Part Four
He'd never seen her like this before: lost, broken, small. After two days of near silence as they retraced steps they'd not long ago travelled, Daryl was understandably on edge. He'd not expected Carol to leave their new set up at Terminus, but when she had, he'd followed. He'd not expected her to walk for two days to get back to where it all began, but it would have taken an idiot two seconds to realise that, no matter what, she wasn't going to stop until she reached that house. Despite what he'd been raised up to believe, Daryl was no idiot. But when they got to the house, he'd never expected her to burrow in, decide to make a temporary—he hoped—home of the place that had caused so much grief.
He'd filled in the quiet left by Carol's desertion by keeping busy. There'd been an abundant supply of wood out the back of the house and he'd spent half the afternoon once she'd locked herself in the bedroom chopping and stacking, relishing the burn in his back muscles, the tightness in his biceps, the ache in his chest as he tried to hold in useless tears that would settle nothing if he let them go. He had no right to be in pain. This had been all for her, coming here, letting her grieve, but he couldn't help but feel that the space she was pushing between them she'd meant to be permanent and the hurt of that was deep.
When night had fallen completely, he'd taken inside to scratch up some supper, nibbled on pecans while he rooted through the nearly empty cupboards. He'd have to hunt tomorrow, though he hated to leave Carol alone. He didn't know how long she was going to be like this—Sophia was no example to judge her on—but he didn't want to leave her in some state that was less than ideal to guard her own safety. This place was quiet, the scattered memories left by Carol and Tyreese real enough to make his gut clench. Jars of empty baby food still sat on the cabinet near the burners, dirty trays from roasting pecans, the puzzle on the table…there was a history here, experience that he hadn't shared with her and while it was no event that should inspire jealousy, Daryl couldn't help but be consumed with the sense of failure that he hadn't been there to help her. To help keep an eye on Lizzie so Mika maybe could have been saved.
He dozed fitfully through the night, waking in starts and tiredly seizing his crossbow to do haphazard sweeps around the grounds in the dark, keeping as quiet as he could. It amazed him that the threat seemed so small, and for a moment he fantasised that maybe they'd been transported to this place as a reward for all they'd been through—a place of safety and a corner of the past that could help them focus on what needed fixing between them before they sought out the others.
When his aching eyes parted again, light was spilling across the floor beside his slumped body and the high-pitched squeal of a kettle pierced his eardrums. His body ached, but he pushed himself up from the awkward position he'd settled into in the arm chair, picked up his crossbow and carefully made his way toward the mouth-watering aroma of coffee.
Carol had her back to him, staring out the window with her arms wrapped around, tightly hugging herself. He was hesitant to intrude, unsure of her reaction to him and not overly keen to test her tolerance levels based on the distance she'd been steadily forcing between them. His stomach growled, giving the game away and she turned to him, her expression one of forced pleasantness.
"Tyreese thought we could stay in this house. Give the girls a home." Now that she'd started talking he had half a mind to tell her to stop because the words she was using was stabbing him right in the heart. She looked down at the floor and he knew she was remembering, her head bobbing up and down just a little as she recalled those moments she'd constantly pushed through, for the benefit of the others. "He didn't want to be around people. Didn't think he could…after what happened to Karen. What…I did to Karen."
She looked up then and Daryl felt like he'd been slammed into with a truck, the guilt and remorse she had locked away inside her was ferocious in its presence.
"I was going to try…for them. I didn't know if we'd ever find Rick." She was staring at him now, those watery blue orbs boring down on him hard and it was adding a weight to his legs he found difficult to hold up. "Didn't know if I'd ever see you again." The bottom lip wobbling did it for him and he finally galvanised into action, dropping his bow and taking the steps he needed to be right in front of her, barely a breath between them. He wasn't even thinking when his arms went around her, only knowing that anything else was wrong and that he needed her in his arms at last, no matter what else would be in their future. He could feel the heat sear through his clothing as her cheek found comfort against his chest and he couldn't control the darker hue that surged to his cheeks at realising it.
"Sshh, I'm here now. Not gonna lose you again, I swear." The promise was a natural extension of what his heart knew…there was no more him without her. He'd tried and failed to exist out there on his own, tried to fit in with his companions—whether friend or foe—but it was all wrong.
She snuggled in deeper once he'd said what he had to say, somehow accepting it—at least for now—for what it was, and for what he'd intended. The rigid posture that had concerned him earlier had relaxed entirely against him, her body almost melting against his now and Daryl just held her tighter.
