you, I'm omnipresent.'
"You know, for about five seconds you're intimidating and then you go and say some dumb shit like that."
'You have no sense of humor when it comes
To mommy, do you?'
"What is happening in there?"
'Did you secure your bother would play his part?'
"Answer me."
'Answer me first.'
"Yes, I played insane perfectly. He was scared and honestly I don't think he even understood what happened. I think he may be on something."
'He's not on anything.
Your brother is coming to a crossroads.'
"Lucky him, now answer me."
'Are you sure?
Fine, so be it.
Your precious mommy is about to play the role
She knows so well when it comes to your mother.
Seems you aren't keeping her occupied quite enough.'
"Really hurt your feelings with that comment, huh?"
I laugh, turning my attention back toward the bedroom window, the curtains drawn but I can still see the faint light from my present. She must have liked it. He may be near laughable, but he does make an excellent point.
I'm not doing quite enough-yet.
.
B/L Loft-11:49 a.m.
BO'S POV
.
"Mmm." I let out through a yawn, stretching my arms lazily across the bed. My eyelids shooting open at the feel of a once again empty bed. Wave of panic subsiding as I find Lauren immediately, lazy smile working its way onto my face. "There is definitely no place like home." Sliding from the bed, the sheet coming with me as I come up behind her. "You look beautiful." My hands sliding around her waist, lips ghosting over her bare shoulder.
"Th—thank you."
"You're very," My words trailing as I bite over the previously kissed area. "Very welcome."
"Bo-I should get dressed."
"But why?" Playfully pouting as I gently guide her around to face me. "I know we have a LOT of stuff and issues, believe me I get it." Smile in place as I pull the shirt from her hand, and throw it behind myself back toward the bed. "Can't we just stay like this for a little bit? Pweeeeesssee?"
"Bo," She repeats my name, avoiding my gaze. "I think that-I think-."
"No." My head shaking as I suddenly begin realizing what the hesitation coming from her really is. Realizing why I woke to an empty bed yet again. "Don't do this. Lauren, just please don't do this."
"Bo," Her hand cups my wrists, my own hands griping her hips. "I am so-."
"Don't," I lean in, lips lightly grazing hers. "Don't speak," and again. "Please just don't do this."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, you're sorry."
"Bo-."
"Stop! Stop saying my name." I take a step back, eyes falling on Lauren's wedding ring. This being the first real time since I arrived that I noticed her waring it not just in public, but at this moment, it seems to mean less than nothing. "Tell me Lauren, does that have meaning anymore or," Reaching out, my index finger sliding underneath the crucifix, studying it for a moment. "Is it just another accessory in this game you're playing?" Pulling my hand away, I look her over. "Is it another one of Kenz's helpful tips? You can't divorce me and the whole world knows you're married so better to just keep it on?"
"Stop."
"Really completes the whole abandoned spouse role you've been playing. Tell me though, how do you get away with playing with Chocolate Tarzan and Steroid Xena?"
"Still as petulant as ever." She snaps back, grabbing her shirt off the bed as I quickly find my own thrown about clothes.
"Seriously though, what is this? Was this some type of payback? Screw me and leave me-oh wait, let's do it twice just for good measure. That way you can run back to your friends and tell them how I fell for it not once BUT twice?"
"Bo, there isn't a single person who EVER HAD to trick you into bed. You have always just fell there, spread your legs and waited for whatever happened to breeze by."
"Is that so?"
"Yes."
"Is that so?!"
"Yes."
"Funny since," I'm forced to a pause having to pull my shirt back off, realizing I put it on inside out. "I remember our first time being on some untruthful terms. And I'm no genius as you make sure to remind me, but if my high school educated self remembers correctly, to earn something on untruthful terms is tricking. Tricking is the act of-a trick."
"You want to bring that up, really? Okay, well if we're going to be technical then yes my motives of wanting to keep you safe were kept hidden at the time of the act, so I guess yes, one way to look at it would be to say I tricked you. But let's be honest here Bo, I didn't need to do anything to get you to swoop me off to your bed. Oh and by the way, excellent technique of dumbing down the definition of tricking."
"Thank you, and may I complement your technique of creating the world's longest and most boring explanations."
"There was a time when you enjoyed my long explanations."
"And there was a time when you had a heart." I stop myself, realizing I had taken a step too far.
"So around the same time you remembered how to keep your legs shut." She throws her brush down on her dresser, turning to face me.
"We all have our crosses to bare Lauren, the loss of my fidelity-your sanity. I went on a whoring spree, you went on a killing spree. But hey, who is keeping track right?"
