CHAPTER 4
A.N: I just want to state that not everything about Tori's depression will be completely accurate, and if there's someone who is or knows someone who is going through it, please don't get offended, I'm not trying to make light of what you go through, I know it is a serious issue and I'm just trying to shed some light with the information I have. With that said, suggestions and information on this topic are very welcome.
Secondly, I'm so grateful for all the reviews, follows and favorites, it means a lot. As promised this chapter is going to be in Tori's POV, as we try to shed some light on Tori's mind.
Also, I know I said this in the previous chapter but I had lost my notes, and to be honest I had forgotten what the story was about, I mean I remember the general outline and plot but some things that I would have added had I not lost my notes might be differ from what I have put in now, so forgive me if it seems kinda different, I'll make sure it's consistent from now on, I saved my notes on my cloud.
This story is not beta'd, so all mistakes are mine, and please do try and read around them.
Oh, and I own nothing but my imagination.
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Tori POV
I looked at my bedside alarm clock again, and it read 2:45AM, damn, I've been awake since 9PM. I give up on sleep, get up from bed and switch on my bedside lamp. Might as well get started on some homework, speaking of homework, how the hell am I going to face my friends tomorrow, well today, after what happened yesterday. I know that they will start asking questions.
I feel like I had been slipping lately in trying to keep my happy façade, Andre especially has given me at least one or two weird looks, and if he didn't suspect anything then, he definitely does now, and so will the others. I don't think I can shrug off hours of crying after a mere stumble, they are not stupid, well some of them. I know for sure that Jade doesn't care, so I only need to convince Andre and Beck, Robbie I can ignore.
Speaking of Jade, this is all her fault, I had been doing ok, and if I slipped up I could simply play it off as having a bad day or the side effects of living with Trina, that one always works, but no, she had to go and trip me. In hindsight, Jade has been especially mean to me recently. And what was that about coming to see me and saying sorry, huffs, like she cares, I think Beck, Sikowitz and/or Lane made her come, and the cheese thing, who texts someone they don't like at night asking if they like cheese. It's probably some new form of torture she has devised.
Although, being hated by Jade can be useful, I can just say that her being mean to me is getting to me, I know it's wrong and she for once is not responsible for what's wrong with but I don't care really, before I would have cared but now, my number priority is that no one finds out. God, I think I would die if anyone found out, even if they did, what would I say was wrong with me, I don't even know myself, I will become that crazy girl with imaginary problems.
Making Jade my scapegoat, is the only chance I have at getting Andre and Beck off my back, besides it's not like I'm doing something she hasn't done to me a thousand times before, blaming me for things I didn't do or had no control of, and it surely won't change a thing in our relationship, she'd still hate me and I'll still be pathetic.
Trying to hide my problems is exhausting, that's why I have to keep anyone from suspecting, because if they do it means that I have to put even more extra effort in pretending to be happy. I wonder why it's so hard to pretend to be something that I naturally was. It also doesn't help that I don't sleep much these days, I'm always stressed, I can't get a moment to myself because my friends are always here, it's like when I came to HA we signed an agreement that my house was the official hangout spot, then I was ecstatic but now, it just seems like extra work.
At first I thought that that was my problem, that all the people and noise around me was the reason I couldn't sleep. With my friends here all the time or Trina and her annoying weird bathroom rituals and that screech she calls a voice that tries to deafen anyone within hearing range. But honestly, I have more quiet time than not. In my family, the most we see of each other is in the morning, and that is mostly characterized by brushing shoulders with muttered sorrys when reaching for things, when everyone is preparing to go wherever it is that they go. Trina used to hang around the house after school but we know Trina can't breathe unless she's annoying a crowd somewhere.
But then I couldn't sleep at night when I'm alone in the dark and it's quiet because even though its quiet outside, inside it's as loud as a frat party. I don't have peace and quiet because my brain never shuts up, the first time I had slept for more than 2 hours straight in a long time was when Jade was here, I found something about her strangely comforting, and since I haven't been able to find much comfort in pretty much anything lately, I'll take it from wherever I can. Or I'm just a masochist and derived pleasure from being bullied, who knows, won't be the first thing wrong with me.
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"TORI!" Bang bang bang
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
"TORI, WAKE UP RIGHT OR I'M LEAVING YOU!"
"Go away Trina!" I yell at the door where my sister is. I must have fallen asleep doing my homework, although from the raging headache I'm experiencing now, not for long.
"Tori, I'm warning you, if you're done by the time I'm finished with my make-up, I'm leaving you!" Trina yells back.
"Just go, I'll call Andre!" I yell back even though I know I would be done hours before she's done with her make-up, I just don't think I can deal with her today I have friends to convince that I'm doing ok, and if possible find a way to wiggle myself out of any social gathering, I know for certain that Trina has a weekend trip with some 'friends'. Yeah, I'm not so sure that they are her friends but you never know. And I'm certainly not calling Andre, I still need to think over what to tell him.
I go into my bathroom, thanking the stars that I don't have to share a bathroom with Trina, the horror, I visibly shudder at the thought of sharing a bathroom with Trina. I try my best to avoid the 5 foot mirror in my bathroom, I have not been the biggest fan of mirrors recently, in fact, I only look in the mirror to make sure that I don't look how I feel, so that no one will see how ugly I feel in the inside, and I spend as little time there as possible. Every time I look in the mirror, I always get the urge to punch the person looking back at me, because I hate her. I actually punched her once, and I explain the bandage I had to wear on my right hand for a week at school that Trina stepped on my hand with her Fazzini boots.
