Word Count: 1960
A/N: Oh no! My chapters are getting shorter, no worries though, the next chapter will be over 2,000 words again. I'm trying to make my chapters longer, it all the other stories I've written, my chapters were 1,300 words max. So I'm trying here XD.
8/25/07- Edit: Changing Yondaime's name from Arashi to Minato.
It's never an odd occurence when a fellow ninja snaps. While not wholly common, it happens just often enough for ninja prepare for and fear for the day they'll snap as well. (It's no secret that most ninja hope to die first.)
Iruka watched as Mizuki started to break on his kitchen floor, screaming out name after name of all the little girls and little boys and pregnant women and happy men that he'd murdered in cold blood. He slammed his fists into the pale blue tiles that lined the walls of Iruka's happy kitchen, he broke Iruka's windows and ripped Suzuna-chan's refrigerator picture to shreds.
Iruka watched and didn't make a single sound.
Mizuki then took Iruka by the shoulders and shook him and shook him until wisps of chestnut hair fell from his perfect pretty pony-tail. Mizuki told him that he hated him and his damn smile and that he was a murderer just like him and Iruka didn't deserve to be happy. Iruka reached out to touch Mizuki's face and Mizuki nearly killed him right then and there.
Breaking and Snapping are two completely different things. While breaking is something entirely temporary and a state that every ninja needs to go through if they want to continue functioning after the atrocities they commit and witness on a daily basis, snapping is something that more than likely is permanent, a whole new level of grief and insanity that cripples even the most powerful of ninja. It throws them into an endless spiral of despair and a kind of depression that can't be washed away with alcohol and cheap sex. A type of hatred (for yourself or for others) that consumes and destroys.
(Despite popular belief, Hatake Sakumo was very much sane until the very last moments of his life, it was only as the tip of his prized tanto started to rip into the muscled skin of his abdomen that Hatake Sakumo snapped.)
When some ninja break they become completely vacant, living in the battle field and attacking enemies that don't exist, fighting to save people that are long gone. Those types of ninja are admitted to the psych ward underneath ANBU headquarters, where they're placed in a infuriatingly plain and padded white room with no furniture until they either die naturally, or commit suicide with the miscellaneous items the nurses leave in their rooms. As far back as anyone can remember, in there, no one has ever died from natural causes. Ninja are useless if they can't fight.
The most important thing a ninja ever has to learn is how to cope. A ninja can't throw a straight kunai if he's still grieving over the man that he'd just killed. A kunoichi can't seduce a man if their lover's face is the only thing they see. A genin can't ever amount to anything if they can't get over the fact that their mom and dad are dead and never coming back.
Some ninja cry. They kick and cry and scream and revert back to horrific memories that make them rip out their hair and scratch and scratch their pale arms until they've bled enough to atone for their sins.
Some ninja perform rituals. They pray for he and she and them and everyone I killed because ninja try not to remember names, but they always remember faces.
Tatami Iwashi draws pictures on nights he can't sleep.
Sometimes he draws pictures of the places he's been to, like that dilapidated shack on the outskirts of Suna, and the abandoned medic station in the middle of the forest. Other times, he draws the places he's never been to, like that tea shop in Earth Country that his sensei had sworn was the best tea house in any country, and Rain Country's arena for the chuunin exams that he missed (and his teammates had gone to) because he had been sick.
Iwashi draws pictures of his mother's embroidered kimono and the family crest in all of it's blood red glory, and Iwashi draws pictures of home (the very same house that had fallen top of his family and crushed them after it was hit by Mama's painstakingly planted apple trees the Kyuubi had uprooted and hurled.)
And, when Iwashi can no longer keep his eyes open, he puts down his pencil and lights a candle for everyone that he once loved. He lights one for his pretty little sister and condescending older brother, he lights one for his soft mother and taciturn father. Iwashi lights one for Emiko-sensei and Miho-chan and for Reiji, and then, Iwashi lights one last one for all those who are still alive. Afterwards, Iwashi prays so hard he makes himself sick.
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Kakashi forgets who he is sometimes, and he's sure that it should scare him, but it doesn't and so he doesn't really care because he still knows to be wary and he still knows how to fight and how to kill and how not to die. And as far as Kakashi is concerned, that's all he needs to know. (His hard learned ANBU lessons have never failed him, identity means nothing, and Kakashi's the embodiment of Death.)
It's when Kakashi forgets to be a ninja that absolutely terrifies him (though, subconsiously, he's not entirely sure why). And it's then that Kakashi breaks.
He crawls into bed and stares at the wall -- hitai-ate removed and Sharingan whirling wildly -- and tries his hardest to remember if he ever wanted to be a ninja. Most times, Kakashi starts to suffocate and he removes his mask, taking large gulping breaths that only serve to remind him of Rin and her pretty eyes --and pale lips that ceased to smile-- , eyes that bulged as she struggled to breath, but couldn't. Kakashi then holds his breath until his face turns blue.
Other times, he takes his mask and burns it, watching the smoke twist in the air as he thinks of his father and grows bitter.