"Get. Out. Of. My. House. Now."
"Gladly." I pull the door open so hard it flies out of my hand hitting the dresser with a loud thud. I'm pretty sure the door cracked or maybe the dresser. Hell, hopefully both, let her pay for it. Unable to stop myself I spin around so fast I almost fall into the wall. "You know what your royal highness, you're absolutely right! I make you weak but you-you make me pathetic!"
"I make you pathetic?" She almost sounds amused, walking up several steps toward me.
"I am a succubus! A chosen one! A fighter! I am a motherfucking badass! And you-you have turned me into some-some-."
"Bo, there-."
"No! Shut up! You got to make your whole, 'you make me weak' speech. Now it's my turn to tell you how I feel! You've turned me into some pet. I get around you and I automatically put you ahead of everything! I bend and bend and bend and bend over and over again but you're never happy! You're never happy until I break, and God help me I do. I break for you over and over until I don't think I can break anymore. And I do this all with a smile. I see how things will turn out, but if it pleases you then it doesn't matter. I would go to hell and back for you-and I have!"
"Bo." She adds that sternness to her voice like I'm a child, her hand reaching out as she takes a step forward.
"I have saved the world dammit! More than once! I have taken down some serious shit. Some of the worst this messed up excuse for a world has to offer, but for you? I fall to my knees like a pussy-whipped school girl who knows no better. I am a masochist and you are MY drug of choice. And for as much of your big, bolstering talk, you're never shy of supplying me."
"Are you done?"
"I am not a puppy anymore! I am not some tiny, fluffy puppy Lauren, I am a damn Rottweiler!"
Spinning right back around with every intention of making my dramatic exit. Of making it to the elevator in record timing. All I needed to do was make it to the privacy of the elevator and I could let out my tears of anger-of hurt out. But as the way my week is going, I'm stared down by a wall of onlookers. Ty, Skylar and Kenz all standing in a row by the windows, eyes glued to me. Each with a near rage filled expression, I'm sure for their very own special reasons.
"Fuck." I let out under my breath, hand running through my already messy hair. "You know what, screw it. Kenz you've seen me at my worst and sadly this little fiasco is not even close. And you two? I could give a shit about it." Turning back to face my wife who is giving me this embarrassed, 'I tried to tell you' looks. "Who is it? Which one of them?"
"Let this go Bo."
"Come on, one of them is why you're so conflicted isn't it? I know you Lauren." I walk into the living room closer to the three and I can hear her following behind me. "Mr. Clean? Combat-boots Barbie?"
"As much as I find your little meltdown pleasing for so many reasons, playtime is over. The adults here have work to do." Skylar shoves her forearm into my chest, slamming me into the corner of the wall. She under estimates my strength far too much. Though it seems both of us underestimate Lauren who seemingly appears out of nowhere in between us, a hand on both of our shoulders.
"This is our business." She snaps, staring me down before turning to that cocky bitch smirking at me. Let's see if she's so cocky when Lauren isn't around. "And you, touch my wife again and you will find yourself right back where I found you."
Well, that was unexpected.
.
Sanctorum-3:15 p.m.
LAUREN'S POV
.
Trying desperately to purge the past sixty some hours from my mind I push through the doors. Normally whenever I heard or even thought of the name of this place I would laugh to myself, my own little joke. The name itself is completely ironic, if we were naming it to truly reflect its meaning it should have been 'Pit of Death' or more unoriginally, 'The Gladiator Pit'. Then again, Sanctorum had a sophisticated sound with a dash of unity.
What a joke.
Coming to my desk, my hands on the top as I lean against it, the thought of sitting near repulsive at the moment. I'm far too hurt, too hungry, too angry, and too on edge. I am jumbled mess of emotions who has no business being here in this condition. Ty stands to my right while Logan and Mila stand to my left, equally as tense as myself.
This meeting unlike most is missing a number of human leaders-I guess she couldn't rile up all of the hounds yet.
My eyes fall to the desk as I let out a sigh, Connor Agathon making his presence known, as always. His title may read Speaker of the House, but there is an unspoken truth that he is the true Vice President. From the darkest corner of the room he emerges with his usual 'shit-don't-stink' swagger that never seems to falter. Most tread lightly in here when the tension has reached a tipping point, but not him. He acts as though he owns this room and not a single person could touch him. Would it not physically hurt me, I would agree with most of the female population, he was attractive in the asshole type of way. Unlike the rest of us who adhere to normal standards, he chooses gym-shoes and a v-neck to go with his dress pants and jacket. His hair spiked and shiny, with a perfectly manicured five o'clock shadow adding the final touches to his "F' You' look.
