Chapter 4

Mary's POV…

Six months went by and I still wasn't over him. Oswald had been my soulmate, I knew that, I refused to believe anything less; it just wouldn't leave my mind. Just like him. Six months later and my life had fallen apart, it had, yet, I didn't even know it. All I could think was Oswald. What had I done to make him leave? What had changed so drastically to make him stop loving me so suddenly? In those months, my own well-being didn't matter, I was obsessed in a way with Oswald, and I couldn't even get out of bed most days. I didn't care about anything else, but that all changed one day when I had to force my limbs to move so I could get out of bed. It was that simple act that made me aware of what I had let myself become.

I had crawled out of bed, literally, I found myself standing there, and then I looked in the mirror.

"Is that me?" I thought looking intently at the person peering out at me from the glass not wanting that dirty, hysteric looking person to be me. My hair was ratted into knots, it didn't even look brown anymore, but instead a pile of grease. My face looked even worse. It had gone from pale to an angry red that was hot with tear stains that seemed almost burned into me. For the first time, I was glad Oswald was gone, I wouldn't have wanted him to see me like this; if he hadn't already left me, he would if he could see me now. I was no longer his beautiful Mary, but a disaster that no one would ever want again. But then I had a thought. I wouldn't be this way if he hadn't left me. These tears wouldn't be seared into my skin and for the first time I felt mad, mad at him. After all we had been to each other, how could he find it so easy to just walk away like that? I was this way now because of him.

For a minute, I stared, but suddenly I slammed my hands into the mirror. It didn't break though part of me wished it had maybe it would have given my pain some meaning. All I could think was that I looked pathetic, the person in that mirror looked pathetic, and in that moment, I thought that my time to mourn was over. Now I had to pick myself up and live. Without Oswald.

"I can't do this anymore," I whispered the decision already made in my mind, this couldn't go on; I couldn't stop my life for Oswald, now, I had to start it all over again, but this time without him.

"Begin again," I thought taking one last look at myself knowing it had to be today; today, I had to pick up what I had left, and begin again. Only this time without him, without Oswald.

It all began with a shower. My new beginning had to start with a shower to wash away the memory of this experience in my life. I hadn't taken one since that night, when the police brought me home. My mother had tried, to get me to get out of bed, to take a shower, but she stopped seeming happy when I would merely eat a few bites of food. I knew I had to scrub the grime of this off my body though I doubted I would ever be able to do the same with my memory.

"You can do this, you can do this…" I repeated that mantra in my head as I began the process of starting anew, the shower water pouring out in a warm spray, my clothes leaving my body before I even felt it as I threw them as far from me as possible. They were just a reminder of this time in my life. I would throw them away. They would just be a cruel reminder of this time, this moment when Oswald left my life, and I had to go on without him. I would throw them away because I didn't want any reminders of that. I just stepped into the spray and let this moment in my life wash away. My memories ran through my mind as the water ran over my body. Both the good and the bad. I remembered Oswald on the day we met, I remembered the first time he ever held my hand, the first time I danced in his arms, and that day in the rain. It was there more than the others, haunting me, and drowning my face in the spray of the water I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore. I knew I couldn't forget about Oswald, but I also knew I couldn't let him walking away continue to ruin my life. I had to go on.

In that moment, I knew I could never forget him, how could I; he was the love of my life, but now he had left me, so now it was time to go on. I couldn't stop my life for him even if I wanted to, if not for myself, I had to go on for my mother; my mother needed me. When I finally left the shower, my skin was a less fiery red, and was wrinkled like a prune. For a moment, as I stood there dripping wet, and naked I felt new. But that feeling only lasted a second before that pain came seeping back into my skin. In that moment, I knew I could never completely wash it away. And I also knew that this was the moment when my life was starting again. I dried my body, taking my time until entering my bedroom I got dressed going just as slowly. First, I pulled on my panties then my bra and then for some reason I stopped. I sat on my bed my mind slowly processing it all and with a sign I began again. Pulling on a pair of black leggings, I felt secure as I felt the clothing hug me, and then warm as I let the white sweater I put on next wrap around me like a blanket. I finished it all off with a pair of black flats and then I was there again. In front of that mirror looking at the new Mary Tyler that was coming to be today.