"How are we for food?" It was a cheap distraction, getting him away from the awkwardness of pouring out his heart for her to cup in her delicate hands or squish beneath her boots. And besides, his gut was hollow and it was starting to hurt.
"I could do with something other than pecans," she admitted with a laugh against his chest, and Daryl smiled, hopeful that maybe the bad start might be behind him and she'd forgiven him for whatever he'd done to make her think he wanted anything but what he had right now, with her in his arms as they stood in the kitchen of this house.
"I'm real good with this here crossbow," he bragged, not entirely wrong though his aim had been a little off recently. " Why don'tcha come help me scare some small thing to get us through the day?"
"Maybe I should stay here—"
"No!" He wasn't sure why he panicked but as her grip on him loosened and she began drawing away, the sense of losing her increased and he couldn't stand it. "I just mean…" Shit, what did he mean? He didn't want her out of his sight. He didn't want her wallowing over those graves, he didn't want her hiding in the house and he didn't want her alone with no one to watch her back in case their perfect little idyll was attacked by walkers—or thugs. He wanted her with him, at his side, frightening away all the critters with her chatter and careless footsteps so they starved to death if that's what was meant to be.
"Just tell me what you mean, Daryl." She sounded impatient and all he wanted was to feel her in his arms again and he was terrified that whatever it was that came out of his mouth would send her packing, have her running like she'd been doing since he'd first gained the courage up to look at her at Terminus.
"I mean…" He heaved a deep, laboured breath, knowing there was nothing for it but to tell the truth. "I don't wanna go out there and be afraid that when I come back, you'll be gone."
She watched him with such intensity he felt like she was piercing his soul. "Then I guess I'll go with you."
The relief he felt was instant, his body sagging with an extreme dissipation of anxiety and under his radar she'd snuck in again, wrapping her arms around his middle and reclaiming her spot on his chest. He relaxed with her and allowed them to find solace in each other.
It was cool out. Carol had dug out a knitted thing from one of the cupboards in her bedroom, a deep shade of rose and every now and again, Daryl looked back at her just to see the colour. He hadn't really noticed but it felt like years since he'd seen colour, and on Carol it changed his current world view. She saw his looks and smiled uncertainly. He thought he smiled at her, but sometimes felt time slip away only to realise he hadn't moved in a while, lost in the gentleness of her presence and the need to just be.
She wasn't chatty, and her feet weren't too heavy on the earth, so without wandering too far from the house, he'd already managed to trap two rabbits in the snares he'd set as they'd headed out. There fell an easy comfort between them that he'd missed so deeply it had rendered him mute when he'd first thought he'd never know it again, and he wanted to hang onto it now with a desperation he'd never had before. She was only two steps behind him when he shot the squirrel scampering up a tree, and like a sign, the true hit gave him courage he'd been losing now since the prison fell.
He left the squirrel skewered to the tree, felt his knees knock together as he slowly turned and tried not to look like he was scared half out of his mind. Carol watched him, bewildered, but she waited quietly, expectantly and without knowing it he managed to find his way so that he was facing her. His blood roared through his veins and his heart did double-time in his chest. He licked his lips, counted it out to himself, prepared how he was going to do this, and then when her expression turned to one of impatience, he placed a shaking hand at her waist and dropped his lips onto hers and at last he savoured the dry, wet contrast of her.
She gave in for all of five seconds before pushing him away and he felt the release like a smack in the face.
"What are you doing?" Her fingers slipped across her lips, a tiny smile quirking at the corner that at least gave Daryl some hope that he hadn't entirely fucked up, but she was stepping away, too, which screwed with his perception of the situation completely.
"I know I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I thought I was kissin' you. You know, finally." His chin dropped into his chest and the burn in his cheeks was like fire as he tried to deal with his embarrassment. He'd thought this was what she wanted, that she'd been hoping for a while he'd quit being such a pussy about it and just do it, and now that he had, he felt foolish and stupid.
"But what about Beth?"
His eyes snapped up at that, not understanding why Beth had anything to do with his pathetic timing.
"What about her?"
Carol's entire composure seemed to wilt before his eyes. She broke from his gaze, scuffing the ground with her boot, dragging that pretty rose piece across her body. Self-defence, she was running emotionally and it at least satisfied the wounded parts of him that had thought maybe he was too late.
"Beth thinks she's yours. She was all over you at Terminus and you barely even acknowledged I was there. I thought you two were together."
He was stunned. Together…with Beth. The concept was so incomprehensible to him that he was struck speechless.