Personally to me he looks as though he should be trying to pick up jail-bait at college parties rather than attempting to run my politics along with President Pitbull, but that's my own opinion. Shifting my attention from one pain in my ass, my eyes move over the room taking attendance. Two from America, and one apiece from England, China and Russia.
"Only four? Have you decided this council only needs to consist of those who agree with you?"
"Not everyone shared our concerns quite yet, Queen." Connor speaks, the subtle Irish accent of his only seems to add to his smugness. "I myself told Madam President that if there was some issue occurring, then you would of course follow the guidelines and inform us."
"And they say the American education system is failing."
"Meaning what exactly?" President Montgomery stands.
"I'm corrected, its successes appear to be on a student to student basis." My tongue pressing against the point of my tooth to keep from smirking, as Agathon turns his head away from his superior unable to hide his own smirk.
"If there is something going on, then you are required to tell us."
"Speaking of these guidelines Madam President, you do remember it requires all of the members of council to validate it, correct?"
"We do." He speaks for her.
"Then we all can acknowledge that this meeting holds no real value, and since it holds no real value it will hold no consequence either. And since there is no consequence, let us skip the pleasantries."
"Agreed."
"Then ask me what you came here to ask me, I have more important matters that need to be attended to."
"And those would be?"
"My personal life is of no concern to you, unless you would like to discuss how your divorce is proceeding, and your son's rehab. This is his, fourth time in now?"
"It is proceeding rather well thank you, and my son's completion date is next month. How is your daughter, still in the comforts of her padded cell? Or has the rapid shock treatments finally caused her to break through her plateau?" President Montgomery's smirk only grows as she earns a reaction from us. "Sweetheart, you don't get to where I am today without being able to take a few low blows. I've had them delivered by heavy weights and you are still a welterweight. It's come to my attention you've quarantined the asylum and had the hotel on lock down for several hours last night."
"Point being?"
"Point being, we'd like to know why."
"And people in hell would like ice water, but you don't see that happening, do you?" Eyes shifting back down to the table, needing a moment to remind myself of the repercussions if I push too far. Unofficial or not, I am still the Queen and she still the President of at times seemingly the entire human race. "But since you've asked so nicely, it was for your safety. There was no issue, I have them sweep the hotel every night you were there. Miss. T'soni has recently done some movement within the security aspects of things. It appears as though the recipient of the promotion is a bit overzealous. I wholeheartedly apologize for any inconvenience."
"And the asylum?"
"The asylum is not your concern, it is on our grounds and will remain in our supervision. But rest assure, you are safe."
"And the rumor of the disturbance there?" She pushes again.
"A disturbance?" I force a chuckle, looking to Ty and then to Logan and Mila before back to her. "Pure fabrication."
"And if I and Madam President wanted to-?"
"Visit?" My eyebrow raises at him, I knew he couldn't have been this docile. "Not a problem, although I am growing tired of the constant implication that I am a liar."
Dani won't need to kill me herself, at this rate the stress will.
.
S/M Loft-5:33 p.m.
BO'S POV
.
"You." Is all he snarls, staring me down as he refuses to open the door any more.
"Are you going to make me stand out here all night or what?"
"Sure." His glare never wavering as he waves a step back, waving me in. "Welcome."
"You are your mother's son. Same death glare, same passive aggressive politeness and everything."
"They say you take after the parent you spend the most time with, and well, you've been MIA for ten years."
I choose to ignore his comment, eyes dancing over every inch of his loft. Never did I imagine him living on his own, he was just a boy yesterday. A boy who couldn't stand being away from home for more than a night, and now here he is all on his own.
It's not what I would have ever pictured for him, it's not-fancy. It's maybe half the size of our home, and by the look of it I wouldn't call it anything other than a studio. At the far right corner of the room his bed, nightstand and a few feet over the window that was now taped up with plastic and duct tape. Then nothing for a thirty or so feet where a table was opposite his island kitchen. Looking behind myself in the corner opposite the bed a worn heavy bag and some mats on the floor. And a good enough distance between the door and the bag an overly large television fastened into the wall. In some ways it reminds me of me and Kenz's first place. Though that wasn't for decor it just really was a shithole, this on the other hand looks intentional.
"I figured by now they would have gotten you a new window, hell with the way they kiss ass around here now, a whole new wall."
