Day in and day out, it was the same. Wake before the sun, eat breakfast, work like mad, eat in the afternoon, work like mad again, eat supper, then work until we collapsed from exhaustion every night. A month after the group had left, my parents and I had our daily routine down to a science. Even Gerda seemed to be understanding of our situation, and was much more cooperative during milking time. Our field was growing beautifully, and the harvest time would be coming up in another month. My father had taken over Fredegar's animal snares, and had been fairly successful with them, so we never had to go without a decent meal.
In my mind I had started a mental countdown. One month down, one more month to go...or at least I had hoped it would be that soon. It could be, but only if their adventure required just a short stay in Rivendell. I tried my best not to get my hopes too high that they would be back so quickly, but it was hard not to. I avoided idleness, because that is when the loneliness really took hold of me. I longed to hear one of Merry's stories, and to watch the expressions of excitement on his face. I smiled when I remembered the way his eyes lit up when he told me his tale of the Ents, and how they had defeated Saruman. He recognized the magic in his journey, and it made his tales all the better.
Some time in mid September, we attended the wedding of my cousin. The ceremony was outdoors and was beautifully decorated with every kind of flower from the shire. The party afterwords was full of food, ales, smoke. I was sitting back watching the event, when a hobbit named Tosto Boffins asked me to dance. I looked to my mother, who was sitting next to me, to find the words to tell him no. My mother flashed a wide grin, then pushed me off of the bench we were sitting on before I had a chance to say anything. As much as I didn't want to dance, I had a good time. We laughed as he twirled me around. After the song I thanked him for the dance, then returned to the bench with my mother. She nudged me and smiled. "He's a good looking boy, isn't he, Estella?" Tosto wasn't bad looking by any means. His family was a good one. They were farmers like we were. He seemed to be a good man, hard working, but easy going. But he was no Merry. I knew a life with Tosto would be much like my life now. Work, work, work. Cook, cook, cook. And making little Boffin hobbits. A life with Merry would include all of those same things, but I would get to hear his stories, and see the fire in his eyes when he spoke of the evils of Middle Earth. And a life with Merry would include baby Brandybucks, which were the only kind of babies I dreamed of.
After the party my parents and I returned home. My father had had his fill of ale, and was a bit sloshed. My mother and I had to guide him to his chair by the fire. That was all the farther he was able to make it before he fell fast asleep. My mother smiled at me. "Time for bed, my dear," she said to me as she patted my shoulder. I nodded in agreement, as I felt just as tired as my father.
A few days later, my father had to go to the village to buy a few new tools for our garden. The tools we had now were old and rusty, and my father's favorite hoe had finally busted. When he returned, Tosto was with him. Tosto had helped my father carry his new tools. They were chatting away when they entered the house. My father told my mother to put the tea kettle on the fire. I was in the kitchen with mother when they arrived. She told me to be sure I made enough food for one more.
While sitting down to eat, Tosto and my father spoke of farming. Tosto was beaming as he spoke of how plentiful his garden was this year. He looked right at me and smiled widely, as if I should be impressed. My mother saw how disinterested I looked, which she considered to be very rude, so she kicked me underneath the table. I straightened myself up and tried to look more interested, but it was hard for me, considering some of the other wild stories that had been told around our table. Compared to Merry's, garden tales were quite dull.
After his visit, it was back to work at the farm. After supper, my father went to the Green Dragon for a few drinks. I stayed home with my mother, of course, as there was plenty of house work to be done. We were in the middle of dusting the living room when I heard my mother let out a deep sigh. "You know, Estella, Merry may be gone a long time." I pretended not to hear her. She paused briefly, "Estella? Did you hear me, girl?"
I looked at her. "I know, mother," I said gently, then went back to cleaning.
"Tosto is a good man. He would make a good husband." She continued. I kept cleaning, not acknowledging her statement. "Estella?" She said, a little louder. I knew she wanted to have a real conversation about it, but I was trying my best to avoid it. I didn't want to admit to myself that Merry could be gone indefintely. I looked at my mother. She saw the sadness in my eyes. "I know how you feel about Merry, but Tosto is a good man. He would make you happy, my dear." She told me. It would take more than that to convince me that he could ever make me happier than Merry could.
"I know he's good, mother, but...I just...I can't." I took a deep breath and felt my eyes start to fill with tears. "Excuse me," I said as I turned around and quickly walked out the door. It was dark out, and I drug my feet through the tall grass so I could feel it between my toes. I always felt better when I was outside. I found a nice, quiet spot on a hill to cry on. I had realized how much I really missed Merry and I let it all out. I hated crying, but I felt much better when I was done. After I composed myself and wiped my cheeks, I headed back to the house. My father was there when I got back. Not quite as drunk as he had been after my cousin's wedding, but his words were a bit slurred. He mentioned that Tosto had been at the pub. I didn't care to stay and hear that story, so I took myself to bed.
The next morning, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes you just need a good cry, my mother would sometimes say. She was right about that. The work seemed to pass a little easier, and the day went by fairly quickly. It was around lunch time when my father informed us Tosto was coming for supper. I didn't let my parents see or hear, but I rolled my eyes and groaned to myself. Not more tales of gardens,I thought.