The worse times Kakashi summons his nin-dogs and they do what they've done ever since he started summoning them when he was old enough to kill, but too young to stay up past eight o'clock . Pakkun sits by his head, the stoic pug pressing his cold nose against his temple and whining under his breath, Bull sits by his door and growls fiercely at anyone who tries to come in, and the rest of them surround their master and try not to whimper at the waves of sadness rolling off of him.
Kakashi was nine when he woke up in the morning and was scared nearly half to death to find that the Yellow Flash was in his kitchen making breakfast; it was Minato's turn to be scared half to death when Kakashi asked him where Daddy was.
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Kakashi sat in the uncomfortable tree and fingered his mask, reverting to the old nervous habit as he got lost in his thoughts. The journey had gone smoothly so far, and they had decided to start taking watches as they were nearing the very outskirts of Earth Country, knowing that just relying on the 'wake-up-if-a-stranger-breathes' sleeping habits all four jounin possessed was both stupid and suicidal.
Kakashi had taken the first watch like he always did, and took the liberties of setting up a few chakra-activated traps around the campsite, scouring a 100-foot radius around the area before he felt safe enough to perch, hidden the the crook of a large, sturdy tree for the remainder of his watch.
So far, he had seen and felt nothing, and, though he'd calculated the chances of them being attacked --37 percent-- considering the enclosed area they found themselves in and meticulously arranged traps, the tension in his shoulders did not give way. Not that he had expected it to, if there was one thing that Kakashi was known for on the battle field other than his skill and his near obsessiveness over his squad's safety (he nearly shat his pants when Yuugao had been poisoned and no one thought she would make it through the night), it was his inability to relax until the mission was completely over, and it was especially noticeable on missions like these.
As soon as dawn broke they would be heading into enemy territory and Kakashi had thought up more than one hundred possible scenarios, outcomes, variations, and all of the unknown factors that could turn this mission into the mission from hell. And honestly, Kakashi wasn't looking forward to any of them. From what he could tell from his vantange point, they were near the border of the Land of Grass. They would have to travel through Grass to reach Earth, and from there, travel through the depression in the rock ridges that guarded the already heavily maintained borders. Tsunade had provided them with Grass nin uniforms and had instructed them to remove their hitai-ate upon arrival into enemy territory.
But Kakashi knew that even with the variation to his uniform there was no way that his Sharingan and silver shock of hair wouldn't give him away, but he always had an ace up his sleeve for situations like these.Kakashi had an ace up his sleeve for every situation and every circumstance if he really stopped to think about it, though Kakashi usually tried not to think about how most of them were suicide jutsu...and how he wasn't all that adverse to using them.
"Oi, Kakashi," Genma whispered, breaking the comforting silence and jumping up onto a tree limb right next to Kakashi, "your turn is over, get some sleep."
Kakashi blinked, a little disoriented. After stretching out his senses only looking for any sign of strange chakra, he hadn't even noticed Genma movement. Kakashi wondered if he was he was losing his touch, and tried to remember why he hated Genma's smile.
"Yeah," Kakashi replied, "I'd better."
Genma looked at him and flicked his senbon, "You alright?"
Kakashi nodded once and lept to the ground.
In that moment Genma couldn't help but really think that Kakashi, slinking soft and silent in all of his pale white moonlit glory, was Death personified. Genma wondered when it was that Kakashi had changed from the too-merciful ANBU rookie into the man he was today. Raido knew, and Genma knew Raido knew. And the both of them knew that it would be the one thing Raido never told Genma. Back when Raido was eighteen, and Kakashi fourteen, Raido had been present on Kakashi's second ANBU mission, the very same mission into the Land of Waterfall that had nearly killed the both of them, and left Raido with a nearly unnatural fear of absolute darkness.
Sometimes, when Kakashi thought that no one else would notice, Genma would see his fists clenched tightly, the slight tremor running through both hands nearly unnoticeable. Other times, Genma pretends to not see how the corner of Kakashi's mouth twitches under his mask in what might have been a grimance when ever it starts to rain and Kakashi is required to use his hands.
Genma has always wondered when Kakashi would finally break, and can't help but pray that Kakashi would make it through this mission. He wonders if the Hokage was right about all of this.
And Genma knew, just like he knew everything else, that it wouldn't be too long before the answers to his questions would be revealed-- for however good, or bad they might be.
Kakashi, oblivious as always for all of his perceptiveness, stiffly leaned up against the base of the tree and shut his eyes, fingering his mask and holding his breath until his ears rung and the silence didn't suffocate him anymore.
Kiki's Excuse Corner-
Eek! This chapter wasn't really about Kakashi at all (sort of anyway)! Sorry about that, my imagination ran away with me and wanted Iwashi to appear in this chapter (no, Iwashi is not an OC, he's an elite Chuunin that was one of the exminers for the Chuunin exams).
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There are contradictions in this chapter. Wanna see if you can find them?
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The next chapter will be their travel into Grass Country and after that it's all about the Land of Earth, baby!
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In case anyone is wondering, the part where I talk about Rin's death, that whole scenario is taken from my one-shot about Rin's death. (Why yes, I am advertising my other story.)
Anyway, tell me what you think, I hope I haven't failed too much with this chapter. I like it and all (probably more than my last chapter) but I'm not sure it complete fits if you know what I mean. Love you guys and see you next chapter!