"In order to get that I would have needed to report it, and I didn't."
"You'll catch a cold, it's starting to get colder now."
"Is it? Gee thanks! It's not like I've lived here for the past twenty-eight years or anything." He barks at me, wandering away toward the kitchen, coming back a few seconds later with a beer in each hand. "Breakfast of champions."
"It's almost dinner." I take the offered beer, eyes running over him as he does the same to me. The way he speaks, his tone, how he stands, all the way down to his look puts me on edge. Had he been anyone other than my son I would expect a fight.
"Same shit." He takes a gulp. "Didn't you and Aunt Kenz drink once for seventy-two hours straight?" And another. "When mother left you-the first time."
"So you two drink more now, swear more, anything else you two do?"
"I was eighteen when you left, twenty-eight now. What did you think, time would stop-or were you expecting me to become a priest?"
"I can't tell who does the confrontational jabs better, you or your mother." This time it's me who takes a gulp big enough to down half the bottle. Suddenly it feels like I'm not drinking fast enough for this day.
"When you have a wife-or a mother who just up and abandons you one day, it tends to make you slightly confrontational. But then again you wouldn't know since you weren't the one abandoned."
"You're her son Sean, not her personal attack dog."
"There a difference?" He smirks behind the rim of his freshly empty bottle.
"Look, I get it. I understand your loyalty to Lauren and I understand being upset. I've made mistakes, there's no denying that, but I did try to stay in contact with you."
"You are my mother, there should be no try in that sentence." He slams the bottle down so hard I'm surprised it doesn't shatter. "You didn't love mother anymore, didn't wanna be with her anymore? Cool. You needed a week to just chill and get your mind right? Cool. You needed to whore around for a week to stick it to mother for hurting you? Cool. You know what's not cool? Running away like a little bitch. You were supposed to be some big hero? Pfft. Yeah fuckin' right. You ran so fast the Flash was impressed. What wasn't cool? Telling likes like they were going outta style before vanishing all together."
"That wasn't-."
"I know, I know. You sent your wife an e-mail once asking for some free shit. You sent your so-called sister an e-mail asking her to stop sending people to bring you home. And me, your son? Well lucky me, I got a couple cards on my birthday. Gee, thanks. The only one who had it worse was Dani who you altogether forgot existed."
"I didn't forget she existed."
"No? Well then damn, you're an even bigger bitch than I thought."
"Watch-." I stop myself, taking a breath to remember he's my son. "This was never about not loving you or your mother, or even about not wanting to be with her. There were things that happened that you can't know. Things that were between us even before what happened. I just needed some time."
"You needed time? Excuse me, I didn't realize the world revolved around you." He snorts at me. "Dani was thrown in a damn asylum, for a while we thought we were gonna have to put mother in there too. The Fae relations were falling down around us, we faced coups. The human relations? Shit, near nonexistent. Kenz was falling apart. Me? Well I had my own issues. But YOU needed some space. YOU somehow had it worse than anyone. You needed your space and that's what mattered."
"I know you can't understand this right now, but I had my reasons and they felt right at the time."
"Look, it's great to have you back and all, if you're even really back-."
"I am."
"Riiiight. Well I got some shit to do, then check on YOUR wife to make sure she's okay since her couple-monkey's-short-of-a-barrel daughter is out running around."
"Of course." I nod in defeat, handing him my bottle which he is quick to rip away from my hold. Getting to the door, holding it open halfway I turn back to face him fighting back the feeling of tears. "You've become a man while I was gone. An angry one, but a good one."
"How the fuck would you know what kinda man I am mom?"
His words deliver a final blow, a crushing weight spreading through my chest. I don't know what I expected, if anyone had a right to be mad it was him. Beyond being my son, I can't really fight him on anything he said because honestly, he didn't lie once.
"Thank you for taking care of what I should have."
My voice breaks ever so slightly as I cling to the possibility that he may not have heard it. Stepping into the hall I quickly pull the door shut behind myself, hand coming up to wipe the stray tear from my cheek.
What was I thinking coming back?
.
JASPER PARK-8:19 p.m.
LAUREN'S POV
.
"What are you doing?" I nearly yell before a single foot touches the sidewalk.
Stepping fully out of the SUV fists clenching on reflex in anger as my eyes run over the equally as infuriating as it is baffling sight in front of me. Truthfully I can't actually remember the last time I was this infuriated, at least when it wasn't pertaining to a personal issue-including my wife.