"For shit's sake," he spat at last, not a little bit disgusted at the thought. "You an' Rick? Beth's just a kid. Weren't at some holiday inn lookin' to get my rocks off."
"She won't be a kid forever, Daryl. If it was just the two of you… I have no right to hold you back."
"What the hell does that mean? You ain't holdin' me back from nothin'. I'm already where I wanna be." He stopped, trying to put everything he'd ever felt for her in this one long, drawn out appeal so she'd stop questioning him, stop doubting him every time things went astray. "I'm with you."
"I'm just saying you don't have to be. I…I understand if there's someone else you'd—"
"There ain't nobody else an' you know it." His mouth felt stiff from how hard he was clamping his lips together to stop from saying anything he'd regret. "I got no interest in Beth. Got zero interest in kissin' her, neither." He bristled with an anger he hadn't felt in a long time, probably not since back at the farm before she'd tamed him. It was short-lived, one glance at her enough to diffuse it into something far less volatile.
He hated when her eyes filled with tears, felt like every drop that fell to her cheek was a punch to his heart and this time it was twice as bad because something he hadn't meant to happen was causing her pain.
Voice real low, dragged out of him under duress, he confided his fears and hoped that somehow his being an idiot might make her feel better. Might make her care about him again. "When I heard your voice at Terminus, I thought you weren't real. Just another ghost that was haunting me." He had her attention now, her eyes sparkling pools and her lips trembling as she pinned him to the spot. "I lost my way out there when I thought you were dead. I was afraid…" He clamped his eyes shut tight, unable to believe he was admitting to someone he'd been scared after the ferocious denial he'd thrown at Beth that he was never afraid, though Carol wasn't just anyone. If anyone would understand and accept how he'd crumbled, it was her. "Was afraid I'd never see you again," he admitted, voice catching. "Even when I lost Beth, it was you I thought about. You I was missin'."
Her sharp breath hurt his ears and he prepared for her condemnation for not caring more for a girl that had been in his care, but then her body collided with his and her lips were savaging his in the hungriest kiss he'd ever experienced in his life and he gave in to it, matched it, lost himself over to the relief of having this woman in his arms. He never wanted to let go of her again. Never wanted to feel anything else against his fingertips but the honey velvet of her skin. Never wanted anyone else's but the sting of her bite on his lips as her hands learned the contours of his body. Their kiss was a consummation of a lifetime of patience. The gasps of air she breathed into him went a long way to repairing what had been damaged between them. His hand tangled in the curls at the back of her head as he held her close, chasing little bites of her lips with soft caresses of his tongue. He got lost inside her mouth, finding such pure bliss he never wanted to find his way out. They stumbled as he shirked off his crossbow, his free hand finding a clear path beneath her shirt and a growl broke free of him as he felt the heat of her flesh intimately for the first time.
"Is it gonna be here?" he asked, cringing a little at the hoarseness that spilled out of him, then not caring anymore when her hand snaked into his pants and he had his answer.
"Yes." So simple, so freeing, and then he was helping her with the button on her pants, sliding the fabric down her hips while aiming for a nearby tree so he could make sure she had something at her back and couldn't escape him. His finger dipped into her honey and he nearly wept, eyes stinging that he'd suffered, so long he'd dwelled in his own pain and inadequacies that he'd almost lost this chance. He knew how lucky he was, that running his slickened finger across her clit and having her shudder in his arms was a gift he didn't deserve, but one he was finally taking.
The woods around them were silent as he seated his cock into her deep, his eyes wide open to watch the flittering moments of wonder, aching satisfaction, and glorious happiness that passed across her expressive face. He couldn't stop watching as he lifted her slowly, relishing the dip of her hips when he surged back inside, the way she gyrated against him to build and maintain the pressure, the pleasure rippling through their bodies as they devoted the moment fully to each other. He was creating bruises on her thighs as he gripped them, thrusting at a steady but lazy pace, little prickles of heat joining force along his flesh until the ultimate moment when he could feel her fluttering against his cock and his answering reaction, everything drawing up into his balls as he let out a feral groan and pumped frantically into her. She kissed him through it, the fingers of one hand stroking his cheek while the other was lost in a tight grip in his hair. He couldn't remember the possibility of loving anyone so fiercely in all his life.
"I love you." Foreign words on his tongue had never been so easy to say, and when the sparkle of happy tears appeared, he vowed they'd pass his lips often.
AN: So, I was tempted to leave this here, but I think it does need another Carol chapter, so that one will be along sometime and that will be the end. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. You really keep the spirit going! Caryl on, all of you!