When Tosto arrived, my mother had a good meal over the fire. It smelled divine. Tosto brought gifts for everyone. A bottle of nice wine for my father, spices for my mother, and for me he brought a book. "So you can have adventures of your own." he said with a smile. We thanked him for the gifts, then he and my father sat around the table while mother and I finished cooking. My mother used some of the spices right away. When we sat down to eat, my father opened the bottle of wine and poured some for us all. It was good, indeed. The food was delicious, but the conversation left something to be desired. More talks of farm animals and gardens and the impending harvest. I tried to look interested, but in my head I was miles away. At least I was able to look involved enough that I didn't get kicked under the table.
Tosto stayed for a while after supper. He and my father sat around the fire and smoked their pipes. Mother and I cleaned up after supper and did the housework. Afterwords, I excused myself to bed. "Don't forget your book," my mother reminded me. I grabbed it and off to bed I went. After I changed and crawled into bed, I picked up the book. A Dance With The Goblin King, it was called. I couldn't bring myself to read it, so I set it on my night table. I could hear Tosto and father laughing and carrying on. I let out a deep sigh, then turned over and went to sleep.
Over the next couple of weeks, Tosto came over almost every other day. He brought more gifts for us as well. Wines or vegetables or herbs from his family's farm. He helped my father with work around our home. Things that were in disrepair got replaced, and it seemed like my father enjoyed the company.
When it was time for the harvest, Tosto was right there, every other day, by our sides helping. By the end of the night, all of our backs ached from all the bending over. The harvest lasted weeks, so not only was Tosto helping his father tend to their own crop, he was doing double work by helping us with ours as well. He was indeed a hard worker, and always managed to keep a pleasant attitude while slaving away.
After the yearly harvest, there was a large party to celebrate with all of the people of the Shire. Everyone brought a covered dish or dessert. There was drinking, dancing and merriment to be had by all. My mother had made a new dress for me for the occasion. It was the same shape and length as most of my dresses, but the color was a pale pink, instead of the usual green or brown of the dresses I wore on a daily basis. My mother said it brought out the pink in my cheeks and made my eyes bright blue. She also added an embellishment of lace around the sleeves and the hem of the skirt. It was probably the most feminine dress I had ever worn. She also fixed my curly hair so it was half up in the back, and framed my face in the front. When I looked into our only mirror, I realized that I had never felt so much like a grown woman before.
As usual, my mother made her famous rhubarb pies for the gala. The celebration started off rather quiet and quaint, but by the time the sun went down and the children went to bed, the ale flowed like a river and the music got loud and fast. Tosto grabbed my hand and wouldn't take no for an answer. We danced to a couple of songs, then I excused myself back to the table. Tosto followed behind me. When I got to the table my parents had been at, I realized they had gone home. They had never left me anywhere before. I told Tosto I should probably go. He offered to walk me home, but I told him I would be fine. Again, he wouldn't take no for an answer. He offered his arm to me, and I took it out of politeness.
We walked together, and got further and further from the lights and music of the party. Tosto made small talk about the party and about how plentiful the harvest was. Pretty soon we heard no more music, but only the chirping of crickets and the singing of bullfrogs. Lightning bugs were lighting our way. If I were some other girl, this would probably be a romantic moment, but he only things I had on my mind were getting home to see why my parents had left me, and trying to get away from Tosto before something awkward happened.
Then, suddenly, something awkward happened. As we were walking along, Tosto stopped. I stopped also, thinking something was wrong. Tosto turned to me and grabbed my hands. Oh no. What's going on? I thought to myself. Then he started to speak. "Estella, these last months I've spent with you and your family have made me realize what I want in life. I want you, Estella." Then he got down on one knee. "Would you do me the honor of being my wife?" My heart was racing. I was at a loss for words. I stuttered, trying to get something to come out, but no words came. It looked as if Tosto thought this was a good thing. He had a wide smile on his face, as if I had already said yes. "I promise I'll do everything I can to make you happy and take care of you." He added, as if that would seal the deal.
I finally got my wits about me. I gently pulled my hands away from his. The smile on his face slowly faded. I took two steps back. "I...I can't." I said quietly. Tosto stood up.
"But why? I've been with you almost all summer. I've helped as much as I could around your farm. I thought this is what you wanted." He told me. His face was full of hurt, and my heart hurt for him. I knew this couldn't be easy for him, but I couldn't help the way I felt.
"I don't know what I want, Tosto. I just know I can't say yes to you." I managed. Tosto didn't say anything else. He took a few steps backward, then turned around and walked away. "I'm sorry, Tosto." I added. He kept walking. I stood there for a few moments before turning around myself and making my way home.
I could see there was a fire burning before I even walked in the door at my house. When I entered, I saw both of my parents sitting by the fire. They looked over at me with smiles on both of their faces. I could tell they had known that Tosto was planning to propose. He must have asked my father's permission, and that's why they had left me there with him, so Tosto get a moment alone with me to ask. The second they saw my expression, their smiles were gone. My mother closed her eyes and put her head down. I think she had hoped I would say yes more than my father did. She wanted me to have a quiet life and family with a farmer, not a wild one with an adventurer like Merry.