No, Bo hasn't even fully stepped out of the front seat yet while Kenzi is still scooting out of the back behind me. It's not even Sky and Ty as they pull up right behind us in his Jag. No, for once my anger isn't stemming from my always over the top, complicated-is-an-understatement personal life. In this moment, I truly wish that I was infuriated with one of them and their endless shenanigans.
No, this time I find myself staring at the absolutely dumbest display my 'staff' has ever done.
To my right are five photographers, three detectives, three uniformed officers, and two crime scene cleaners. To my left another four detectives, two uniformed officers, six crime scene cleaners and one extra photographer for good measure. Then randomly thrown in are five other people who I have no clue what they're doing here or their role. Swallowing back another wave of anger I look up at what has everyone's attention captured. There, hanging from the high branches of several trees are naked bodies, each having been horribly mutilated. The missing bodies most likely belonging to the heads from the hotel.
At least I hope they are.
"What are you doing?" I repeat myself, this time adding enough base as well as volume to earn their undivided attention. "What are they doing?" I turn to Skylar who looks just as scared at my captive audience. "Don't just stand there, take them down. Now!"
"My Queen, if we take them down now we'll lose any evidence." The nearest male detective manages to get out.
"Evidence? Are you completely incompetent? We know who did this! Do you think they left a note saying where they were going? This is a residential street and a highly popular park I might add! You're leaving bodies hanging here for the whole world to see? I don't need this."
"No-no-you heard her, get them down-down now get them down-move." Several of them begin talking over one another, fumbling about.
"What is this?" I snap, turning back to Skylar who for the first time in a long time looks lost. "Your job is to handle issues, whatever they may be! Is this how you're training your people? You're the damn Head of Defense! What does the mean? You handle, train and clean up any and all issues involving ANYTHING to do with matters of what?"
"Defense."
"Correct. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I made the wrong choice in promoting you over Logan. Perhaps all you can handle is being a common bodyguard who trains other common bodyguards. Perhaps Niko is in need of a promotion."
"No, my Queen it was not a mistake."
"Then why does it look like one right now? President Montgomery and her little, Irish attack dog have already caught a scent."
"They won't find out about this."
"How? You have a damn three ring circus standing out here right now, taking pictures and staring at this display like it's the damn Mona Lisa."
"I'll take care of this."
"How? How will you take care of this?"
"I'll try to reach Logan again to get some extra help. We'll call in reinforcements, get ahead of the press." Kenzi interjects.
.
BO'S POV
.
The sound of a branch breaking steals my attention, three men trying to catch the body, but failing miserably. This really wasn't the best I've seen her team, but for once I don't think this is technically Skylar's fault.
Did I really just defend her-thank God it wasn't aloud.
My attention shifts back to Lauren who I'm surprised hasn't taken off someone's head yet. Kenz is trying to step in, mumbling things I don't even understand anymore. She really has changed so much. I look back at the car, going to grab my phone from the cup holder but find myself freezing. My whole body is forced still, this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. A fire in my lungs and a disgusting taste in my mouth.
"Do you feel that?" I whisper into Lauren's ear, hand on her shoulder as I lean against her back.
"Bo, what are you doing?"
"Do you feel that?"
"Excuse me, we're kinda in the middle of something. You mind tryn'a cop a feel later?" Skylar barks.
"No, it's Dani. She's here." Lauren says softly, leaning back slightly against me as she looks over our surroundings. "I don't see her."
"She wouldn't be in the park, she doesn't know it."
"We brought her here."
"What, when she was five? You really think she'll remember well enough to disappear if spotted?"
"Point taken."
"I think I got her." Skylar says as she starts to look over her shoulder toward the alley cutting between two large apartment complexes. Both me and Lauren in union tell her not to, but it's too late. She's already taking off like the pain in the ass she is. And of course Ty is right behind her. Son of a bitch these two are on my last nerve.
"I got them. Stay here." I order, already feeling Lauren starting to move.
Despite a good five second head start I manage to catch up with the duo, running after Dani. It's moments like these I wish we opted for spanking. We manage to keep her in sight for four blocks running through the night's thinning crowds. But one left turn and suddenly she's a block ahead of us.
"What she wearing, nitro sneakers?" Skylar gripes as we get slowed by a group coming out of a bar.
I can see Dani stop, looking back at us waiting for the crowd to move, too many of them to push. It doesn't take but a couple seconds for them to pass but staring her down, even in the distance time seems to slow. I can't make out her features from this far, not clearly but I feel my body go cold.