After coming close to another boxing match with my mirror I go to my room, get dressed, grab my backpack, and leave. I pass by the kitchen fridge to grab an apple that I'm not gonna eat, it's just for show. I could still hear Trina's screeching from her room, told you so.
I leave as quietly as possible, I'm not feeling up for an awkward morning conversation with my parents. I was planning to take the bus so that I have enough time to plan on what exactly I want to tell my friends, but I guess not.
"Vega."
"Uh, hi Jade, um, what, uh, are you doing here?" I ask her.
"Isn't it obvious, I'm here to give a ride to school, since you're like the only 17 year old teenager who doesn't have a driver's license?" She answers still leaning against her black mustang wearing all black looking as unruffled as if she takes me to school every day before breakfast.
"Uh, ok, that's very nice of you, thank you." I say and she gives this look that lasts for about a second as if she's disappointed, like she expected something from me that I didn't deliver, but I brush it off. I said thank you, if there is anything I didn't do is retort on her insult earlier about me having a license but that's not it because I haven't been verbally defending myself from her as I use to, but that didn't discourage her in the least. If anything she's meaner than ever, which makes me think Beck has superpowers, the things he makes her do.
"Yeah, don't get used to it," she says as I enter her car. I expect to her to drive off before I'm fully the car but she waits patiently until I'm fully settled that's when she starts her car and drives off. The cars ride is quiet and suits me and her perfectly. We're about five minutes into the drive when she says something to me.
"Huh?" I didn't expect her to say anything to me the whole ride, so I wasn't paying attention, and didn't hear what she said.
"Look in the glove compartment." She says coolly as if we had talking all along. I avoid asking her what she meant and just checked the glove compartment lest I pissed her off and she starts yelling at me. To be honest, I kinda like her when she's all quiet and moody, then I can get lost in the labyrinth that is my head without anyone bugging me.
"It's cheese," I say staring at the rectangular slab of cheese in my hands.
"Cornish kern, it's supposed to be the best the world, and it's sealed so you don't think I poisoned you." She answers in the same tone as before, as if we're old friends talking about the weather.
"For me, you bought this for me, you bought me cheese?" I ask and I can't help the incredulous tone of my voice.
"You like cheese, don't you?"
"Yeah, but….."
"But what Vega, you want me to take a bite to prove it's not poisoned?"
"No, no, it's fine, thank you, Jade," I say putting the cheese in my backpack with plans to actually eat it. Something about eating something that might kill me oddly excites me, the kind of excitement that I used to feel when I got a part in a play or a movie audition, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, and I try to avoid thinking about a lot of things because the moment I try, a whole cascade of emotions and feelings overcome me that I just can't deal with.
I look on the driver's side at Jade, Jade is a whole other enigma that my tired brain just can't handle, it's hard to understand what the girl's gonna do next, because no matter how much you think you know her or how much you think you have figured her out, she will always surprise you. Normally I would go to lengths one might call obsessive to try and understand her or get her to like me but now, I have decided to just go with it, if she likes me fine, if she doesn't also fine, I don't even like myself most of the time.
********ISHD**********
My day at school was going well so far, considering. After the cheese incident, Jade went back to pretending I didn't exist, I ran into Cat and Robbie gave them a sob story of hurting my tush as the reason why I cried yesterday, and I had successfully avoided Beck and Andre. But I knew I couldn't anymore since we had Sikowitz next, so I texted them to go early for Sikowitz's class so we could talk.
When I reached Sikowitz's classroom, I could hear Beck and Andre talk inside, I took a deep breath and entered.
"Hey guys," I announced myself.
"Hey muchacha." "Hey Tori," Andre and Beck said in unison as they both gave me one armed hugs from either side. "So, how are you doing?" Beck asked me, never one to beat around the bush.
"I'm doing ok," I said as I sat down, "my tust still hurts a bit, but I think I kinda of over reacted yesterday."
"Are you sure you're ok, are you sure it was just an over-reaction yesterday, when you screamed yesterday, I thought, um, I thought, I don't know what thought, I just want you to ok okay." Andre said looking like he meant everything he said and Beck looking the same.
I felt nothing, well I felt nothing good, here were two of the strongest people I know looking on the verge of tears because they were worried about me and I felt nothing apart from the guilt of making them feel this way and not being able to fix myself, so that everything goes back to normal. I did the only thing normal Tori would do, I got up from my seat and hugged them.
"You sweet sweet beautiful men, I love you so much for caring, but really I'm ok, I think, it was just my stress finding a way out yesterday, if you have noticed, Jade has been especially mean to me recently and I guess she kinda got to me, and the fact that she's the one who tripped me made me kinda of snap, I guess." I tell them the monologue I had been rehearsing and kiss each of them on the check.
Beck sighs, "We know, and I'm sorry about her, I'll talk to her and tell her to give you a break." He says and Andre nods his agreement.
"No, no, it's ok, I think I scared yesterday, if you talk to her now, she's just snap, besides, crying yesterday relieved tons of tension and stress off my shoulders that I'm probably the most stress free person in the world."
I heard a scoff behind me and I knew Jade was here, I could almost hug her, her timing was perfect, Beck went to berating Jade about her behavior and Andre told me not to pay her attention and went on to talk about a new song he was writing, all seemed well for now, they had believed me. I let out a sigh of relief and turned back and looked at Jade, she must have felt me look at her because she turned from Beck looked at me and for about a second I could swear she winked at me, smirked and then went back to her conversation/argument with Beck.
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A.N: Also, Tori's depression while not severe yet, has reached a point where her thoughts are kinda darker than what normal Tori. For example, she's cool with calling Cat stupid in her head or ignoring Robbie.
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