"How could you not tell me?" I asked them both. They looked up and could see the anger in my eyes. A part of me felt betrayed, even though I knew they only wanted what was best for me. Neither of them said anything. My father looked away and stared into the fire, and my mother put her head back down. I walked by them and went to my room and shut the door behind me. I pulled my blankets back and crawled in bed. I didn't even bother changing into night clothes. I covered up and laid there. I pictured the look on Tosto's face over and over again. I felt horrible for hurting him so. I heard my parents in the other room murmuring to each other. I assumed they were discussing how disappointed they were that I wasn't going to marry Tosto.
After a while, there was a light knock on my door. I said nothing, hoping they would assume I was sleeping. Then I heard the door knob turn and I saw my mother on the other side. She slipped in my room, then quietly shut the door. She sat on the side of my bed. "I'm so sorry, Estella. I really thought you would say yes." At that, I sat up and let the tears flow freely from my eyes. My mother leaned in and held me tight, letting my tears soak her shoulder. She never asked questions about why I was crying, and she never pulled away, she just let me wail into her shoulder until I was finished. It was all of my emotions at once; feeling so very horrible for hurting Tosto - he had done so much for my family in my brother's absence. And he was the only boy who had made it known that he was interested in me, and now I had burned that bridge with a fire bigger than any of Gandalf's fireworks. Then there was my loneliness from missing Merry and my brother, and not knowing if I would ever see either of them again. It felt like my world had crashed in around me in a matter of minutes. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to sleep until enough time had passed that I felt nothing. Unfortunately, life doesn't quite work like that. My mother hugged me tight and whispered that everything would be okay. After I had calmed down, I laid back and my mother stroked my hair until I fell asleep, then she slipped out of the room.
The next day I didn't wake before the sun. In fact, the sun was high in the morning sky by the time I jumped out of bed. I quickly changed out of my party dress and into a plain chore dress. I tied my hair out of my face as I ran out of my room and into the kitchen. My mother was calmly churning butter and humming to herself. "Why didn't you wake me?" I asked promptly. She just smiled at me.
"Because you needed to rest. You had a bad night and we didn't want your morning to be any worse. I don't want you to do any chores today. I want you to go for a long walk by yourself. Walk somewhere quiet and relax. Take the day to yourself." She insisted.
"Mother, I'm fine-"
"No!" She cut me off. "I want you to go. Get some air and sunlight. Come back tonight and we will have supper together. I don't want to see you until then." With that, she smiled and went back to churning and humming. I stared at her for a moment, not quite knowing what to do. "Go!" She insisted again. I turned and slowly started walking toward the door. "Oh wait! Take this with you!" She called as she ran to me with a small package. "It's just a little food for you to eat today. Enjoy yourself, my dear." She said, then patted me on the behind and scooted me out the door.
I walked through the tall grass and let my feet drag a little. I walked quite a ways when I came upon a shade tree next to a pond. This is the spot, I thought to myself. I set down the package from my mother, then I walked over to the pond and lifted my skirt a ways so I could soak my feet in the water. It was warm and felt wonderful, so I went in a little deeper, up to my knees. I walked back and forth across the banks, just enjoying the sunshine and the water. A light breeze went by me. If it hadn't been for the night before, that day would have been perfect. After a while, I went back to the shade tree and opened the package from my mother. There was some fruit from our apple tree, a piece of cheese, a bottle of wine, and some bread my mother had baked that morning. I grabbed the apple and went out into the sunshine. I laid back into the grass and let the warm sun wash over my body. I ate the apple and listened to the birds sing.
When I had my fill of sunshine, I went back to the shade tree. I sat up against the tree and closed my eyes. I tried not to think about the look on Tosto's face again. Instead I imagined my brother's homecoming. It had now been two months since they had gone. My countdown was over, and we still had no idea when—or if they would be coming back. Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep against the tree. By the time I woke, the sun had moved to the other side of the sky. I knew I still had a couple of hours of daylight left. I opened the bottle of wine and had a drink, then ate some cheese and bread. I waded through the water again and soaked up some more sun. When the sun was a little ways from the horizon I headed home.
When I walked into the door, I could smell my mother had already started supper. Iwalked right to the kitchen. When my mother looked up from her vegetable cutting, she gave me a big smile. "Hello darling. I hope you enjoyed yourself." She said. I smiled back to her. I set down the package she sent and helped her finish supper. When my father came in, we all sat down at the table to eat. There was an awkward silence as we began eating. I knew my father wanted to ask what was wrong with me, why I would deny such a good man as Tosto. I didn't have the answers he wanted to hear. He wouldn't understand that my only reason was because I dreamed of someone else. No one would start up a conversation. We ate in silence. When we finished, my father excused himself, then went and sat by the fire and smoked his pipe. I knew I had disappointed him by refusing Tosto. I knew deep down that he would forgive me some day, but this wasn't the day. The next day probably wouldn't be the day either.