Its not the crowd coming to an end that brings me back to reality, but the glimpse of Skylar running past me that causes me to react. We must run another five blocks, gaining on her but one more sharp turn down a narrow alley and we're alone. A single shadow like figure kicking up the side of the wall, leaping to a fire escape and then up to the ledge of the roof before pulling herself up.
"Lauren forgot to mention this bitch is like a demonic spiderman."
"What did you say?" My words slightly breathless, hands on my knees.
"Chill out wheezy, just a comment."
"I tell you what, I'll chill out when you learn to do your damn job."
"What's that mean?"
"Means for a second there I was actually thinking Lauren went too hard on you." Managing to stand back up straight, lungs not burning quite as bad anymore as I take two steps toward her. "Means if you were half as competent as you seem to think you are, then you wouldn't have just blown our chance."
"Your daughter is the one taking a swim in the deep end of Coo-Coo River, and left her fruity loop floatys at home. She would have bolted the second anyone of us moved. At least I tried to do something."
"Say something else," I challenge her, hitting her shoulders with my palms of my hands just hard enough for her to take a step back. "Say something else about my daughter.
"Yeah, there you are." She steps into me, her face just inches from mine now.
"Here I am?" I snort.
"Yeah, the real you. I don't know what it is about you that makes Lauren go gooey eyed, but she just ain't seeing there is something seriously off about you."
"Enough, our Queen is calling." Ty speaks, but neither of us look from one another.
"I see it. He sees it. Kenzi sees it. Hell, everyone can see something is off about you Bo. It's awful funny how you appear and then suddenly your homicidal brat is running free."
"You do remember she is your beloved Queen's homicidal brat too, right?"
"Get out of my face little girl."
"Little girl?" I laugh.
"That's enough!" It's not Ty's yell that grabs my, well our attention, but the fact that we're no longer staring each other down from inches, but rather feet now. Ty having shoved us back, both falling right to the ground. "The Queen is calling."
The two of us stare each other down for another second before moving to stand and inevitably following him. I'm pretty sure if we didn't he would have thrown us both over his shoulders and carried us back if he needed to. For a King he sure as hell jumped at Lauren's orders. Was he normally this obedient? Was it something only with Lauren? Is he the one? Then again I never heard Lauren talk about men, I think I can count on one hand the amount of times she's even acknowledged a man was attractive.
I look over at Skylar, if ever someone had a resting 'bitch-face'. A quiet chuckle escaping myself as we reach the halfway mark. If I didn't hate her so much I'd apologize. This isn't her fault, it's not anyone's other than mine and Lauren's.
Upon reaching the park, the crowd is almost completely gone. Damn, my wife snaps her fingers and they all jump. I shake my head at myself the slight bitterness to my words irking even myself. Kenz is standing there, undoubtedly waiting for us with that impatient look she's known to get. Hell, maybe Kenz could have a crack at Dani with this current personality change.
"Logan still hasn't answered."
"That unusual?" I ask, fully aware I wasn't who she was speaking to, can't ignore me forever.
"I'll handle it." Ty nearly cuts himself off with the slam of his car door.
I slide into the car, the painfully awkward silence already near intolerable. I had forgotten this is what my 'real' life could be like. Awkward silences and painful glances. Life for so long has been easy and carefree. Glances weren't painful, they weren't even meaningful. Silence wasn't awkward, it was just silence. Tension was easily defused and there were no histories. I think that above everything else is what I liked, hell I'll go as far as to use the word love. I loved having no history with anyone. I loved being able to reinvent myself ten times a day if I wanted to. I loved not being reminded of my failures every single day.
Shifting uncomfortably, the 'too-soft-to-make-out' words coming from the backseat beginning to irk me. Glancing over at the driver, for a second thinking about trying to talk about-something with him, but his bulldog face tells me not to even bother. Shifting just a little more until I can get a decent look into the backseat, Lauren and Kenz now sitting in silence, but it wasn't like the silence I'm sitting in. No, their silence is relaxed and they occasionally share a glance between each other. Me on the other hand feel like the most unpopular kid in school who just sat down at the cheerleaders' table. If they could, they'd probably prefer I ran alongside the car.
Since when did they start sharing opinions?
I shift just a little more giving me a slightly better view of my wife. She's so still, so statuesque with one hand in her lap and the other one the seat beside herself. Her eyes are on the back of my seat, but she isn't here, her mind is somewhere far, far away now. This indescribable pain written into every feature on her face, swallowing the warmth in her eyes. It was there ever since she got home from the asylum, and now since leaving the crime scene it's only gotten worse.