Staring into that mirror, I brushed my hair with slow strokes until it was a long row of wet tendrils then setting the brush down I stared some more. Next, I pulled my hair into a ponytail, and with one last stare I splashed water on my face washing away the tears still burned into the fading redness. That was when it truly began. When I was dressed my life without Oswald began; I became a new Mary mixed with bits and pieces of the old. Now all I had to do was get rid of the last of my pain. My mother was shocked, freaked out even when I burst out of my room, and back again grabbing a cardboard box.

"Mary!" exclaimed my mother before I slammed the door in her face locking it so she couldn't follow me. I didn't need her in that moment, I had to do this alone or I feared I wouldn't be able to do it at all.

"Goodbye Oswald," I whispered as I began to put everything I still had of him away to be looked at years from now when it was no longer a source of pain.

"You can do this, you can do this…" I continued to say this in my head as I put each shred of clothing, each photograph away into the box knowing it was the only way I could go on.

"You can do this," I whispered out loud as I took one last look at everything inside that box, at everything that had to do with Oswald part of me knowing even this wouldn't make me forget him, but that it was only helping me for now to go on without him. To save him, for a later time in my life, when maybe, it wouldn't hurt, so much to remember him.

"Goodbye," I thought one last time as I put that box away silently promising myself that I wouldn't open it again until I was free. After that box was sealed and no longer in front of me, I found myself standing there, and then I finally let myself hear it. The pounding of my mother's fists against my bedroom door. With a click, I unlocked the door, and swung it open to the relief of my mother.

"Mary?" exclaimed my mother as soon as my door opened letting me see her surprise as she just stared at me at first.

"You're out of bed…what happened? Are you alright…what can I do?" said my mother her words coming out in a babble of questions as she touched my arm. I didn't answer any of her questions because truly I didn't have time to or answers. I just shrugged out from under her touch and remained silent staring at her like I had the mirror. Answering her would just bring the pain back and I didn't want that.

"Mary? Answer me, are you alright?" exclaimed my mother again, but again I didn't say anything choosing simply to walk out of my room to the door of our apartment opening it to leave. I stood there half way inside our apartment and out in the hallway. I didn't know what to say to my mother even as she begged for me to say something. Finally, I just looked at her, and from the look on her face I knew I was scaring her. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to care, later maybe, but now, I just needed to figure this new life of mine out before I could worry about anything else. The look in her eyes was devastating, but the sound of her voice was worse.

"Mary, please say something. What is happening. What are you doing?" whispered my mother slowly approaching me. I knew what she was going to do. She was going to close the door, she was going to try to get me to stay here, and opening the door wider I stood in the doorway. I couldn't let her do that. When she stood in front of me I just stared at her deep down just wanting her to let me leave.

"Sweetheart, what is happening, please, you know you can tell me anything. What are you doing? Does it have anything to do with Oswald…I told you…you must move on. What are you doing?" exclaimed my mother trying to touch my shoulders. Again, I just shrugged her away. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't fully know why, maybe, it would taint my new life with memories from the old. But as she asked those questions I sincerely thought about the answers to those questions. Again, I had no answers. Staring directly into my mother's eyes, I brought a hand to grip the doorframe, and I hoped my eyes said what I couldn't. That I had no answers. That I just had to do this, on my own, my way or I wouldn't be able to do it at all. And the truth was I didn't know altogether what I was doing. What was I doing? I had never pictured this, living a life without Oswald, and with every step I took out the door I realized that was what I was doing.

"I'm starting over," I thought it before I said it because truthfully, I really didn't want to say it.

"I'm starting over…I have to go," I whispered finding I couldn't look at her as I said it. That was all I said before I grabbed the door handle nearly hitting her with the front door as I closed it behind me. It closed with a click that seemed louder than it was and leaning heavy against it I caught my breath. But no matter how many breathes I took it just didn't seem to be enough. I couldn't take another step because if I left that door it would be real. The new life I was beginning and the reason why would be real. I wasn't sure if I was altogether ready yet; I needed a moment to ready myself for this moment, the moment when my life would change completely, and forever. Leaning heavily against the door, I continued to catch my breath, and then I saw him in my mind, I remembered him one last time. I saw Oswald, the way he had been just after we shared that kiss in the rain, just before he walked out of my life, and with that memory I said what I didn't want to say. I said goodbye. This was not where I had pictured myself.

"Goodbye Oswald," I whispered knowing that I would have to find a place for myself in this world without him, without Oswald, something I had never imagined. I was supposed to be with him, married to him, his wife, the mother of his children, and yet that was never going to be. As I walked down the hall I walked away from that life and into a new one.