There they were, the fierce gray eyes that made my heart flutter with electric speed. They pierced through me, crumbling my walls of defense with one glance. Fitz was the only man that could expose every single emotion that I tried so hard to bury beneath the deepest depths of the ocean. How I ever managed not to cry in front of him as he uttered those morbid words of "I'm letting you go" would always be a mystery to me.
"What are you doing here Liv?" He asked, while placing his arms on either side of me, blockading me in the elevator. Anger was beginning to pour out from his eyes, flowing up to his forehead and transcending down onto his lips as they formed a frown.
"I wanted to—"
"No, Liv. Just… stop. I know why you're here…you know why you're here. You can't keep doing this… we can't keep doing this. I'm done with the ping pong game. You asked me to let you go, so I did. We made plans for me to resign, and then you went behind my back and connived with Mellie and once again, I let you go just like you asked me to. I believe you said "This is the only way." right? He sneered as he moved his face closer and closer to mine. Our lips were centimeters apart, with my eyes fixated on his.
"Fitz I know that I asked you to—"was all I could mutter before his lips crashed into mine. Fire exploded through our mouths as our tongues met and began to dance together. My hands traced the thick muscles of his arms through his shirt as they travelled up to his hair. His fingers found my waist as they pushed me up against him. Passion, lust, love, and yearning blazed through us as the kiss deepened. Fitz let out a soft groan as he suddenly pulled back to catch his breath. There they were again, the gray eyes aflame with need.
"I'm not doing this with you again. I want you, all of you. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and let you slip through my fingers as you ride off into the sunset with that mediocre Senator. This… us…" he grabbed my hand and placed it on his chest, "is our lifeline. You can shout at me in the forest all you want and say you're not mine but you are. Either say you mean Olivia, or the next time you push me away… I won't chase you and come back." Ding.
The elevator doors had opened and my hands had begun to shake wildly. I tried to gain composure as we walked towards my room I used my purse as something to grip to settle my left hand. With my right hand and a courage brought on from the kiss I grabbed his hand and intertwined our fingers.
"I asked you to let me go because late night phone calls and stolen kisses are the definition of a tawdry affair. I refuse to partake in anything less than the quintessential romance. I wanted more, and you could give me more… however you would have paid the ultimate sacrifice and I wasn't willing to let you do that for me. There are certain men that are meant to do certain things. You, Fitzgerald Grand III are meant to do great things. I could not in good conscience be the sole reason for causing the ultimate destruction of one of the greatest administrations the White House would ever see. So instead of making you choose, I chose. I chose to sacrifice us, I chose to leave you, I chose to ask you to let me go because what other options did I have?!"
"YOU COULD HAVE TALKED TO ME!" Fitz yelled.
"Can you grow up and not screech at me in the middle of a hallway?" I muttered as I pulled out my room key. Fitz began to fume and balled his hands into fists. Slowly I slid I unlocked the door, trying to buy myself some time. I was about to be lectured like a six year old and was going to detest every damn minute of it. Fitz shoved me into the room and I spun around frenziedly.
"What the hell? First you shatter my phone recklessly and now you shoving me around? Are you finished with your testosterone pissing show?" I fumed.
"Don't lecture me on irrationality. You're the one who made a deal with the devil twice."
"You're the one who married her." I sneered as I stepped closer to him. We stood scrutinized each other while the sexual tension began to feel like a thick cloud of fog in the room. His chest was rising and falling rapidly as his heavy breathing increased. Lust began to pool in his eyes and my fingers clenched into fists. I was not going to kiss him again. We needed to talk things through and not just have sex like we always did. Bedding him tonight wouldn't solve our monumental problems.
"I'm not sleeping with you, so stop fucking me with your eyes." I ranted.
Fitz let out a laughing roar while he went to my mini bar and grabbed a glass. After finishing his drink he let out a long desperate sigh, as if trying to desperately grasp a solution to our problem. There wasn't a book on how to have a relationship with a married president who had a business arrangement for a marriage. There wasn't a passage in the bible telling you how to not love someone who made your soul burn with life. There wasn't a Dear Judy section in the newspaper explaining how to decipher their chaotic relationship to make it somewhat functional.
"Fitz… I… I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to wait every night for a phone call that may or may not come. I don't know how to sleep alone at night knowing your sharing a bed with her and don't interrupt me. I know you aren't sleeping with her but she is able to be there when I'm not. You are able to hold her hand in front of the entire nation and have children with her. I'M NOT!" I began to sob desperately trying to speak everything I planned on the plane and I just rambled, like a blabbering idiot. "I can't give you everything she can. I refuse to be the other woman. I know that's not what you think I am, but it is. I AM YOUR MISTRESS. I'm not the mother of your children, or your wife. I don't want to give you up for the nation, I want to be selfish and make you mine and let you divorce her and marry me but I can't. Its not fair to Karen and Jerry, its not fair to the people of the United States who voted for you to be the leader of the free world. I want you every minute of every day, but I can't have you… and that is why I asked you to let me go. Because it would be easier for us to walk away than to face the obscene amount of obstacles that are bound to come our way if we keep making the late night phone calls or you if you keep coming over at two o'clock in the morning for a booty call. I don't know how to fix this, but I desperately want to."
I walked shakily over and grabbed Fitz's drink out of his hand, downing it in a singular motion. He grabbed my hand after I set the glass down and looked at me, his gray eyes filled with pain, confusion, and love. He didn't know how to fix it either…and like fools we fell back into old patterns. Instead of talking and fixing the problem, we kissed our troubles away. Instead of searching for a solution, we moved as one thrusting our troubles into a reality where we didn't exist.