Unable to stop myself, I let out a soft chuckle at the term. Sure, way back when I was playing P.I. and running around with Hale and Dyson, the term was fitting then. In passing through the years it was fitting to hear it in reports or mumbled from the guards. Then, these past ten years I don't think I've heard it once, haven't even thought about it. But now, suddenly I find it popping up everywhere. In some ways it brings back a nostalgic feel, like as horrible as this is, it feels sorta natural. And in other ways, its laughable. Here we are running around playing detective again? A Queen, a press something and me.
Whatever the hell I am anymore.
Lauren is no longer a doctor slash coroner slash scientist slash surprising badass, she's a Queen. Her drama should be limited to paperwork and debates and decor. Kenz is no longer my badass, spunky, human partner in crime. No, she's grown into a woman with some important job, the kind I thought she would laugh at. And me? Well I haven't really been around Fae in years, not real Fae. I've been in party land with rich and eccentric Fae who can't even count as Fae other than as a statistic.
This right now doesn't feel normal anymore, I know it should, I lived this life a lot longer than anything else but it feels foreign in so many ways.
Maybe because I don't want this.
Maybe I expect too much-want too much.
A slight movement catches my attention, bringing me back from my thoughts. Kenz's hand lightly comes to rest atop of Lauren's earning a soft smile. And just as quickly as it happened, it was over. Kenz was back to looking at her phone and Lauren had slipped right back into her thoughts.
This ridiculous, slight twinge of jealousy gnawing at me. I scoff at myself, sitting up straight as we pull up to the main complex. I may not have grown as much as I thought, but allowing myself to entertain the thought of Kenz and Lauren is something even the very, very, very-very immature me wouldn't do.
It just seems like their relationship is stronger than ever, and ours is circling the drain.
'Well it has been ten years Bo', dammit, now I'm doing that.
The walk down the hall is excruciatingly long, and awkward, lets not forget awkward. Should have been the word of the day. Neither of them say a word, not to me and not to one another, it's as if they suddenly forgot how to speak and had I not already embarrassed myself enough for today and had a few good stomps to my heart I would have tried to talk, but right now-I just need sleep. I get off where I'm 'supposed' to and that's the only time they look at me, as if I've grown another head.
I guess they expected me to have more fight. I don't blame them, I expected me to have more fight too.
Walking into my temporarily designated space as I like to think of it, I toss my keys on the stand next to the door before taking it in. It's about the size of Sean's rather than Lauren's or even Kenz's, but that isn't what bothers me. It's not the size or even the décor that I wasn't even asked about. It's not even the fact that I need a temporarily designated home like a misbehaved child.
Fight or no fight left in me for today, it's my home I want to be angrily stomping around in. It's my bed-or couch that I want to be angrily sleeping in. I want to be back in my home-in my life, and this loft which is perfectly nice is just another reminder that I'm not even close to getting that.
Walking into the kitchen, glancing around before I dare to look in the fridge. A smartass comment lost as a sad smile pulls at my lips, seeing a six-pack of my favorite wine coolers and two of my favorite beer. On the second shelf an assortment of gourmet sandwiches from my favorite place. The best case scenario is that Lauren actually took the time to do this or at least get someone to do it. Worst case it was Kenz, which I wouldn't necessarily mind since we seem to be just as distant as me and Lauren. Grabbing myself a six pack of beer, I wander back to the couch, making myself comfortable for a long night of sulking.
Don't get me wrong, I understand what everyone's problem with me is. I understand them being mad, feeling betrayed and even like I was selfish. I can even agree, to a point, but what I can't understand is their unwavering lack of forgiveness. This is my wife, my son and my best friend. Am I really all that wrong to think that they should at least want to try to work things out-or even maybe retract the claws a little?
I can't lie, a huge part of why I left was for myself. An even bigger part of what I did while I was away was for myself. But it wasn't just about me when I walked away, a part of it was for them. For Lauren. I knew all too well I wasn't who I needed to be any more for them, for her. I knew all too well I had let the darkness in just as much as everyone else had. I had looked into that mirror and saw something I didn't recognize anymore. Something that scared me more than anything before. I woke up and found out I wasn't the hero everyone thought I was.
Had Lauren not have caught herself, things would be very different right now. We would still be a family, but something dark and twisted and vile, tearing the world apart kind of family. I wouldn't say this aloud to even myself now, let alone anyone else, but in that moment I wasn't just ready to give in, I wanted to. In anger I can call Lauren weak until I'm blue in the face, but at the end of the day, I was just as weak. No, I was weaker. I knew I needed to be there for them, for myself, but I couldn't.
There are a million ways to look at what happened. A million different angles and no one has all the pieces, but there are some facts that can't be argued. I was ready to give in and Lauren through everything found the strength to hold onto herself. Had I not in that very second realized there was still some part of MY Lauren still alive, it would have all ended right then and there.
I know, underneath it all I have no REAL right to be angry with Lauren, at least for finding someone else. After all she is a succubus too, she needs to feed. If it was just feeding, I think I'd be okay, even if it was with the dumbass twins. It would mean it was just to survive while I was gone. But no, Lauren-MY wife has apparently found someone to replace me. Someone else to make her smile, make her feel safe. She found someone to replace me and that is what I can't handle. I may have had more one nightstands than I care to admit suddenly, but I never committed to anyone. Never did I give someone my heart or let someone call me theirs. Never had I betrayed Lauren this way.
Sure, Lauren is still denying it or rather just avoiding it, but I KNOW. I know by the way things are, how she responded to certain things. How there is always this hint of guilt behind her eyes in every fight. How she flinched at every touch, when she hadn't already given into me. I may not KNOW this new Lauren with her new personality, but at the end of the day Lauren is still Lauren. The fundamentals that make her, her will always remain the same.
I believed with everything inside of myself that we're meant to be. That all of this is just a passing phase and one day we'll be okay again. That one day we'll find out way back together, the way we always do. I believed in all of those sweet words and promises we've made to each other over the years. In all of those memories that I keep so close to my heart. Those words, those memories, those promises are what gave me hope to keep going through the darkest of times. They helped me keep ahold of who I am, who I want to be. I believed it all like a child believes in fairy tales. I believed that even with all the darkness surrounding us, and at times consuming us, we would win.
I believed our love was strong enough to last.
That's not fair, I know Lauren loves me and I sure as hell know I love her-so maybe there is still hope. Love isn't our problem, it never has been. Maybe it's our bond that isn't strong enough. Or maybe it our faith in each other, in ourselves that isn't strong enough. Maybe all those rules and laws so long ago were right, maybe we were never meant to be. Maybe just because Lauren became Fae, or the Fae within her awoke or whatever the proper way of saying that is, didn't mean it was enough to fix us. Maybe we are just one of those heartbreaking couples who could never find a way to be together despite a pure love.
No, I refuse to believe that.
Believe or not, these thoughts hang over me like my own personal cloud. Despite all of the bumps, despite the pain and the hurt and the words, I know she loves me still. I can see it, hear it, feel it in her touches, her kisses, the way her body responds to me.
I refuse to believe this is the end for us.
Taking a final swig of my third beer, I set it down as I stand a little too fast for my own good. If I wanted to I could sit here obsessing over Lauren all night. Replaying our failures, our ups and downs, and our memories on repeat. I could go play by play through every word and action of Ty and Skylar, trying to figure out who it is replacing me.
BUT, I made a promise to Lauren. I promised to be here no matter what. I had promised myself that I wouldn't be an immature, selfish little girl like I was ten years ago. I really do believe I changed, that I had grown, and I can't throw all of that away.
Besides, this-situation is bigger than me or Lauren or even our family.
Stumbling over to the bed, I pull the cover down as I fall onto the mattress. All I want is sleep. But there is this folded paper resting on my pillow. Suddenly I'm very awake and very sober. I pick it up hesitantly, mind running wild with what sick game Dani would be playing now.
'I married a wife on Sunday
She began to scold on Monday
Bad she was on Tuesday
Middling was she on Wednesday
Worse she was on Thursday
Dead she was on Friday
Glad was I on Saturday
To bury my wife on Sunday'
Always a step behind Bo,
yet another failing of yours
that mother will have to pay for.
.
Running my hand through my hair, eyes moving over the words over and over again. Sighing to myself as I get this strangely familiar pain in my heart, yet a sense of clarity. It's funny how sometimes even the darkest realizations can bring you a sense of calm.
There's a single realization now, one that I've had once before, I would have to kill Dani. I would have to kill her before she killed Lauren. I should have killed her years ago, when everything happened, when it was the perfect opportunity. It would have been the right thing to do, but I couldn't. When I heard of what happened, looking over those folders I knew it was possibility, I even said it to myself several times, but I this was the first second when I truly realized it. Truly felt the impact of choosing between my wife and my-daughter. I think parents normally choose their child, even when their child is wrong, but I didn't even hesitate.
What does that say about me?